It’s our last week in L.A., Dance Moms nation (short jaunt, this one) — maybe for a few weeks like last time. Maybe for good. Who knows?
We start at Kendall’s military-themed video shoot, which appears to be a cleverly orchestrated opportunity for Abby to wander around amongst a bunch of dudes in uniform, getting handsy.
While Kendall and her back-up dancers gets prettied up, Abby rants to Jill about how Holly didn’t even have the common decency to tell her that, well basically, what amounts to that she found more professional folks to do Nia’s video … because Abby would have never done one for Nia anyway. And that’s a fact.
While Kendall gyrates around with a bunch of dancers who are older than she and then gets hefted on the back of a soldier doing push-ups …
… Abby tries her hand at being a drill sergeant.
She finds it to her liking. Excuse me while I go put myself on a registry for a double eardrum transplant.
Jill hopes Holly doesn’t go getting all competitive about the videos because they have a dance competition to worry about and that’s all the competing Jill can handle right now.
Back at 3rd Street Dance, Abby is all hopped up on soldier hormones and the thrill of getting to abuse a stranger. She says pyramid is going to be a little different — namely a rectangle.
Jo Jo and Kenzie at the bottom. Group-dance slackers, both.
Nia and Kalani are next. Great work in the group.
Top is Kendall and Maddie. Abby says they’re equals now.
As if.
This week’s Maddie-props concern dancing at the Grammys. I’m a little confused because we did the Grammy thing all the way back in episode 10 when Abby said she was going with and Maddie said she wasn’t, but the day this show makes a lick of sense is the day I begin dancing lyrical solos for Abby Lee Miller.
This week, Kendall gets a jazz solo called This Is Major. Abby’s on one serious military kick. Or just wants to use that video costume all over again.
Jo Jo gets the other solo. It’s called Straighten Up. Guess what you’ll be wearing, Jo Jo!
Mmmmm…
Here’s a hint. The dance is called Straighten Up. Ah! Got it!
No.
Yes.
How did I know you’d embrace it? Stop hopping. Stop hopping. For God’s sake, STOP HOPPING!
The group routine will be called Platinum because, you know, Kendall’s song, Wear ’Em Out, will probably go platinum. Since her girl has a song, too, Holly takes note of the slight.
Abby tells a perfectly chipper Mack that she won’t be dancing this week, because she doesn’t feel well. I’m guessing it has something to do with age requirements, but whatever.
This week’s competition is called Dance Kids USA and it will be judged by children. Everything you’re thinking right now, me too.
We dismiss the moms to the Mom Closet and then do human wheelbarrows and talk about what being a platinum-seller means. A million records sold. So … that.
In the Mom Closet, Jill says she’s Abby’s new BFF. Er mer gerd, you guys!
Melissa says something about her getting to squeeze Abby’s pimples, and ew. And also, ew.
Jill says yesterday’s video shoot was so much fun and she hopes Nia has so much fun at her shoot, too. Holly says she can’t wait to see what the stylist brings for Nia to wear. Why, yes, that will be exci …. er, what? You have a stylist? Oh. How. Nice. What about hair? Katy Perry’s hair guy.
Yeah. Fun. Stop name-dropping right now, bitch.
Oh, Nia. No.
While Nia and Abby debate the difference between right and wrong and selling out and making opportunities for yourself because someone who purports to be your manager openly loathes you, Holly tells the other mothers that Abby’s trying to get in her kid’s head the night before one of the biggest days of her life.
Nia, who is a veteran of Abby’s special brand of B.S., tells Holly the exchange was no big deal. They have a difference of opinion. What else is new. Holly says she needs to take some pointers from her kid.
Oh. Kendall’s a band major, not an army major. Abby still drill-sergeants her, though, just so all of our major bases are covered. You dance like this, soldier!
Ride a pony, ride a pony, ride a pony …
The day has come to shoot Nia’s video. Holly has a stroke over seeing Nia’s name in lights, then laughs at herself and says this is why you don’t bring your mom to set.
GUH-urrrrrrrllll! Look at YOU!
Aubrey O’Day Recording Artist shows up with some creepy black lipstick and the biggest bouquet for the girl with the biggest heart. Holly looks dewy-eyed and says Aubrey never gave up on her girl.
Then Holly and AubreyORA chat about Abby and Aubrey reveals that she can’t stand the woman either, because after getting further into her involvement with her, she thinks negativity is how Abby feeds her soul. Truer words never spoken.
Let’s tattle.
Jill holds up her phone so Abby can see the images from the shoot that Holly has posted and Abby fumbles and bumbles on about how hard she has worked to craft an image for this little child and now look at her — all crimping-ironed up and so far from emotional home.
Whereas Kendall has always been a belly-shirted soldier lounging on the back of an adult man doing push ups.
