7 things we want to see (but won’t) in Alaskan Bush People Season 4

ABP Seizure Ryan Berenz

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

ABP Seizure

[Update: Discovery airs the “Browntown or Bust” Alaskan Bush People season preview special on Friday, April 29, at 9pm ET/PT. Here’s the description from Discovery: “As the Browns ready to return home from the Lower 48, we look back on what they miss the most about Alaska. And in never before seen footage we get a glimpse of what it takes to make the series, along with exclusive sneak peeks of the exciting new season.”]

DADGUMIT! Our favorite horrible fake reality TV show, Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, will be returning for Season 4 on Friday, May 6. Despite being convicted for lying about their Alaska residency to illegally claim the state’s Permanent Fund Dividend, Discovery is keeping their carnival in town for another season. So much for keeping it real, Discovery.

Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

People reports:

After traveling to “the lower 48” to seek medical treatment for Bill at the end of season 3, the Brown Family starts season 4 continuing to rebuild their family property – which they call Browntown – in rural Alaska, according to a statement released by Discovery Channel.

“However, a dark cloud is casting a shadow over what should be a happy homecoming to the freedom of the bush,” reads the statement.

PEOPLE can confirm that part of that “black cloud” is the legal woes facing Billy and Bam (whose legal name is Joshua).

We know that the Browns were spotted everywhere from Seattle to San Diego doing fish-out-of-water high jinks over the past several months. Is any of that going to be in Season 4 or will it end up in another “Lost Footage” episode? Are we going to be subjected to yet another brutal season of boat malfunctions, staged bear invasions, magically disappearing bad weather, AWESOMENESS and EXXXTREMENESS? Blah.

Here’s what we really want to see in Alaskan Bush People Season 4:

1. The Fate of Kenny From the Junkyard Is Revealed Last season, Matt visited Kenny’s junkyard in Hoonah in search of something to put in the root cellar he was digging for Ami. Matt found a scrapped metal computer server cabinet and Kenny helped install it. Kenny was not seen or heard from since. Did Kenny install his own deathtrap? Say it with me: “THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!”

2. The Skiff Gets Weaponized This whole family would be dead if not for The Skiff, the true hero of ABP. Last season, the Browns added some armor plating to reinforce The Skiff’s bow. Now it’s time to really upgrade The Skiff’s firepower. This is where that stupid trebuchet they picked up last season can finally be put to use.

SkiffTrebuchet

3. Noah’s Creepy Science Experiments Find A Cure For Billy’s Seizures Noah, self-proclaimed Da Vinci of the Bush, had his ghoul factor upped in Season 3. But all of Noah’s deer hearts in jars and dead bats splayed out for dissection could result in a breakthrough treatment for Billy Brown Syndrome.

NoahWorkshop

4. Coach Calipari Visits Brownton Abbey When he’s not busy complaining about tournament seedings and then losing badly in the second round, Kentucky men’s basketball coach John Calipari enjoys watching Alaskan Bush People with his wife. Why not bring Coach Cal up to Brownton Abbey for a little meet-and-greet with the Browns? They can sit around the fire, eat venison and spin yarns about their disdain for rules.

Alaskan Bush People John Calipari

5. Birdy Talks To The Animals One of the brightest gems from Season 3 was a little interstitial scene of Snowbird trying to call her missing cat by mimicking the sounds of a “panicked mother cat” and various mating calls. “MOW! MOW! MOW!” This season, Birdy should try talking to other woodland creatures. She could politely ask the bears to stop wrecking their stuff. She could ask the fish if Bear is punching them humanely enough.

6. GRANDBABIES! The only way we’ll ever get Ami to shut up about grandbabies is for someone in the family to give her one. Perhaps Noah can invent some method of Bush Contraception that will spectacularly fail worse than Matt’s plastic-wrap hut or those sad boards they “nailed” on the window to keep the bears out. Ma Brown has been pestering the boys to procreate, but wouldn’t it be funny if Birdy ended up on the nest instead?

7. 80 Hours Of Community Service LIVE! Billy and Bam must each serve 40 hours of community service each for their shenanigans, but the judge said that the community service cannot be a part of their TV show. This is a great miscarriage of justice for me and many others who would love watching every second of that. Discovery might not be able to air it, but nothing prevents someone with the gumption and a GoPro to follow Billy and Bam around to film them as they clean up roadside garbage in Ketchikan. Alaskans, WE MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

21 Comments

  1. I am in Canada and we seem to be a bit behind on the episodes. To the best of my knowledge the premiere has not aired here yet. I am very concerned about the well being of the skiff, it has brought them through so many difficult situations. The reason for my concern is I think I read something about them using the canoe in place of the skiff and using shovels for paddles.
    Long Live the Skiff.

  2. Alaskans filming or videoing them doing their community service would be great.I suppose this would be a problem thou. I wonder if Noah is helping with inventive devices helping in the picking up of garbage and road kill.

  3. I believe ankle monitors must be cheaper than hosting the Browns in the slammer. I just saw some previews of the season premier….looking forward to their lame antics!

  4. Reruns start this afternoon, then a preview this evening at 8 eastern, or 7 pm here in Oklahoma. It will be interesting to see the spin put on the trip south.

  5. So is them moving from Fridays to Wednesdays then back to Fridays a promotion or a demotion? Fridays seem like throwaway nights on TV so it seems like a demotion to me.

    • Yeah, tough to say why they moved it back to Friday. My conspiracy theory is that Discovery
      moved it back to Friday to intentionally ruin my weekends. 😉

  6. The thought of ANYBODY from this group of white trash breeding is enough to make somebody with half a brain vomit.

    Oyyy!

  7. Shenanigans? The entire family committed numerous FELONIES of intentionally defrauding the government and stealing tens of thousands in gov program monies they knew they did NOT qualify to receive because they in fact lived in CO and TX and NOT in AK!

    After the judge refused to give them all probation, all of a sudden Billy has a mysterious seizure illness where he has seizures no one ever documents in spite of cameras being in his face 24/7… So he’s too old and frail (ie famous) to go to jail in Alaska. Then what about his 30 something year old perfectly healthy son?

  8. Yes, the additional 40 hours of community service should be filmed (for entertainment value). They really do owe this to the true Alaskans. Remember when that article announced Bam had 3 kids, Ami almost got her grandbabies, but it turned out to be a misunderstanding. lol. I think I keep up on Brown news way too much, but at least we’ll all be able to talk about the show again 😉

  9. Alaska Dispatch News reports that Billy ‘n Bam are on ankle monitors rather than in jail. Use of ankle monitors for misdemeanor sentences are not uncommon in my state—but, not being an Alaskan, I’m not sure how this sits with Alaskans or how usual/unusual this is in Alaska.

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About Ryan Berenz 2012 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.