Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People Recap: “Back in Browntown”

ABP #FreeMatt

In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People Season 4 finale “Back in Browntown” (July 15), the family finally returns to Browntown to reclaim the bush, but the Browns struggle with the principles that make them a Wolfpack.

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

We have reached the Season 4 finale of Alaskan Bush People. Say it with me: WOOOOOO-FREAKIN’-HOOOOO!

Last week’s episode was bad, the worst I can remember. So how would they try to top that for the finale? Well, they put together an episode that wasn’t so much bad as it was pointless. More accurately, it was Bush Pointless.

The Browns are in Pelican delivering the fire-practice rescue dummies and some other junk. Gabe and Bear deliver Rescue Randy and his homemade counterpart Mandy, who is a crude hodgepodge of burlap, duct tape and plastic bags full of sand. “But it’s better than nothing,” says Gabe. I’m not really sure about that, Gabearino. I think the Pelican Fire Department would be better off without you burdening them with your garbage. As expected, Mandy completely falls apart while Bear is carrying her.

Bam, who missed house arrest so much that he spent most of last episode below deck crying in the fetal position, has resumed his spot as the Wolfpack’s alpha dog. With Matt in the Bush Betty Ford Clinic, there’s no one to challenge Bam’s shrewd reasoning with their sheer stupidity. Bam, Noah and Bear are going to deliver some tractor tires, which should be a quick, simple job that they’ll no doubt find some way to horribly botch. “Everybody just needs to move coherently, all together work as a team,” Bam says. Perhaps Bam means “move cohesively.” The Browns aren’t exactly wordsmiths. Remember the time Ami said bears “ravished” their house?

Tractor Lady is very smiley and happy to have new tractor tires and the opportunity to be on TV. She also wants to know if the boys can install the tires. Tractor Lady has never seen the show, or she’d know better than to let the Brown boys anywhere near her tractor. More likely, someone with some skill did everything and it was edited to look like the Browns did it. I was not aware of this, but tractor tires can be filled with liquid ballast to give the tires weight and to adjust the tractor’s center of gravity if needed. So I learned something. YAY! They need to get the tires off the rims, and Bam starts gutting a tire like a fish and all this brackish fluid comes spilling out. Noah protests, saying that slashing the tires Jason Voorhees-style is going to make them more difficult to get off the rims. “That’s the problem. When I talk, no one listens,” Noah says. “Sometimes it seems like if all my brothers just kind of listened to me more, then the world would be a much easier and better place.” Yes, he said that. At least half of Noah’s body weight is ego.

Noah knows a trick he saw on the internet about mounting tires on rims by spraying flammable stuff around the rim and then setting it on fire. The resulting explosion stretches out the tire and it snaps back seated on the rim. Since I didn’t see a don’t-try-this-at-home disclaimer on the show, tonight I am totally getting a case of Milwaukee’s Best, deflating all my tires and then just going nuts on them with a can of starter fluid and some leftover fireworks. Here’s how NOT to do it:

But the Browns finish the job without burning off all their facial hair, Tractor Lady gets nice new tires installed and we’re treated to some ‘splosions in the process. Everyone’s a winner! Except Noah. Screw that loser.

Elsewhere in Pelican, we get to see the Blessing of the Fleet ceremony, in which a priest blesses the boats and prays for protection “from the dangers of wind and rain and of the perils of the deep.” I realize here that for all the Browns’ talk about faith, this is the closest we’ve ever seen them to doing something faith-based. I’d suggest the Browns have the priest sprinkle the Integrity with holy water, but the boat would probably burst into flames.

Rainy is getting, like, all teen angsty and junk about Matt being away from the family. “My only constant in my entire life is y’all,” Rainy says. “And that constant thing is kind of thrown out of whack now. It makes me question my entire world.” Rainy should take comfort in the fact that she has four other brothers who are just as weird as Matt. Birdy and Rainy howl out over the bay, thinking maybe Matt will hear it through Bush Telepathy or something. I bet they do it because they know how much I hate it. Do I hear Rainy’s Apple Watch beeping? Must be an iMessage from Matt.

