Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!
[Update: Discovery airs the “Browntown or Bust” Alaskan Bush People season preview special on Friday, April 29, at 9pm ET/PT. Here’s the description from Discovery: “As the Browns ready to return home from the Lower 48, we look back on what they miss the most about Alaska. And in never before seen footage we get a glimpse of what it takes to make the series, along with exclusive sneak peeks of the exciting new season.”]
DADGUMIT! Our favorite horrible fake reality TV show, Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, will be returning for Season 4 on Friday, May 6. Despite being convicted for lying about their Alaska residency to illegally claim the state’s Permanent Fund Dividend, Discovery is keeping their carnival in town for another season. So much for keeping it real, Discovery.
Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.
People reports:
After traveling to “the lower 48” to seek medical treatment for Bill at the end of season 3, the Brown Family starts season 4 continuing to rebuild their family property – which they call Browntown – in rural Alaska, according to a statement released by Discovery Channel.
“However, a dark cloud is casting a shadow over what should be a happy homecoming to the freedom of the bush,” reads the statement.
PEOPLE can confirm that part of that “black cloud” is the legal woes facing Billy and Bam (whose legal name is Joshua).
We know that the Browns were spotted everywhere from Seattle to San Diego doing fish-out-of-water high jinks over the past several months. Is any of that going to be in Season 4 or will it end up in another “Lost Footage” episode? Are we going to be subjected to yet another brutal season of boat malfunctions, staged bear invasions, magically disappearing bad weather, AWESOMENESS and EXXXTREMENESS? Blah.
Here’s what we really want to see in Alaskan Bush People Season 4:
1. The Fate of Kenny From the Junkyard Is Revealed Last season, Matt visited Kenny’s junkyard in Hoonah in search of something to put in the root cellar he was digging for Ami. Matt found a scrapped metal computer server cabinet and Kenny helped install it. Kenny was not seen or heard from since. Did Kenny install his own deathtrap? Say it with me: “THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!”
2. The Skiff Gets Weaponized This whole family would be dead if not for The Skiff, the true hero of ABP. Last season, the Browns added some armor plating to reinforce The Skiff’s bow. Now it’s time to really upgrade The Skiff’s firepower. This is where that stupid trebuchet they picked up last season can finally be put to use.
3. Noah’s Creepy Science Experiments Find A Cure For Billy’s Seizures Noah, self-proclaimed Da Vinci of the Bush, had his ghoul factor upped in Season 3. But all of Noah’s deer hearts in jars and dead bats splayed out for dissection could result in a breakthrough treatment for Billy Brown Syndrome.
4. Coach Calipari Visits Brownton Abbey When he’s not busy complaining about tournament seedings and then losing badly in the second round, Kentucky men’s basketball coach John Calipari enjoys watching Alaskan Bush People with his wife. Why not bring Coach Cal up to Brownton Abbey for a little meet-and-greet with the Browns? They can sit around the fire, eat venison and spin yarns about their disdain for rules.
5. Birdy Talks To The Animals One of the brightest gems from Season 3 was a little interstitial scene of Snowbird trying to call her missing cat by mimicking the sounds of a “panicked mother cat” and various mating calls. “MOW! MOW! MOW!” This season, Birdy should try talking to other woodland creatures. She could politely ask the bears to stop wrecking their stuff. She could ask the fish if Bear is punching them humanely enough.
6. GRANDBABIES! The only way we’ll ever get Ami to shut up about grandbabies is for someone in the family to give her one. Perhaps Noah can invent some method of Bush Contraception that will spectacularly fail worse than Matt’s plastic-wrap hut or those sad boards they “nailed” on the window to keep the bears out. Ma Brown has been pestering the boys to procreate, but wouldn’t it be funny if Birdy ended up on the nest instead?
7. 80 Hours Of Community Service LIVE! Billy and Bam must each serve 40 hours of community service each for their shenanigans, but the judge said that the community service cannot be a part of their TV show. This is a great miscarriage of justice for me and many others who would love watching every second of that. Discovery might not be able to air it, but nothing prevents someone with the gumption and a GoPro to follow Billy and Bam around to film them as they clean up roadside garbage in Ketchikan. Alaskans, WE MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
Bush Ankle Monitor. #AlaskanBushPeople https://t.co/9LX3nxAfBr pic.twitter.com/Lj4dzl4DPf
— Ryan Berenz (@RyanBerenz) April 19, 2016