Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People Recap: Surviving The Lower 48

Alaskan Bush People RV

In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People special episode “Surviving the Lower 48,” to save the wolf pack from going stir crazy during Billy’s medical treatment, the family heeds the call of the wild and goes on an adventure even further into the Lower 48.

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

Alaskan Bush People Fake

Here we have what Our Dear Narrator refers to as a “lost episode.” This makes even less sense than that one episode made from “lost footage.” Park Slope sure does lose a lot of stuff. So they’re telling me that this episode was filmed and edited in its entirety, and then a box full of VHS tapes that contained this episode just fell of a Park Slope truck and was rediscovered at someone’s garage sale, where Park Slope paid $3 for the whole box even though it was easily worth $5.

The episode opens with Bear playing around with a cactus. I’d love to see him try to climb one. The pain would be EXXXTREME.

Then we’re treated to a bunch of stuff we already saw at the end of last season and in this season’s preview episode. After bidding farewell to Brownton Abbey, the Browns head down to Seattle, where they live in the luxurious Marco Polo Motel. The sign out front advertises its “Nice Rooms,” and, hell, one really has to admire how they undersell the place. (Fun fact!: The Marco Polo Motel is slightly famous for being one of the last places Kurt Cobain was seen alive.) The same guy who came up with the “Nice Rooms” marketing campaign is probably also responsible for the motel’s half-finished website full of Lorem Ipsum:

MarcoPoloMotel

Oh, the big, bad scary city! There are lots of noisy firetrucks racing to put out dumpster fires. The tap water is gross and doesn’t have any of that bear-piss flavor that you can only get from the creeks of the Alaskan Bush. Poor Bear is forced to run on treadmills, which are neither AWESOME nor EXXXTREME. And they all sit around in the motel room listening to Billy bitch and moan about popping pills and going to doctors appointments.

Then it’s time once again for Sentimental Journey With Billy & Ami. They take a walk to the harbor, where “Thirty years ago, Am and I started our adventure to Alaska from this very dock,” Billy says. He tells Ami that they’re going to take the family out on a road trip down the West Coast.

Billy shows up in the motel parking lot with a 33-year-old RV, which he acquired in the “best deal” he’s made since the Integrity.

ABPRV

What was the deal, exactly? Billy doesn’t say. Billy’s going to wait until the trip’s over to reveal which of his kids are now the property of Big Lou’s Pre-Owned RV Emporium.

The Browns shove off in the RV headed for Southern California, but a rainy night in Oregon forces the Browns to face A CRISIS THAT WILL CHANGE THE FUTURE OF THE FAMILY FOREVER! “I smell the radiator,” Bam says. Billy pulls off to the shoulder and they get out and check the engine. The radiator blew, and they’re claiming there’s a fire, though we don’t actually see one. Billy extinguishes the imaginary fire. (Does that count as work? I suppose.) Billy also tells his darned fool son Bear to stop standing in the freeway. A Good Samaritan, or maybe someone in the Park Slope production truck that’s been following them all the way, called for a tow truck.

The RV gets towed to M&M Auto Sales, where the unusually friendly staff let the Browns sleep in the scrapyard overnight. Bear gets to start a fire, and they can roast hot dogs. Space in the RV is limited, so Bear sleeps on the roof. Matt sleeps in a junked van, doing whatever it is people do in junked vans.

In the morning, Mickey [Update: Woah, Mickey], the owner of the scrapyard, gives Billy the bad news that the RV’s motor needs to be replaced and it’s going to take five days. Billy’s got to be back in Seattle for a doctors appointment, and they don’t have five days to sit around in rural Oregon. Not mentioned is how Billy could possibly pay for a replacement engine on a 33-year-old RV. Following the script, Mickey steps in with a generous solution. “I have a motorhome I don’t use,” Mickey says. “You can just take it and bring it back on your way back.” WHAT? Why are the Browns always running into people with a lot of expensive unused vehicles who are willing to lend them to a guy convicted of fraud? THAT IS BROWN LUCK!! Mickey’s had a few workers call in sick this week, and he’s behind on the car-crushing and metal-smashing work. So Mickey puts the Brown boys to work in the scrapyard, actually letting these nincompoops operate his heavy machinery. According to Our Dear Narrator, the Brown boys moved 50 tons of scrap in 10 hours. I wonder how Kenny will feel that Matt has been cheating on him with other scrapyards.

The Browns are truckin’ again, and in California, Billy stops at a ranch where the family can hunt wild pigs. Feral pigs are a menace in the South, and I’m sure they’re not welcome in California, either. Gabe, Matt and Birdy go hunting, and Matt shoots one of the hogs. Did a Brown actually shoot and kill something on the show? I can’t tell.

