By Lori Acken
Looks like Brandi Glanville knows how to make an exit and an entrance.
The lady most famous for not going quietly into that bad divorce after LeAnn Rimes stole her husband away in a Lifetime movie-set romance makes quite the debut Monday night as a minor player on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Gliding — yes gliding, and I have no idea how — into a charity event thrown by Kyle, Glanville is assisted by Adrienne Maloof’s husband Paul … and the longest pair of crutches I have ever see in my life.
Once I get over how tall and Taylor-esque she is and how dazzlingly well she maneuvers on those ginormous crutches, I can’t help but notice what is on her un-wounded tootsie — an ankle-tied, 6-inch platform kind of wedgie dealie. Then she explains how she wound up gimped — she fell off some really high shoes.
Beauty is pain … fully bad footwear choices? If you fall off the Choo, get right back on?
In any case, she’s got more than falling down anew to threaten her good time at this party — Brandi’s also in the laser-sights of Lisa, who recognizes her as the latest naive dame to succumb to the charms of Lisa’s and Ken’s former pet thirtysomething-year-old man, Cedric Martinez.
Now I read a lot of tabloid mags and troll a lot of gossip sites as part of my job (honest, it is), but this was the first I had heard of THAT, even though we do see an incriminating picture of two single people together. So I did a bit of Googling and found out that they did indeed spend together time in various public places from about Feb.3 to at least somewhere in July and possibly beyond.
One time she refers to him as her 2-day-a-week “manny,” which makes me spit-take my last gulp of Naked® green machine® in a way that will not make my husband happy when he comes home and sees the computer desk in an iffy state of recovery.
Kyle mostly looks alarmed because — out of her own heels and probably even in —she could handily run in circles ’round this woman’s legs like Gilligan bolting through The Skipper’s in his Jack and the Beanstalk dream.
And now Lisa’s got two 6’5″, 93-pound blondes in teeny black dresses to worry about, since she — along with everyone else with eyes — is fretful that Taylor is not eating.
“I’m eating,” protests a cornered Taylor.
“You told me you’re not eating,” counters Lisa.
Maybe on that day she wasn’t eating, but on this day she is.
In any case, I’m with the 97 bazillion other TV critics who think that this season would be a lot less unnerving to watch with this poor woman who is clearly in several lifetimes of distress edited entirely out. Seeing Taylor try to stretch her gaunt face into her signature mile-wide smile and get down to dance mixes when we all know what is in store for her and her small daughter is painful.
Plus, as long as we have our Kimmy — in whom my first husband still sees the flaxen-haired lass he’s loved since Escape to Witch Mountain and to whom he would like me to pass along his digits should she and I ever cross paths — we still have a perfectly watchable dose of distress-ertainment.
So what do you think? Will Brandi see to it that Cedric makes it back on the RHoBC scene? Will her other foot survive? Leave a comment and let us know.
Watch all-new episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Monday nights at 9/8CT on Bravo.