Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People Recap: High Tide Housing

LEGO Alaskan Bush People

On Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People episode “High Tide Housing” (June 10), an unexpected visit from the mayor of Hoonah may forever change the face of Browntown. And the family must rally around strong man Gabe when the opportunity to realize a lifelong dream comes with serious risks.

LEGO Alaskan Bush People

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

This “not lost” episode of Alaskan Bush People opens where all episodes should: at the Hoonah dump. Except this time it’s Noah, not Matt, who gets to play with the ghost of Kenny from the junkyard. Noah’s browsing Kenny’s inventory of scrapped propane tanks with the goal of finding some with just the right tonality to make large bells for whatever belfry he plans on building to house his dissected bats. Zombie Kenny gets the power cutter out of his truck and starts gleefully sawin’ the Bells of Brownton Abbey.

Back at Brownton Abbey, the family is taking advantage of the early spring to get a good start on the year’s bullshit. Highest on the list of priorities is signage, because in a megalopolis like Brownton Abbey, it’s easy to get lost or forget your family members’ names and where they live. Gabe and Rainy are carving letters into wooden planks and then burning them in with gunpowder. Hey, if Noah didn’t want people stealing from his black powder stash while he’s out galavanting with Kenny, he should’ve built a door lock on his workshop of horrors.

On the subject of doors, Bear has put the finishing touches on his treehouse. He’s installing a junked car door in his favorite color, EXXXTREME Red. With his treehouse complete, Bear will finally be accepted by his blood relatives, the Ewoks.

ABP Bear Ewok

Bear’s treehouse is not without its charm. The sap oozing from the tree is like Bush Potpourri, a sensual aroma that will arouse within the ladies an appetite for both romance and pancakes. Finally he has “somewhere where I can invite a girl, hang my knives, shotguns.” All of this inspires Gabe to consider building a place of his own: a place other than a corner in his parents’ room, a place where he can make girls fear for their lives just as well — if not better — than his brothers can.

Noah’s bells are hung up and ready to serve their purpose as monstrous eyesores and noxious noise pollution. Instead of shooting guns, they can ring the bells to signal stuff. Rainy says one bell can signal lunch and another can signal dinner, in case there was confusion. Another bell can signal that it’s time for a seizure.

Billy marvels at all the progress that’s been made at Brownton Abbey. “I sometimes wonder, ‘How did we do all of this?'” Anyone who’s seen two seconds of this show has wondered the same. Then Billy takes a moment to whip us all into a livid frenzy of hair-pulling and teeth gnashing with his spiel on how he’s a victim of Alaskan bureaucrats who oppress the Bush Lifestyle with their laws an’ such. He’s still shilling the notion that he’s not responsible for dragging his legal case on and on, and that he’s a Bush Martyr for selflessly taking a brutal rabbit punch from the iron fist of Alaskan justice. “If we throw ourselves on the fire, it’ll finally be over and they can’t come after the whole family.” Of course Billy’s not going to mention that his plea deal was rejected, so that argument holds less water than Noah’s plumbing system.

Let us welcome the honorable Hoonah Mayor Kenneth Karl Skaflestad back to the shores of Brownton Abbey. Mayor Kenny must be here to collect that sweet, sweet Alaskan Bush People tribute money. He’s impressed with how well the Browns have trashed some formerly pristine land. “I can just look around and see you’re not afraid of a little work,” Mayor Kenny tells Billy. … OH, HELL NO HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE! With all of his flimflammery on this show, I’d be concerned for Mayor Kenny’s reelection bid if 90 percent of Hoonah’s population weren’t also Skaflestads. The mayor brings up the PFD fraud thing. “It has no bearing on our friendship, and I’m speaking for a bunch of folks who’ve said the same,” he tells Billy. Oh, really? “A bunch of folks?” I want names and addresses! Don’t make me cause a scene at the next Hoonah city council meeting!

Mayor Kenny finally gets down to business. “There’s a bunch of old ladies after me to clean up this stretch of beach,” he says. The tide has washed up all kinds of crap on the shore, and the mayor says the Browns can salvage what they want from it. Where this stretch of “beach” is and why Hoonah’s senior citizens give a tinker’s cuss about it is beyond me, but I’m all for lighting a fire under the mayor’s arse. Give ’em hell! Billy agrees to the job, since it’s a nice community service project that he can avoid doing work on.

