Alaskan Bush People Recap: Judgement Day

In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People episode “Judgement Day” (June 24) the Brown family works on projects in preparation for Billy and Bam serving their jail sentences in Juneau.

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

Only 72 hours remain until Billy and Bam must report to Juneau for sentencing in their PFD fraud case. With so little time left, the Browns must focus on the most critical of concerns, such as Matt’s hair. This is where Rainy intervenes with Bush Cosmetology tips. She pulls out some bladderwrack plants and instructs Matt to squeeze the slime out of the bulbs and rub it into his hair, like a Bush Hair Gel. Bladderwrack is a kind of seaweed, with a name that sounds like something that happens to a person after drinking a sixer of Old Style. Its scientific name is Fucus vesiculosus, which makes me giggle. Bladderwrack has some medicinal properties, including a substance that acts as a laxative. So that’s one way of getting the crap out of Matt’s head, I s’pose.

Ah, yes. Just what we’ve always wanted: An EXXXXTREME Montage of Bear running around being EXXXXTREME, preparing his mind and body for hunting season. He covers himself in muck to hide his stench, runs through the forest, climbs trees and practices his fish punching techniques in the stream. At last, he has elevated himself to the plane of EXXXXTREMEness required to hunt grouse.

On the subject of grouse, Billy gets the family together to remind them all that he’s a Bush Martyr and they’d all be going to prison too if it weren’t for his sacrifice. And maybe Bam’s sacrifice, too. It’s not important. What IS important is that Billy heard the first goose of spring, and that honker means that it’s time to plant crops, hunt, fish, and all sorts of stuff that we’ve never seen Billy do. Billy says he’d like to spend his last few days before lockup in J-Town “working around here.” Of course, that means he’ll spend the last few days watching everyone else working around here. It’s Ami’s turn to read from the cue card, and she says that she wants a greenhouse. OK, then. Matty B. is on the greenhouse case.

Bear and Bam are preparing for the grouse hunt by doing a little target practice, using the trebuchet to launch milk jugs filled with what I presume is water. The Bush Skeet Shooting exercise doesn’t go very well. For a bunch of guys who claim to be lifelong hunters, they couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a banjo. Finally, Bear blasts one at suspiciously close range, and then they’ve run out of milk jugs.

Matt, Rainy, Birdy and one of Birdy’s stupid cats are building a greenhouse using the big water tanks they hauled back from Bruce of the Green Pants at Excursion Inlet. And, Good Lord, again with Matt’s plastic wrap fetish? Matt says he’s making a “bio-dome,” which the dumbest thing since Pauly Shore made Bio-Dome.

Yes, Matt’s first foray into plastic-wrap construction went so well that he thought it would be great to try for an even bigger failure. Matt sets up the tanks to act as the greenhouse’s main support structures, then he starts going to town on it with the plastic wrap to make the walls. “I have a mad love for plastic wrap. I see it as the medium of the future,” Matt says. Well, polyvinylidene chloride, a.k.a. Saran, was invented in 1933. I think plastic wrap’s time as the medium of the future came and went about 80 years ago. Matt’s maniacal laughter really grates on me. It’s excessive and forced. It’s become his catchphrase. It’s his version of Bear’s EXXXXTREME.

Bear is busy cleaning his guns for the grouse hunt when Billy comes in for a consultation. Billy’s worried about Bam’s temper, and if Bam starts instructing other inmates to respect the danger, “he can turn 30 days into six months.” Billy mostly wants Bear to take Bam out and show him a good time. So is this a grouse hunt or a bachelor party? Did they hire strippers?

Bear and Bam take the skiff to a place on the mainland called “Home Shore.” And … what the hell? Their skiff has its own mini skiff? Seriously, they brought along an inflatable raft thing to get from the skiff to the shore, because apparently this newfangled skiff is a snooty prick who doesn’t like to get his undersides scratched in the shallows. YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT THE BUSH WAY, NEW SKIFF! Bear is going to try to get Bam to loosen up and have some fun and put some silly camouflage paint on his face. Don’t do it, Bam! Once you start down the face-painting path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Bear asks Bam if he can remember when he last went hunting. “I was born hunting,” Bam says. “I was born with a knife in one hand and a gun in the other.” Oh, that must’ve hurt somethin’ fierce for Ami. Todd, the guy with the Suzuki Samurai that the Browns hauled away earlier this season, is letting Bam and Bear borrow his ATV for the grouse hunt. And we have yet another vehicle just sitting around that the Browns get to borrow.

