American Idol

by WindUpDoll Supposedly we haven’t yet seen the best, or worst, auditions. American Idol has been saving them for last. And since we’ve all been good boys & girls, we get to see them now. First up is a duo of bad: Casper the Crazy Ghost and Goat-Bleating Boy. One’s a huge white guy in a very white, very large T-shirt. The other is an average ethnic-looking guy. They’re both weird, and probably delusional. Then we get one of the good singers, Amy. She’s ok to me, as far as the singing goes, but she looks cuter than her voice […]

No, we’re not done with auditions. It seems like we should be, doesn’t it? This episode, we’re in Atlanta, Ryan’s hometown, so of course Mom & Dad come to visit. I’m hoping I only hear Hotlanta once. Once. First up is Joshua, a guy who works with glass and gets a slightly demonic look in his eyes as he sings. The judges go so far as to have him turn his back to them. He makes it through to Hollywood, but he’s one of those contestants that’s what I like to call the ‘load lightener.’ You know them — they’re […]

by WindUpDoll Can they spare me the Miami Vice theme song intro for this episode? Am I mad at myself that I didn’t see that coming? The answer is yes — and this is — American Idol. Oh, and now it’s that crappy Miami Sound Machine song. I can’t STAND that song. The rhythm is NOT going to get me, Gloria Estefan. It’s just not. Simon calls Paula’s dress very slutty. As usual, he’s correct. Our first contestant is a champion burper. Yes, it’s a girl. And she’s following the Miami Vice/’80s theme for tonight with a teal off-the-shoulder number. […]

by WindUpDoll This episode focuses in on the corn. We’re in the Heartland of Omaha, Nebraska this week, so naturally everyone grows corn, eats corn & lives corn. As someone who lives in the Midwest, I can tell you that there’s more than corn & cows in The Heartland. There’s beer. First up is a guy who’s been waiting to audition for the last 7 seasons. He’s so happy that he feels like he’s going explode & happiness is going to go flying everywhere. He’s so awesomely excited & nasally in his speaking voice that you just know he’s going […]

by WindUpDoll We’re in Charleston, South Carolina for this episode of American Idol. I’ve never been to Charleston, but I’ve been up in Greenville and it was quite lovely, even the hot boiled peanuts. Or as they say, ha ball peaaanuts… They’re best when procured from a gentleman on the side of a mountain road with a big boiling pot in a little trailer. Sublime. We’ve got the stadium fill-in montage with partying contestants, and people claiming to have traveled thousands of miles to audition. For some reason, Idol likes to feature folks who are lacking in geographic skills. Why […]

by WindUpDoll My cat attempted to write this recap, but she couldn’t get past the first letter, so I’m taking over. By the way, I want to start off this week saying that I’m NOT reading any of the supposed spoilers and stories about folks with recording contracts past. That’s not the kind of stuff I care about. If The Smoking Gun gets their hands on a mugshot, I’m so there. But if y’all think there’s something interesting, comment here. I’m all ears.

by WindUpDoll We’re in Texas and it’s hot. One potential contestant goes into labor waiting to audition. Do I need to tell you that she names the baby Idol? You can see this stuff a mile away. First up, Jennifer, a former methhead who’s now a sober & happy mom. Unfortunately she likes singing “Jesus Take the Wheel.” In times like that, Jesus tells me to grab the steering wheel & remember the driver’s ed instructor he sent me when I was a teenager. Thankfully she’ll be singing The Pretenders for her audition. Good choice, and she does it well. […]

by WindUpDoll Last week, Simon Cowell told a group of TCA reporters that he’s sure talent has slipped through the American Idol cracks. However, none of those talents have made it big. Well, tonight begins the festival of thousands that will, inevitably, slip through the cracks. Talent or no. We’re starting off with the required shots of folks in the crowds — some talented, some delusional. This, is American Idol. And so begins the opening “theme” music that has such a Pavlovian effect on me. It makes me want to sit on my butt and eat Cheetos. I can’t eat […]