The Royals Season 2 Premiere
Recap

The Bitch is Back! Recap: The Royals Season 2 Premiere

Welcome back to The Royals! I’ve missed our favorite Brits and I’ve especially missed loathing Cyrus. I wonder if actor Jake Maskall, who plays Cy spent his summer dodging spittle from fans of King Simon. This is one of the best TV villains we’ve had in a long time, and I have high hopes that becoming king will only make the depths that Cyrus is willing to sink even greater. I was surprised that The Royals didn’t receive any Emmy nominations, not for supporting actor (Maskall), not for leading actress (Hurley) and triple shocked that the series didn’t receive a […]

The Royals Season Finale
Drama

I’m Totally Breathless and Still a Little Shocked. Recap: The Royals Season Finale

Now that they’re not royals, do they need to change the show’s title? Liam’s in the safe room. He wakes up from his night of drunkenness and Ophelia is by his side. We learn that the mysterious dark SUV that pulled up at the end of last week’s episode was Ophelia. Liam remembers something that his father once told him, “Life’s lived, not destined,” and asks Ophelia to run away with him. Ophelia: “I always wanted you, it was your world, I didn’t want.” Liam: So let’s make our own world — me and you— starting today.” Oooh! The royal […]

The Royals, Episode 9
Drama

Three Palace-Rocking Revelations- Recap: The Royals, Episode 9

It has been a long week. I’ve been utterly dying to find out the fate of Liam and Eleanor and if King Simon is actually their father. And The Royals, Episode 9 isn’t making us wait long as they get right into it. After a week of breathless waiting, we have the paternity results. And as Maury Povich would say, “King Simon … you are not the father.” When he hears the news, Liam drowns his cell phone, and his sorrow, in pints of beer. And Eleanor murders several royal pillows. Eleanor seems to find strength in the knowledge that […]

No Picture
Drama

Who’s The Bloody King Of England?!? Recap: The Royals Episode 8

So we waited patiently for a whole week while King Simon lay in hospital (Like the Brits say, Guv’na) and to tide us over, the real British Royal Family welcomes a new princess to the world. Awww. What if they name her Eleanor?! Would that be redic or redunk?   The ep opens with Prince Liam taking the royal oath, and I get a funny feeling in my tummy that doesn’t bode well for King Simon. I know his character had been relegated to a smaller part, but I love when he went Ape-sh!t on Helena and Cyrus last week. […]

No Picture
Drama

Palace Shocker! Recap: The Royals Episode 7 “Your Sovereignty of Reason”

In The Royals, Episode 7, the paps get pesty, Ophelia gets breasty, King Simon gets testy and we get visited by the best…y. Liam and Ophelia are wrapped up in post-coital bliss (beneath a headboard with majorly chipping paint. I hope for the sake of their future children that it’s not lead-based paint. Over in the queen’s apartment, Someone else is getting properly man-handled too; HRH is getting her golden bod (Literally!) rubbed by three strong pairs of handsome hands. Ophelia and Liam’s sexy-time doesn’t last long, Ophelia’s topless flaunt in Morocco was caught by the lens of a pesky […]

No Picture
Drama

Madness in Monaco: The Royals Episode 6

  When you’re a bored royal, what do you do other than have loads of sex, wear scrumptious clothes and do obscene quantities of drugs? Why you pack that crap up and do it in Monaco for the weekend! And this weekend, that’s what our favorite Brits are doing. And huzzah! my favorite lesser princess, Maribel and Penelope are back! Let the garish costuming commence! I think that pretty much everything Penelope says is, “That doesn’t feel entirely unpleasant.” She said it during her anal bleaching and she said it when she stuffed 8balls up her bum. Liam has invited […]

No Picture
Reality TV

Recap: The Royals, Episode 5

I spent the weekend in glorious San Francisco, so I’m just catching up on the TV I missed… If you had a friend whose closet size rivaled the fashion closet at Runway magazine in The Devil Wears Prada, would you hate her? Only if she wasn’t my size! Ophelia has so many gasp-inducing clothing options that it must be so fun for the show’s wardrobe department to dress her. She gets to be avant garde, sexy, trashy, dirty and classy at any given moment, and often, she get to be more than one choice at a time! The royal ball […]

No Picture
Drama

Recap: The Royals, Episode 4

Now that we’ve gotten to know the royal family a bit, what do we think of them and are we ready for The Royals, Episode 4? I do admit to feeling a bit dirty after watching each episode, but it’s the kind of filth that washes off with a bit of a scrub. But I love that whenever I hear their fabulous accents, my writing seem a bit smarter. Or a bit more posh. I mean I’m writing this in my bed propped up by pillows, and lounging is exactly where this episode opens on our favorite pampered — and […]

No Picture
Drama

Recap: The Royals Episode 3

  If we’ve learned anything about Cyrus, it’s that he loves cocaine. And Booze. And Sex. And — apparently in The Royals episode 3 — swords. Cyrus envisions himself wielding a sword at the back of King Simon’s head in a drug-fueled daydream that is straight out of Hamlet. Why didn’t creator Mark Schwahn just name Cyrus, “Claudius”? Would that have been too literal? Also, the Against Me! song, “How Low” is musical perfection for this opener. Will The Royals be releasing an album of music featured in the show? If so, sign me up for one! Over at Liam’s flat, […]

No Picture
Drama

Recap: The Royals, Episode 2

Recap: The Royals, Episode 2. To quasi-formally get over the grief of Robert’s death, the British Royal family decided to throw a Garden Party. I had no idea what this was either, but in my observation, everyone gets drunk while wearing hats. And then they hook up. How very proper. Totally Quotable: “FML” may become my favorite thing to say, usurping OMG. Twinsies? Doesn’t Cyrus look like Robbie Rotten from the kiddie show Lazytown? I even made a very poor-quality side-by-side of the twosome. It’s utterly uncanny! Cyrus looks more like Robbie Rotten than the guy who plays Robbie Rotten! OMG […]