Meanwhile, back at Brownton Abbey, Matt is busy stretching plastic wrap and our tolerance for B.S. to their very limits. There’s a big clear plastic tarp that Matt, Birdy and Rainy pull over the top for the greenhouse’s ceiling. Does this thing have a snowball’s chance of surviving the first rainstorm or even the slightest bit of wind? Matt puts the finishing touches on this mess, joining a bunch of plastic drinking straws together to make some kind of roof-drainage/irrigation system. Matt’s also rigged up tubes to bring water from the roof to fill up the tanks, which will provide additional irrigation. We’re only given a few quick close-up glimpses of this thing in action. Fortunately for Matt, it only has to work once for the cameras. Billy and Ami are just tickled to death with the greenhouse and all of the tomatoes and peppers it shall bring forth to be made into Bush Salsa. Realistically, the greenhouse will be destroyed before the first seeds even sprout. But I think Matt could use a little encouragement, since it sounds like he’s got some rough sailin’ ahead.

Let’s check on Noah, because why not? Noah is building a Bush Washing Machine that will be about as useful as his Bush Clothes Incinerator from last season. Noah has come down with Noah Brown Syndrome, and he has some tendonitis in his hand, so Gabe will assist Noah in completing the project. You know your life has gone off the rails when you’re stuck being Noah’s lackey. So what’s this big wooden platform thing they’re putting the Bush Washing Machine on? Is that the old Bush Shakespeare Theater Stage from a few seasons back, or is that new construction? If it’s new construction, what a waste.

Bear and Bam haul down the logging trails in the ATV to get to the prime grouse hunting grounds. Bear convinces Bam to put on three stripes of camouflage face paint. There’s no turning back now, Bam. I’m afraid this is the end…

Bam and Bear are getting skunked on the grouse hunt, which gives Bear plenty of time to share his wit and wisdom on grouse hunting. “Normally we don’t actually hunt many grouse because they’re so small, and we prefer to hunt the bigger predators [sic], y’know, ’cause when you’re hunting to actually feed your family, it’s better to go for the bigger prey,” Bear explains. Bear is also an expert on the mating rituals of grouse and the mispronunciation of “similar.” “Grouse have a very simular method that I use,” Bear says. “See, when grouse are looking for female grouse, they’ll climb up nice and high in a tree and start calling like howling to all the females around to let them know that they’re there. So it’s very simular to how I do, but most grouse are a little more successful.” Bam doesn’t really care about the difference between hunting the male and female of of the species. “I’m an equal opportunity killer,” he says, psyching himself up for doing some hard ankle-monitoring time. Bam and Bear don’t kill grouse of any sex, though. I guess I’m impressed that the producers didn’t show Bam and Bear with 20 dead grouse that were shot by one of the Skaflestads.

ABPBlackScreenLawyer

LOOK! It’s the Black Screen of Fake Doom! Except this Black Screen does not herald fake doom, but news of the possibility that Billy and Bam could serve their sentences with monitors instead of behind bars. But Brownton Abbey is too remote for home monitoring, so they’re still going to have to serve time in Juneau. [Sad Trombone!]

The Bush Washing Machine is near completion. Noah hooks up an electric motor to a bicycle chain that rotates a bunch of pipes that cause the “agitator” to pound the soaking, soapy clothes like a one-armed Bear punching a salmon. The whole thing works as poorly as blueprinted. I wonder if Noah put a rinse cycle on this thing. “Besides your occasional fumbles, you are the perfect Igor,” Noah says, damning Gabe with faint praise. “We’re one step closer to being Browntopia,” Noah boasts. I like to think of it as you’re one episode closer to cancellation.