[DIGRESSION! This story is one of my favorites, and I can’t do it justice in writing, but I’ll try. My brother-in-law’s buddy Ty goes on trips to hunt wild pigs in the South. It’s basically a chance for a group of guys to get together with their guns and have fun shooting a nuisance species. Someone in Ty’s group shot and killed this enormous boar, and the guy was very excited. Their hunting guide, a stereotypical hillbilly, asks who shot it. The hunter proudly claimed responsibility. “Might as well kick that f*cker in the ditch,” the guide says, spitting out his tobacco juice. WHAT? Why? Everyone was confused. “It smells like piss. Not even the dogs will eat that thing.” Eh. Trust me, Ty tells the story so much better.]

Anyway, Gabe hangs the hog up and skins it, getting all nice and bloody in the process. They’re going to roast the pig on a spit. I’m not sure where they stored the carcass in the RV or where they acquired the spit, but that’s like pointing out a scratch on one of those junked cars the Brown boys smashed up.

The Browns stop in a desert area to set up camp, but first they’ve got to check for rattlesnakes. Bear, Birdy and Gabe spot one, and they get busy pestering and taunting it. Gabe gets down on all fours and starts mimicking it. Bear gets a big stick and scoots the snake away. I hope that snake comes back with 300 of his friends. Do the Browns even camp there? We don’t know, and it doesn’t matter.

In the interstitial, we find the Browns stuck in traffic. Bear is in AWE over the number of cars on the road and the number of people in them. “Every car has at least one person in it,” he says. And the cars in the carpool lane have at least TWO people in them! Someone get Bear one of those self-driving cars. I’m sure Google has one or two unused ones sitting around that Bear could borrow. Gabe is in awe of the traffic congestion. “There’s something up ahead stopping us, right? Car wreck? Moose crossing?” Gabe asks. Bear spots a Target store, and says, “Look! A giant bullseye!” Sure, Bear. Why don’t you shoot at it and see what happens?

The Browns finally arrive at the beach in San Diego. A few of them do a little swimming in the warm waters of the ocean, Birdy feeds the seagulls so they can crap all over someone’s Mercedes and Noah does his Bush Tai Chi on the beach to attract aspiring actress waitresses. Well, that was fun. So how do the Browns get back to Seattle, and what adventures do they have along the way? We’ll never know, because Park Slope lost that episode, too.

We’re treated to some scenes from upcoming episodes. Matt does something with tires again, Noah builds a Bush Security System with a motion-sensing light and a record player, and there are lots of Browns running around with guns like they’re defending against those imaginary guys who ran them out of Chitina way back in Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur? At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint occaecati cupiditate non provident, similique sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. Et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. Nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio cumque nihil impedit quo minus id quod maxime placeat facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. Temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.

60 Comments

  1. Wow! An outstanding commentary on what I’ve come to view as one of the quirkier comedy shows on TV at the moment… Well written and right on the money… it’s Wednesday evening now and I am just quivering with anticipation for the “new” upcoming episode of ABF on this Friday… grab yer notepads, set yer VCRs, and let’s see what’s happening at the zoo this time!

  2. David, thanks for voicing SO many of the same questions and sarcastic remarks that I have while watching the show. I cannot help screaming that kind of stuff at them!! I know it’s nuts, but at least it makes me feel a wee bit better. Great job, Ryan and David. I love it when you nail them for their BS!

  3. I can’t remember which of their episodes it was in but they have these little notes added on screen. The one that cracked me up was the one that said “Salt has been used as a fertilizer”…..hunh? I guess we now know why the bumbling Browns don’t have a garden. That little gem probably came out of Matt’s brain.

      • Um, no. The word epsom never appeared in the quote but aside from that epsom salts, while useful in the garden, are not considered a fertilizer per se they’re considered a treatment for various plant ills especially when plants are having trouble taking in nitrogen.

  4. Hey Ryan, do you know if it’s true that they are now in Juneau and did Matt really enter rehab this past week?

    • The Juneau thing is confirmed. I saw a photo of Bam, Birdy and Rainy waiting at the DMV (!) in Juneau. I don’t have credible evidence of Matt being in rehab. I also haven’t heard anything credible on the rumor of Ami being in a car accident in Juneau.

      • I can see now why Browns are trying to teach Raindrop how to drive..Billy’s seizures, Ami is apparently accident prone, Matt is drug prone, Bam can’t drive wearing shackles, Bear just runs, Birdbrain probably has vision restrictions, and Noah..well, ‘nough said!

        • According to Bear himself (on a twitter page supposedly set up for him by one of the camera crew), he’s repeatedly flunked the driving test. It wouldn’t surprise me if it were true…then again,, it wouldn’t surprise me if it were a lie, either!

          • Would we really want the dude who stands on the freeway – in the rain – in the dark – to be driving around? I mean, this is the guy who thinks it’s a major revelation that there are at least 1 person in each car on the freeway.

