Channel Guide Magazine

Why Discovery should cancel Alaskan Bush People, but won’t

Ryan Berenz
Alaskan Bush People Billy Forest

Alaskan Bush People Billy Forest

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

 

I’ve been out of it for a little while. Did I miss anything?

On Monday, Juneau Superior Court Judge Philip “The Hammer” Pallenberg laid down a sentence of 30 days in jail to Billy Brown and son Joshua “Bam Bam,” plus 40 hours of community service each and fines and repayments totaling more than $21,000 combined. The taxpayers of Alaska will get their money back (sort of) and the Browns can never file for the Permanent Fund Dividend again. 

Billy’s lawyer, James “Smooth Jimmy” McGowan (I picture him as Saul Goodman in my imagination), changed his strategy from the “Browns’ Brand Has Suffered!” to “This Man Is Not Well!” McGowan also argued some stuff in court that contradicts stuff on ABP. From Tegan Hanlon of the Alaska Dispatch News:

McGowan argued against jail time in the case, highlighting Billy Brown’s complicated health problems with his heart and liver. He said Brown had a seizure three or four years ago that put him in a coma. Now he has about three seizures a week.

“They’ve actually changed what the show is all about because he can’t stay in the Bush anymore because he needs to be near medical attention,” McGowan said. “So the Brown adventure is moving to an urban setting because he needs to be around doctors. So it’s the real deal, judge.” 

That’s a lot of lawyerin’. Let’s sift through that:

Here’s Billy’s statement, as reported by the Juneau Empire:

“Your honor, I just want to say that … I do truly apologize for all of this, and not only for myself, but for, you know, the time and trouble I’ve taken from you and all the people involved in this,” Billy Brown said. “I truly learned a lot about this, and I think truly that you will never see me in any judicial system whatsoever as long as I live.”

And here’s Bam’s:

“I regret the circumstances … and I have learned a lot from the experience, and thank you for all the trouble, and that’s it.”

On the subject of Bam, a big social media firestorm erupted when it was reported that Bam filed PFD claims for his three minor children. Woah. Bam has three kids?  I read one person’s pitch that Rainy was actually Bam’s daughter. Fortunately, that toothpaste was put back into the tube, and the Juneau Empire regretted its Bush Fact Checking:

Correction: An earlier version of this article erroneously stated that Joshua Brown signed a written statement admitting that he applied for PFD checks for his three minor children during those years using false residency information. It was Billy Brown who did so. We regret the error.

We know that ABP won’t be canceled anytime soon, barring a Discovery Channel executive having an ethical epiphany, because the Browns have been spotted up and down the West Coast filming in places like Oregon, San Diego and San Juan Capistrano. (If Ketchikan was going to kill the Browns, then I can’t wait to see what San Diego does to them. Bear overheats at 60 degrees, so he’ll probably spontaneously combust.)

Stoopid Housewives has the lowdown on the Browns’ Lower 48 follies, including tips from a Hoonah resident:

However, our insider says that ScammerBilly does not want to return to Hoonah because the majority of locals are “mean” to the Browns! … Another reason ScammerBilly does not want to return is that the ABP story line has him and the rest of the Browns actually LIVING in the BrownTown cabin!

With all of this evidence stacked up, a reasonable person would think that Alaskan Bush People should be canceled immediately and Bear should kindle a fire with every shred of its existence. But Discovery Channel is a business, and no one accused businesses of being reasonable. And Discovery Channel is in the entertainment business, so it gives less of a crap about being reasonable than other businesses. As long as idiots like us keep loving/hating and watching this thing, Discovery’s going to keep airing it.

And thank the Good Lord, because my reason for living, breathing and working would be gone without Alaskan Bush People. I hope it goes on forever and becomes even more of an AWESOME and EXXXTREME Epic Shitshow every year. Just imagine the possibilities:

And finally, I love these people:

 

Oh. 😢

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