Matt’s alone at his house eating canned dog food when Billy hobbles in. Billy’s concerned about Matt. “He’s just got a look in his eye like something’s bothering him,” Billy tells us. Billy says Matt’s been going into town a lot more and staying later. Matt says he has a lot on his mind and hasn’t been sleeping well. “Dad’s worrying about nothing,” Matt says. “It’s fine. I got this.” We know that Matt had some prior issues that involved alcohol and a demolition derby in a Walmart parking lot in Juneau. I think Matt was always so weird that people just assumed he was hopped up on goofballs. Rumors spread that Matt had entered a rehabilitation facility, which would be the next step in the natural progression of his reality TV “fame.” I don’t know where they plan on going with this story arc. I don’t know if Matt’s problem is real or it’s being played up for the cameras like everything else Matt does. All I know is that it’s not funny, and I hate stuff in this show that I can’t make fun of.

It has finally arrived. Judgement Day!

ABPJudgementDay

[DIGRESSION! I am not a fan of the superfluous “e” in “judgement,” but that’s how they titled this episode. I die a little inside every time I have to type it.]

Before the Brows leave for Juneau, they’ve got to rig up all the futile defenses against marauding bears. Matt sets up some tripwire around his house that is supposed to trigger a sad little flare gun. Noah rigs up his little police-light alarm system at the main house. And then they have Gabe take a chainsaw to cut off the stairs leading up to it. WHAT? Seriously? Even I think that’s a little EXXXXTREME. “If they can’t walk up the stairs, they can’t get in the house,” says Billy. And if the producers would stop leaving large quantities of raw meat in the house, the bears wouldn’t want to go in there in the first place.

The rest of the episode is just long, drawn-out sulking, sentimental nonsense and howling. Billy instructs everybody to remain exactly as they are until he gets back. “We’re the Browns. Just be the Browns. We’ll be fine,” he says.

Yep. They’ll be just fine.

There’s no new ABP next Friday because of Shark Week. Thank the Good Lord, because I need a break from this crap. If you’d like to check out recaps from the days of yore, here’s last year’s special ABP Shark Week recap.

41 Comments

  1. Interesting that the Browns have been seen in Hawaii right around the time when Ami’s mom was supposed to visit. Probably saves The Discovery Channel a lot of embarrassment when video they can’t control comes out on their You Tube channel or on Facebook. I wonder if Discovery Channel footed the bill for the Hawaii trip.

    • If you hate the show so much STOP WATCHING.. I love the family and the show. everything about it.. I cried when Matt came clean. to his brother. DON’T JUDGE. the family has been through more than anything your family will ever have to deal with. I love how Noah can do so much with Junk. they work and live hard.. if you cant say something nice about the Brown’s then dont watch.. Keep the show on. my family loves watching.

        • My thoughts exactly. Lol. I was wondering if you were going to look back to see if there were any new posts. Kook aid drinker no doubt?!

          • It’s editorial policy to reply with the dumpster fire to anyone who comments with “If you don’t like it, don’t watch it” or any variation thereof.

      • Hey Linda, this is a discussion group. We are just pointing out the obvious flaws/frauds demonstrated by this fake family and TV show. You state “This family’s been through more than anything your family will ever have to deal with”? Like what, besides the obvious of defrauding the State of Alaska, not being a resident of the State of Alaska, in Billy’s own words, and the list of fraud goes on. Is there something you can add that I or others may have missed? It’s a show and there is nothing real about this family. You cried when Matt came clean? Maybe Matt’s problems stem from the fact that he’s 33 years old and he’s realized for a long time that he has no future. None of the kids do because they are all controlled by Billy. Ami’s under Billy’s control too. Just recently, her 83 year old mothers dying wish was to travel to Alaska to see Ami after more than 35 years, but where was the family? Rumor has it Hawaii. What Billy says they must do. But Matt’s the first to show the adverse signs of being under the control of Billy. There’s no hope for Bear unless he can find a job as a side show attraction in a Alaskan circus. How many 28 year olds do you know crawl through mud or play in a tree house? Did you cry when Billy’s long lost daughter made a appearance after supposedly not seeing or hearing from her for 30 years, but we all know the family was in fact, in contact with her, prior to her coming to the BrownTown set, on land leased by Discovery/ParkSLOP? No doubt you cried when you heard Scammer Billy state “When he was asked politely to leave” he wondered through the desert at night carrying a music box that reminded him of her and when he found a safe place he would open it and play it.
        There are no more story lines for this train wreck of a show to follow except to exploit personal problems (Matt) and even worse, to exploit a death and play it out like it was a big surprise when Billy and Ami found out about it even though they already knew. You don’t see a problem with Discover/ParkSLOP exploiting personal tragedies to boost ratings and milk every possible cent out of this train wreck because they have no place else to go?
        You love how Noah,the self proclaimed Da Vinci of the bush, sorry, I had to laugh, can do so much with junk? Sorry, I laughed so hard that time I coughed up a lung. You said It JUNK. Is any of the junk he recreated useful for anything at all besides being junk that is useless? How come we never see any of the junk again after he “Invents” it? Did you notice how hard he works? He took a few pages from Billy’s book of laziness or A.K.A. Billy Brown Syndrome.

