Let’s Just Get This Over With: How to Survive Super Bowl LIII

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Because it’s good to know what everybody on Twitter will be making fun of Sunday night:

What Is This? Super Bowl LIII, the NFL’s championship game for the 2018 season, is played Feb. 3 with kickoff at 6:30pm ET at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, which is not to be confused with the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans or any other sports venue named after a car we can’t afford.

What’s LIII In Regular Numbers? 53

Is It On TV? Yes. CBS gets the broadcast duties this time. Jim Nantz calls the game with former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, who is excited to finally get to a Super Bowl after keeping the Cowboys out of it for so many years.

How Many People Watch It? Lots! Super Bowl LII averaged 103.4 million viewers on NBC, down 7 percent from the previous year and the lowest number since 2009. That’s still good enough to make it the 10th most-watched American TV program of all time.

Who’s Singing The National Anthem? Gladys Knight, the Empress of Soul, will sing the national anthem without The Pips.

Anyone Want To Sing At Halftime? Getting someone to perform the Super Bowl halftime show is harder than finding someone to host the Oscars. The NFL finally settled on soccer-mom rock icons Maroon 5 as the headliners with guests Travis Scott and Big Boi. Rihanna, Cardi B and Pink reportedly declined to perform. It doesn’t help that the gig pays nothing and the NFL’s treatment of Colin Kaepernick is a sore spot. Maybe it’s time to see if Up With People is available.

Still With The Commercials? You’ll probably watch all the commercials on YouTube before or after the Super Bowl, yet advertisers will still pay CBS over $5 million for a 30-second TV spot. Expect to see ads from Anheuser-Busch InBev, M&M’s, Colgate, Pringles, Avocados From Mexico, WeatherTech, Hyundai, Kia, Toyota and … Mercedes-Benz.

How About Football? [Checks notes] Yes, they still do that. This year’s matchup has the almost universally despised New England Patriots representing the AFC for the third consecutive time up against the NFC champion Los Angeles Rams, who are almost universally embraced by L.A. fans who just started caring about football again. While this will be the NFL-record 11th Super Bowl appearance for the Patriots, we can all take some solace in the fact that the Patriots are tied with the Denver Broncos for the most Super Bowl losses with five. This is Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady’s ninth Super Bowl (he’s 5-3), and we’re running out of chances to enjoy watching him lose.

What’s On After? CBS debuts global talent competition series The World’s Best, with host James Corden and judges Drew Barrymore, RuPaul Charles and Faith Hill. Maybe they can find someone to do next year’s halftime show.

About Ryan Berenz 2006 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.