Gotta start with a cheesy group number featuring our final 5. The choreographer has completely given up. The contestants just needed to sit in a certain order when they start with ‘Cracklin’ Rosie.’ Then they had to step-touch to ‘Song Sung Blue.’ They also wow us with ‘Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show.’ David Cook brings the creepy by sounding like a charlatan preacher man. Nice.
Constantine Maroulis and Gina Glockson are working on American Idol Extra, so they’re shilling. Constantine tries to do the stare into the camera. He can’t really do it. I think his extra doughiness is throwing off his Grecian vibe. Then we get the recap of last night’s episode.
Ryan brings up the Paula controversy and says none of the rumors are true and Paula’s a part of the family. Paula is all demure tonight. I think she’s too scared to say anything. Personally I don’t know why everyone was in such a froth. She got confused as to what was dress rehearsal and what was a live performance. So not a big deal.
Jason is called out first and after a bit of Ryan torture, he’s safe. David Archuleta is called out next. The whipped puppy comes out & immediately glazes over. Paula tells him to have more fun because she can’t tell him to jettison his father. David A is shocked that he’s safe.
We’re making way too much progress in this episode, so we’ve got to have ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ filler. There’s some freaky body movements. It’s Idol for the double jointed. Ryan Lessnell from Grand Forks, North Dakota, designed a winning Coca-Cola glass. Whoo.
We’ve stalled long enough, so David Cook is called out next. David’s worried that Paula’s praise was the kiss of death for him. No, silly, that’s Simon. David’s safe.
Brooke and Syesha are then called out as the bottom two. Syesha is smiling like she’s as medicated as she is made up. Brooke says last night she was in her happy grateful mode. It doesn’t matter right now. We’ve got more time to kill with live performances.
First up is Natasha Bedingfield. She’s more dragalicious than I thought. She’ll do well when they come out with the 2010 version of ‘Now That’s What I Call Great Gay Dance Music 57.’ Man, this girl does not look almost 10 years younger than me. After her performance, she has to run up & peck David Archuleta on the cheek. Ryan tries to set the two of them up for David’s prom. Awww… puke.
Apparently we have time for viewer phone calls. A kid asks Paula why she’s so nice. She likes to keep the dream alive, that’s why. Someone else wants to know if Paula & Randy are going to do more music together. They’re going to dance like there’s no tomorrow. Some woman claims to be Simon’s first kiss, and he actually does remember her. Ok, now this is actually interesting. Simon asks if she’s still cute. She thinks he’s aged well. Ryan promises to pass her number along.
The Ford Commercial this week is ‘Catch The Wind.’ It involves Idols being able to clean up urban blight with a snap of their fingers. If only it were that easy.
Neil Diamond is singing ‘Pretty Amazing Grace.’ His backup singers and horn section have choreography about as complicated as the American Idol contestants. It’s a way mellow song. Maybe it’s supposed to be intense. It just sounds like white noise to me. He does an ‘Ow!’ and starts rocking on his acoustic guitar. He keeps singing ‘pretty amazing’ but I’m not amazed. If you’re going to sing a phrase like that over & over then get on with it and amaze me already. Sorry Neil. That was like a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon. Way lame in comparison to the previous decades, no matter what the corporate higher-ups tell you when you’re working retail.
Linda Richman, or her older twin, is apparently Neil Diamond’s mom and she’s in the house. His new album is ‘great’ and ‘personal’ instead of ‘average’ and ‘completely detached from my life and emotions.’ He also tells the kids that if they love what they’re doing, don’t listen to Simon. Whatever. I’d listen to Simon. Simon knows how to churn out money.
So bottom two, Syesha and Brooke, are called back to the stage. Both girls look like they’re going to hyperventilate. Vote For The Worst is going to have to find a new favorite, because Brooke is going home. She unapologetically sobs when she learns the news. We get reminded of the time she tries to brush the Star Wars girl’s hair and one of her buns fall off. So now she’s got to sing and she’s barely able to get through it. Couldn’t they have had both these girls sing earlier before they knew who was going home? Brooke can’t face the camera as the show ends. Bye Brooke.
We’re down to the final four. What theme will next week bring? Only time will tell on American Idol.