While Billy is striking under-the-table deals with Mayor Kenny, Birdy and Rainy are out foraging for food. They’re eating fiddlehead ferns with the occasional spider on them. Birdy fancies herself a Bush Martha Stewart and likes to eat rose petals dipped in sugar. There are health benefits to eating rose petals, and I get to make jokes about poop smelling like roses.

And then there’s a tragedy that will rock the foundation of Brownton Abbey and bring the family to its knees. Or Billy’s knee, at least. Billy got his foot caught under a tree root and twisted his knee, and yada yada yada “Guys, I’m not going to make the beach salvage job.” OH, REALLY? Rainy can set her Apple Watch to all of Billy’s injuries. (Thanks to ROX in Juneau for the marvelous photo!) They can see right through Billy’s jeans that it’s really bad, and it’s decided that Billy will go to a fictional doctor to have his fictional knee injury fictionally examined.

Billy puts Birdy in charge of the beach salvage operation, because Birdy tends to negotiate a compromise when her butt-headed brothers butt heads, and it would make Billy look really prescient when Birdy comes through in the end.

Matt is really stoked about the beach salvage job. “Anytime you can help the community, it’s a good thing,” he says. I think the best thing Matt could do to help the community would be to leave it.

The “beach,” which is probably just an unused piece of private land that Hoonah’s old ladies don’t even know exists, has decades of tidal junk washed up on it. There’s one item of particular interest to Gabe: an old but mostly intact wooden shack. “It has everything. It has walls, it has a roof, it has a floor,” Gabe says. I suppose that’s everything. Gabe wants to move it to Brownton Abbey, though it will be difficult and dangerous. After they shovel out all the garbage and tiny crabs from the shack, Bear tests the walls by slamming his body into them.

BearKoolAid

Right on cue, Bam comes in to poo poo the project. It’s not worth the risk, the time, the effort and the fuel to transport it. Bam would be correct if this job weren’t being carefully supervised and mostly accomplished by hired workers, and entirely paid for by Park Slope. Bam is voted down by his siblings, as always. The plan is to lift the house with jacks, wait for the tide to come in, float an old dock underneath the house, and then tow the whole mess back to Brownton Abbey with the Integrity.

After consulting with Bush Dr. James Andrews, Billy says that he tore his ACL, and they’re just going to wait and see if it heals on its own. I don’t know enough about Bush Orthopedics to say if this Prognosis: Bullshit. Anyhoo, Billy will be on Injured Reserve for at least a month, which is no loss to anyone.

Billy takes this opportunity to lament about how the Bush just ain’t what it used to be. “The Bush is changing,” Billy says. “We can’t just disappear like we used to do.” I will let all our Alaskan friends discuss all the ways one can easily disappear in Alaska, none of which involve starring on a national cable TV show. Ami says that Billy is feeling “discouraged with the Bush,” which should’ve been John Kerry’s campaign slogan back in ’04. For a minute there, I actually wondered if Billy was looking for an ABP endgame, but then I came to my senses.

The Bureau of Bush Weights and Measures declares this shack to be 7,000 pounds, and it’s unknown if it can hold together if lifted into the air. Lo and behold, they get the shack jacked up with the Good Lord’s help, and it stays together … barely. “I’m hearing structural creaking,” Matt says. He’s probably just hearing his mom’s neck vertebrae. Wet Blanket Bam steps in and indicates how the whole shack looks like it’s going to twist and fold in on itself, and they should stop this nonsense. “I don’t consider it giving up. I consider it choosing to no longer participate in this endeavor,” Bam says after consulting his thesaurus. Then Birdy steps in and gives the Knute Rockne motivational speech. “Quitting this house is like quitting Dad,” she says. “It’s like quitting the Bush.” This episode should come with a disclaimer like, “Warning: Following a Fantasy Bush Credo and your lazy-ass father may result in serious injury or death.”