  5. Has anybody but me noticed that Discovery Channel no longer runs any credits after the end of the ABP episode? They used to have a Project Manager, a Construction Team, a Safety Team, and a Boat Captain all named. It also used to say ‘Filmed under special use permit on the (Hoonah Ranger District) Tongrass National Forest. Now there’s nothing.

    • Yes, Ryan was making fun of the Marco Polo Motel’s website where the Browns stayed at the beginning of the episode. The website was never finished and had Lorem Ipsum…
      (Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry’s standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book.)

      • This was the first time I had even heard of Lorem Ipsum…which is Latin. So, if nothing else, it added to the general knowledge that swims around in my brain. It is probably something I would have never needed to know…but, I didn’t need to know how to build a plastic wrap house either—or how not to keep bears from getting into my home, or how to live in the bush without really living in the bush, or how to not build a root cellar with a metal locker, etc. etc. 😉

  6. So we were never let in on what scamming Billy had in Seattle that he traded for the big rolling turd? Maybe the Albuterol & Spiriva inhalers? Spiriva is expensive……
    Aside from the multitude of bear crap that was this lost episode I did love when the junkyard man told Billy he had 5 strong sons, obviously this guy doesn’t realize Billy has 4 strong sons and a worthless POS in a top hat that is less a son than Birdy.
    I was waiting for Cal Naughton to come running up to the rolling fire turd yelling: “don’t let the imaginary fire burn my friend”
    I have to say that I will be greatly disappointed if Discovery cancels this show solely for the fact that there will be no more reviews from Ryan.

    • Beth, you have the eye of the eagle if you caught what meds Billy was taking. So does Billy have emphysema? Word on the street is that he smokes. Your Ricky Bobby reference is a beauty. And if DISC cancels ABP, you can always read my series of ABP fan fiction romance novels.

    • Brilliant Beth, absolutely correct! Noah is definately the most irritating and ironically uneducated one among all these bumbling neanderthals. Billys the laziest, Bears the dumbest, Bams the rudest, Gabes the nicest, Rains the most pretentious, Amis the crybaby, Matt is one of noahs bush guinea pigs after electric shock treatments and bird is just full on flippin crazy.

    • Offhand, the only independent witness of Billy Brown working that I can think of was the guy who accused Billy of stealing electricity for Billy’s Marijuana patch back before they hit the big time. So, is it illegal to trade pot grown in Alaska for an rv in Seattle? I mean it’s legal to grow in Alaska, and legal to have in Washington.

      Just kidding, I know the amounts involved would violate laws, as would interstate transport – but really, the idea makes more sense then the laws governing marijuana in either state as I understand them – but I guess that debate belongs on a different forum.

  7. I was just breezing the new for Alaskan Bush People like I do from time to time and I don’t remember it being this negative. It used to be puff pieces about the Browns with a few articles about if it is real or not. Now all of the top stories that come up in the news are basically calling ABP complete BS. There are locals in Hoonah coming out by name saying they are neighbors and spilling how they live in a hotel and don’t stay in Browntown unless they are filming. How the Twila angle was completely made up about not being in contact for 30 years. Basically all of the top stories in the news are slamming them for being fake. Of course we all knew this, just seemed like the media brushed it aside for the most part. The latest rating for June 3rd came out and the ABP held steady in the coveted 18-49 category at a 0.7, but total viewership slipped below 3 million for the first time I can remember (2.8). I just keep wondering if Discovery management isn’t gritting their teeth a bit with the balance between profits and brand image. Whether it is true or not Discovery still views themselves as having quality programming. ABP seems like it is becoming a poop sandwich for them that is getting harder and harder to want to swallow. When you are now losing the night to multiple reruns of Bob’s Burgers and Family Guy and there is a slew of reruns nipping at ABP’s heels it makes me wonder if we aren’t watching the last season. I highly doubt they would ever pull it mid-season barring a scandal (convictions for crimes obviously isn’t enough). I have been so wrong about this before so we will see.

    • I read that on Radaronline with the names of the residents of Hoonah also being celebrated on there FB discussion group. Now instead of all of us pointing out all the bs you have confirmed sources. Don’t know why it took so long? Another piece I read said that Discovery was looking in to buying another Boat with the Browns coming to the rescue of this Boat that is on fire. Well I believe this too but here you have no proof.Thank you Ryan and David for the recaps this one was all over the place on FB. I went to Alaskan Bush People Discovery FB. First thing I see is a video loop of Bear shimming up a palm tree. I started laughing as Ryan I recalled your remark that you wished Bear had climbed a cactus. I suppose there is no way to do a vid but perhaps photoshop of it? David if you went there and this is a fan page there are far more unfavorable comments then positive. Maybe Discovery can save money on another boat now and we will never see the staged boat on fire sinking.

      • Maybe in this season’s finale they can just burn the Integrity and just keep us guessing for eternity (or until a Brown gets arrested somewhere) whether they all perished because we all know, everything/everday is life or death and very EXXTREME for the Browns.

