Preview: The EXPLOSIVE New Alaskan Bush People Season!

Alaskan Bush People

Long have I awaited this day and dreaded it.

We finally have the official announcement from Discovery Channel on the season premiere of Alaskan Bush People, so now everyone at Inquisitr can pack up and go home. The new season begins Wednesday, Jan. 4, at 9pm ET/PT.

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

The move from Friday to Wednesday is welcome news to me, because I won’t have to write my ABP recaps on Saturdays, which I’m certain is in violation of 27 different OSHA regulations. Worse, it really, really pisses off my wife. The move to Wednesday will be disappointing to the many viewers who kick off the weekend by hitting the hooch and hurling obscenities at the Browns. I will raise a glass in your honor, friends.

Here’s a promo reel for the new season:

Good Lord, that looks terrible as ever. And what’s with this new minimalist key art? It looks like a serial killer’s Rorschach test. It’s like they’re just begging us to Photoshop the bejesus out of it. Who am I to resist?

See that? I did that in like 10 minutes. Imagine what I could do with hours of time at the office on Thursdays. Fun will be had, my friends!

While I decide when the time is right to ruin my Christmas season by watching and recapping “A Browntown Christmas,” here’s Discovery Channel’s press release with my commentary interspersed, because I’ve stopped caring about career advancement.

THE BROWN FAMILY RETURNS FOR AN ALL-NEW SEASON OF ‘ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE’ PREMIERING JANUARY 4 AT 9PM

(New York) – Following a year of setbacks, Alaska’s Brown family is determined to get back to their bushpeople roots once and for all. Having endured the hardest year of their lives, the self-proclaimed ‘wolf pack’ will harness 34 years of wilderness experience to reclaim their dream of living free. The all-new season of ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE returns to Discovery on January 4 at 9PM ET.

Last year was the HARDEST YEAR OF THEIR LIVES, people! Unless you count that one entire year Billy spent in a coma, or that one winter when they’re all starving and freezing in a shack, or that one year fake gunfire chased them out of the home they just built, or that one year the government burned their house down and they LOST EVERYTHING, or that one year in which Billy rammed his boat into the dock and they LOST EVERYTHING again! Oh, I would love to have the kind of year the Browns had, getting off practically scot-free on felony fraud, living in the Icy Strait Lodge on Discovery’s dime, vacationing in Hawaii to get away from MeMaw, and hoodwinking enough rubes to keep your TV show on the air. Also, I like how Discovery doesn’t mention exactly what season this is, since apparently not even they know if it’s the fifth, sixth or 20th. And “bushpeople” is one word now? Malarkey! I will not adhere to these new Bush Stylebook guidelines!

This season, Billy Brown, wife Ami, and their seven grown children are focused on staying together at all costs. Matt Brown returns, rejoining the family and their new cow Sabrina.

“Matt Brown returns, rejoining the family and their new cow Sabrina.” That sentence is just so brilliant and I am sad that I did not come up with it. It’s like, “Hey, Matt! Welcome back from rehab! Here, we got you this cow! Drink milk instead of peach schnapps!” This cow thing is pure ridiculousness. Sabrina is like Bovine Cousin Oliver. But at least Birdy will have something new to talk to.

When the nest is full, it’s all-hands-on-deck to find sustainable food and resources. The Browns’ take their “bushcraft” to new levels, creating homemade dynamite and building their own sawmill.

Creating “homemade dynamite”? Someone’s definitely going to die this season. Combine the home-brewed TNT with Noah’s hydrogen, all their firearms, and the trebuchet, and that’s got all the makings of an epic David Koresh-sized standoff with ATFE agents. Seriously, someone call Homeland Security on these loons. Warn the people of Ketchikan that a siege is imminent! If You See Something, Say Something™!

This season, the family grapples with tough choices, as the Brown boys continue their search for love.

It’s always tough to choose which desperate aspiring actress you’d like to cast as a potential vessel for Ami’s grandbabies. There is an endless supply of waitresses who want to be on TV so badly that they’d even go into a chicken coop with Noah. Word on the street is that Bam got hitched to producer Allison Kagan. Noah is reportedly working his medieval courtship rituals on some poor lass named Rhain (not to be confused with Rain, who is Noah’s, um, sister.)

Matt has been spotted traveling for alleged hookups in Green Bay, Wis., because no one goes in or out of Green Bay without everyone knowing about it. Bear and Gabe are just putting their faith in their irresistible Bush charms, the Good Lord and Matchmaker Susie.

The family will also face challenges as they endure the elements of Alaska, including storms, more bears and grueling trips to protect their livelihood. It’s a tough existence for the Brown family – but they wouldn’t have it any other way.

Allow me to translate this into something closer to truth: The family will also face staged challenges as they pretend to endure the unexpectedly mild elements of Southeast Alaska, including Magically Appearing/Disappearing Weather, footage of bears from trail cameras, Boat Malfunctions, Manufactured Urgency, seizures and other imagined maladies, excessive howling, and contrived hauling jobs performed by an unlicensed, unqualified and inefficient crew employed by a business that does not actually exist. It’s a total sham for the Brown family – but they wouldn’t have it any other way.

Full episodes of Alaskan Bush People are now available on Discovery GO. Visit DiscoveryGo.com, or download the app for free at your app store.

Oh, looky! Discovery Channel finally has an app you can use without having to be one of the 10 customers of Assbackward Cable in Koosharem, Utah. DirecTV recently signed on for Discovery GO, eliminating the need for me to watch ABP on the DVR at home or trying to watch it live on the DirecTV app. What an age we live in!

ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE is produced for Discovery Channel by Park Slope Productions. Paul Reitano, Terrence Sacchi, and Ian Gelfand are executive producers for Park Slope. Joseph Schneier is executive producer and Greg wolf is associate producer for Discovery Channel.

These are the guys who lit the match on this dumpster fire. Joseph Schneier was promoted earlier this year. Greg wolf hasn’t yet earned the capital W in his last name.

29 Comments

  1. I would like for the back ground music to be not so loud & drowns the person speaking out.
    It often keeps us from hearing most of each ones interviews or close-up conversations.

  2. Making fun of people! Is this what society has come too. I find the show very entertaining and not any more fake than the 5 million reality shows that are TV. Oh maybe I should watch the Real Housewives. Yes are some of the shows set up, for sure like anything else. Need to make something interesting for all of you to make fun of as you sit in a heated home and work on your computer. Where they are living is real and yes do they take vacations just like you do. But the majority of time they are actually living in the wilderness. Maybe you should try it sometime. Exactly as you say, If you dont like it then dont watch it and probably dont comment on it. This is a form of bullying I guess cause are you not making fun of the people!!!!!

    • You got to be first class gullible to think any of this show is REAL..lol. The Stae has proven they don’t LIVE there..the locals have proven they don’t own the land or the boat, did not build the cabin. Stay in a lodge at night during filming season and then leave for other cities when filming is over. Crew caters all the food to film site. They have shown pics of them smoking, drinking, using cameras. They have TVs and computers (which is what Bam used to file false claims that led to the State charging them). So…where is the REAL pert of this show??? LOL LOL LOL

    • “Where they are living is real.” No.
      “The majority of time they are actually living in the wilderness.” No.
      “Making fun of people! Is this what society has come too.” Yes.

  3. Ryan,
    Bam got hitched to something? Look, I know you are a good dad to your kids, but you must put down the Elmers glue when helping the kiddos with their school project before doing your hilarious review of the ABP.

    • Bob, I wish it were a joke, but it is not. There are multiple reports from credible Hoonah locals about a marriage. I won’t confirm it 100 percent, because nothing is Absolute with the ABP. More to come on this…

      • No true Ryan, every episode of ABP is absolutely 100% a completely fabricated trainwreck. That you can take to the bank.

        • You are correct, David. But so far the marriage thing has not been addressed on the show. Hoonah sources say that they were married in Hawaii over the summer. Sharp-eyed viewers spotted Bam wearing his wedding band on the Christmas special.

          • I did read all about the relationship and marriage speculation. It seem 100% that he was wearing his wedding band on screen and that nobody in edit caught it. That is an ABP special.
            I don’t always understand how ABP handles some of these situations. On one respect they all need to handle their personal lives with as much privacy as can be expected for being on a reality TV show. On the other hand this is a show that should be desperate for some real story lines. In the case of Matt it seems pretty well known that he has had substance abuse problems, especially alcohol. It is completely his call on what he would like to share with the public and what he says on the show. On the other hand it is a real life problem many people have and I for one think it could be presented in a way that shows a personal and emotional side. It could sure be a shot in the arm to a show that at least I think is borderline on life support as far as continuing on past this season.
            So as far as Bam and getting married, who cares? If what is widely known is shared I think it just brings more normalcy to the show. There is sure enough other single guys on this show to feed to the idoits that wants to marry one of them and move to Browntown. On the other hand it also makes it look like these might be normal people having normal lives rather than a village full of adult children who are all single and still live at home with no jobs or futures.
            The ratings aren’t that great anymore and the show is stale and repetitive. A good dose of some reality might be too late but it couldn’t hurt.
            I did run across this fact at some point last summer I thought was interesting. I read that Billy gets $500,000 per season and each kid get $40,000 per season. Seems like Billy makes out ok. As far as the kids, it seems OK but nothing I personally would put my life on hold for. Anyway it was something I was curious about as far as the pay goes.

          • A Hoonah source I trust says the ABP make $20K per person, per episode. But I don’t know the source’s source of the info.

            Hope you had an awesome Christmas and are enjoying all that darkness!

  4. Welcome back, Ryan! Let’s have a go at this new season.
    I did watch an episode about a week ago, when Rain and Nam, I think, were displaying more duck hunting unsportsmanship than I thought possible. They were ‘skybusting’ shooting at ducks well out of range. And while they woulod up with three small diving ducks, where did the rest of the food come from, for 13 people? Did the two of them, like the rest of the Brown clowns, not understand tidal movements? And why did they travel 10 miles on the body of water where Browntown is located, to shoot at ducks? Why not shoot at ducks in their own yard? And how is it that the Texas family, who Billy had not seen since 1972, find their way to Browntown? And was that bearded dude really so stupid he didn’t know how to light a bonfire? Where did the guests sleep? At the Icy Straits Motel, where the Brown clowns live?
    Keep up the good work, Ryan. I look forward to your continuing analyses of the Brownclown train wreck.

  5. For a family raised wild they have no hunting skills. In the Christmas special Bear and Birdy went duck hunting for Christmas dinner ducks. Then went about missing flock after flock of duck ending up with 1 poor tiny duck. For being raised wild in the bush they hunt in there street clothes . Oh the humanity !

  6. SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK! I HAVE MISSED YOU RYAN!
    Your snarkyness gushed out of you like a dam busting. No holds barred… love it!
    While the absence of the worst show to ever air on television was a nice break, and the stink they left in Alaska felt like it was starting to clear, not having your recaps around left me feeling a little empty. I noticed that all of the old posts have the comments section closed so there wasn’t even any new scraps there.
    I thought ABP had finally bit the dust. Discovery was pretty closed lipped about everything (not a good sign) and they weren’t even up on the Discovery home page any longer. You know the execs were wringing their hands over this one. It is a money maker but the ratings are way down and the stink they leave on the network can’t be fun.
    Your Inquisitr joke was great. If I ever remembered to look at any ABP news it was just them hashing the same things over and over with splashy headlines. I long ago quit clicking on them. Also if anybody ever wrote about ABP it was almost comical how old the stuff was and how behind they were. “ABP might be fake and the Browns are accused of fruad so the upcoming season might be in Jepordy”. Wow, thanks for late breaking news.
    I was a bit surprised by all the ABP fans chiming in. I thought the super fans died out a long time ago. I scrolled down to the bottom to start reading comments and all I saw was flaming dumpsters going by and though … uh oh. I am quite immune to those comments anymore. Can’t spell or use a complete sentence. In their spare time I am assuming they hold car keys in front of themselves and jingle them for entertainment. “If you don’t like it then just don’t watch it”… lol (it has been a while). Seriously, at this point if this show is believed by anybody that is just mind blowing.
    You are my eyes and ears for this crapfest as I will never again lay eyes on an episode. It is just way too boring with the same made up story lines over and over and over again.
    I loved the open of the trailer though where Billy informs us… “this year is all about a self sustaining homestead”. Your kidding right Billy? This is on its 5-7th season (who the heck knows anymore what season it is on because your seasons make zero sense just like the whole show makes zero sense) plus the completely made up 34 years you lived in the Alaskan bush and NOW it is about self sustaining? Kind of thought you would have that part down pat by now. WTF? Did you already forget the entire web of lies you have been telling since this show started? Good gosh, and anybody wanted to debate me this was the worst show to ever air on TV? First word Billy says on the opening trailer for the upcoming season and people have to run for their vomit bags. Well played Billy, well played.

    • I saw the ratings for the ABP Xmas special and it was in a 7 way tie for 14th on the night in cable ratings with a .05. They did stay above 2 million total viewers but barely with 2,015,000 total. Both of those are all time lows. So basically it seems as if there viewers are old people with IQ’s lower than 60 (sorry but I couldn’t resist). The ratings for ABP has been falling steadily and really took a dive near the end of their last season. This is following being convicted in court for theft and fraud. Then Discovery stays quiet about whether ABP is coming back or not and doesn’t promote the show. Not sure how they could have expected this could all go well. If the season premiere falls from here the ABP might not even make it till the end of the season.

  7. Hmmm…a Brown Christmas? How do they know it’s Christmas? I thought holidays, birthdays and such were just a good ole fashioned bush guess?

  8. Nice family show…love learning new ways to Afro-rig…pardon me…bush rig things since I genuinely need to know how being actually broke, unlike the browns which are worth 700/800K collectively. Kinda sucks that they wear brand new clothes and live in modern hotels and houses between seasons and filming…that’s a real let down for me…I thought i had real “white trash” connection with the browns.

  9. Holy crap! (LITERALLY! ) I missed the Christmas show. It is a Christmas miracle the Browns are back! These commentors sure are forgiving considering the Brown’s history. Well, it is the season. Looking forward to some sweet recaps! Happy Holidays to all!

  10. Hey Ryan, good to hear from you again. Who are THESE people? Where is the old gang? They are MIA except for Henry K. Will you recap the Christmas show? It’s certainly a contender for the dumbest episode award. I think Bear might have found himself a soul mate to learn the howling game, etc. Looking forward to the new “season”. Do you think ol Billy knows that Sabrina is made of tasty beef? Oh, the possibilities.

  11. Rude people who dont like them then dont watch them. Thay are decent on the show an kids can watch them an learn things reguardles how you feal about the show let us the decent people enjoy them

    • Well said. Thank you. So glad I not the only one who feels this way. My family lives watching this family.

      • These are decent people, it’s a good clean family show. To all of the rude people who have to make so many negative comments. Change the channel if there’s not enough cussing and violence and trash for you. Let us enjoy it.

        • I would enjoy it more..and it would, once again, be my favorite show…if we all get together and have a pow-wow with discovery crew and the browns…forcing them to live up to the shows hype and Billy’s hype….by living all year round in the bush..washing their old clothes in brown town…no actresses pretending to b interested in the boys for a paycheck, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

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About Ryan Berenz 2038 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.