Back home, Billy’s coming close to quitting the Bush himself. All the injuries and stuff are piling up, and he says he’s having “trouble finding that spark” that makes him persevere with pretending to live in the Bush. Noah’s good for the occasional spark, and now they can bond over their gimpy legs, so Billy pays his creepiest son a visit. Noah is busy making a Bunsen burner fueled by hydrogen, which is actually quite easy. Noah might blast his face off in the process, but the scars would give him some “humanity” and chicks who pretend to like Noah dig scars. Noah’s burner works, or so we’re led to believe, but it’s not like he’s discovered some miracle renewable energy source here. He’ll need to recharge the battery that produces the current that produces the hydrogen, so he’ll have to burn gasoline for the generator, anyway. My Trump University degree in Bush Physics leads me to think that Noah would’ve been better off using that alcohol to fuel a simple burner instead of using it for his stupid Bush Hand Warmers. “That’s Bush Ingenuity at its finest,” says Billy.

Back in Hoonah, the tide is coming in, and the strength of Gabe’s shack will be tested. “We could easily wind up dropping a house on someone,” Matt says.

But everything goes smoothly. They float the old dock underneath the house, the tide lifts the whole thing and they get it tied up to the Integrity for the slow journey to Brownton Abbey.

On the voyage home, Bam apologizes to Birdy for his lack of faith in the Bush. He has a lot on his mind, what with going to prison soon and all. Birdy tells Bam to live in the moment and enjoy the time he gets to spend with his annoying family. And don’t worry, Bam. You’re not going to prison. You get to spend 30 days under house arrest in Juneau playing video games and watching blu-rays. Sheeeeit, that sounds like my dream vacation. I’m going to apply for the PFD tomorrow!

The Integrity arrives with the shack in one piece, and the kids are eager to show daddy what they did. Billy sees what his spawn have accomplished and it makes him encouraged with the Bush once again. The future of the family will not be changed forever this week.

Next week, the future of the family is changed forever after mysterious gunshots are fired, causing the Bush Alert Level to be raised to EXXXTREME Red.

62 Comments

  1. they dont use saved cabin.look shots in the dark,you see,that gabe has copycabin!!so many lies are coming up.bam is married again,said someone on abp-page.it was mentioned in newspaper.abp fast took whole section off,because they dont want people to know about bam.they kind of admitted ,that bam is taken.if they have left it,nobody cares.they were at hawaii long time!!what money??is the busyest time of year,and they dont work!!gabes facebook says,that he lives at juneau!!just profilepic there.this is a fake show.they left tools outside in winter.building house without jacket.thanks gabe!lots of lies.billy has twyla and brandy of first marriage.have you thought birds and rainys agegap??why ami didnt have more kids in that gap??did she lost them,or is rainy bams daughter??some people is that mind.matts problem was old news.about 2 years ago he was in jail few days,billy get him out.how they get hoonah mayor and susie in this crap??messing bears..so fake.bears want food,dont go upstairs or broke things.one bear inside was teached.dc and browns make the mess..and browns can be shocked!!i like watching gabe!!he is sweet!he wanted someone sweet and happy…why not someone with skills and hardworking type??why dont use words like:kind,loyal,loving,funny and so on.he asked just a bedwarmer.he is strong and little smart….not much to be husdand!!see the lies!!thank you!!

  2. Does it bother anyone else that since the very first episode of this show every single time a commercial ends, the narrator basically recaps the entire episode up to that point? Either they really don’t have that much “lost dump dwelling footage” or the producers just think the entire ABP audience is as uneducated and ignorant as their “reality retard stars”

    • Agreed. I have made that point many times. They basically summarize the episode when you come back from commercial. The show treats their audience like complete idiots.

      • My experience with “reality” TV is that all similar programs—no matter the channel—employ the same methods—repetition, repetition, etc. I believe we could be shown a lot more, but, for some inexplicable reason, we are not.

  3. Ryan/David; I was thinking about the ABP the other day and my wife *itch slapped across the face for thinking about the ABP so I quit thinking. But, I digress.
    David, as near as I can tell you live in Alaska. Are you close to Browntown where you could make a “surprise” visit and truly give all of us sufferers what is the true story. If not close enough, perhaps we could all donate into some type of fund to get you to Hoonah where you could use your bartering skills to get an RV and float to Chiggeroff Island. Having an RV would mean you would not have to sleep with any of the Brown folks.
    And just one other thing that has truly had me up at nights is Matt’s hot tub. If my eyes didn’t play games on me, he put the skiff over a log fire ( note the tarp burning away ) and the proceeded to put his fanny on the metal to enjoy his hot tub.
    Aw, heck, one more thing…..the crab that Bird found in Gabe’s new swankienda, did it come from the ocean or did it fall out of one of the guys pants.