      • RadarOnline has been EXCLUSIVELY! reporting a lot of stuff that’s been known to us for a long time. There have been photos of the Browns at Icy Strait Lodge circulating for a while.

        I recommend avoiding the official ABP Facebook page. It’s all Discovery propaganda, weirdos and trolls. There are a few FB groups of smart, funny and creative people who expose and mock the fiction of ABP.

        For Henry, by request:
        Alaskan Bush People Bear Cactus

      • Radar online has been really bad about their EXCLUSIVE scoops on already known stuff.
        As far as that Facebook page I think I wandered over there a once or twice and it wasn’t funny of witty, more like the X Files and kind of dark and sinister. Definitely wasn’t for me. If I am going to waste a small sliver of my life on ABP people I at least want to laugh and make fun of it. The FB page was more like conspiracy theories.

    • Based on the crap-ton of ancillary shows and reruns they air, even the leftovers and table scraps of the ABP poop sandwich are fine dining for Discovery.

      I am a little peeved with some of the news sites who are late to the game on ABP and touting their EXCLUSIVE! reports of things we’ve all known about for over a year.

      • That’s what I mentioned on the discussion page that radaronline had already reported on the ABP. The difference was I was told and it did say that the two locals are identified. Well I am skeptic he was convicted for Christ sake. Thanks that is pick is a award winner. Now all day long that song Werewolf of London is going to be playing in my head. Dammit that’s a lot of AAaaaHhhhOOOOOOOoooooss going off. Oh I forgot this is what was discussed on the Hoonah FB. Enjoying other reviews here also so some good always comes out from reading.

      • Sadly Ryan I think you are probably 100% correct on Discovery wanting to milk every last drop out of ABP to the very bloody end. They probably look at this as even bad press is still press. Actually I don’t even know what I was thinking about a television network caring about the quality of programming over ratings and advertising dollars.

    • David I get confused but are you talking about the new season as they are right now filming or what’s left from what they already did? It seems that they haven’t started yet but are probably going to start filming again.

      • I was just talking about this season showing on TV. Since summer has just started in Alaska I guess it is time for them to start filming again. Unless I read some crazy headline about them to make me want to tune in I am going to try to make it through this season and call it a day. No friggin way I am sticking around for another season. This show is so stale at this point.

  8. Oy vay…can this “show” get any more irritating? Wait…never mind…I’m sure it can. I don’t even know what to point out first. Okay, yeah I do. We need no more proof that BillyBullshit is full of it than the fact that he was behind the wheel of a vehicle even though he suffers from debilitating seizures. If we believe the “diagnosis”, not only did he put his family in danger, but everybody else in that traffic jam as well. Where does the liability for THAT fall? As far as Bear pointing out that there’s “at least one person in every vehicle” on the freeway…well, it’s been said before…he’s an idiot. I can no longer tolerate Matt’s maniacal laughter. As was said before…he too, is an idiot. What’s gotten under my craw since the beginning is the way Gabe & Bear over-enunciate their words. As I’ve said in the past, they don’t have an “accent”…it’s a speech impediment. Ami is looking worse and worse with every episode. The new teeth don’t help much. Something that always bothered me about her was the amount of bling on her fingers. How can one who resides in the bush afford that? More importantly, what did she “barter” for those jewels…? Noah is at least as annoying as Matt and as much of a tool as the old man. And for God’s sake, will someone give him a laxative already? Please? He sounds like he’s been blocked up at least since the beginning of this (reality show) fiasco. I’d like to see someone with a patent beat his ass for claiming he’s invented something that someone else already invented. I can’t even think of anything clever to say about these people anymore. Like this show, I’m running out of steam. I’m not even sure why we all torture ourselves every week watching this crap…except for the awesome recap we get to read when it’s all over. But will it ever really be “over”…? I guess as long as they’re in the public eye, we have some idea of where they are and what they’re up to. The last thing anyone needs is to be surprised that the Brown’s have moved into their neighborhood…Oh! The horror…

    • There really is no logically reason why we continue to watch this. Ryan’s recaps are funny, but it isn’t necessary to watch the show in order to read them. Over the season I have skipped many episodes. Then on top of that it is so repetitive it really almost discourages you further to tune in. I will see how far I make it this season. No way in @#$% I am ever watching after this season if I even make it that far.

  9. “Shitter’s full” one of my all time favorites and a line EVERYONE used EVERY time they exited our RV bathroom (which, by the way, was just a smaller version of the piece of #×%* Browns “bartered” for). And, I guarentee no tow truck is comining out at night, in the rain, as a good samaritan, to tow a class a RV for free.
    I wonder what lowly employee had to rustle up that rattlesnake for the Browns to tease. They seemed pretty at ease messing with that snake…must have gained some experience in Texas. Same with the hogs, feral hogs in Texas are a huge problem and ranchers are so desperate, they would probably let even those imbeciles hunt them on their property.
    I’m pretty convinced there is some drug use going on, example: Bear standing like a deer in the headlights on the highway. But then again, if I had the “Brown luck”, I guess I might just walk out into traffic, too. I’ve counted three different leather jackets and a pair of leather pants that Bear wears. Did he join a biker gang?
    Another great review, Mr. Berenz!