Haven’t we had enough Noah already? We got rid of Matt (that’s good) but now they’re filling Matt’s screen time with more Noah (that’s bad). We get to see Noah and Gabe visiting a dump. (I’m convinced 70 percent of Alaska is dumps and junkyards.) Noah finds a scrapped phone booth, and is thrilled with the possibilities. “It’s extremely cool that I found a phone booth in Pelican. There’s no telling what I can do with this thing,” Noah says. I have a few ideas. Perhaps a dressing room for Bush Superman? A Bush TARDIS? Maybe a fun game in which they try to cram the whole family into it? Noah gets inside the phone booth and Gabe starts rocking it. Noah comes out huffing, “Glass and aluminum!” Gabe responds with, “Galuminum?” then gets slapped upside the head. This is where I pause the DVR, sit back and daydream that Gabe dislocates both of Noah’s shoulders. Ahh. That was nice. Noah doesn’t mind the ridicule, because “it means that they put their foot further into their mouth when I show them how it works.” We’re given a dull extended scene of the kids loading the phone booth onto the boat. Bear decides it’s a good idea to stand on the phone booth, and Noah chastises him. “Keep whatever EXXXXTREMEness you have away from it!”

After an uneventful journey, the Integrity returns to Chicago Bears Island. “The Browns are back in Browntown. And the Browns are here to stay. It’s just that simple,” Billy says. Now pack your stuff, kids! The Browns are going to Hawaii!

Bears are all over the place again, but “cutting off all access to their home” by literally sawing off the stairs managed to keep ursine invaders out of the house. Let’s hope that a bear used the zipline and is upstairs asleep in Billy’s bed like a Bizarro Goldilocks. Gabe, Bear and Bam reinstall the stairs, and Gabe doesn’t want to do it with the same pride in workmanship he displayed while chainsawing them off. “We’re not going to just prop it up there and hope it stays. We’re not cartoons,” says Bam Bam, the guy named after a Flintstones character. After securing the stairs with nails, Bear and Gabe test them by jumping on them, damn near breaking them in the process. But it’s all good. Whatever. Let’s go play with our bucking barrel!

I can only handle one Rainy/Birdy scene per episode, but they’re going to force another one on us. In this week’s Eating Weeds With Rainy & Birdy, they’re out scouting for bears and munching on some chocolate lily plants, which do not taste as good as their name implies. “Yeah, I feel like I’m just eating dirt,” Rainy says.

Because the scene about loading the phone booth onto the Integrity wasn’t dull enough, we now get to watch them unload the phone booth. The scene is saved by Cupcake, who goes EXXXXTREME and doggy paddles from the shore out to the Integrity. Now why can’t they give us more Cupcake and less Noah?

What grand plan does Noah have for the phone booth? He wants to turn it into a power station for all of Brownton Abbey. He installs a circuit breaker box in it where he can control the distribution of electricity, especially “because I run a lot more electricity, and sometimes my experiments get, uh, out of hand.” Noah is making a bold move here by consolidating the electrical power. He already controls the water supply with his Bush Plumbing. He could impose his will on the rest of the family by rationing or cutting off their utilities. Fortunately for them, the family doesn’t live there and Noah’s stuff doesn’t work.

The family is ready to do “the last major project of the summer,” even though this scene takes place in mid May. Gabe’s biohazard shack is still sitting out there getting exposed to the ebb and flow of the tides, and Billy wants to reel it in so Gabe can start pretending to live in it. We’re told that the shack weighs nearly 7 tons. A few episodes ago, the shack weighed 7,000 pounds. This shack DOUBLED IN MASS? So that’s where Noah has been storing his excess sense of self-importance.

The shack-moving scene is terribly boring. After realizing they can’t manually pull the shack, they decide to hook a rope and pulley up to the Integrity and use it to drag the shack across the beach. We don’t get to see the full setup because the shack is probably being towed by an offscreen truck or ATV. Their plan works, and Billy praises his boat, “The old girl’s pulling. She’s tough!” And then the engine grinds to a stop. DADGUMIT! Sigh. The inevitable Boat Malfunction. Then the boat starts drifting near a reef, and the Boat Malfunction gets parlayed with Fake Urgency. Billy discovers that a wingnut on the battery is loose. I think there are nine loose wingnuts on this show. HEY-YO! “Ninety-nine percent of the time, it’s just something small,” Billy says. And 100 percent of the time, it’s complete bullshit. I miss the days when Billy really wrecked his boats. The Integrity fires back up and almost pulls the shack into the trees. But Gabe says the spot is perfect, because Gabe has clearly stopped caring about things.

