Uh oh, Dance Moms nation. The counter is back.
I suppose it was only a matter of time. And just for the record, I’d consider using Lifetime-sanctioned photos for these things if, you know, they actually offered some from each — or any — episode. Which they don’t. And what’s a story without pictures? So I make my own. So let’s all just ignore the counter. We do not see you, counter! Lalalala!
As promised, we’re back in Pittsburgh. Holly says she sees L.A. as a success, even if Abby did try to sabotage Nia at every turn — Aubrey O’Day Recording Artist, MattyB no good, general audition. Holly reiterates that the video thing has left the mothers divided: “Them What’s With Abby” and “Them What’s A’gin Her.”
In either case, Jill (that’s her head behind the 01 — you can tell it’s Jill because WOOLY MAMMOTH VEST!) is happy to be back in the nest, even if there’s tension among the birdies. She’s not happy that Jess is back in the nest, too. But otherwise … pretty happy. Being a Yes-Woman is working out fine.
Melissa, however, is nervously sucking her teeth, which she does a lot lately. Melissa! Stop! Unsightly mouth wrinkles! And far to0 many screen shots like this one.
Despite the nervous-face, Melissa says she was happy with L.A. and is getting a lot of “neat” feedback from all the appointments Maddie went on. Someone else got some good news too.
Live! From New York! It’s Mackie Z!
She’ll be singing live at something, but she doesn’t say at what. God, I hope it’s a MattyB concert.
In the studio, Abby gives a rundown of the last competition in L.A, which is the usual no-winners spiel. Also, look who jumped on the cold-shoulder-shirt bandwagon with Holly.
Abby reminds everyone of Maddie’s Austin and Ally gig and Jill just can’t stop herself She says, well, since everyone in L.A. respects and admires Abby just so much … right?? … I mean, riiiiight?? … perhaps next time all the children will reap the benefits of her popularity? Abby looks momentarily confused by the backhanded compliment. Then she recovers and says that what happened in L.A. is not her fault. Everyone just likes Maddie and Mackenzie the best.
Sure.
Just in case it slipped our minds, Abby moves along to the part where the World’s Longest Hunt For A Maddie Replacement trudges on, even though she thought Brynn might have been The One. Maybe another time. Courtesy of Kira, we find out that Brynn’s 8-year-old brother has the worst type of diabetes and dad isn’t a regular part of his life, so there could be no moving to Pittsburgh.
Pyramid time.
Hell has frozen over. Maddie is bottom of the bottom.
Really?! <pinch> Yes, I’m awake. Maddie’s bottom of the bottom.
Next is Jo Jo. Technical issues. Then Nia. Technical issues. Then Kalani. Unexceptional performances. Abby is sticking to the facts today.
Row two begins with Kendall, who is seriously going to be a Miss America when she gets older. That kid is a knockout. But she only did one number and it wasn’t perfect. Mack gets the two-spot along with some triumphant, end-of-a-Hallmark-movie music to herald the news of her achievements in getting there.
That’s everybody … so who’s picture is at the top? Oh. Of course. Turns out it was only a brief cold spell in hell. It’s Maddie at the top. An amused Kalani says she should just be the whole pyramid. From the mouths of babes …
This week, we are going to Manahawkin, New Jersey — half an hour up the road from Atlantic City — for a World Class Dance Experience. There’s good news and there’s bad news about that. Or good news and better news, depending on whose camp you occupy in Dance Moms nation.
World Class Dance considers 12-year-olds teens. So this is a teen team to them. And once you become a teen, Abby says, she finished with ya. Like finished finished? Promise?
Jill points out that only Nia and Kalani are teens right now, so she’s only finished with those guys, right? Well sort of. One will not be dancing with the group, so as to bring the age level back down to junior.
There will be three solos and one group routine. Wise old Kalani gets the first solo. And hey! It’s a message dance! Called Pretty Little Liars! Because Kira is one, says Abby. Kendall gets the next solo and tries to look happy about that. She brightens up a little when Abby adds that it will be a blues number. Jill says see? Toeing the line pays off, you guys.
I wouldn’t be so sure, Jill, because Nia just got the last solo. I’d say hell has frozen over again, but we all know what’s is coming for poor Nia. And sure enough. Her dance will be called “The Golden Rule” because …wait a second … I need to lie down for this explanation because I am pretty sure I am going to seize.
Abby says this: In life, there are rules. Even in Hollywood, there are rules. (I’m just going to quick stick a hunk of wood between my teeth, just in case.) There’s something called ethics. (Good idea about the wood). Something called loyalty. Something called the Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the waterspout? Oops. Nope. It’s actually something called Don’t Step On People On the Way Up. Because you might see them again when down comes the rain and washes you back out.
Well that should make for a fun dance!
The group will be called The Domino Effect. Stuff about bad apples and boom boom boom on down the line and what have you.
<choock>
Dramatic shot of Holly.
<chook>
Jill
<choock>
Jess
<choock>
Kira
<choock>
Jill
<choock>
A bewildered-looking Melissa.
And when they all fall down, we have an amazing human replica of the ALDC logo? No? Man, I’m getting everything wrong today. Also, do not Google “falling dominoes.” You will lose hours.
Abby doesn’t know what we’ll have.
Up in the Mom Loft, Dominoes the Elder get to talking about pyramid while Dominoes the Younger practice. Melissa enjoyed it. Everyone else thought it was a joke. Nonetheless, Jill says we must all respect the will of our teacher. Holly says our teacher is nothing but the finger toppling the first domino.