    • I read somewhere that the rumor is Matt is in drug or alcohol rehab but it is being hushed up. I said last week that it seems more and more like Matt during his interviews is not acting right beyond his normal off his rocker self. Something just didn’t seem right.
      Bear practically standing in traffic was a bit disturbing also. I-5 is a super busy freeway and where they were is 4 lanes in each direction of constant traffic to and from metro Portland. Nothing about it seemed staged. It seemed more like a death wish or just no idea to your surroundings.

      • Yes this came to my attention in a FB discussion group that he’s been in and out of recovery since he was a teen and has gone back in for rehab. If this is true all he is doing is taking a vacation to get clean and then do it all over again. I hate saying that but that’s what I did. I have been drug free and sober since 1991. I do wish him well but rehabs are just vacations.

    • Thanks, Skiffy! I missed the leather pants. Bear might be joining a biker gang. The saw blades in his sleeves would come in handy during a rumble.

      • Maybe Bear is looking to the future (near future) when ABP gets cancelled and will try to cross over to Norman Reedus’s new show.

        • Bear is so exxxxtremme he does not even ride a bike, he just rolls down the highway after Norman.

  10. I keep thinking “it can’t get any worse” then this episode. I don’t even know where to begin, but many of the points have been covered already. For example: where did they store a hog carcass in that mini rv? Noah on the beach in that overcoat and cane..ugh.

    This is getting tough to watch. But, come Friday I’ll be doing the same…and laughing out loud while reading the Twitter posts.

    • You are completely right on the pig carcass. Where were they possibly going to store all that meat? The fridge in an RV of that size is about the size of a shoebox.

  11. “Best deal I’ve made on an RV with a bad engine since the last sucker I sold one to hehe” said Big Lou. Buying a 33 year old RV to take on a 2600+ mile round trip and having it break down isn’t Brown luck. It’s just stupidity no matter who you are.
    Why did they go all the way to San Diego? I know. The residents of LA told them they were too freaky even for them so Ponch and Jon told them to keep on rolling!
    This episode finally put me in the same boat as David. I’m done and just want it to be over. It’s an hour I’ll never get back. Even my teenager knows this is all bs. Idiots! They’re all just idiots (except maybe Bam)!

    • At this point I dread this show so much with all the made up ridiculousness, repetitive, lacking direction and just general awfulness. It is like a challenge at this point to will myself to get to the end. It is like a really awful movie that you know isn’t going to get better but you feel guilty because you paid money. I have made it this far so I am going to try not to give up now even though there is no reason on earth to continue watching. I will not beat me Browns!

  12. Ryan, what is the deal with Billy at the helm of the R.V.? Should someone that is being treated for passing out be driving in the lower 48 (or anywhere)?

    • You are 100% right in a person with a seizure disorder that is on heavy medication and being actively treated by doctors shouldn’t be operating a motor vehicle. Good catch there. On the other hand there is exactly zero evidence that there is anything wrong with Billy at all. In fact I will file this under further evidence that the whole he is sick angle is a load of BS like everything on this show. His illness sure did work out well to have an excuse to not have to winter in Alaska and a reason why he shouldn’t be in prison.

  13. Ryan, what is the deal with the Billy driving the R.V.? Should someone that is being treated for passing out be on the road in the lower 48 (or anywhere)?

    • Yep, it’s always a good idea to put a seizure-prone, heavily medicated guy behind the wheel of a large vehicle for an extended road trip with nine people and a dog.

  14. OH, and what about Billy and his “seizures” and why is he shown driving the RV most of the time? He never said the “seizures” were under control or that the doctors said it was okay to drive or operate a boat—but, there he is—driving. Do the others not have licenses? Only Bam was shown driving the RV, other than Billy. Why are these grown children letting “daddy” drive while they sit in the back and wonder if they are there yet? One of the “kids” actually asked that question—not sure who, but I think it was Bear. Bear is an idiot.

  15. Where to begin? First, it was so heart-warming that the Browns ran into that “one helpful person” living in the lower 48 who assisted them when their RV broke down. I have been wondering where that one person was because, as Billy points out, all other helpful people only live in Alaska. However, as a native Oregonian, I wasn’t surprised to learn that the “one helpful person” was from Oregon.

    I no longer need to wonder if Bear is putting us on—his almost foray into the freeway traffic on I-5, in the rain, at night spoke volumes—he is an idiot!

