Dearly beloved Preacher fans, welcome to my recap. Last week we received some stuff for which we should give thanks. Eugene’s still in Hell, but it’s not completely impossible to retrieve him. Cassidy is still alive, though the Brewski thing was completely out of line. Odin has given Jesse one more week before he bulldozes the church. Jesse still has Genesis, but he thinks he might have a handle on how to make it behave. And God is coming! Things are looking up, right? I guess we’ll find out …
I’ve been wondering about The Cowboy. It’s been a while since we’ve seen him, and his story hasn’t quite connected with Jesse’s yet. Well, he’s returned to Ratwater for some unfinished business.
We open with the saloon where everything went to hell a few episodes back. I’m dying to see what happens. Between episodes, I constantly wrack my brain trying to figure sh-t out. I have purposely kept my nose out of the comics to ensure complete objectivity while watching the series. Additionally, I enjoy wracking my brain. Anyway, I’ve been waiting patiently for some good revenge on the part of The Cowboy. His misfortune’s really stuck in my craw.
The Cowboy shows up while the school children are doing their times tables. A boy, not into times tables (understood) stares through a window. The Cowboy’s shadow passes, and the boy is soon to receive an unexpected “half-day.”
The Cowboy enters the saloon. An Asian man – maybe a Chinese railroader based on the time period and the placement – is singing to a captivated crowd. What are all of these people, sh-tty preacher included, doing in a drinking establishment during the school day? Doesn’t anyone in Ratwater have a damn job other than whore, barkeep, apothecary, or school teacher? And why am I so pissed off? Oh, yeah – because I should be. Ratwater’s full of asshats, but The Cowboy is about to bring everything to a screeching halt.
The singing stops, and the preacher introduces the Confederate Cowboy – a killer of many men – “the butcher of Gettysburg.” The dirty preacher wants The Cowboy to profess his love for Jesus in front of the whole “Christian” crowd. He won’t. He loved his horse, his wife and his daughter, but Jesus and the rest can go straight to Hell. He unfurls an American flag full of severed heads and unleashes his wrath upon every “soul” in the place. The preacher is first to go. The Asian man is last because The Cowboy insists he “finish the song.” Revenge is a dish best served with background music.
When it’s over, The Cowboy pours himself a shot. Bottles rattle, horses whinny, and the wind whips. A big storm is coming.
Back in the present, Jesse and Sheriff Root go over things. Jesse insists he sent Eugene to hell, but Root can’t wrap his brain around this in the literal sense, so he assumes Eugene’s dead. He tells Jesse all about how child-killers are treated at Huntsville Penitentiary, which is where Jesse’s headed (not). The whole time Root yaps, Jesse’s completely distracted. He apologizes, says he’ll see the sheriff in church on Sunday, and then bails from the back of the squad.
Root stops, but Jesse’s gone, and even Root is smart enough to not go looking. He’ll have to wait until Sunday.
Fiore and DeBlanc need a vacation. They’ve been through a ton of shite over the past few weeks. They shuffle through the rain like jilted lovers in a bad music video from 1986. Then they find a travel agent open at an incredibly odd hour.
Why do I love this show? Because it’s completely freakish and random, which makes it more real than reality TV. Take that Big Brother.
They go inside and listen to the travel agent’s spiel. She’s got all kinds of deals, but none of them are as far south as our two angels want to travel. Before long, DeBlanc gets blunt. How much is it going to cost for two friggen tickets to Hell? I had no idea a trip to Hell could be obtained through a travel agency! Fantastic!
She covers her parrot (weird), and they get down to business. Their papers? None – that’ll be extra. Departure date? Immediate. Names? DeBlanc and Fiore – no problems there. Occupations? DeBlanc’s a serial killer and Fiore’s an architect. An architect?
The misinformation is entered, and it’s time to pay. Fiore and DeBlanc throw down their wallets. It’s not quite enough, but twenty minutes in the back with Fiore will do it. He gets up, ready to go. DeBlanc stops him. She threatens to report them. He threatens to report her. Fiore looks a little disappointed. She prints up their tickets and off they go.