Well maybe Abby could bring a stop to all this.
Nice try, Melissa.
Mikey Minion reminds Nia that you only get one chance to release yourself as a music artist, so get out there and kill it, Miss Thing. Mikey Minion, your attitude, sir, is infectious. Who else besides me is grinning like a fool at Nia’s success?
Holly gets choked up about something so, so good happening to her child.
Aaaaand, I’m going to be seeing this in my sleep for approximately forever. Seems perfect for a competition with child judges.
Abby hollers about this and that and, in the Mom Closet, Melissa says she’s probably preoccupied with what’s happening on social media about the Nia video and may require a straitjacket of her own. OK, I added that last part myself, but I stand by it.
Let’s make it worse and check Holly’s online activity. There’s a doozie on there. Something about Aubrey O’Day Recording Artist on set at Nia’s video killing any video that appears on Dance Moms the real Abby Lee #TeamNia. Does that even make a sentence? I don’t get it one bit.
Makes Kira do this, though, so it must be all kinds of turrible.
Jill says it wasn’t a contest until Holly just made it one. I’d possibly amend that to, “It wasn’t a contest until Nia’s video turned out flashier.” But perhaps I’m nitpicking. It happens.
Let’s have a gander at the new ALDC studio. Girls first. Abby lets Nia in, so it’s a start. It also gives the moms time to take Holly to task to about yesterday’s social media shenanigans, which makes far more sense now that I know that it was Aubrey saying Nia’s video was doing the killing of all other ALDC vids — take that Mackenzie and Kendall — and that “the real Abby Lee” is probably #TheRealAbbyLee. In either case, the mothers say it wasn’t fair because it wasn’t fair and why would Holly surround herself with people who say mean things and pots and kettles and oh my God!!!!
Holly says there was none of this prattle when we were talking about Kendall’s video and Jill says yes, but you put it out there just to make her kid cry. Say, like she wasn’t invited to a get-together with Todrick that was splashed all over social media. Abby. Auby. Same difference. OK, says Jill, as long as Holly admits she’s horrible. Holly will not. And here’s Abby.
Abby says the silver lame underpants and heels of Nia’s video outfit were a bit much for her tender sensibilities. Maddie’s nude bodysuit, retorts Holly. No comparing Nia’s vid to Chandelier, says Abby with an eye roll. It goes even worse downhill from there.
Holly says the mothers are not her friends. They’re Abby’s friends. With friends like that, honey. With friends like that…
Off we go to Flintridge, CA. where the mood is a bit subdued and the get-ready is filled with musical instruments. Abby is MIA.
Holly gets a call from Aubrey, just checking in on her pals. Holly tells Aubrey about yesterday’s woes and AORC gives her some sound advice.
Let us dance. Or whatever Jo Jo is expected to do dressed like so.
Dance Moms Fashion Moment!
My boobs shall sail away on the wings of giant and colorful butterflies!
Jo Jo dances first.
It’s OK, kid judge. You should have seen the Carrie dance. But good on Jo Jo. Somehow she managed to make that thing watchable and her turns were impressive. Which she just pointed out herself. But still.
Major Domo Vertes is next. Jill says if she blows it, it’s because of all the Holly drama.
Said it before. I’ll say it again. This kid, with her miles-long legs and natural maturity on stage, is my favorite to watch.
Abby says Kendall fell apart in the middle. She completely falls about backstage.
This happens.
Kendall stalks away to collect herself.
Kenz, still looking perfectly chipper, wishes she were in the group dance, specially since the girls have CDs on their heads.
Kalani’s ballet technique kills me dead right out of the gate, but the whole dance is a wonder. Seriously. Chills. Anybody else besides me stymied as to why we saved this for a competition judged by kids? Were there grown-up judges, too? Someone?
Google, Google, Google. Best Google Doodle ever. The Loch Ness Monster is really Martians in a submarine. And yes, the kids are advised by a “supervising adult.”
Awards time.
Kendall gets fifth.
Jo Jo gets blanked. She battles back her tears.
Group dance wins.
Backstage, Dr. Holly reminds a sniffling Jo Jo that kids can be harsher on other kids than grown-ups can. She danced well. She just didn’t score well.
Abby tells Jo Jo that she liked the routine and how Jo Jo danced it, and that is all that matters. Then she tells Kendall that they’re a lot alike — let their emotions show when they really shouldn’t. Pfffffffft. Just. Pffffffft.
But enough of you people … Abby’s off to the Grammy’s.
Next week, Cathy and Jeanette are back and big news for the Pitt Crew – the WHOLE Pitt Crew — from Abby.
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Was either video age appropriate? Close enough? Which mother wins the Most Ridiculous Award this week? How ABOUT that group dance? How about the straightjacket dance? Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesday nights at 9/8CT on Lifetime.