    Marco Polo Hotel: Really? Matt was complaining about sleeping in a bathtub? C’mon. The guy allegedly sleeps under a log, in a plastic wrap “house” or with tires. What’s a bathtub by comparison? Further, the floor was available or they could have gotten another room or a roll-a-way bed. What baloney! He and Bear are both idiots.

    I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think the Browns’ rescue from the freeway by M&M towing and the subsequent “here’s a new RV you can borrow” deal was mere chance. *wink* And was that NOAH supposedly “working” in one of the big machines in the junkyard? Wonder how long that lasted? Is anyone but me tired of Noah’s pirate shirt, long coat and top hat? Noah dresses like an idiot—Bear and Matt are idiots.

    Wild pig shoot-out: For some inexplicable reason, the 3 hunters felt compelled to cover themselves with mud to go after the pigs…but maybe, on second thought, there is something apropos about that….Anyway, once again, Birdy was the one who slapped on the most mud—just like when they were deer “hunting” up on that mountain back in Brown Town. Why she always wants to look the dirtiest is beyond me. Dirty, but not an idiot.

    • I’m from Oregon, too, and when I saw the teaser about them being stranded in Oregon on their way to California, I had to look up the tow company…which is located in WOODBURN…NOWHERE near the Oregon coast. If you were going on a sightseeing trip, you would take the 101 South…if you were going to Portland, (which you wouldn’t do unless you had a reason…like maybe going to the airport) then I can see going 5 South into California…but whatever…this show is so fake I just sit back and laugh at them…seriously, people are so dumb to believe this stuff…lol

  16. I see the title of this week’s episode is “Surviving the lower 48”. I can only hope that this episode will have something interesting, but at the same time my crap-o-meter is going off the charts. ABP always disappoints so the bar is pretty darn low. Here goes…
    Just as I suspected in our preview I can tell we are going to play this with the golly oh shucks this modern world is so weird to us storyline when it is well documented they live in the states in modern society. I also see later in the season we have burry night vision with a gunshot heard in the night and the Browns running out with rifles. Wow, we are replaying that season one storyline again? Since nothing was reported in the police blotter in SE Alaska we obviously already know nothing ever happened. No matter how low the bar is ABP can always seem to get below it with ease. It is like ABP are the world limbo champs.
    I cannot believe our narrator can still say “after living the bush for 30 years” without breaking into laughter as I do every time. As I suspected the buildup to the Browns leaving for Seattle is past nauseating. We don’t know how we can survive modern society… Blah Blah Blah. As a side note I would never go down the road of humor when it comes to somebody ill health. The Browns and this show lie about absolutely everything. We have never seen Billy in an actual hospital or with an actual medical professional. It is always the camera shot of the outside of a hospital and then them talking about it afterward. So all this being said until I see something otherwise I am treating Billy Brown Syndrome as a complete fabrication and humor will ensue. Billy is such a fame whore that he uses his health to his advantage whenever he likes in situations like… getting out of work, going back to the hotel to put his feet up and watch television so he doesn’t have to stand outside and film and last but not least trying to get out of jail time. As they are leaving to go to Seattle Billy looks absolutely fine to me. Same as he looked fine after his medical emergency. Also why does the whole family have to go to Seattle? He isn’t having surgery or anything. Looks to me like the whole family is goofing off and just going on vacation by the preview. Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense for just Billy and Ami to go rather than the expense of the whole family? Plus it would stop the ISIS style attack of the bears on Browntown.
    The screen went black and I see a scene of Seattle and we are told it is two months later. What happened in those two months? Wouldn’t Billy Brown Syndrome mean you would rush to Seattle? This makes zero sense to me. Ahhh, we are told that he has been in Seattle for two months receiving treatment. Guess it didn’t make for good TV, or it never even happened. Take your pick on that one but I know which way I am leaning. Seattle isn’t the bush and we are fish out of water… blah blah blah. I did catch Birdie filming Bear running on the treadmill in the background for a quick second. Hmmm, funny how she has a modern smartphone and seems to know exactly how to use it. Maybe Noah invented the bush smartphone and cell tower back at Browntown but they missed showing us that because we were too busy seeing him invent electrified moss and heart warmers. Gabe and Rainy gaging on tap water is head shaking. Guess in their house in Texas they had bottled water delivered or Ami bought Fiji bottled water for them. Billy tells us how all day he has a regiment of doctors performing tests on him, yet all we see is him sitting in the hotel room. Seems like that would be something you would show on TV. Billy worries about the kids fawning over him all day when I haven’t seen one shot yet of them even in the same room. He worries about them not being in Browntown. Then why are they even there?
    Billy weaves his fairy tale about how they all took their boat from Seattle to Alaska to start their adventure. Funny how in his other interviews he says how they were dropped off on Mossman Island and were stranded because they didn’t have a boat. Then in a real highlight for me Billy tells us life in Browntown was an honest way to live. I guess the Alaska Court System will disagree with that assessment.
    Guess according to Billy the family is headed down to southern California for a week until the fake test results from the made up hospital for the sickness Billy doesn’t have come back. Magically Billy makes a deal for an older RV to take the road trip in. Who knew the fine people of Seattle were wanting rotting Alaska salmon in exchange for their things. I see Noah fiddling with the wring on the RV. Guess that means there is a 50% chance the RV burns to the ground before they hit the Oregon border. They stress how they have to be back in a week. So Seattle to San Diego is about 1,300 miles. In an older RV we are probably talking two days each way. So that gives them three days in southern Cal. Let’s see if this timeline works out. You would never want to miss a fake appointment with Dr. Seuss. I see when they are entering Vancouver WA the skies are slightly overcast but when they get to Portland it is dark clouds and pouring rain. For those of you scoring at home kids, it is 10 miles from Vancouver to Portland. Pretty fast moving storm I would say. As we go to commercial we are led to believe there is a fire. Oh no! Will anybody survive?
    All the people in the Twisted Tea and Sea Doo commercials sure do look like they are having way more fun than I am right now. Course so is somebody getting a root canal. On the bright side I get a one week reprieve from having to look at the dump they call Browntown.
    And we are back! After having to review everything we have already seen Billy gets the fire extinguisher and put the fire out. Ok, my BS meter went defcon 5 on this one. First Billy explains that he removed the cowling from the inside of the RV in order to put the fire out because he couldn’t reach it from the outside. Now how he knew that I will never know because Billy never got under the RV to even look in the first place. In fact the boys were looking under the front and it shows Billy was inside the RV the whole time. Then removing the cowling takes time. They have usually four latches holding them down and they are a pain in the rumpus to get them removed and out of your way. Then the cowling has to be lifted up in a certain way and they are usually quite heavy because they are built to keep you and the engine apart and have insulation on the inside. There is no way Billy took this off in the few seconds they portrayed. I know this because I have a conversion van sitting out in my driveway right now that has one and I sold a 1974 Pace Arrow last year that had this same cowling system. I would say a couple of minutes to get it off if you were quick. More than enough time to film the whole thing. Then we cut to a shot of Billy holding the fire extinguisher over the engine and him saying… “I got it!”. Except for the fact that nothing comes out of the fire extinguisher, there is zero residue of any kind on the engine and there is no sign of smoke or fire. It is only after he pulls away you see some smoke waft up from below. Also in the shot you can see the air is perfectly clear as Billy does this but as they cut away for the interview then cut back the whole RV is filled with smoke and they all have to evacuate the vehicle. Also Bam smelled radiator smoke but in fact the area of the fire was much closer to the carb and the top of the engine. Nowhere near the radiator. This scene should be shown in filmmaking school as everything not to do in editing. Also didn’t I foreshadow perfectly that trouble was ahead when Noah was fiddling with the wiring? I told you so. They stand there beside the freeway not knowing what to do. Guess they let their AAA membership lapse. Finally a tow truck is called. Billy says that he is glad people cared. No Billy, you are a road hazard and somebody is going to get hurt so they want your sorry butt off their freeway. Billy asks if they can stay in the RV for the night because they don’t have any place to go. The Browns can afford multiple motel rooms in Seattle for months on end but we are led to believe they have no way to pay for anything now for the night (eye rolls). Of course they are allowed to build a fire in the tow yard parking lot and have a cookout (sure there are no liability issues there). Billy says it smells like home. Guess that means there must be yellow paint on the grill. Of course this turns into a heartwarming family get together. Despite the electrical fire we see they are inside using the lights in the RV. Funny how that works. Despite that motorhome looking like it could sleep everybody we are told otherwise and four of the boys sleep elsewhere. Not sure of the point of buying a big motorhome and only having five people sleep in it. Why not just buy a passenger van and stay in a motel like you have been doing for the last two months?