Lots more discussion of dominoes and falling and failing Abby and why we can’t see eye to eye.
Abby wonders what else Kira is hiding from her. Kira says, what evs, lady … it landed Kalani a sophisticated number … so win! Also, Abby, Kira will see you your cold-shoulder shirt and raise you some tri-cold triceps. Win and win!
Abby makes a show of banging around on her phone during Nia’s solo practice. Up in the Mom Loft, Holly says it’s ridiculous because she and Nia did nothing wrong. Jill says that means Holly thinks everyone else did something wrong. And she would very much like to belabor the point. Besides, she was proud of Holly for standing her ground, even if she thought she was, you know, wrong.
Then we have a testy little discussion of what “having my back” entails, after which Holly leaves.
The next day, she’s still MIA, so we talk about her until she shows up. Holly explains that she needed a moment of clarity about how she’ll just have to accept that her ethics and standards are higher than everyone else’s.
“Ya what now?” says Jill’s face in the direction of Jess.
It is a bit of a high-horse moment, even for Holly, and even if the message is essentially correct. Jill narrows her eyes. “What did you expect?” she says in a ‘you touch that glass of rosé and I’ll break your fingers” kind of voice. “When you walked away, what did you think would happen?”
Jess tries to break it down for her Mom Loft neighbor: Basically Holly think you guys are putting Abby’s opinion of your daughters before your friendship.
Absolutely, says Holly, which sends Jill into a remarkable, if unintentional, impression of Melissa’s Many Expressions of Denial. The Have-My-Back battle rages on and I’m deadly bored, so I’m going to get a beverage. If they’re still yammering when I get back, I’m going for ice cream next. It’s that kind of Dance Moms night.
Back to practice, where I decide that The Rolling Arches is going to be my next band name. Or maybe Armpit Shot. Or Armpit Shot and the Rolling Arches. Decisions. Speaking of decisions, it’s time for Abby to make the difficult one that she clearly made before we even started this thing, even though she’s explaining it to the mothers like it’s brand-new intel.
The group dance is a no-go for Kalani. Kira protests that Kalani says it’s her favorite dance. Good, says Abby. She’ll get to watch it. Holly tries to make it a teachable moment, but the student doesn’t care to learn.
Let’s go to Manahawkin, where we continue to ride Kira about not taking Abby to task for yanking Kalani from the group. Kira says she just handles Abby different than you lady-chumps. That’s all.
“Stick up for your kid!” Jill chides her. “Try something new!” Jess agrees. Let’s bring it back to the MattyB video, just so Jill can prove she has no idea what the hell she is talking about and say one more time that she yanked Kendall from the MattyB video because Abby said, and she didn’t want to stand up to her. But you do, Kira. You do.
Holly cites destiny.
Destiny-shmestiny says Jess. Mom trumps manager. Case closed.
I’m ignoring Abby’s Hollywood moment in the audience.
Kalani dances first and she is absolutely gorgeous.
Kendall is next. Her dance suits her beautifully, too. Jill says see? This is the spoils of sitting down and shutting up.
Nia goes next, and the dance is, at best, a head-scratcher.
C’mon, Ab! Smile! You choreographed this little gem that’s basically disjointed running around and kicking.
Exactly.
Four hundred cheers to Nia for injecting it with as much pizazz as she did.
Back in the get-ready, Jo Jo asks Nia if they could hear the song she recorded in L.A. It’s cute as a button and the girls put their hands in the air and boogie. Nia says it’s cool to share.
Jill tries one more time to get Kira to insist on Kalani being in the group dance. In her best first-grade-teacher voice, she asks Kalani wouldn’t she feel better if mama at least tried to do somethin’ about the booboo?
Kalani says she thinks the mothers would be a lot happier if they stopped focusing on fights with Abby. Again. Out of the mouths of babes.
The Dominoes are next.
The girls are dressed more like French maids than dominoes and we get plenty of shots of Kalani gazing onto the stage from the wings. It’s an OK dance with some interesting moments but I’m not exactly riveted. Opinions?
Results.
Kendall gets fifth. Jill says if Kendall feels good about it, Jill feels good about.
Kalani wins.
See how ya are, you other moms, says Kira in an aside.
The group — rechristened “The DonnaMo Effect” by our announcer — gets first, too.
Holly tries to cheer Nia up a resigned Nia. Your day is coming, she tells her girl. Continue to work on your craft. Use the disappointment to better yourself. The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your kooky solos that tomorrrooooowwwww …
Jill says Jersey likes them better than L.A. did. She means, like, them them. Not just the judges but the people in the crowd and stuff. It’s like they belong here.
Abby hugs Kalani, says a few words and breezes out, giving the moms plenty of time to freak out about Kalani accepting the group dance trophy with the rest of the girls, when Jo Jo and Nia were not afforded the same back when they were yanked. Kira offers the reason that should warm Jill’s heart: Kalani did it because Abby said so. Jill is not warmed.
Holly doesn’t bother to try to hide her smile.
Next week, we’re back in Jersey. Plus, Brynn’s back and Cathy’s back and she’s got Erin Babbs with her, too.
So what say you about this stone-cold drudge of an episode, Dance Moms nation? Would a little less talk and a little more action have helped enormously? Or at least a change of subject now and then? What about Nia’s solo? Dance as a weapon? By someone who wouldn’t recognize the Golden Rule if it bit her in the … ? Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesday nights at 9/8CT on Lifetime.