Back at Uncle Walter’s Wild Kingdom, Tulip looks pensive. She’s waiting for Emily, and when she hears the knock, she opens the door and unloads. Cassidy’s a vampire. He’s not healing no matter how many shelter pets he eats. She can’t Cassidy-sit anymore because Carlos needs killing … and she’s done with Jesse. Can you deal Emily??? Amazingly, she can. I think the idea of sharing popcorn at the movies while Jesse plays with her boobies seals it. Tulip leaves. Emily picks out a guinea pig and waits for Cassidy to wake up.
Under a bridge, Jesse shares pancakes and merlot with some of his less fortunate parishioners. Homeless they may be, but they’ve got a griddle and a way to remove handcuffs. Jesse’s thankful. He’s got a lot to do before God shows up on Sunday! I can’t wait for next week. God? Really?
Cassidy wakes up and Emily’s prepared. The guinea pig is making those cute little guinea pig noises. I had one when I was a kid. I’m seriously allergic, but I love all animals and do not condone feeding them to sexy Irish vampires. Like I said last week, throw Mayor Miles in there. Cassidy’s not into killing humans, but Miles doesn’t really fit into that category anyway.
Just as she’s about to sacrifice the innocent squeaker, her phone rings. It’s Miles, and boy, is he an ass! He tells her a real sleep-over is happening whether she likes it or not. She doesn’t like it. The guinea pig is still sacrificed, but it will be the last innocent animal on her watch.
Fiore and DeBlanc reluctantly pack. Fiore kindly leaves the radio on for the limbless seraph in the bathtub. Their scheduled trip has them both frazzled. DeBlanc says they should forget it, go back to Heaven, and beg like crazy for forgiveness. Fiore disagrees. He can’t stand the idea of an eternal time-out from his friend. Coin toss! The first flip is Hell, of course. Double or nothing! The second is Heaven. Thank God! Wait … that’s not how the game is played. No matter. The God phone is gone, so Hell it is.
Now, who on Earth would snatch a God phone that can only be dialed by angel hands?
A lovely scene from Psycho about being trapped in our own sh-t by our own complacency awakens something in Emily. As she sits stroking Cassidy’s next snack, she becomes inspired by Norman Bates’ discussion with the ill-fated Marion Crane. Cassidy calls for food. Emily gently places the bunny on an ottoman and does something brilliant.
Miles is in Odin’s office when his phone rings. He’s watching a lame wrestling match betwixt employees. This is why Q.M.&P. isn’t bringing in enough revenue for the town! Everyone is busy doing nothing! Odin is standing on his desk – why does he always have to stand on something? He’s sipping a drink and enjoying the show. Forget God, Jesse! Call Satan. I’m annoyed, and Odin’s three-ring sh-t show is getting old.
Oh yeah! The phone call! It’s Emily. She sounds desperate. Miles needs to rescue her at Walter O’Hare’s. It’s dire! Her life is at stake. Miles takes the bait.
My wish from last week is going to come true! Yay!
Miles walks into Walter’s and calls out to Emily. She doesn’t respond. He makes his way to the back room, opens the door and sees the mess Cassidy’s made. He’s shocked, but it’s nothing compared to what he’s about to be. He turns just in time to see Emily slam the door and lock it. There will be no sleep-overs … ever. He screams bloody-murder. Emily looks a little queasy, but not remorseful. Bravo!
Fiore and DeBlanc have checked out, so housekeeping finally gets in to see the mess they’ve made. Sheriff Root is immediately called. When he arrives, he walks into what I’m sure is the biggest gore-fest of his career. The look on his face is priceless. He finds the seraph in the tub. She’s down a few limbs, but still alive, which was the point.
He tries to soothe her. Everything will be fine. The ambulance is on its way. The seraph begs him to kill her. At first, he’s appalled by the idea, but as she continues to ask, he mulls it over and chokes her out. Even though he seems a little too into it, I’m sure he sees it as a mercy killing. He figures he’s helping her – and he is! With a flash of light in the next room, she’s good as new and off to find Fiore and DeBlanc. Dammit, Root!
I do feel a little sorry for him. He’s got enough on his plate without this hanging over his head, and he doesn’t know what we know. Now he’s going to be even more nuts. Great.
Fiore and DeBlanc catch the Distant Vistas shuttle to Hell. They must leave their “baggage” behind … no carry-ons allowed. This saddens Fiore because his comics are in the trunk. With heavy hearts and no stuff, our disobedient angels head south.
Jesse finds Emily “releasing” the remaining domesticated pets in Walter’s backyard. I suppose not everyone knows that guinea pigs and hamsters kind of like living in cages. I don’t think they go feral after a few days in the wild, but if they do, I’d love to hear about it! Anyway, she has to pick up her kids, but Tulip’s in Albuquerque and Cassidy’s in the house.
Jesse finds Cassidy in the back room. He also finds a lot of carcasses, including the Mayor’s. It’s pretty disgusting in there. Cassidy, crouched in a corner, tells Jesse to get out. Jesse doesn’t, so Cassidy gets in his face. Whoa! I’d be pissed off, too! Cassidy looks like shite – a bit like Jeff Goldblum in the fourth stage of Brundlefly. I really hope it wears off. No Bueno!
Cassidy’s anger quickly fades, and Jesse apologizes for being slow with the extinguisher. Cassidy lets him off the hook – at least he actually used it. They’re still mates, but there’s not much time for sentimentalities. They’ve got quite a mess to clean up.
Odin and Donnie discuss Jesse. Seems Donnie’s hearing is coming back. Odin says Jesse “absconded” but is certain he’ll be in church on Sunday to welcome God, who will be a no show. Odin is confident. Sunday will come, God won’t, Jesse will have to denounce Him and then go off to jail where he belongs. Afterward, the bulldozing will commence.
While Jesse’s in the other room, Cassidy messes with the God phone. “The bloody thing doesn’t even turn on!” Aw, hell! That’s right! Jesse was so preoccupied with his big promises, he forgot about the angel hands thing when he stole the phone. Dummy. Thank goodness Cassidy knows where to find a bunch of those.
Jesse steps out to make a call on a phone that works. He leaves Tulip a very long and heartfelt message. The bottom line – for him, it’s just her “until the end of the world.” Poor Emily.
In Albuquerque, Tulip has Carlos bound and gagged. An impressive mélange of torture stuff graces the coffee table. She goes with a meat cleaver first. Excellent selection!
We don’t get to see her use it, however. I suppose that might be a little much even for Preacher. Instead, we revisit The Cowboy’s story. All of it. Over and over again. And it’s necessary because the connection is about to be made.
A door opens. Fiore and DeBlanc walk down a long hallway and enter the saloon. They step over the bodies massacred by The Cowboy and approach the bar. The Cowboy is still there doing shots. He pulls his pistols. Welcome to Hell.
DeBlanc offers him freedom. There’s a job. When The Cowboy asks for specifics, DeBlanc doesn’t provide them quickly enough, so he gets his head blown off. Hey! Does the reinvigoration thing work in Hell? Having learned from DeBlanc’s error, Fiore expediently spills the details. The Cowboy needs to kill a preacher. Crash, boom, bang! Something is happening, and it’s not a storm. The dead Indians in the tree flap violently in the wind.
Back on Earth, under that same tree, Cassidy and Jesse kill two birds with one stone. They dig up Cassidy’s box of angel parts – hands aplenty – and then toss in the carcasses from Walter’s before refilling the hole. Efficient! And Cassidy is looking a bit better. The night air? Very well, then!
I’ll see you and God next week!
In the meantime, I have questions! Sound off in the comments, and follow me on Twitter @KimberlyThies1
- So, I got a Poltergeist vibe from the whole saloon fiasco. Storm my arse! Anyone with me?
- Are you as happy as I am that Cassidy ate Miles instead of the bunny?
- Have we seen the last of DeBlanc?
- Who will get to Annville first – God or The Cowboy?
- Will angel hands work on the God phone if they aren’t actually attached to angels?