    C ya, B ya.

    • Watching ABP: The Book of Billy. It’s like watching paint dry. All of a sudden he is a wood carverer….with hammer and chisel and chainsaw. He claims to roam through the woods with a chainsaw and carves (defaces) logs into little treasures for the next guy to stumble upon and”enjoy”! Pure crap!

      • I couldn’t agree with you more Skiffy. It was more than painful to watch, but we learned of never before seen skills/talents of Billy. Yawn!! Besides fraud and teaching his children the true art of how to lie their way through life, not to mention on national TV, he’s also an expert wood carver. That explains a lot now. We see every time, whenever real work needs to be done, Billy sufferers an attack of “Billy Brown Syndrome”. What’s really happening is Billy running off to roam through the woods to create some bush treasure for the next guy to stumble upon and “Enjoy”. What a guy!!
        Discover, ParkSLOP and Slick Willy are doing everything that possibly can be done to milk every possible penny out of the show. Even if it means the continuous production of garbage sideshows like this, in addition to the retreading, of the same story lines week after week.

        • When Billy had the chainsaw in the woods, he barely touched a log with it. Never did they show anything “carved”. Same with Billy and Ami in the cabin. Then they reminisced about the first time they carved together…WOW!

    • Hi there Bob. No, I don’t live near Browntown. I live right in the center of Alaska in Fairbanks and Hoonah is down on the southeast coast of Alaska on the Ocean. There is road access basically right up to the land where they film on so I would be able to stay in the RV right there. On the other hand I couldn’t think of a worse vacation then going down to see the Alaskabillies. It is all fake so there wouldn’t be much to see.
      I won’t watch any of their special episodes so I missed the carving scenes of Billy. Wow, this show will just make up anything. Absolutely nothing on this show amazes me. They are going to milk every last drop out of this show.

      • David, perhaps if you roam the forests near your home, you might be fortunate enough to stumble upon a Billy chainsaw creation. I am sure it will be a magical experience.

        • Billy is the last guy that should be walking about the woods with a chainsaw. His own stumbling problem and fake history of seizures should be reason enough to put the chainsaw on the high shelf.

      • The thought of a previous episode reminded me how fake and made up the Billy the Wood Carver episode really was. I believe the boys went on a money losing job to pick up a wood carving of a bear from Stevie Wonder, but had to wait a day so Stevie could complete the carving from a stump of wood. When they saw the finished product the next day not one of the boys made any kind of reference their dad does carvings too.

    • Hi Henry! We just gave our website a little facelift. You can always get to all the other ABP recaps and stuff by clicking on the Alaskan Bush People tag or in the “Go here for all your AWESOME and EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!” link I put in every recap.

  4. When one of the Brown brothers said he did not want the house falling on anyone while they were trying to move it, it did immediately conjure up the picture of Dorothy’s house falling on the wicked witch. And, looking at the film clip, there is definitely a resemblance between that house and Gabe’s new dream home. The real question is how is that house going to be moved into Brown Town in and among the trees? Rolling it on logs? Hitching it up to Cupcake? To Gabe? Best if it is left out in the sunshine to dry out—it has to be a mold paradise. Not sure which is worse—mold or chicken doo.

    And, once again, Noah was nowhere to be found during the “house” move. I have never heard much about his leg injury, except that it was injured. Is it so bad that he can no longer do any physical work? Does anyone know?

    • Bottom line is just that Noah is a sorry, lazy, uneducated, fat oaf that’s pretty much good for nothing.

  5. Ah yes, once again the Brown clan show us on they do things in the bush. This time around we have the girls out foraging. (Remember when they went out picking berries with a 5 gal bucket and brought home about two handsful.) This time they’re picking fiddleheads and popping them in their mouths. I didn’t catch it, but someone on another forum pointed out that fiddleheads should NOT be eaten raw. Oh, and when I did the goggle thing, I learned that eating them raw can interfere with brain activity http://www.gracelinks.org/2296/real-food-right-now-and-how-to-cook-it-fiddleheads Hmmmm could that be why the Brown kids seem to get dumber as they age, eating those pesky fiddleheads raw year after year.

