Long have I awaited this day and dreaded it.
We finally have the official announcement from Discovery Channel on the season premiere of Alaskan Bush People, so now everyone at Inquisitr can pack up and go home. The new season begins Wednesday, Jan. 4, at 9pm ET/PT.
— Ryan Berenz (@ChannelGuideRAB) October 6, 2016
The move from Friday to Wednesday is welcome news to me, because I won’t have to write my ABP recaps on Saturdays, which I’m certain is in violation of 27 different OSHA regulations. Worse, it really, really pisses off my wife. The move to Wednesday will be disappointing to the many viewers who kick off the weekend by hitting the hooch and hurling obscenities at the Browns. I will raise a glass in your honor, friends.
Here’s a promo reel for the new season:
Good Lord, that looks terrible as ever. And what’s with this new minimalist key art? It looks like a serial killer’s Rorschach test. It’s like they’re just begging us to Photoshop the bejesus out of it. Who am I to resist?
See that? I did that in like 10 minutes. Imagine what I could do with hours of time at the office on Thursdays. Fun will be had, my friends!
While I decide when the time is right to ruin my Christmas season by watching and recapping “A Browntown Christmas,” here’s Discovery Channel’s press release with my commentary interspersed, because I’ve stopped caring about career advancement.
THE BROWN FAMILY RETURNS FOR AN ALL-NEW SEASON OF ‘ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE’ PREMIERING JANUARY 4 AT 9PM
(New York) – Following a year of setbacks, Alaska’s Brown family is determined to get back to their bushpeople roots once and for all. Having endured the hardest year of their lives, the self-proclaimed ‘wolf pack’ will harness 34 years of wilderness experience to reclaim their dream of living free. The all-new season of ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE returns to Discovery on January 4 at 9PM ET.
Last year was the HARDEST YEAR OF THEIR LIVES, people! Unless you count that one entire year Billy spent in a coma, or that one winter when they’re all starving and freezing in a shack, or that one year fake gunfire chased them out of the home they just built, or that one year the government burned their house down and they LOST EVERYTHING, or that one year in which Billy rammed his boat into the dock and they LOST EVERYTHING again! Oh, I would love to have the kind of year the Browns had, getting off practically scot-free on felony fraud, living in the Icy Strait Lodge on Discovery’s dime, vacationing in Hawaii to get away from MeMaw, and hoodwinking enough rubes to keep your TV show on the air. Also, I like how Discovery doesn’t mention exactly what season this is, since apparently not even they know if it’s the fifth, sixth or 20th. And “bushpeople” is one word now? Malarkey! I will not adhere to these new Bush Stylebook guidelines!
This season, Billy Brown, wife Ami, and their seven grown children are focused on staying together at all costs. Matt Brown returns, rejoining the family and their new cow Sabrina.
“Matt Brown returns, rejoining the family and their new cow Sabrina.” That sentence is just so brilliant and I am sad that I did not come up with it. It’s like, “Hey, Matt! Welcome back from rehab! Here, we got you this cow! Drink milk instead of peach schnapps!” This cow thing is pure ridiculousness. Sabrina is like Bovine Cousin Oliver. But at least Birdy will have something new to talk to.
When the nest is full, it’s all-hands-on-deck to find sustainable food and resources. The Browns’ take their “bushcraft” to new levels, creating homemade dynamite and building their own sawmill.
Creating “homemade dynamite”? Someone’s definitely going to die this season. Combine the home-brewed TNT with Noah’s hydrogen, all their firearms, and the trebuchet, and that’s got all the makings of an epic David Koresh-sized standoff with ATFE agents. Seriously, someone call Homeland Security on these loons. Warn the people of Ketchikan that a siege is imminent! If You See Something, Say Something™!
This season, the family grapples with tough choices, as the Brown boys continue their search for love.
It’s always tough to choose which desperate aspiring actress you’d like to cast as a potential vessel for Ami’s grandbabies. There is an endless supply of waitresses who want to be on TV so badly that they’d even go into a chicken coop with Noah. Word on the street is that Bam got hitched to producer Allison Kagan. Noah is reportedly working his medieval courtship rituals on some poor lass named Rhain (not to be confused with Rain, who is Noah’s, um, sister.)
Matt has been spotted traveling for alleged hookups in Green Bay, Wis., because no one goes in or out of Green Bay without everyone knowing about it. Bear and Gabe are just putting their faith in their irresistible Bush charms, the Good Lord and Matchmaker Susie.
The family will also face challenges as they endure the elements of Alaska, including storms, more bears and grueling trips to protect their livelihood. It’s a tough existence for the Brown family – but they wouldn’t have it any other way.
Allow me to translate this into something closer to truth: The family will also face staged challenges as they pretend to endure the unexpectedly mild elements of Southeast Alaska, including Magically Appearing/Disappearing Weather, footage of bears from trail cameras, Boat Malfunctions, Manufactured Urgency, seizures and other imagined maladies, excessive howling, and contrived hauling jobs performed by an unlicensed, unqualified and inefficient crew employed by a business that does not actually exist. It’s a total sham for the Brown family – but they wouldn’t have it any other way.
Full episodes of Alaskan Bush People are now available on Discovery GO. Visit DiscoveryGo.com, or download the app for free at your app store.
Oh, looky! Discovery Channel finally has an app you can use without having to be one of the 10 customers of Assbackward Cable in Koosharem, Utah. DirecTV recently signed on for Discovery GO, eliminating the need for me to watch ABP on the DVR at home or trying to watch it live on the DirecTV app. What an age we live in!
ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE is produced for Discovery Channel by Park Slope Productions. Paul Reitano, Terrence Sacchi, and Ian Gelfand are executive producers for Park Slope. Joseph Schneier is executive producer and Greg wolf is associate producer for Discovery Channel.
These are the guys who lit the match on this dumpster fire. Joseph Schneier was promoted earlier this year. Greg wolf hasn’t yet earned the capital W in his last name.