    In the morning we are told the RV ran great for 15 minutes then the motor froze up. Seems weird. Billy tells us this is Brown luck. Why don’t you try looking at your temp gauge you useless jackhole and pull over when you see you are running hot rather than starting a fire and totaling the motor. It has nothing to do with luck but having common sense. Sheesh! OMG, now we are led to believe the owner has a spare RV the Browns can just use for free until theirs is done. YEA RIGHT! Also an older motorhome like the Browns bartered for probably has a 454 engine it or something similar. If they need a new engine plus labor I am sure they are looking at an easy $5,000 and probably more for the repair. I am sure the Browns who couldn’t afford a motel last night have that sitting in the change jar. Now we see the motorhome they can borrow and it looks practically brand new and probably in the 50-70K range. Of course somebody would let these flea bags just borrow it. We learn that of course they have a barter for the boys to work it off with manual labor. Sigh. If Shrek walked around the corner in the scene right now I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. I have never seen so much made up crap in my whole life. Billy tells us all about bartering in the bush and it is how everybody does it. No they don’t Billy. Here in Fairbanks we are the commercial hub for all of the northern and western Alaskan communities (basically the bush). They come here for all of their essentials. In fact some of the big grocery stores up here have special departments that cater to bush deliveries and will box everything up and even drive it to the airport. I can assure you money changes hands and nobody is cleaning out any chicken coops for their goods. Billy tells us when you agree to this your word is good. No Billy, there is no way in $#@% that an Alaskan will take your word for anything after the PFD fraud conviction. Your name is mud buddy. As part of the barter they are asked if they can run heavy equipment. Well of course they can! We find out they are expert operators of excavators, backhoes and forklifts. You guys grew up wild and never saw anything from modern society and now you are experienced operators of heavy equipment. Bam the voice of reason is concerned they might mess up one of the machines. You would think the owner would have the same concern. Apparently not. I do have some experience in running some heavy equipment and the learning curve is pretty high at first. Of course they hop right in and go for it. Kind of like this whole thing was staged but we know a fine outfit like Discovery Channel who prides themselves in their high quality programming would never do that to us. I like the guy sitting off to the side of Gabe explaining to him what to do rather than just do it himself in I am sure 1/10 the time. Makes perfect sense to me.
    After what we are led to believe is 10 hours the Browns have completed the barter and are on their way in the morning. I noticed they are on a two lane road in the farm land rather than on I-5 which is the fastest way to southern California. So much for being in a rush. We are told by Billy that there are no pigs in Alaska while on their way to a pig hunt. BS! I know a number of people right here in Fairbanks that raise them including my family for years. Oh this show. Matt tells us how he is sick of fast food and misses home where he just go out and hunt. Of course we all know this is a complete fabrication as they have no valid hunting licenses, but whatever Matt. On the pig hunt of course the Browns have to wipe mud all over themselves. I have never seen any other hunter do this. First we are told they have no idea about hunting boars or in the lower 48 and in the next breath Matt is telling us all of the details of when is best to shoot them. He sure gained knowledge quick somehow. Must be that magic mud. BTW, why did Matt just spread mud on half his face? After they shoot the pig it looks like Gabe is shown gutting the pig, but of course he had no blood on his hands. Then back at camp the pig isn’t gutted. No shockers there as this is an ABP staple. Ami tells us that after the pig hunt she hopes the Browns bad luck has finally turned. You mean like getting an RV in Seattle for probably a handful of magic beans, then getting a free brand new engine installed in it all the while you get a free brand new RV to use? You mean like that bad luck? All the while going on national television and lying to America while getting paid to do so and not having to go to jail after your family committed 40 felonies and should have spent years behind bars but go a slap on the wrist. Is that the kind of bad luck you are talking about Ami? Bear tells us that he has never been to a desert environment before, while he basically describes what it is like in Texas. Irony! Billy says the last thing they are looking to have happen is to get bitten by a snake while we see the kids poking sticks in holes and turning over stuff, kind of exactly where you would expect to find a snake. Then the idiot savants find a snake and basically taunt it at close range with sticks. Now that they got that pointless excursion out of the way they are back on the road. Browns are in a traffic jam and this is nothing like the bush… blah blah blah. Again… live in Texas, not the bush. I noticed they kept blurring the radio out. Wondering what they were listening to we weren’t allowed to see? Maybe it was the radio station threatening legal action if their name is in any way associated with this travesty. Billy is wondering how the kids will react to the beach, despite the fact that Browntown is on the ocean and they have been ocean fisherman for 30 years. Wow, two minutes left and it’s the first time Noah has spoken or barely been seen. I doubt he really wants to be on this show. Billy tells us the greatest reward a Dad can have is seeing his kids run free on the beach. I actually think the greatest reward as a Dad was seeing our son have success by going to college, then on to the USAF and having the start of a great career all while being happy. Billy and I see things just a bit differently. My DVR kicked off before it got to the previews at the end. I was so looking forward to seeing the gunshots in the night and the family running out with weapons drawn like Rambo to show how bad ass they are. Ughhh. Probably for the best as I have written way too much anyway.

    • I came back to read again. It’s too damn good! A hell of a lot better than what they call a show. Well done again David.

  17. Busted a gut laughing at Matt and his hair, because he looks just like “Side Show Bob”! His babbling diatribe was the only highlight for me. Now, I need to know how the Browns (in five days) can get a vehicle; break down overnight (one day shot); drive to the desert and hunt (another day shot); frolic at the beach in San Diego, while at the same time get tatoos and visit the Twisted Kilt (has to be at least two more days); and then haul their collective selves back to get the old [hopefully repaired] RV (another day?), and then drive back for the doctor’s appointment on time? I can hardly wait for this season to end – and hopefully be the last season of the Browns!

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About Ryan Berenz 2012 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.