  6. Will somebody PLEASE TELL ME why the episodes never occur in the SUMMER. Are the Browns on vacation then?

    • Well they seem to actually occur ever spring. I can assure you they sure as heck don’t occur during the winter. There can be a lot of snow in those areas and you never see that.

  7. FOR SALE: Brown Town homes. Shared amenities: Outhouse, outdoor showers, skiff hot tub, root cellar, garden, smokehouse, barrel bull, fire pit, trebuchet, alarm system, and dinner bells. Near Hoonah, Alaska. Dump close by. Pizza.

    The Deluxe: 3 bedrooms, plus one under the stairs; kitchen with cold running water, no drainpipe under sink; bathtub in master bedroom, no plumbing, dirty quilt; home only ransacked by bears once or twice.

    Trapper Shack: Original homestead of Brown Town’s pioneers. Moss-chinked by girls. This one-room wonder is the ultimate in open-concept living.

    Dirt Hole Under Fallen Tree: Strong roof, soft floor. Thermal heated. Great for Alaska’s chilly winters.

    Plastic Wrap Up: Sorry. No longer available.

    Trendy Tire House: Straight from the Hoonah Dump, the tires used to construct this home provide the finest insulation against the elements. Grated window is removable for use as BBQ rack at community fire pit.

    Moldy Tent: Former quarters of Brown Town Genius. If you are the lucky person to grab up this deal, some of the Genius’ experiments are included as decor.

    Chicken Coop Delight: Do not let the name of this home dissuade you. Pet ramp, built-in shelves, lingering aromas, sturdily-built against forestland critters.

    Treehouse: This light and airy home overlooks Brown Town and provides unparalleled views of the nearby treetops. Ladder access, bicycle elevator; red metal door. Adding to its charm, the home is unencumbered by running water or heat. The scrap wood siding leaves plenty of holes to provide 360 degree views.

    Beach(ed) Bungalow: This latest edition to the Brown Town inventory is a beachcomber’s dream. It features floors, ceilings and exxxtreme-tested solid walls.

    Contact: Chichagof Island Realty, Icy Straits Lodge, Hoonah, AK

    • Good stuff as always! It looks like it is going to take some cleanup when their lease expires.

      • David, I know somewhere deep inside you can find the strength and courage to keep watching ABP until the end of its current run. Think of what Birdy would say if she were here—“Never give up! That isn’t the bush way!”

        • Yes, that is what Birdy would say. Sadly she just isn’t inspiring me.
          To me this is like the difference between making fun of a major Hollywood movie that is just really poorly done and ripping apart a children’s kindergarten school play. The Hollywood movie is made by professionals and they are honestly trying. The children’s play isn’t serious and they are young kids so there are no expectations. ABP is the kids play, and they have quit even trying anymore and have gone to a completely moronic place. There is nothing serious to really breakdown anymore. Worse than that all they are doing is recycling the same old tired storylines. Building Browntown, everybody wanting to build their own house, Noah inventing in his house of horrors, Billy gets hurt, going to the dump and the next hauling job. Now it looks like they are going all the way back to season one and going with gunshots in the night. We all know nothing happens. They seem completely out of new ideas. To steal a line Mr. Wonderful would say on Shark Tank… you are dead to me ABP.
          But fear not, I will be with you in the comments till the bloody end of this. I have skipped most of the first season and I think over half of season 3 and was here the whole time. There is just no reason to actually tune in anymore.

  8. Ryan I should take my time to let this settle within me-but this was great and you have so many here it was like a heaven library. The Photoshop pics and the Lego Bush People was the best and again you have a Art Gallery of them. The Tigers were playing and NBA finals too so what you had to sacrifice well certainly not the Tigers that had to be rough. I can’t stand going back to the VCR days of recording a sports event to watch later. I guess you could do it the other way around and record and ahh hell I can’t finish this. I was there on DC a little after 9 enough to see the court room scene and Billy talking about the PDF. The DC folks airing the judge is gnawing at me but I still can’t form the question. Must have been at the begining of his case as I know it was by phone. Hey I hope your son helped you with the Legos-don’t be a Lego hog like I was.

    • Thanks, Henry! I’m totally like Will Ferrell in The LEGO Movie. “AGH! DON’T TOUCH THAT!” I let my sons play with my LEGO collection, but I always watch them very carefully.
      Again, you chose wisely in watching the games instead of ABP.

  9. LEGO Browns are the best thing ever, and, because of them, I will be a Ryan Berenz fan for life! That is good stuff.
    I noticed a few of the Browns are packing on some pounds. Noah (lard) seems to be trying to hide behind the others when on camera to cover it up. Birdbrain is also getting a bit thick. Must be all the venison, berries, and fiddleheads.
    The only way Billy’s torn ACL will heal without surgery would be to do PHYSICAL therapy…I repeat..PHYSICAL therapy. He may as well file for Social Security Disability now as we know that’s never gonna happen.
    When they show aerial shots of Browntown all the trees around it look dead. What have they done?

    • Thanks, Skiffy! LEGO Bush People was a labor of love. I used a custom LEGO Christmas card and photoshopped the rest. Here’s what they looked like before I went to work:
      Billy needed the most work. Ami needed absolutely none.

      • I hope LEGO doesn’t get inspired to create a Browntown brick set. I’d never get anything done if I had one of those!

      • I hope LEGO doesn’t get inspired to create a Browntown brick set. I’d never get anything done if I had one. It could be a really elaborate set (treehouse, cabin, pile of tires, mad scientist, handcuffs), or very simple….bears (which LEGO already makes) and blood splotches!

        • You can submit your own builds to LEGO for consideration at https://ideas.lego.com/. If a set gets enough votes, LEGO will at least look at it and determine if it’s marketable. Obviously ABP is way too obscure to get enough votes, but it would be fun to amass a bunch of bricks and put together a LEGO Brownton Abbey, The Skiff and Integrity. Kickstarter?

          • Would you really have a better replica Browntown using Legos, or just taking your trashcan and dumping it on the floor?

          • My grandson thinks it’s fun to recreate my small town and it’s features and creatures with LEGOs. Now I’m going to have to force the poor kid to watch ABP!

      • OMG! LMFAO! You gonna add some bush cats to the pic as well? Is the Rainy Lego wearing her iWatch? Did you black out Birdy’s teeth?

          • I should clarify. My comment is not in reference to Legos. The picture of Rainy with the iwatch, her boots are very stylish and no doubt expensive. Not the type of boots normally worn in the bush. Anyone know what brand she is wearing?

        • I did give Birdy a little space in her teeth, but I didn’t go all out. I gave Matt the tooth necklace that flew up and hit him in the eye. I SHOULD’VE given him the eyepatch!

  10. Ryan, I think we now know what really happened to Kenny. “Finding” bones in Gabe’s new cabin… Kudos to the Browns for the pure genius of getting rid of the evidence in plain sight! They looked human to me. Just sayin’.

  11. So we start off with the charade about Browntown become closer to a real town by having gunpowder signs… yea that is all its missing. If it gets any bigger I am sure everybody will get lost soon as to where in Browntown they are.
    Billy insults us all with wondering out loud how they managed to do all the work in Browntown… sigh, as if Billy, as if.
    Noah is working on propane tank bells. This show is devolving into a really really crappy bush version of Dr. Science. Has any of Noah’s pathetic attempt to invent anything ever shown themselves to be of any use to the Browns? Ever? Nope, not once. I don’t even have the energy to break down how pathetic the whole scene is.
    So why Bear being the talented craftsman that he is doesn’t bother to construct a wooden door to the tree house that would fit as to keep the weather out and be relatively light, nope, he uses a red van door that doesn’t fit and is very heavy. Glad he had those new hinges lying around. He does amuse me by saying he now has a place to invite girls to. HA! As if. Must be a few out of work actresses needing a bit of work hanging out somewhere with some time on their hands.
    I know shows are shot previously but shown later on TV, but for some reason we listen to how Billy and Bam have to go to jail even though we know they didn’t. Why they didn’t just get rid of this sequence I have no idea. All it really amounted to was the narrator talking and a Billy interview piece. Of course Billy plays up the martyr angle how he only plead guilty in order to save the family. He also tells us they are real Alaskans when we know that is complete BS. I can’t stand hearing anything about the PFD fraud on this show. I wish they would just omit it and save my blood boiling.
    Now the mayor has to tell Billy how he is still behind them and so are a lot of other Alaskans. $@#$% that! No we aren’t! Seriously, I can’t take much more of this. I hope the mayor of Hoonah takes a ton of $#%^ from the town folks for going on TV and lying through his teeth. What a sellout. This show will pull out any stops in order to try and save Billy’s good name.
    Of course we have the weekly Billy injury. Despite all of the cameras around generally filming nothing of interest they never actually filmed a Billy injury or seizure. This is no different as he has now twisted his knee. What a bunch of made up @#$%! They use moss in their home made splint which makes zero sense as it would lead to instability and would just fall apart.
    As usual Billy gets out of any work to go to the Doctor (which we will never see) and leaves that to the kids. Very tired storyline.
    So the mayor gives them the stuff on the beach. Love how they put some drama in it by saying they have to beat the tide to get the stuff moved. Or what? It has obviously been there for years so what exactly is going to happen over the course of a few tides? This show is just awful in every way.
    After we find out Billy has an ACL injury he seem to be foreshadowing they can’t live in the bush any longer (Maybe dreams really do come true for Alaskans). Like when they use to go get groceries and disappear for the whole winter. We know there is no way Billy will give up this gravy train until the Discovery management yanks it from his gold digging hands. This show just bold face lies like nothing I have ever seen. Wow. They have never lived in the bush and had no contact for a year. Heck Billy, why don’t you start with living in an Alaska town for a winter let alone the bush. I know, Texas has nicer winters. Ami tells Billy they have to win each battle one at a time to stay living in the bush. This coming from such a rough and tumble women she can’t even sit still in a chair and not injure her neck.
    We spend way too much time on a very boring move of a house, or a shack, take your pick. Love how the house magically jacked itself up after the Browns couldn’t do it. The structure looks completely waterlogged, and full of algae and mold. Perfect place for a Brown. Blah blah blah they get the house moved. I just didn’t have the time or patience to break down this way too long house move. Also they would never get this thing up the beach (or marsh) to Browntown pulling it by hand as it would sink whatever it is on right in the mud. Also it took way longer to go all though this to move it rather than just build a new one not complete a biohazard.
    I am bowing out of watching this any longer. This show is absolutely horrible in every way. It is tired, not funny, lies about everything and isn’t even interesting to write about and poke fun of anymore. As Ryan perfectly summed up earlier this season, it is hard to make fun of something that is in on the joke. ABP doesn’t even try to have things make any sense anymore. It is like watching young children play at summer camp going from one oddball crafts project to the next with no rhyme or reason why they are doing it. It is just to kill time. I dread hitting play on the DVR. Somebody once described participating in fantasy football this way… “I have no idea why I continue to participate in an activity that has a 90% chance of pissing me off”. That sums up ABP perfectly for me. This show might continue on, but the journey will be without me. I will still read Ryan’s great recaps and chime in occasionally but I am departing the S.S. ABP for good. Ahhhh, I feel better already.

    • Oh, man. That fantasy football analogy is perfect. I wasted so much time just to get my ass kicked every week. So I stopped playing fantasy football and now I get my ass kicked by ABP every week.
      You gearing up for midnight sun, or has that already arrived?

      • I loved that fantasy football quote because it was so true. The lows of fantasy football were so much lower than the highs were high. That quote caused me to reassess things and I have never played since then. Good riddance as my life has only improved since I quit. I am sure the same is true with ABP.
        The longest day of the year (solstice) is on June 21st and we have 22 1/2 hours of direct sunlight and basically 24 hours of light. Right now it is pretty close to 24 hours of light. So the midnight sun is here. We have a semi-pro baseball game called the Midnight Sun game that starts at 10:30 PM and end about 1:30 AM and is played without lights. This Saturday at 10 PM we have a 10K race called the Midnight Sun Run and sometimes has up to 4,000 runners from around the world. Turns into a huge block party through neighborhoods in Fairbanks. Only race I have ran in where beer and shots are offered to the runners throughout the race. Also starting Friday night at midnight is the Midnight Sun One Pitch softball tournament. Usually about 40-50 teams that play all night long with no lights. Last year we took 4th and played at 1:00AM, 3:00AM, 5:00AM, 8:00AM 11:00AM, 1:00PM and 3:00PM. Absolutely perfectly times where you can get no real sleep. Then I ran the 10K at 10PM and was dead for that race. We really celebrate the summer solstice up here. Might as well as we pay for it with a long hard winter.

    • Hey David Thanks Again and Again. I’m probably sounding like a broken record but Ryan and you are my favorites. That’s a lot of baseball.Thought I use to play too much. My legs started cramping reading that schedule.

      • Thanks Henry. I have sworn off ABP a number of times before and somehow ended up watching. It is truly an awful show.
        Yea that all night tournament can be brutal, especially if your team does well. It is kind of a goofy very Alaskan thing.

    • David you hit on something that I have noticed often. Nothing is ever filmed that could be of actual interest to the show. Everything is staged. Like you stated, Billy has a seizure or twists his leg,that should have been caught on film. And that waterlogged cabin sequence was pathetic. Where did they get the jacks to raise that thing. These folks have way too much equipment living in the bush. Can you imagine the stink coming from that building after its been sitting in that muck for probably years. Gabe will come down with some sort of serious illness if he really intends to set up housekeeping in the mildew moldy shack.

      • That little cabin is a biohazard from the word go. Sitting in the water for all those years, no way it is worth saving. The other thing is that Browntown is sitting on a tidal flat with no deep water harbor. Complete mud that spends half it life under water. So when you put something under the cabin to try and roll that thing up the mud to Browntown it would sink right into the muck. Even if you did manage to get out of that they built Browntown in the trees. So is there even an opening in the tress big enough to get the cabin through? Even if you had equipment this seems like a ton of time, effort and money in equipment to get that thing up to Browntown. Remember Billy told us in one episode a couple of season ago the Browns have built more houses than he can even remember (as if). So why wouldn’t you just built a decent small cabin for your family? Also why are your kids living in chicken coops, tree forts, and tire houses if your such fine craftsman and are surrounded by big timber? Makes no sense like anything on this show. Seriously, this is just make it as we go at this point.

        • Sunday I’m surfing and I came across those mountain men.New season too so they were showing the one where Marty had built that one room 24 by 20 cabin all by himself so he could bring up his wife and young daughter which he did.What a night and day difference between the two shows. Even that guy Tom Orr in Montana is impressive and he has a trick knee. If Billy Brown ever saw this he would have a panic attack.I tried googling on the shows back ground and really couldn’t find nothing negative. Marty I found out has written articles for field and stream and he mentioned the show and said he wished they didn’t narrate so much drama. He said the film crew guys should be filming themselves as with their equipment and the severe cold they struggle more them him.I guess my point was the cabin he built by his lonesome versus a water logged shack.

  12. So the idea behind the bells was to save ammo shooting at each other to announce dinner, but between the amount of lead that was used for the clapper and the black powder they used for the signs (again reduces the need to shoot at each other to ask for directions) it’s doubtful that any ammo was saved.

    Billy went on so much about Servicing the Community I wonder if he thinks that this counts towards his Community Service which is not allowed to be filmed or profited from.

    Noah proved with his generator charged, battery powered hydrogen generator just as he did with his frightfully expensive slight hand warmer that he doesn’t understand one of the basics with something being useful, to do more with less, not the other way around. Not only does he not poses enough chemistry knowledge to have determined the poor use of superglue would be exothermic, we at least learned in the third grade that producing hydrogen the way he did would not produce a usable amount or either gas. Also when we did it we separated the gasses which was beyond his capabilities evidently.

    Ryan I was hoping you would comment on bush medicine involved tearing up the nearest shirt or the use of moss, but I realize there is only so much absurdity that can be covered.

    • I originally had a sentence or two about Gabe cutting up his brand-new T-shirt (which must’ve replaced the pig-bloodied one) to make the Bush Cast. I lost my connection to our server Sunday morning and it wiped out a good hour’s worth of work. Maybe someday those parts will reappear in a “Lost Recap” edition.

      • Ack! That’s an hour you won’t get back. Considering the subject matter that’s like being told by the dentist he/she has to redo the last hour of drilling.

        I was starting to have withdrawals after having watched the show waiting for the recap, if ever you decide to not do recaps kindly let us know before we subject ourselves to the steaming pile that is ABP.

  13. Ryan, you really outdid yourself with Photoshop this week. Bear as Wicket the Ewok? Genius.
    Wookiepedia says that “Yub Nub” means “Freedom” in Ewokese, which should be the name of any Brown Family member who doesn’t yet have a stupid bush nickname.

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About Ryan Berenz 2009 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.