Flash forward to a month later, and it’s time for Matt to come back to Brownton Abbey clean and sober. “I miss his harebrained ideas he comes up with that are really cool in the long run,” Ami says.

Bam went to pick up Matt from the ferry stop in Hoonah, but Bam comes back without his passenger. Hey, what gives, B? “He just didn’t get off the ferry when he was supposed to,” Bam tells his dumbfounded and disappointed parents. Matt left no message or note with the harbormaster. They should probably just check their iPhones.

Now we get the usual season-ending spiel from Billy about how their faith and family togetherness helped them overcome all these fake obstacles. “We basically faced life and death, confinement,” he says. “We faced all of these things and triumphed,” though their only real triumph was a 0.7 rating in the 18-49 demo. And the season ends thusly:

ABPMattRehab

Enjoy your counseling, Matt!

The Browns’ behind-the-scenes drama continues to be far more compelling than anything on their TV show, so as a public service, here are the latest Bush Days of Our Lives developments:

MeMaw’s Trip to Alaska was a circus. Ami’s brother, Les Branson, revealed himself to be untrustworthy to members of a closed Facebook group that previously supported him, and Les got booted from the group. Less Les is more, I guess. (Disclosure: I’m also a card-carrying member of that group.)

But Les is selling his snake oil to other rubes on Facebook, and there are reports that the Browns went to Texas, and were apparently only 30 miles from where MeMaw lives. Was there a reunion? And will any of this MeMaw stuff or their trip to Hawaii ever be shown on a future episode of ABP?

Finally, the Les Branson Facebook Fiasco did yield an interesting tidbit from the formerly secret Alaskan Bush People VIP group of which Les and Twila were both members. Kenny from the Junkyard is on Facebook!

ABPKennyFacebook

Thanks to you guys for powering through another season with me!

 

 

57 Comments

  1. Your reviews of this show are so dead on…pun intended…and hysterical! I’m going to keep watching this show just to enjoy your writing!!!!

  2. Why can’t you people just watch the show and take it for what it is. A COMEDY

    • I do… It’s fun to watch for the comedy value – and these posts are fun to read.

      I have two problems: 1. Discovery promotes it as something it’s not. “Recently discovered family living in the wild!” Sounds like they found a primitive tribe in the Philippines.

      2. If it’s at all real, it’s tragic. 5 grown men and two girls that never left home, never had an education, no dates or real friends. Skills that include climbing trees, smearing their bodies with mud and probably bear feces, and making startling discoveries like, if your pour water over moss it conducts electricity! Thomas Edison, move over!

      Anyway, I enjoy the program, and my wife actually loves the Brown family (!)

  3. I’ve seen that tire mounting trick on Myth Busters & that Hacks show. The thing is you still have to get the tire on the rim. That’s the most important thing to do, and that scene is left out.

    • I have seen that tire mounting trick in my neighbor’s backyard. I heard what sounded like a small explosion, so I popped over to see if the family was still alive. I stayed to watch them put the next tire on. I didn’t see too much as I am a chicken *#/* and took cover. It worked!

  4. Thanks for another great season of recaps. I’ve been keeping up with “y’all” for a couple seasons now. I don’t say much but really enjoy the commenting group as well. I always wait to read what faux paus to look for before watching the show, and thats the only thing that makes it entertaining at all. If not for this blog, I’ve no doubt I’d never consider watching the show.So thank you Ryan and your ever funny tribe ! See you next season.

  5. Ryan…..Thanks for all the very entertaining re-caps. As stated many times herein, much better than the show. I really enjoy reading the comments from this sharp group of ” Haters”. I think we’re all in for more chances to poke fun at thie Brown clowns. There’s no way Discovery is going to put this cash cow out to pasture!

  6. Thank you Ryan Berenz for another season of pure poetry. The bear on the zipline had me laughing so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. It was especially humorous to me bc I can actually see Billy and Ami going upstairs, discovering the bear in the bed and then Billy throwing Ami between himself and the bear. I honestly had faith that we would all be able to witness the demise of the Integrity this season but, maybe next season. I’m not going to get maudlin but I’m sure as hell going to miss all you cats between now and next season. May I propose a name-change for this show for next season: “Alaskan Bullshit People”, it honestly depicts the show and characters much more accurately than the current title. Rest up this off-season Ryan, I have a good feeling that the height of the Brown family bullshit is yet to come.

  7. Thanks for another great recap, Mr. Berenz. More happens in the recap than on the show! Seinfeld successfully did a “show about nothing”, but of course with real actors! I shouldn’t have such high expectations of this group of uneducated, socially inept, under-achievers. I have had to settle for the small things, like Bear’s outfit. Where the hell does he shop? And does Noah think he’s Tom Jones or what? His shirt was unbuttoned to his belt buckle in one scene. No one needs to see that. I barely notice Birdbrain’s fang any longer, and I have almost grown fond of “Gabearino”. He seems honestly simple. Unfortunately, Billy and Ami make me want to vomit. I can’t even listen to them talk…it reminds me of when adults talk on a Charlie Brown cartoon. Will Matt return? I vote No!

        • I have to give credit to someone in the Alaskan Bush People Exposed Facebook group for that find. They have an eye for that stuff. They also pointed out one of Ami’s fax furs as being endorsed by Oprah or something. Hey, but if you ever need to know anything about the history of canned halibut, I’m your man.

      • Almost $300.00 for those boots? Well, I suppose “rugged” footwear is in order for those living in the bush. This is a far cry from their cries of poverty in the first couple of seasons. Good for him! Nice to see they’re putting their “earnings” to good, responsible use!

  8. Great recap Ryan and great catch on the weight of Gabe’s shack doubling since it’s first appearance. I was wondering if anyone else caught that. Maybe by the first show of the next season it will have sunk into the ground, hopefully with Noah in it, considering how quickly it doubles it’s own weight. I think they need to drop those “wingnuts” and give Cupcake his own show. He’s the only one in that crew with any brains!

      • Things weigh more or less depending on the gravitational field. So when Noah’s massive ego (and gut) are near things weigh more!

  9. #FreeRyanBerenz would be more apropos for having to put up with this nonsense known as ABP.

  10. Ha ha. I love your commentaries for ABP. I found this site purely by accident and plan on going back and reading all of your past posts. Even tho I do enjoy the show, your thoughts and views definitely add to the experience. My son and I refer to ABP as the backwoods hillbilly comedy hour. Look forward to reading next season. Great work !

    • Thanks, Heidi! I’ve always said there’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying ABP at face value as entertainment, whether you’re laughing with the Browns or at them. Glad you can watch it with your son. And thanks for getting our sense of humor.

  11. Ryan, you did your best, working with an episode of the Brownclowns that was particularly weak.
    The girls howling on the beach after their scripted dialogue was just plain crazy. In season one, who howled?
    Moving the slimy shack was also silly. and fake. where did they suddenly acquire about a mile of new rope? at the dump? and who would be dumb enough to put the Lack of Integrity at risk by hauling the slime shack? How would they build their fake hauling business without that boat?
    thank you for your reviews. I’ve enjoyed them. The one serious thing in this episode was Billy telling Ami to watch for a reef, when they were pretending to move the slime shack. Ami responded to Billy’s request by saying she wasn’t sure what she was looking for. Billy’s nasty temper flared for about two seonds. He is an evil, controlling bastard. Check me on that scene.

    • Thanks, lakerman! Nope, there was no howling back then. That was manufactured later. I’ll trust you on Billy’s hot-temperedness in that scene. Hard to believe that he’d truly be angry. The boat’s never in any real danger.

    • Yup! I noticed how nasty his expression got towards Ami & although I haven’t a bit of use for any of them, I found myself wanting to slap the mustache right off his face!

    • I saw the “eat s@#t and die you son of a bitch” look she shot back at him! Trouble in Bush Camelot?

      @CT_Homesteader would you really want to touch that nappy mustache?