        Yeah, they sure do work and live hard. It’s got to be tough living in Icey Straight lodge in Hoonah, with room service and a minibar during off days from filming.

  2. Ugh, if only we could vote them off the island, like on Survivor, but then it would be pretty sparse, huh? Still your reviews crack me up, even with the obnoxious-ness of the show. I guess they all have some sort of syndrome. There’s also Bummed-out Bam Brown Syndrome. It’s less severe…I do wonder about Matt, that was the only thing that got me thinking.

  3. You see so much of the 2 girls new clothes and make-up and especially Rainey. Did they get theses from a thrift store? Why didn’t the guys get new clothes especially Noah and that coat of his??? For having no money they sue get a lot of stuff. Are they going to jail or not? The guys need to get a life, move out and move on with a really life with women in their lives???? Does Billy or Ami ever do any work? No one really, really lives like this.

  4. David, I had to look up “rattle cans” because I never head that term before—spray paint—got it. Is this a regional expression? I have lived in many parts of the U.S. and you are the first person I’ve run into (not literally) who used that phrase. But, I see it is out there on the internet so I may be in a minority of one here.

    • I don’t think you are in the minority at all. Seems like I have heard rattle cans mostly in the southeast part of the US. Spray paint is the normal expression. Rattle cans just has a really nice hillbilly ring to it to convey just how backyard it really is. Also I think the saying developed because if you say you are going to “spray” or “spray paint” something you could think somebody is using a spray gun to professionally do it the right way. Rattle can just leaves no doubt what you are doing.
      I wish I was teaching a lawyer some cool law term or phrase rather than the most hillbilly term I can think of, but I have to take what I can get I suppose.

      • While I’m 99.99% sure I will never use “rattle can” in any future legal endeavors (or anywhere else, for that matter), if I do, I will tell everyone I heard it from you first. 🙂

        • I’ve been building plastic models since the late 50s. I’ve had a airbrush since 1970. Belong to IPMS and help out with kids at the local hobby shop every Saturday come fall till early spring. That is the first time I’ve heard that term applied to a spray paint can.Maybe I’ve learned something new.

          • I can assure you that rattle can is a term for spray paint. I only used the term to make things seem pretty backwoods. I seem to have hit my mark nicely. Rattle can isn’t a term I normally use very often. I may be a little more redneck than I was hoping for as we discuss this. Course this coming from a guy who just spent a week sleeping in a 1985 conversion van in a garage.

  5. This episode was such a tear-jerker (not really…I’m being snarky). The howling on the dock as Billy & Bam were strolling into the sunset made me want to slap every one of them. Hard. Twice. As far as Noah goes…I just can’t…There are just no words…Bear smearing himself with whatever that sludge was wasn’t exxxxtreme…it was moronic. Instead of covering his scent (stench), maybe he should just try bathing once in a while. Matt is either a really, really good actor, or there’s something seriously bothering him. If, in fact, he’s addressing a substance abuse issue, good for him. Maybe his time in rehab will allow him to reflect on where his life ISN’T going, and why it hasn’t progressed like a normal 30 year old man’s life would have by now. If his “addiction” is just a bunch of BS to boost ratings, shame on Discovery & everybody involved in this plot line…because that’s nothing to joke about. I wish I could be more creative, but I think I’m just burned out by all the idiocy that is The Alaskan Bush People…

    • That was my first thought about Matt, too. Maybe he’s struggling with alcohol addiction. If that’s the case, then it would probably be best for him to get away from the family and reassess like you said. It’s sad but it seems like Discovery will use anything to get people to tune in.

  6. Hi, Ryan. Great recap as always, especially since we only watched it for a short time with the sound off – we can’t take it anymore. You’re recaps are so hilarious – and the only reason to watch this comedy. It is amazing how a family of nine (deep in the bush) with no jobs is able to acquire so much stuff. They really seem to be into their wardrobe this year – new hats for the mad scientist and what’s their fascination with leather? Keep up the great work!

  7. Stair Removal: Who does this…well, besides the Browns. Removing those stairs isn’t going to stop a bear from climbing onto the porch. AND, furthermore, why don’t they feel the need to remove the stairs every time they go on one of their all-family jaunts on the Integrity? Whether gone for an hour, 1 day or 30 days, the bears can still come around. The more I think about this the DUMBER the staircase removal becomes. Does no one at Discovery ever think about these things logically? Why am I asking that question when I already know the answer. *shakes head*

  8. Well it’s nice to be back from vacation and now your recap-great as usual.Been fishing all week and a true fish story from the past came to mind when you refreshed my memory on his fish punching. Do you know about the bowfin also called a dog fish? I’d like to send one to bear to punch. My son landed one of these things about 40 inches and it’s trashing about the boat getting net and gear tangled up-he was afraid to touch the damn thing. I told him move and took my tennis shoe off and wailed on it till I was exhausted then I collapsed in the chair out of breathe and said there get him untangled and off the boat he’s not moving anymore. When he got that fish and tossed it in the water it swam off-unbelievable! Doubt if Alaska has these things makes me wonder though and miss David hope the Bush mafia didn’t get him.

      • I am here, I a here! I promised I wouldn’t leave entirely and I haven’t. If some of you diehards want to make it through to the end watching the episodes on TV I can assure you do not stop cold turkey like I did. ABP is such a big pile, but it looks so much worse in the rear view mirror. Kind of like stopping exercising to sit on the couch and eat potato chips, but just for a few minutes. Once you stop, you aren’t going back. I read all of Ryan’s great recaps but it is a reminder of how bad and rudderless ABP is. Ugggghhhh.
        The entire world knows Billy and Bam never did go to jail and only had to have ankle monitors for a month. So for some reason they continue on with the charade every week that they might go to jail? Like this is high quality drama that we needed to relive from the inside to know what the characters were going through at that moment? Seriously, I am not following the reason to follow a storyline that has already played out in real life and the end is known. I am not going to tune into a 3 hour CNBC special tonight that discusses how important the upcoming BREXIT vote is and how the vote might go. Kind of know how that turns out. Of course any mention that Billy is still talking about how he was railroaded and is saving the family by falling on the sword still makes my blood boil even if I don’t hear it first hand. It makes me feel great about climbing off the S.S. ABPCrapfest.
        I thought this article was interesting…

        http://www.inquisitr.com/3231688/bad-news-alaskan-bush-people-fans-the-ratings-shark-was-jumped-after-all/

        I have been beating that drum for a while now. The ratings for ABP might still look decent in a vacuum, but they have shed over half of their audience (and falling) and are now routinely losing out to cartoon reruns. I don’t normally like reading that blog because it seems so behind on what is going on with ABP. Doesn’t seem that long ago that it was discussing riveting things like… Is ABP fake? Ummm, yea, no thanks. Now it has fully caught up that ABP is 100% BS in every way, and everything is a lie. Sounds like he thinks next season will be their last. I wonder how much farther it can fall to get a next season. Seriously, you can make up anything, and no idea or storyline is too far fetched, and this is the best program ABP can come up with? This show is a tired snoozefest and that is being kind. I am still convinced any writers with previous experience or talent have long left this show and threatened to sue Discovery if their names were associated with ABP in any way. Discovery then told Park Slope to shoot this season in a weekend, offer only warm beer and cold pizza as payment to the crew and if you spend over $500 on the entire thing you are way over budget. Hip Hip Hurrah to Ryan! BOOOOOOOO to ABP!
        Now onto real Alaskan news and what crazy Alaskans do, namely me. I played in the all night Midnight Sun Softball Tournament two weekends ago and we played at Midnight, 2 AM, 7 AM and 10 AM. Ran over to the big annual pipeline surplus equipment auction until 1 PM and realized fellow Alaskans were willing to pay more for the junk then I was so I went home empty handed. Since I had a 5K to run at 10 PM (Midnight Sun Run) I figured I better get some sleep. My wife had family in town so I figured she wouldn’t be too thrilled if I was yelling at them to shut the hell up while I am trying to sleep in the middle of the afternoon and early evening. So I slept in my 1985 GMC conversion van that is spray painted with rattle cans and all of our friends have nicknamed it the “Creeper”. DIGRESSION in an already DIGRESSION but I asked her once if I could play along with the joke and get personalized plates that said “Creeper”. That was a big $%#$ NO!!! Well little did I know that when more family arrived this week it gave her a great idea. Yep, despite us owning a nice large log cabin, she and I are now sleeping in a shop in a 1985 van every night with our cat for a while till family leaves. I am just one step short of saying… I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! Also I bit hard to swap posts with you guys when I live in a van at the moment. Crazy Alaskan weather this June has been 85 degrees and not a could in the sky one day to 58 degrees and pouring rain the next day. I hired one of my wife’s cousins from Hawaii to help remodel a house and one day the poor guy has no shirt on and the next he is he is so bundled up he looks like the Michelin Man. And no, he has zero plans on moving here. That is what is going on in Lake Wobegon this week.

        • David glad your back and survived the tournament and run.I am not being sarcastic-when we played a double header because of rain out it was hell to not drink beer after the first game while waiting the couple hours for the second one. Now a question for you does Alaska have a fish called a Bowfin alais dog fish. It’s a fresh water guy the Great Lakes and inland lakes and you cannot punch this fish to kill it I tried clubbing it with my tennis shoe till dead. Another story a friend told me he brought it home to show off the ugly of this thing and then decided to feed his cat the thing. He started with his fillet knife and stopped he didn’t want to dull his blade as he realized something wrong with this thing.He got a hatchet and wacked it’s head off. He gave it to the cat he gnawed on it and gave up wouldn’t touch it no more.This is one fish you really don’t want to catch.

          • Dogfish is sand shark on Cape Cod. The Brits like them for fish and chips, its trash fish here.

        • AWESOME! Did you have to shovel out chicken feces before sleeping in the van?

          Don’t get me started on Inquisitr. There are a few sites like them that post ABP clickbait garbage every day just so they can dominate the Google news search results.

          • The Inquisitr is pretty horrible. It looks like it takes maybe 5 minutes per blog tops. Then the funny part for me is they end every one with some really dumb question to the reader like it is supposed to get everybody talking on their site. I actually normally avoid it like the plague but they did come up first in a google search of ABP ratings. I got roped in with the title. I guess the normal “ABP, real or fake?” title wasn’t exactly roping them in anymore.
            No, I didn’t have to scoop out any chicken crap out of the van. Funny part of the Creeper is that it has a newer 350 engine in it with only 14,000 miles on it. So mechanically it is in tip top shape and there is almost no rust or any dents in it. But have 10-15 year old grey spray paint that is very faded and kind of ran a bit and that pretty much overwhelms anything else on the coolness factor. Remember my crazy ZZ top neighbor with the junk? Well he bought a 1985 short school bus and stood out in the driveway and spray-painted it black from its school bus yellow. Of course I was so impressed with how good it looked compared to mine we struck a deal and he will be spraying mine this summer. Sometimes I wonder if we are in Alaska or the hills of Kentucky.
            Henry I am pretty sure we don’t have Bowfin in Alaska. We do have a dogfish, but it is small shark species. Also Chum Salmon is routinely called dogfish up here because it is of the lowest quality of all the salmon species and it is routinely only caught to feed to the sled dogs.

  9. Once again, Ryan, you have outdone yourself with your LOL review! My favorites: The Bush Clothes Incinerator; Billy, the Bush Martyr; “Couldn’t hit a bull in the a** with a banjo; Black Screen of Fake Doom; Bruce of the Green Pants. (BTW: Why would anyone hit hit a bull with a banjo?)

    Judgment vs. Judgement: You are so spot on—judgment is the correct spelling in the U.S. and both spellings are used in GB. L48L STORY ALERT: It is my first day of law school and the whole class of newbies have gathered in a large room for an introduction. Know what our first lesson (admonition) was? Yep! Spell “judgment” without the extra “e”! I kid you not—and that has stuck with me like super glue ever since. 🙂

    Bush “Washing” Machine: What a waste of time and resources. The agitator had about as much power as a newborn baby’s arm. And, again, what is with Noah’s leg? They sure never talk about it. If Billy can get all sorts of medical help in Seattle why can’t Noah, or why not Birdy and her teeth?

    The Greenhouse: Did anyone see anything being planted? I didn’t. Not a seed, or a seedling, or a tomato plant. Nada. Can storms destroy it? Yes. Can animals maul and shred it? Yes. Will the Browns actually do gardening in it? No.

    Grouse hunting: Epic fail.

    Billy & Bam walk off into the sunset: Spare me. 30 days? The family can’t live without each other for 30 days? Perhaps they should experience real separation as so many families face–such as a year’s deployment to Afghanistan. Or even normal, everyday separation—you know—children grow up, get there own lives, move to other states. Besides, on EHM (electronic home monitoring), nothing prohibits the detainee from living with family—at least not in my state. They could all live in an apt. together in Juneau, or the rest of the Browns could live on the boat and visit B&B everyday. There is no “separation” here.

    Matt: Have to say, Matt’s distress looked genuine. Of course, the rumors about going into rehab are out there—but what caused him to go that route in the first place (if it is true? Perhaps he is wondering, in his early 30s, why he doesn’t have more of a life—work, a place to live that isn’t with Mommy & Daddy, or in a hole in the ground under a stump or in a one-room tire shack. Maybe he would like a wife and children. Pretty sad.

    And once again, I ask: Where is Gabe’s house? You know, that wreck that was “rescued” from the beach? Where did it go?

    • Thanks for mentioning the thing I forgot: Did anyone actually plant anything (besides LIES!) in the greenhouse before they left?

      I have no idea where I first heard “You couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a banjo,” but it’s a thing. Bulls can also be hit in the butt with bass fiddles. I guess only stringed instruments work. Do not attempt it with a bassoon.

  10. That Twitter pic is priceless. Bear is wearing a ladies’ tank top, and Rainy and Birdie are relegated to eyeballs in the background. And the man walking by on the right is wearing a complete “WTF?” outfit…

  11. I noticed that Billy talked to Matt about going into town a lot as if they all go into town but maybe not as much. To me that kind of shoots down Discovery Channel’s insistence that these bozo’s live in the bush.

  12. This one was gold Ryan! I’m proud to announce that Noah has captured the first ever official “DBA” (Dumbest Brown Award) in the Alaskan Bush People series. I’ve waited a long time to give proper credit to the one that actually deserves this but, the more I have to endure Noah’s BS misguided ignorance, the more I realize that he’s really the one most deserving. Now please don’t get me wrong fellow ABP haters, I’m fully aware that they are all complete idiots in every sense of the word but, Noah just has this exceedingly unwarranted arrogance about him that makes me want vomit. Has anyone noticed yet that this hypochondriac has graduated from a one time ankle brace to a full-leg stainless steel splint? What a chip off the old Brown block. Congrats on the award Noah, it’s the biggest insult that can be given, asswhipe.

  13. My spouse watched ABP for the first time ever this week. Response: “WHAT. THE. HELL.” Then I had to listen to a couple of thousand better plans on how to make a bush washing machine.

      • When the Wolfpack started to howl, I received a look from the spouse clearly suggesting I need more to do around the house, and, perhaps my TV viewing would be more closely monitored in the future. Hey, is “J-town” a thing real people say, or is it part of the Brown’s language/culture/accent/crap? I liked Lower48Lawyer’s “as much power as a newborn baby’s arm”, so true! After a gnat woke me from my outdoor nap, I thought of an idea for a plastic bracelet. (Gabe had such a bracelet in the twitter pic) WWBD (What Would Billy Do?….Nothing!)

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About Ryan Berenz 2045 Articles
Some thing I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife