Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People Recap: Made in the Wild

Ryan Berenz

In the special Alaskan Bush People episode “Made in the Wild” (July 29), the crew spends countless hours bringing bush life to the Lower 48 states. The luck of the Browns influences what airs on the show.

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

So the season finale of Alaskan Bush People was two weeks ago, but Discovery Channel dumped two new Lost Footage episodes on us, because apparently EVERYTHING about this show has to be deceptive. I don’t know what I did to enrage the Good Lord, but He’d better put an end to this season before I lose my few remaining marbles.

So how did ABP swindle us out of our precious time this week? With one of those “making of” episodes that shows the camera crew in action, so long as that action reinforces the show’s pretense. These episodes are incredibly pointless, because they’re full of stuff we’ve seen dozens of times already or stuff that is so dull it was deemed unfit to air in a series that is generally unfit to air to begin with. We’re not only scraping the bottom of the barrel here, we’re scraping the dirt underneath the barrel.

The episode opens up with Bear using tree sap as a fire starter. Using Drew Barrymore as a fire starter is also an option, but her availability is limited in the Alaskan Bush. A little Googling tells us that the heartwood of conifers contains terpene, a volatile substance that is used to make turpentine and also pine tar (which is also volatile, as George Brett can attest). Bear starts a fire and declares it to be “an EXXXXTREMELY AWESOME success.” This kid throws around AWESOME and EXXXXTREME so much now that the words have lost all meaning. You just can’t go around saying things are “EXXXXTREME” when they are merely adequate. If everything is EXXXXTREME, then nothing is. If everything is AWESOME, then nothing is.

“The Discovery crew films thousands of hours of footage over the course of a year. So much, that not everything makes it to air,” says Our Dear Narrator. Thank the Good Lord. Could you imagine watching thousands of hours of this crap? A thousand hours equals 41.67 days. I want to be struck blind after watching one hour a week for eight weeks. “Now, for the first time, new interviews from the family reveal new insights to never-before-seen Lost Footage from the past season and the challenges everyone has living wild,” continues Our Dear Narrator. I like to imagine that Asa, Our Dear Narrator, has never actually seen an episode of ABP and he just comes into a studio for an hour, reads what’s written down, then goes home to sip cognac and listen to Bach.

It’s hard being a crew member on this show. You need to be in top physical and mental shape to keep pace with the show’s rapid-fire bullshit. And then you have the family’s incompetence putting your life at risk at every turn. And then you’ve got Billy telling his family to bum-rush you, like when they were preparing for that fake storm. “Cameramen and all these people get in your way, knock ’em down out of your way! This does not matter about them right now!” It would be rude as hell if it weren’t in the script.

And then you’ve got to run around filming King Solomon the EXXXXTREME everywhere as he slathers himself in mud and does somersaults for reasons unknown. “A lot of the time y’all don’t even see half of the EXXXXTREME things I do. You only see the EXXXXTREME things I do that are caught on camera,” says Bear. I like to imagine what Bear will be like when he’s 85 years old. Will he still be EXXXXTREME just because that tattoo on his back, now wrinkly and sagging, identifies him as such? Will he have EXXXXTREME arthritis? Will he have EXXXXTREME hearing loss or EXXXXTREME loss of bladder control? With our luck, this show will still be on the air 60 years from now.

Of the thousands of hours of footage captured, there are only 700 hours of Noah being a narcissistic ass-munch. Take, for example, the construction of the barge that kept the Suzuki Samurai afloat. In some Lost Footage, Noah, Bam and Bear are discussing plans for the barge. Bear just wants to put the Samurai in the water, step on the gas and see what happens. “Once you come back from La La Land, would you grab me a popsicle?” Noah asks. Noah’s brothers are just as confused by this as I am. I am confused by Noah’s choice of attire for this project. He looks like an early prototype of Slash that Guns N’ Roses rejected.

Alaskan Bush People Noah

Noah says that the barge must extend 3 feet beyond the Suzuki on all sides or it will flip. Bam is unsure that they’ll have enough empty barrels to accomplish that. “If we’re not able to get the full amount and it flips, then I do not take responsibility for the outcome,” Noah says. “I can only tell you what happens when a nuke goes off. It’s up to you to push the button or not.” Noah should just really give up on the nuke analogies. Our Dear Narrator says that the barge took a whole week to finish. Pfffft. I’m pretty sure three competent guys put it together in less than two hours.

In another scene of captivating drama, Rainy says she could beat her brothers (the strong ones, not doughy Noah) in a push-up contest. Bam gets down and gives a good number of push-ups. Then Rainy gets in there, and she starts doing something barely recognizable as a push-up. Maybe just stick to acting like a badass, Rainy.

ABPRainy

Finally, we get some Kenny! Now, we all know that Kenny is really dead, killed by Matt and buried in the root cellar. Somehow, Discovery cameras are able to capture the spirit of Kenny, which often manifests itself as one of Matt’s drunken hallucinations. In this Lost Footage, Bear has come to the dump to look for a door for his treehouse. Kenny shows Bear the inventory, including what Kenny says are “lots of shot-up” car doors.

Bear finds an adequate red door. “It kind of just says ‘EXXXXTREME.’ I mean red’s the color of fire. It’s the color of blood.” Ah, yes. Excellent choice, sir. Shall I have it giftwrapped for you?

Our Dear Narrator says Gabe’s biohazard cabin took 20 days to move, resulting in hundreds of hours of footage. Twenty days? Hundreds of hours? I’m pretty sure I could move that thing by myself in less than 20 days. There’s something mystical about that cabin. It’s able to double its mass and alter the spac-time continuum. Bear is very pleased with how they all came together on the project, and he starts handing out EXXXXTREME Points to everyone like he’s Bush Oprah. “EXXXXTREME Points for you. EXXXXTREME Points for you. EXXXXTREME Points for you.” EXXXXTREME Points were mentioned briefly in a previous episode, but now we get some rules governing how they are administered. You see, if you’re just strolling around the woods enjoying the scenery, that awards you zero EXXXXTREME Points. However, if you run around the woods like an orangutan on PCP, you get 5 EXXXXTREME Points. EXXXXTREME Points can be redeemed for fabulous prizes at the counter up front. One thousand EXXXXTREME Points get you a fake mustache or a rubber snake.

The crew has captured thousands of hours of Billy getting sick or injured to get out of work, like when he injured his knee while walking through the woods with Ami (that’s zero EXXXXTREME Points). “Every time I’ve been hurt, it’s something stupid,” Billy says. “Every cotton picking time.” Can’t argue with that. Every time he gets hurt, it is something stupid. It was revealed Billy once tore his Achilles tendon while stepping off of a bulldozer. Now THAT injury is easily worth 5 EXXXXTREME Points.

Remember when Noah was trying to make hydrogen? Of course you do! In some Lost Footage, we see Noah futzing around with with batteries and wires and acids and SHE’S GONNA BLOW!!! OK, not this time. But never underestimate the persistence in which Noah tries to maim or disfigure himself. “You can never succeed at something unless you’ve failed about a billion times,” he says. Even the crew feared for their safety, though that was probably fake fear. “Brown Luck’s kind of like a magnet. If you stay around it long enough, you absorb some of the magnetism,” Noah says.

We get a little glimpse of Gabe at the dentist getting his braces, and Gabe’s offer to barter fish for orthodontia. The dentist laughs, saying that it would require a truckload of salmon. Dude, don’t joke about that. The Brown family would actually try to do it, and then you’d be stuck with like 10,000 dead fish at your office. You do not want to get Bear started on that project. He’s got a hunchin’ for some punchin’!

Earlier this season, we got to visit Excursion Inlet to meet Bruce, Wearer of the Green Pants, Provider of Frozen Pizza, Defender of the Salmon Cannery. Bruce is an interesting guy, and it’s really a shame the ABP producers dismissed most of Bruce’s stuff to the Lost Footage pile. I’d rather watch Bruce than see yet another stupid Boat Malfunction. Bruce could easily be on Doomsday Preppers, though his stockpiling goods is more out of necessity than some paranoia. Bruce has a whole freezer for pizza, though I see that one of the boxes inside reads “Bar-S Thick Sliced Bologna.” Bruce also has a massive stockpile of dry goods such as rice, flour and pinto beans, all in boxes that appear to be dated 1991. Bruce is really pushing the shelf life of a lot of that stuff. “If there’s an apocalypse, with what we have and what’s available locally, we could basically live here until we die,” Bruce says. Indeed, Bruce. You will basically live until you die. That is how it works. I’m just disappointed we didn’t get to see Bruce’s enormous stash of green pants.

In Hoonah, we find Kenny and Matt delivering a freshly caught octopus to some dude named Rayno. “She’s a little sticky,” says Kenny, as they hand the plastic-bagged cephalopod over to Rayno, who plans on using it for halibut fishing bait or throwing it on the ice at a Detroit Red Wings game. Rayno has Matt and Kenny slice up the octopus, making sure they get the ink sac out of the equation. Matt holds up the ink sac, which is squishy and looks like a black breast implant. That ink sac would make an excellent whoopee cushion. [DIGRESSION! The plural of “octopus” will always be “octopii.” Screw this “octopuses” nonsense. The plural of the James Bond film Octopussy is a discussion for another time.]

In loving memory. Goodnight, sweet prince.

ABPKenny

We get to see some Lost Footage of Billy and Coach Wolff, who had the Browns haul away his gross gym mats a while back, go panning for gold. Watching people pan for gold is terrible, but it does give me an excuse to run this pic again:

BillyYukon

In Pelican, we see Ami meeting up with a lady, Vicki, who has a special relationship with the local ravens. I think Vicki may have died a few weeks ago, but no one’s told her yet.

ABPVicki

Vicki puts out what appear to be Cheese Balls snacks, and the ravens come right up to her to eat them. Now I have a craving for Cheese Balls, and I want to devour a 2-pound jar of them in one sitting. Pray for me.

Of course, there was plenty of Lost Footage from the Browns’ trip down the West Coast. When the Browns’ RV broke down one rainy night in Oregon, everything went just as scripted. What didn’t go as scripted was the production crew getting locked out of their truck.

The Browns stop in Ashland, Ore., where there are public drinking fountains spewing Natural Lithia Water, believed by some to have health benefits. Or it could contain toxins, but whatever. So why would anyone drink this noxious-smelling, foul-tasting, possibly toxic water? Because it’s FREE! And it’s fun to make people do it on a dare. Gabe says that it smells like “muskeg,” which is what we in the Lower 48 call a “bog.”

Elsewhere in Ashlandia, Bear is out “bird-doggin'” but mistakes some dude for a beautiful woman. Bear does end up talking to two ladies, but he doesn’t employ his filibuster strategy and lets the ladies walk away. BTW, how many 1980s leather jackets does Bear own? He started out this season with his new red leather Michael Jackson jacket, but now it looks like he stole a different jacket from that gang leader in “Beat It.” Have a look-see:

ABPBearJacket

BeatItLeather

OK, stay with me. We’re in the home stretch of this thing. One of Billy’s old Bush Buddies, Randy Mac, is in Hoonah, and the Browns haven’t seen him in 15 years. Randy Mac can remember when Noah was just a young lad, so full of promise and not yet so full of himself. Randy drives this bizarre truck that has dozens of various electrical thingies on it. I do not know what Randy’s doing with this vehicle nor do I care to know. “I actually got arrested in it in New York City for looking like a terrorist,” Randy says. Ah, so that’s where Randy’s been for 15 years: in Guantanamo Bay.

Randy and Billy’s other buddy Trapper come to visit Brownton Abbey. Randy comes bearing gifts, some smooth-polished jasper and marble that he picked up from the Browns’ old property in Haines. Ami is just tickled. “I have a passion for rocks,” Ami says. Of course she does. After all, she married Billy.

And so ends this episode. Well, sort of. There’s one thing left, and I’ll let Bam say it:

“Peace out!”

ABPBamPeaceOut

 

 

51 Comments

  1. I just wondering why, if you hate the show so much, do you keep watching it and spending so much time writing about it….

    • Well, it’s my job to write about TV shows, both good and bad. And there is a big audience for stuff about Alaskan Bush People. I wouldn’t keep watching/writing if people weren’t reading.

  2. If the Discovery Chanel had first billed Alaskan Bush People as
    Billy and Ami Brown and their grown kids abandoning city life for the Alaskan bush. Then their fumbling around and generally screwing things up would be more believable as city people trying to adapt to their new environment. As it is these people have obviously spent no more time in the bush than it takes to film their show.

    • Bill, I have beat that drum for a while now concerning ABP. Just be honest and play this as a fish out of water story, and not only would it be so much more true to life but people could relate. Besides the criminal activity, the rest of what are now complete lies wouldn’t be an issue. Instead you built this show around complete foolishness and have been backtracking and having to defend yourself ever since. “This recently discovered family living in the bush for 30 years” is so ridiculously over the top in its claims.
      BTW – I am writing this from Mars in the spaceship I built in my backyard. I however did not steal any money to build my spaceship. Ready to give me a show Discovery? My story is much more believable.

    • I understand what you are proposing, but it wouldn’t fit with the main points of the family – that there are unusual and special ways to live in an isolated setting, which the family calls
      ‘the bush’ (a sainted place that only their genius allows them to navigate.)
      They are a strange copy of Gilligan’s Island without the professor. Each member of the Brownclowns is a version of Gilligan,. himself.
      Pouring chicken fat on a one thousand dollar rifle is Gilligan. Putting up a hut, using old truck tires (which would fill with water and serve as a mosquito breeding place) is Gilligan. Eating grass covered in animal urine is Gilligan.
      Towing a skiff on a rope so long that the wake and waves would batter the skiff severely is Gilligan. Pretending to tow a slime covered shack with a 58 foot boat is Gilligan. Cutting down a large tree, towing it 65 miles by sea, to cut the wood up into boards with a chain saw is Gilligan.
      Perhaps we could come up with a Gilligan scale to rate episodes.

  3. Regarding the Browns, I have to give a pass to Rain. She was dragged into this as a minor and is still a minor who only, in most part, has the behavior of her family to emulate. Being a Brown is what she knows as she has, apparently, had no opportunity for socialization or education with a peer group or with the families of her peer group. On reflection, this is basically true for all the Brown children. Nevertheless, they are adults and she is not—therefore, I do not think it is fair to include her in any comments about the Browns being liars, or cheaters on the PFD—and neither Matt nor Bird were charged with PFD fraud, either, correct?

    Be that as it may, I wonder if the Browns are watching the Olympics out there in the bush? That’s what I’ll be doing here in the Lower 48—-watching swimming, swimming and more swimming. Love it!! I was a competitive swimmer for years and years, but never got close to Olympic caliber. Oh, well. 🙂

    • Hi Lower48! If recollection serves me, I believe it was Matt and Rainy who were the only 2 not charged with the PFD fraud. I could be wrong, and if I am, I stand corrected.

        • You are correct. Shortly after the PFD story broke, a few of them were charged with fishing violations. Bird being one of them. That must be where my confusion came into play. Apologies!

          • I recall reading that some of the brownclowns were charged with purchasing resident hunting licenses, when they should have purchased non-resident (expensive) hunting licenses.

  4. There is absolutely no doubt that the Browns are manipulative, dishonest, thieving drains on society. However, they provide us all a magnificent yet also unfortunate sorry-ass spectacle of another group of ADULTS (-1) that feel the world owes them a living for simply existing. They are getting paid big $ for this entire facade people. David’s absolutely correct in his frustrations. They do not belong on tv. They’ve stole, deceived and mocked decent hard-working Americans directly and indirectly throughout this entire disaster of a “reality show”

  5. Ok, the new ratings for ABP held steady in the 18-49 group with a .5 but overall audience slipped further to a total of 2,066,000, a new all time low. They already said they were filming a new season and it was coming back so that is almost assuredly going to happen. Despite what Discovery said I think there is a small chance that ABP doesn’t return. Ratings and viewers are slipping as they should be as ABP has gotten much worse. This isn’t a show that Discovery can possibly be proud of. They grin and bare it as long as it makes money. Minute the cash cow status is gone it is bye bye Billy. Then throw in some possible bad news off screen involving the Browns in the next few months and I think it is possible they cut the cord. Keep in mind Discovery thinks so highly of this show they air in on the weakest night of the week for TV. I am going as high as 15% we never see this turd again. I am going 60% that the next season will be their last.

  6. Honestly I am a fan. Why I’m not sure. The accents and the fact that nobody looks like anybody else in the entire family? We have a 33, 31, 29, 25 and 23 year old men all without wives or fiances’ a 20 year old women who plays with dolls with her 15 year old sister all who live at home. The wolf pack? Are you kidding me? Even birds eventually leave the nest. Billy and Ami have robbed their children of their young adulthood by forcing them into servitude to build their dreams of Browntown for themselves.

    • I think you’re right about the Brown siblings. I Believe Matt’s recent disclosure of his drinking problem is a manifestation of a young man who needs to be finding himself as an individual, away from his family. To me, it is so apparent. I feel kind of sorry for him, with all the pressure of the family (cult-like) mantra to “keep the wolfpack together.” He needs to escape the scorn of Bam and be his own man. Or wolf. Or whatever.

      • And I forgot this…. Matt, if you’re reading this, please cut your hair. Despite what some girl may have told you, looking like a dandelion puffball is not a good look.

        • This is one of my favorite shows, believe it or not! Maybe it’s because I grew up in a large family and understand the sibling rivalry and chaos. Matt is a handsome man, but having that Halloween wig on all year long is starting to get old! Doesn’t anyone in the family talk to him or see him on a daily basis? Since Ami is the mother, and Billy (Bully) is the father, someone has to tell him that the Shirley Temple look expired in the 30’s… Or, if someone from the crew could give him a picture of his hair, and tell him how NOT to wear it, or tell him its time for a trip to see Mr. Barbor.. It’s sad to see that Matt looks like an orphan, and nobody loves him! He seems like a great guy, but a little wacky! He needs a woman in his life!

  7. I didn’t mention it before but besides your great recaps are those photo shop memes I give you sincere thanks. I have gone back in and learned things I never knew how to do. I tried to copy and paste but it won’t work. Any way THANKS. Yeah ya remember that George Brett incident. George said after that he was grateful for it cause he was known as hemorrhoid guy up till then. Only Red Wing playoff games and I understand they should be boiled. Thanks.

  8. I think there is a dental problem in Alaska—at least among the Browns and their acquaintances. That is one of my take-a-ways from this show.

    While I don’t need ABP to go on and on, occasional updates would be interesting (although I am not sure if Ryan’s heart could survive even that—Billy’s could, of course, as he has a Bush heart—but I digress): i.e. Anyone get a job? Get married? Gandchildren? Is Browntown a thriving metropolis? Dental improvements?

      • I love your dedication. To actually want to write about this nonsense during the offseason is inspiring. That will be the only reason for me to check in from time to time. I can’t watch it anymore. It’s not fun like before. I changed the channel after 10 minutes during the last 3 episodes. Listening to Billy’s voice and his never ending lies is more annoying then ever. Not to mention Discoverys attempt to use the same repetitive story line scenarios week after week because there’s nothing else to write about accept an alleged personal problem one of the family members is experiencing, i.e., Matt. If it is in fact true and I hope it’s not, I believe it should be kept private. For Discover wanting to exploit it is just another sign the show has run its course and they are really reaching to retain viewership to milk every possible penny out of a former cash cow. I hope Matt came to his senses and decided to break away from the family and go out on his own to experience life. Better late than never. Now that would be a interesting story line. Matt showing signs of independence. Standing up to Billy and leaving the family/show because he doesn’t want to be apart of Billy’s fantasy. But we all know, at least for now, we’ll never know the true story unless Matt is the one that decides to go public. And if that ever happened I wouldn’t put it past Billy and Ami to discredit Matt by saying he has a substance abuse problem and doesn’t know what he is saying. That’s the type of support that can be expected from these two to keep their fantasy believable.

        • This is exactly what I said at the beginning of this season when I tried to watch ABP. It wasn’t in the least fun and I completely dreaded even hitting play on the DVR. I tried really hard to stick with it but it was complete torture. The laugh out loud at the train wreck angle was completely gone. At one point I was completely questioning my sanity when it would pop up on the DVR. Finally enough was enough after about 3-4 shows. I think I only stuck around that long because a couple of people liked my rantings. It felt like the show had a side bet going on to see if they could shoot a show for under $100 and people would still watch. I missed most of the season and not for a single second did it ever seem like I was missing out on anything. Also I can’t say it didn’t feel a little good inside to not support these lying criminals. Thank goodness for Ryan taking one for the team. This crapfest will never be on a TV I own again. I suffered permanent burnout. Worked out great timing wise as ABP went to a new lever of low with stupid rerun story lines that go nowhere and don’t seem in the least interesting. Then absolute final straw for me was ABP trying to spin propaganda that North Korea would be proud of on how they did nothing wrong in the dividend fraud conviction. That made me want to throw my TV through the window as my blood boiled. At this point the ABP audience must be aimed at people who are in mental institutions or people who should be in mental institutions.
          Serious question for the group… name me a worse television show in the history of TV. I will happily debate it.

          • Well that is a challenge, David. But, for me, it would be all TV shows where sexual innuendos are the driving force: Three’s Company, How I Met Your Mother, etc. I abhor those types of shows. I would rather watch Bear tumble thru the forest and Ami make cake any day—even Noah and his crazy experiments and Billy sitting on a log provide better viewing IMO.

          • Well I understand the sexual innuendo part, as it can be a driving force in some scripted 30 minute comedies. That is definitely something morally we all fall somewhere on the scale how acceptable it is.
            The problem with the Browns is we all agree they are completely lying about spending much if anytime living in the bush. Most would agree even the claim of living in Alaska for long periods of time has been proven to be false. Rather than come clean we have to listen to a pile of bull on the show and in interviews where they claim they traveled “unconventionally” and didn’t keep good track. Ummmm No, you completely made things up and lied about them and got caught.
            They plead guilty to fraud and theft for stealing many thousands of dollars from the state and citizens of Alaska. Admitted it right in court. Yet on their show Billy claims not only didn’t they ever steal or do anything wrong, but they are actually martyrs against an overbearing government. I am sorry, that for me is way worse than sexual innuendos. Not only are they convicted criminals, but there is zero remorse. I could somewhat soften on things if the Browns just showed a little contrition and remorse of what they done. What Billy is metaphorically doing is flipping his middle finger to the laws and saying he is only sorry he got caught. He has zero remorse whatsoever. All he cares for is himself and his wallet. The Browns are exactly what society shouldn’t want from it’s citizens. Lying cheating thieves that are only out for themselves and making money. The show is so bad though their audience is just too stupid to even understand what they represent. They want to believe in a fairy tale and don’t take time to understand what the Browns represent. IMO ABP is way worse than a Threes Company, How I met your mother or even a Two and a Half Men. While people may want to make ABP as just good clean fun (Bear in the forest, Ami making a cake and Noah’s crazy experiments) it is anything but. It is a completely made up pile of crap where they are claiming one thing but completely lying about the backstory all the while committing crimes that they have no remorse for at all. Sorry, I think ABP is much much worse. All of this is just my opinion as ethics and morals means different things to different people.
            That went different way then I thought. I thought somebody was going to throw out something like the Chevy Chase show.

          • David, I agree that the Browns have not been forthright regarding the PFDs they received. If they truly believed they were innocent they should have taken it to trial. I also am well-aware that a lot of what is presented is fantasy, e.g. Browntown and that they really live there; that they are fish out of water in the Lower 48; that Noah has invented something new or helpful, etc. etc.

            Nevertheless, I still would rather watch their dog-and-pony show—where, at least, I get to enjoy a good dose of beautiful Alaska—than the type of shows I mentioned above.

            Other shows I find atrocious are anything like the Real Housewife shows o ranything to do with boxing.

          • This is nothing more than we are disagreeing based on person taste. Completely understandable and there is no right or wrong answer. I would never watch one second of real housewives or anything of the like. From what I have heard of that show some of the couples may not be as well off as they portray. I know one of the couples did some jail time (Giudice’s). Course we could even go as far as to say at least they paid for their crimes unlike our Browns. Now here is where I just may be getting on my high horse again and beating the same tired old drum. The Housewives may be horrible but doesn’t sound like they are breaking the law or completely lying about the whole premise of the show. Sounds to me like it is about a bunch of cackling hens arguing about dumb things. Horrible show, but probably not that morally dubious.
            Now we can say that an occasional aerial shot of southeast Alaska is beautiful, or there is nothing so bad about Bear howling at the moon, or Noah doing dumb experiments is cute or even Matt and his tries at building shelter is comical. What is the big harm in that? Just a little bit of fun right? Well… living 30 years in bush until they were recently discovered (huge pile of BS), living near Chitna Alaska (supposedly in the bush when actually in a neighborhood) and building their cabin until shots rang out in the night as people drove them away (all BS), wintering in Ketchikan Alaska until they were able to procure a new boat along with land on Chicagof Island for their new home (complete utter BS), building their new home on their new land on the island (yawn… total BS), starting their new cargo hauling company to earn money (huge pile of BS), attacks of the roving band of ISIS bears that decimate everything in their sight only on Brown land (BS BS BS), basically every detail of this show (big steaming pile of BS), 99% of the words that come out of any member of the Browns mouth (yep you guessed it… BS).
            This isn’t stretching the truth, deviating from the main story line just a tad to spice things up, or adding a few details here and there to spice things up. This is completely fabricating events that never happened in order to make money from a TV show. This show, family and network will continue to defend themselves to the end to continue the lie for one reason only… make money. How in the @#$% do you get convicted of crimes then say you never did it but you are the bigger person defending your family. My goodness they filled out sworn paperwork in their own handwriting and sent in while committing my crimes. Not like it was an innocent mistake or anything. It is Discovery channel that gives Billy his microphone to spew his BS on society. Not to go all holier than thou but the main reason I quit watching this show is it had the IQ equivalent of 30. Despite this it still felt kind of icky to even watch and support this crud in any way. Why am I not only watching the worst show to ever air on television, but they were convicted of stealing money… FROM ME! None of the Browns have any remorse whatsoever from any of the different ways they have broken the law. No thank you to this show.
            Lastly your argument of “well this show is better than…” (the normal answer is the Kardashians) I would sum up the way I have in the past with super fans. Just because you dislike the Kardashians or in this case Real Housewives, doesn’t make ABP good. This isn’t a punishment where one of the three shows must be consumed. Or, put another way there are three sample plates in front of you 1) Cat poop 2) Dog poop 3) Cow poop. Because you find the taste of the cat poop less objectionable than the cow or dog, I don’t see why any of them should be consumed.
            As always, if you enjoy the show of course you should consume the product. It is entertainment and you should enjoy your free time with pursuits that bring you happiness. You and I have always gotten along well, and I enjoy your writings so please don’t take this as an attack. I posed the question of please tell me a worse show than ABP and I will happily debate it. ABP is honestly on the Mt Rushmore of bad all time shows. It has the rare combo of a storyline that is an affront to that very word with their make it up as we go show, EVERYTHING on this show is an utter fabrication and that is probably being kind and then throw in their illegal activity against the place and people they claim to love give you a triple crown threat that can’t be beat.

          • Ryan, I am not saying that there isn’t healthy competition for worst show ever. The topic is completely subjective so there is no right or wrong answer. But I think we can each offer up an example that we think is healthy competition for the title.
            ABP honestly has it all.
            1) Complete train wreck, but most importantly no longer in a fun way that makes you laugh at it because of the shear stupidity. Nope, awful in a way that is completely boring and is past nails on the chalkboard.
            CHECK
            2) Completely repetitive and lack of any kind of of story line or plot. Reminds me of a kids summer camp where you go from one crafts project to the next with the sole purpose of just passing time.
            CHECK
            3) Not based in any reality. I don’t need to keep going on and on about this. If a Browns lips are moving… THEIR LYING!!!!!!!!!!
            CHECK CHECK and CHECK
            4) They are criminals that show zero remorse for their deeds.
            CHECK
            This show is the Babe Ruth of bad shows. It can go toe to with any bad reality or scripted show on the planet in sheer stupidity and being a complete affront to intellectual thought. It could win on that alone or at least be right there. But throw in that the entire show is one big lie, the criminal activity along with no sense repentance whatsoever (Heck they paint themselves as the victims for goodness sake)… ding ding ding WE HAVE A WINNER!

          • You are correct on all accounts. Here’s what sets ABP apart from your run-of-the-mill TV crap: How does a show this bad, that meets all the criteria of badness and was discredited two years ago, stay on the air for 4+ seasons?

          • Here is why I think the show has stayed on for 4 seasons…

            1) Alaska – The show is based on life in Alaska and in the last 5 years or so anything reality based in Alaska is very hot.
            2) Marketing muscle of Discovery – Discovery has pumped up this show at every turn. Lots of ads, online presence and TV marathons especially before the season premiers. Discovery has spent a lot more time and effort on this show that your average TV show. If you market the heck out of many products, you are going to have success. Discovery has done a good job keeping ABP in the limelight.
            3) Tapped into the simpler life – Lots of people deep inside themselves think they would enjoy dropping out of modern society and living the simpler life whether in the wilderness or on a desert island. Not only is ABP tapping into Alaska but also people deeper wanting of a simpler life.
            4) Had a story line – This show for its first couple of seasons had some form of a story. The family was trying to find land and build shelter for the coming winter. There was a sense of timeliness as they were trying to accomplish something before the coming winter.
            5) Belonging to the group – Early rating of this show were three times higher than now. When people are talking about a show you want to be involved (i.e. – the water cooler show). When I discovered your site I hadn’t even seen an episode. I was doing research about what this show was about since I kept seeing ads and hearing their name. When I read your blog I felt the need to watch the show so I would know what we were making fun of. Plus, I wanted to be able to add my two cents of things other people might have missed.
            6) It was train wreck funny – I cannot stress the importance of this point more. When this show started even if you weren’t a fan of the show it was a tremendous hate watching show. It was so train wreck funny. It was funny to make fun of how poorly they did certain things and the editing errors were fun to see how many you could point out. I would generally watch the show the night it aired and would jot down a few notes for the discussion to follow. Love it or hate it the show was entertaining.
            7) Ethics – In the early part of the show we hadn’t yet gone down the road of the theft and fraud that was going to rear its ugly head later on. Even then they hadn’t had their day in court so there was innocent until proven guilty.
            With this in mind Discovery had a hit on their hands. Now fast forward to the present we have a show that isn’t funny or interesting anymore. It is past mind numbing. They have ruined their product with very poor writing and storyline development. The simpler life angle is pretty much shot as it is very well known they never lived in the bush for 30 years and pretty much don’t spend a lot of time in Alaska. The Browns are known liars, cheats, thieves. It is just feel so wrong to want to even be involved in this anymore as a consumer of their product (At least for me, but again, 2/3 of the audience has left). So we are left with a show that is like a 747 that has just had engines 1,2,3 flame out and it is losing altitude trying to limp along on one engine. I am not saying this was the worst show ever on TV in season 1 & 2 and what we watched and knew at the time. My contention is that what we have after season 4 is now the worst show in TV history. This is not new to TV shows at all. Most have an arc over their runs on TV. One that comes to mind was the Drew Carey Show. Early seasons were fast moving give and take humor that was not a bad show and good for a laugh. By the last season of the show it was such a sad relic of what had been. Slow moving, terrible give and take with the character and Drew in a relationship that sucked the life right out of the show. Unwatchable. ABP is just as bad or worse as the arc goes, but add in the morals and ethics and the lying about the story and it is so much worse than just a show aging badly.

      • Oh, Ryan, I didn’t mean for you to supply updates—although you are more than welcome to do so if you think your heart/brain can take the stress—I meant for Discovery to update us every now and then with a “where are they now” type format once the show is over. 🙂

      • I watched bits and pieces of the Discovery marathon of Bush People, and those old shows were worse than I realized. Birdbrain had no accent the first two seasons, then started copying her brothers.
        The Bush Hot Tub scene with Matt and Birdbrain was, well, discomfiting.
        The relationship between the two is unhealthy, in my opinion, which I value highly.
        Matt shoots a deer (the announcer, with his voice of doom, says the deer is more than 50 yards away, so that requires an incredible marksman, which is bullshit.) Matt announces that he shot the deer in the head so that no meat would be wasted. Shooting a deer in the head is an act of poor sportsmanship. Only a drunken, lying idiot would say that or do it.
        Delivering 2 baby goats with that 58 foot diesel guzzling boat was even dumber to watch this time around. And Billy the Bum, who has those years of experience as a fishing boat captain doesn’t know how to read the tide tables?
        The damage from the bears, by the way, looked really fake. Much of the mess would not have had the scent of food on it, and therefore, the bears wouldn’t bother with it.
        Ryan, you should take a shot at a summary of the four silly seasons.
        It would be more amusing than usual.
        Just one more thing – it would be fun to put the brownclowns on one of those Deadliest Catch boats. I would enjoy that.

        • Now that you brought it up I did notice that ABP was on the guide for the Discovery Channel the entire day that goes till 2 AM in the morning. Ummm, what the heck are you doing Discovery? Did Park Slope Productions take over the network in a Turkish style coup and change their lineup? Seriously, you think people are dying to see a thrown together clip show of the film crew from ABP so badly that you would warm them up with an entire day of reruns? Why don’t you just light your network on fire and get it over with?
          ABP reruns? This last season was about as good as a bucket of vomit and you want to pound the airwaves with reruns of this crud? Obviously I think this show is horrible so I am completely biased. That said what could be worse than ABP reruns? Watching season 1 again now with the knowledge that as soon as the director called final cut they were on a plane to go live in Texas. Wow, that does sound like good times. As they get on a boat to go to the new land near Hoonah in season two we know Discovery leased the land for a film set for seven years (you wish this lasted seven years Discovery) and a construction company built everything. Yea, that sounds like must see TV.
          Discovery seems so vested in this I am surprised they aren’t announcing their new fall lineup of shows…
          Bear: Extreme Alaska, The Birdie and Rainy Show, Matt’s This Old House Alaska, Pompous Ass Alaska with Noah, Billy’s Alaskan Greed, Strongman Alaska with Gabe. I think they will skip Ami and Bam this time around. Ami will break in half if she moves 3 inches and Bam would probably be quite normal away from the other Browns. Don’t give up on this Discovery, America is clamoring for everything Browns. Go big or go home!

        • I thought of rewatching Season 1 just to see how the show devolved since then. Season 1 was no masterpiece by any means, but at least things happened at a relatively fast pace with only four episodes. Season 2 was identical to Season 1, just spread out over 4x as many episodes.

      • Hey Ryan! I watched a few re-runs Friday night (I don’t get out much!!!), and I noticed that in the first few episodes of this debacle of a show, Bear wasn’t as animated in his speech…what he was saying could actually be understood (not for content, just for the pronunciation of the words). His “accent” didn’t develop until further on in the series. I actually almost liked him better(which isn’t saying a lot) before he got to be such a ham on camera!

    • Here is something to think about. One of the Alaska shows focuses on an isolated village called Tanana, I think, and they actually do stuff competently.
      One of the men on that show married a native woman, and they had a daughter who was about 20 years old. The village is remote, on a river.
      The young woman did something that is impossible -she had a baby that is clearly the product of coitus with a black man. But there is no black man in sight.
      So the father of the baby, I conclude, was a camera man working to record the events in Tanana.
      Why do I bring this up, you ask? Maybe the Discovery camera men are getting ‘close’ to birdbrain, and are PATIENTLY WAITING FOR MERRY CHRISTMAS SUMMER FALL WINTER SPRING RAIN TO COME OF LEGAL AGE. And maybe the female Discovery crew members are getting to ‘know’ the lads.
      My theory would explain a lot, wouldn’t it?

      • I can’t speak to the other show, but there is scuttlebutt that Bam is romantically connected with ABP crew member Allison Kagan. There are pictures of Bam with her in New York City. The interwebs have also had reports of Bam engagement/marriage. Again, it’s gossip. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it was manufactured by the Browns/ABP just to mess with people.

      • The show about Tanana is called Yukon Men. My Dad likes it and I watched some of the first season. It is way more true to life and interesting then ABP, but that is almost saying nothing. If ABP were shown to prisoners it probably would be considered cruel and unusual punishment at this point. Problem with Yukon Men is they way over play their isolation for drama purposes. One of the story lines was basically everybody was going to starve to death if the latest hunt wasn’t successful (sounds familiar ABP fans?). These are real Alaskans that do live there and they stock up on fish and meat all summer and fall long. This isn’t their first rodeo. Also they fail to mention that Tanana has a store, a place to buy gas, a restaurant and regular airline service all year long in addition to commercial boat service in the summer. Also they just recently got road service. So they aren’t nearly as isolated as they try to proclaim. Also a bit strange that it is a mostly native american community but most of the main characters are either white or half white. Just a little odd. Verdict: (from me) Some truth to how they live but completely overplay the drama and are not near as isolated as they proclaim (grade C-). Best best for true Alaskan experience… Life Below Zero and The Last Alaskans.

  9. Great clips and recap! In any other scenerio Kenny would not be the most normal (looking and acting) one of the bunch. I would love to hear who Bear’s influences are. What is he watching? Who is he talking to? Same with Noah, what makes him think he is so grand? These are the questions that keep me up at night (til around 11:00 PM, I pretty much go to bed then anyway)! I keep trying to sign off for the season, but those #&*^#@s at Discovery keep finding this excruciatingly, repetitive, mindless drivel to fill my Friday nights!

    • This is not an attack on home schooling, but two relatives – two different women -homeschooled their sons, and the sons acquired an inflated sense of self worth that was astonishing. Every thing each of the children did mas inflated so much I thought a Nobel prize was on the way. Their social skills matched up with that.
      If we apply that to the Brownclown perpetual children, and remember that thew Discovery fraudsters are feeding them lines, such as Birdbrain’s repetitive ‘this is the bush way’ plus the fact that they have I phones/watches because they are paid to do this, small wonder they behave accordingly.

  10. What bothers me the most about Alaskan Bush People is that these worthless clowns get paid for this nonsense. Billy, Ami, and their kids have scammed me into watching this train wreck of a show and that contributes to their ratings and what they are paid. I hate it that I have contributed to their iPhones, Apple Watches, and quite probably their vacation in Hawaii. I know I could ‘just not watch’ but the train wreck just goes on and on and my fate is sealed.
    Good thing Ryan is here with his recap to let me know I’m not alone.

    • You speak truth, man. I’ve always been conflicted about these recaps. There’s no such thing as bad press, and I’m a very minor accomplice in keeping ABP on TV and the Browns in the public eye.

  11. Now THAT’S the Ryan we all know & love!!! Great job, considering how little you had to work with! If you are correct and this abomination of a show lasts another 60 years (!), I’m o.k. with that. I’ll be long dead and won’t have to put myself through the mind-numbing hell that is BrownTown. I wanted to slap the stupid right out of Ami when she started rambling about not knowing what strip malls were…why there were so many…and why there wasn’t just ONE store that sells everything. Hasn’t anyone told her that Ike Godsey (The Waltons) has long since retired from being the guy with the store that sells EVERYTHING…? And not for nothing, but are we expected to believe that none of the Brown “kids” know that if a building has a “back”, it also has a “front” …where the doors to enter would be? Stupidity…the Brown’s own natural resource…As far as Noah goes…he’d be doing himself a favor if he could invent some sort of diet pill to get rid of all the extra poundage his lazy ass gained from doing nothing. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again…real homesteaders don’t usually gain a significant amount of weight…homestead chores are never ending & provide some of the best exercise. There’s so much more to be said of Noah, but I just can’t…Billy’s “injuries”, “illnesses” and overall laziness is annoying, to say the least. But, has anyone else noticed that when he makes a statement he always follows it with “I really do”, I really am”, etc.? Just who is he trying to convince anyway…? One last thing before I go…did I notice on the t.v. screen while watching another Discovery show that there is ANOTHER “special” ABP episode to air on Friday…or was I just seeing things…?

    • You’re not seeing things, CT_H. I checked our listings database this morning and there was an ABP episode on 8/5 at 9pm ET without an episode title or a description. They’ve since updated it to a rerun, so it looks like we’ve finally put this season to bed. YAY!

    • Ami didn’t know what strip malls were. Ooooh, lots of stores!

      I lived in Texas in the 1970’s. Ami left with Billy in about 1978, at age 15.

      Either I hallucinated all those strip malls, or Ami was too stoned to notice them, Or perhaps chained up in Billy’s basement.

  12. Good eye lakerman1, noah is definately getting fatter and seemingly more useless and lazy by each episode. Personally, I just think he’s a complete waist of oxygen. Rain’s feeble attempt of an authoritative work ethic and effort with her brothers amuses me to no end. She’s honestly a complete joke. I’m under the impression that bear and bird are on the same exact, unfortunately plateaued, mental plane never to ascend again. Bams turned into a depressed, nervous bush bum and Matt is apparently the only one with, either the brain or the guts, to enjoy life and sew some long-deserved wild oats. Ami’s situation is just very sad to me. It is obvious that she has lived under years and years of lazy, worthless, verbal condescension from her poor excuse of a husband. Gabe has a good heart and it shows. He makes this show more bearable. They need to conclude the series with the whole family committing themselves and doing the whole world a favor and serving at least some justice. Thanks for everything Ryan, please keep the good stuff comin!

  13. I’m running out of steam wqhen it comes to the Brownclowns.
    Sweet Jesus! Bear built a fire of twigs! Awesome! The girls ate some grass. Awesome. Ami, as usual, didn’t do a Goddamned thing.Awesome! Billy hurt himself again! Awesome!
    Noah, who is becoming morbidly obese, did some Mr, Wizard
    stuff, badly. Awesome!
    I did learn that if you put bits of food out for birds, the birds eat the food bits. Now I expect the mentally challenged Noah to invent an awesome bird feeder.
    I also noticed, in a scene with the fake ‘pulling the slime shack into place’
    that the camera revealed an ATV hitch and a line attached to the slime shack. As fpor the new found new rope – about a mile of it – and the red flag/white flag signals, a boat, unlike a car, does not stop on the dime. But it didn’t matter, because the line was slack when Billy was pretending to move the slime shack.
    Finally, Discovery,lost scenes, by definition, are lost, and you couldn’t show them.
    Ryan, keep the faith! I expect Discovery to offer up this leftover feces for the rest of the summer, dadgum it!

Comments are closed.

About Ryan Berenz 1971 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.