      • …well, since you put it that way John…absolutely NOT! Maybe clocking him with a large tree limb (“a tree falls on us, we’ll make firewood” BillyBullshitBrown) would do the trick, though!

        • Honestly I secretly wouldn’t mind donning 2 or 3 pairs of latex gloves and yanking that thing off his face. Ugh I hate that monstrosity! How would you like to have been a passenger sitting by them on that 6+ hour flight to Hawaii?

  12. I was flipping channels the other day and happened to go by Discovery while ABP was showing. The mere hearing the voice of Billy almost sent me into anaphylactic shock after about 3 seconds. If it would have stayed on the TV any longer I know I was risking seizures. Wow, talk about done forever with this show.
    Good recap Ryan. High five for making it through this season and keeping me entertained.

      • I love the recaps and banter on the comments. The show… not so much.
        Like many people I am a bit conflicted. If the show is cancelled it is like all is right with the world again. If it is continues I will wonder about the sanity of the world watching this but will get to read the recaps and check in with everybody. As with everything ABP, there are no real winners.

  13. This is the most pathetic review I’ve ever read. I sincerely hope you didn’t actually take money for writing this drivel but if you did, you really should give it back and find a different job. And for the rest of you that posted all the stupid comments, do you really have nothing better to do with your time than watch a show you don’t like? How sad for you. Or do you watch it just to pick it, and them, to pieces and be the Grammer Police? You must live a sad existence. Alaskan Bush People aren’t the losers here… you all and the idiot reviewer are.

    • Wow, you misspelled grammar. Seriously, you misspelled grammar? I thought ABP fans had IQ’s no higher than 60. I obviously shot too high. I never bother to even respond to ABP super fan trolls, but come on, misspelling grammar. I am only human. Also I didn’t think there was more than a few people left that actually bought this turd sandwich as reality.
      You are right on one point though, Alaskan Bush People aren’t the losers here. They are making money off this horse @#$%. The losers are the people that think they are just peachy and this is real even after they and their lawyer admitted in court while they were pleading guilty to stealing $13,000 from Alaskans, that this whole show is a bunch of made up BS and they don’t even live in Alaska let alone the bush. At least the people on this site are having fun laughing at how stupid this whole thing is and pointing out the one million editing errors.
      It is borderline hilarious that in your opinion if you say something negative about possibly the worst show to ever air on television (when taking into account their illegal activity and all the lies this whole show is based on) you have a sad existence. But if you say positive things about this crap fest, then you are just swell. Now why don’t you take your “Grammer Police” and go repeat the 3rd grade.
      Also if you happen to see your beloved ABP in their home state of Texas tell them they are welcome to come on up to Alaska and spend a winter with me working and living in minus 40 below zero. Your fake Alaskan sissy boys will get on the first airplane home to Texas within two days crying how harsh and cold Alaska is and want their mommy back in Texas.
      Wow, I haven’t gotten to skewer an actually ABP troll in forever.

      • Very well put, David! As far as the boys running back to mommy in Texas because of the cold, don’t forget…they’d also run from the chores! It amazes me, as well, that with all the negative publicity, there are still people out there who believe in these grifters. Let one of these “believers” be on the receiving end of any of their scams, and I bet we’d never hear the end of them complaining about being taken!

    • Chris, why the anger? Calm down, little fellow. Perhaps Birdbrain and Summerfallwinterspring Rain will comfort you like they comfort their brothers.

      • Don’t forget she has Merry Christmas somewhere in that name. Seriously…I’m not kidding.

        • Merry Christmas Catherine Raindrop Brown…Good Lord…! Reminds me of Papa Pilgrim’s oldest daughter’s name…”Butterfly Sunstar”…

  14. Im glad to see that seen all the bloopers also this show was so bad.glad to see this chat site cant stand the 9 retards also. Does anyone see that they never eat a meal except weeds and that rack of ribs matt cooked on that painted steel grate. Also all the tire tracks on the beach.

  15. “I think there are nine loose wingnuts on this show. HEY-YO!” Ooooh, BURN!” 😉 The part with Mr. Cupcake was definitely my favorite, He’s all “I do what I want.” And I perked up from my ABP-induced slump to cheer on Cupcake. Thanks for your reviews, they’re what keeps me watching!

  16. I am giving this episode of nothing a big MEH.

    Considering the current condition of Gabe’s supposed new residence, the fact that it will now have tree branches poking thru into the interior on one side seems inconsequential. Further, the fact that it obviously landed outside of Browntown “proper” (if there is such a thing) makes the whole repositioning of the alleged structure laughable.

    Yes, and let’s return to the stairs which were hacked off to “prevent” bear incursions. As Ryan pointed out, when two of the guys jumped onto the top step you could clearly see it loosening up where one of the nails was placed. “Safety first” is definitely not in the Bush Vocabulary. And, wasn’t it amazing that with the simple removal of those steps before they went to Juneau that the bears did not disturb anything in Browntown. Contrast this family return with the last one when the entire Browntown area was supposedly turned to trash by marauding bears. Now, with this great discovery that simple removal of one’s front steps will prevent bear visitations on all parts of one’s property, all people living in bear country will surely take note and remove their front steps every time they leave their homes.

    Did anyone else note the non-existent greenhouse?

    • Hi 48,
      I did see the greenhouse in a couple aerial scenes on the beach, but there was a scene where the girls are planting on the beach some small plants and the greenhouse was behind them……why the heck are they not planting in the greenhouse that Matt built with all that plastic wrap.

      Also about thise dayammmm stairs…right before the reattach the steps and they are standing there, the deck of the cabin is what looks to be 4′ tall judging from seeing Bam and Bear standing in front of it. We all know bears can’t climb a 4′ deck.

  17. I had a great time picking out continuity goofs during the shack moving scene. Not think you can call them errors or bloopers when the show’s editors don’t worry about them anymore. Certainly were a lot of 4 wheeler tracks on the beach, and the vehicles actually snuck into a couple long shots. Anybody notice that after they stretcher out the ropes they realized they were headed into a ditch, so they moved the dock/barge and shack to the other side of the trebuchet and magically reappearing barrel barge?

    Ah ‘Nother season done.

  18. The Tigers Royals game had pitching changes so I got to flip over and catch more then usual. I really don’t know how you do it. Your recap really makes something out of nothing with humor. The first flip I thought what the hell a out doors exorcism. The pitching change was gabe and noah going to the dump. Now this was a part I was glad I witnessed. That noah was genuinely mad and upset when gabe got done rocking him had me laughing-this before your recap impossible! I think they are trying to put you out of business? Then the Tigers won with Martinez hitting a 2 run infield hit with the bases loaded. That’s what the Royals get for that shift they put on him. What a enjoyable evening. Thank you and thanks to your employer doesn’t seem they put reins on you and hold you back.

    • Thanks, Henry! Yeah, I’m pretty lucky that I get to write what I want to about ABP, within reason. Our most successful recaps are for the really bad shows that we can snark on. So we just do our thing, and if the people like it, we wash, rinse and repeat.

  19. Thank God Billy survived his “brush with death” as the Narrator called it!

    But I’m not sure which brush with death he meant. Was it:

    #1. Surviving 30 days in a motel, eating pizza and watching TV?

    #2. The trauma of having to “Go to a doctor’s appointment,” only to discover that the seizures were caused by W.A.S. (Work Avoidance Syndrome). ?

    (I also had a “Phonebooth as TARDIS” joke, but Ryan beat me to it)

  20. Excellent recap, Ryan! Waaay better than the season finale! I too, daydreamed about Gabe kicking the living crap out of No-ah after that fop upside the head. No-ah’s self importance and arrogance is maddening. Birdy, at one point, while talking to Ami, had the same constipated delivery in her speech as her “genius” moron brother No-ah. Someone, please get some roughage into these people’s diet…Fridays will not be the same now that we’ve completed another painfully redundant season of life in “The Bush”. As always, thank you for your recaps and thank you for having us along for the ride!

    • Ugh, Noah is such an arrogant jerk, can’t hardly stand his scenes! He’s only gotten worse and it’s seems there’s more air time of him. That would have been really satisfying if Gabe had socked him one.

Comments are closed.

About Ryan Berenz 2106 Articles
Some things I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife