Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People recap: Growing the Wolfpack

Ryan Berenz

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

In Season 4, Episode 4 of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, “Growing the Wolfpack” (May 27), the Browns take advantage of an early spring to make progress on unfinished business. But a visitor from Billy’s distant past brings potential to undermine the future of Browntown and what means to be a member of the wolfpack.

 

Spring has come early to Chicago Bears Island. The Good Lord and drastic climate change have given the Browns an opportunity to catch up on various chores and projects that were neglected over the winter. This is good, because Brownton Abbey looks even more like a dump than usual.

First order of business, Matt has to clean the dead squirrel parts out of his house. Birdy’s cats, when they’re not getting lost or wedged between boat hulls, like to brutalize small woodland creatures.

[I realize it’s way too early in the recap for a digression, but DIGRESSION! A few years ago, a rabbit nested in our yard and had a kit of about five bunnies. This is a pain in the ass, as any homeowner knows. On more than one occasion, a rabbit chewed through the cables of my landscape lights while digging a hole. Not only did I have to worry about mulching bunnies with the lawnmower, I had to keep our dog from spazzing out every time he went outside. One night, I rescued about three of the bunnies who got stuck in a window well. The following night, my dog was very interested in smelling something in the yard. After much closer inspection with a flashlight, I discovered that it was a freshly decapitated bunny torso. At the back of the yard I could see the pointy-eared ghostly black cat with its two bright glossy eyes staring back at me. The rabbits were gone after that.]

Matt’s second order of business is to build the all-important Bush Telephone. It consists of some plastic tubing, some funnels and some wind chimes. Matt is very excited about this, because he’s a 5-year-old. Bam arrives and delivers the hard truth to Matt that this idea is terrible.

Bear decides to resume construction on his treehouse, saying he’s going to build it “as fast and as EXXXTREME as possible.” He ties his rope into what he calls AWESOME Knots, Overkill Knots and EXXXTREME Overkill Knots. All would make good names for metal bands. Bear explains how he’s building his treehouse in the style of the old trapper shacks. No, I don’t really care about that, either.

On the subject of dead woodland creatures, Noah is in his workshop. He’s sniffing glue, then using it to make Bush Hand Warmers by putting super glue in plastic tubes and mixing it with alcohol. Super Glue, or cyanoacrylate, produces exothermic reactions with a lot of different substances. I recommend going to Home Depot to buy all the components in large quantities, then sit at home and wait for the SWAT team to show up. Noah’s working on the crucial Bush Hand Warmers project because spring is arriving but WINTER’S RIGHT THERE!!

Gabe and Bam go to Hoonah to take care of some unfinished business with a dude named Trapper (not the M*A*S*H character). Bam’s carrying a large wooden fishing gaff, and I wonder if Trapper will be sleeping with the fishes tonight. But alas, Bam and Gabe are only there to help Trapper catch some king salmon. Back in the day, Billy bought a boat, fixed it up and then learned it was stolen from Trapper. Billy returned it to Trapper, and they’ve been Bush Buddies ever since. “You don’t meet that kind of people with that kind of integrity,” Trapper says about the guy who was just convicted for fraud. Notice all these Bush folks offering glowing testimonials of Billy’s honesty this season? Some people will say any kind of crap just to get on TV.

Ami and Billy go on one of their walks, which always means some serious doin’s are transpirin’. This would be so much more dramatic if they didn’t already promo the Billy’s Long-Lost Daughter storyline to death all season. Billy gathers the Browns around the fire to discuss Twila, Billy’s first daughter from his previous marriage. Everyone in the family already knows of Twila’s existence, so it’s not the bombshell we might have expected. Twila is now 44 and lives in Texas. After 30 years without any contact, Twila reached out and found Billy. (More on that later.) Now Twila’s coming up to Brownton Abbey to visit, and all the Browns act as though she’s coming to live there permanently, like this is something that’s going to ROCK THE VERY ESSENCE OF THE WOLFPACK TO ITS CORE.

Matt wants to honor the occasion with a Bush Barbecue, and he needs to find a grill. He visits Kenny (or the apparition of Kenny’s specter) at the Hoonah junkyard to find a metal grate to use as a cooking surface. “I think the reason that I love a good dump, is because of all the stuff that’s here,” Matt says, then everyone starts giggling. “I love a good dump!” Matt doesn’t find a metal grate for the grill, but he still finds a few random objects of use. “Straight from the Good Lord to the dump,” Matt says. “Ask and He shall provide!” rejoices Kenny. May the Good Lord bless your eternal soul, Kenny.

Back at Brownton Abbey, Bear is trying to turn himself into Batman by mangling a motorcycle jacket and installing saw blades into the sleeves. I do not need to express to you how impractical and pointless this is. Bear goes around slashing haphazardly at sticks. He calls himself Danger Boy, and Bam is Captain Respect the Danger. Danger Boy thinks he can “Decapitate a fish in one slash!” I like how Bam has become this show’s straight man, showing up just to tell everyone that their ideas are the worst. This is also why I am Team Bam. There is no way someone could wear Bear’s jacket without lacerating a kidney, but Danger Boy defends his innovation. “There are more EXXXTREME uses for it, like the fact that I look really cool with the blades coming off my arms.” Whatever. By now, nothing should surprise us.

So why did Billy leave his daughters (yep, there are two of them) way back when? “I was pretty much ushered out,” he says. “I wanted to leave Texas and take Twila with me. But it was made very clear that was not an option.” Well, that explains nothing. After leaving Texas, Billy roamed around Mexico, lighting campfires and listening to music boxes.

Bear hasn’t done enough B.S. already, so he and Gabe assemble the mechanical bull “bucking barrel” thing that we already saw in the season preview episode. “It’s going to make an AWESOME addition to Browntown,” Bear says, even though we’ll never see it in use again after this episode. They foresee lots of barrel bull-riding dates with girls. I foresee concussions, and appendages caught in those springs.

Rainy and Birdy have a conversation using Bush Sign Language while Birdy cleans her rifle. The subtitles give us an elaborate translation of what I’m sure are just a bunch of random gestures or signs stolen from the San Diego Padres.

Matt didn’t get a metal grate at Kenny’s junkyard. In fact, the journey was totally unnecessary. Matt already had a diamond metal grate window in his house to use as protection in the event of a zombie apocalypse. The Browns couldn’t keep a bear from ravaging their houses, so I’m pretty sure they’d be no match for legions of the undead. Still, the Browns would stand a much better chance than I would. I don’t even have a fishing gaff. But let’s save the discussion of Brownton Abbey vs. The Walking Dead for another time, or for an entirely new genre of ABP fan fiction.

The moment has finally arrived. Twila steps off the floatplane and … hey, is that Bret Michaels? Twila seems nice enough. She doesn’t say much, nor does she seem all that impressed with Brownton Abbey. She basically acts like every date one of the Brown boys have brought in. Billy shows Twila all the stupid stuff Matt’s built, such as his failed Hobbit hole. “He’s kind of like a dumb Yoda,” Bam says. Bam is totally en fuego with the zingers in this episode.

Speaking of Dumb Yoda, Matt’s cooking up Bush Ribs on his zombie-proof grill. He’s putting together a marinade consisting of what appears to be barbecue sauce and some spruce tips, kelp and sea water. Matt takes a swig of the sea water. “It tastes like the sea, but in your mouth.” Maybe Noah can rig up a Bush Dialysis Machine when Matt’s kidneys shut down.

Now comes the part of this recap that I’ve dreaded. You guys know how much I hate the parts of this show that I can’t make fun of. We know about Billy’s family dying in a plane crash, but Twila’s been through a pretty rough patch in life, too. “That catalyst for me wanting to know my family and wanting to know Billy Brown is my daughter passing,” she says. She was the only survivor of a truck accident that killed her 14-year-old daughter and Twila’s friend. Twila has another daughter that Billy hopes to meet and convert to the Brown Way.

Ami takes Twila out for a little heart-to-heart girl talk and shootin’ at the firing range. Twila lives in Texas but claims she has never shot guns before. IS THERE NO END TO THIS SHOW’S DECEIT?

And like that, Twila is back on a floatplane and headed back to the Lower 48. Maybe we’ll see Twila back in the Bush someday. “And who knows? We might go visit her,” Billy says. Eh. My guess is they already have.

So let us face the facts. Twila is Twila Byars. Clearly she’s been in contact with the Browns since at least 2011. Her travels to Southern California posted on Facebook late last year coincide with reports of the Browns also being there. So this heartwarming reunion between father and daughter as it is presented on this show is a fabrication. Dadgumit.

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Next week, the Browns are back at it, trying to move some kind of a shack “until an accident ROCKS THE FAMILY TO ITS FOUNDATION.” Yes, the Browns will have to face the unimaginable prospect of Billy being unable to do work.

110 Comments

  1. David, I wonder if you can answer a question that’s been haunting me for a while now. Towards the end of last season the boys go on their first hauling job alone. A “Blow” is headed there way and of course they are having engine trouble with the Integrity. Bam states when “he was a kid they got caught in a Hurricane and were shipwrecked”.
    How many times in the last 30yrs. did Alaska get hit by a Hurricane? I’m aware of remnants of hurricanes that were downgraded to tropical storms, but no hurricanes.
    I also hear Bam state when he was 3yrs old he freaked out seeing a car for the first time.
    I find that hard to believe. Normally, when a child sees something for the very first time their reaction is one of curiosity and not fear. And according to Billy and Ami, they lived on a boat for several years when the kids were born. So after growing up on a boat and seeing other boats of different shapes and sizes we are to believe he freaked out when seeing a car?
    I thought of another question after what I wrote above. On one of their money losing hauling jobs the Integrity breaks down and leaves them a drift. As they wait for help to arrive we see the boys getting seasick. I also find that hard to believe. A person living on a boat for many years, would not get seasick. It just doesn’t happen. The only people who get seasick are the ones not use to the rocking motion of the boat, but it doesn’t last long. Now I recall a previous episode when Ami and some of the boys get seasick. Was this addressed in previous recaps? I realize I’m putting way to much thought into this, but I can’t help not to point out some inconsistencies. Thanks, Marcus.

    • Hi there Marcus. Lets see if I can be of some help.
      As a rule Alaska doesn’t get hit by hurricanes. Technically the Pacific is Typhoons and not Hurricanes but for practical purposes they are the same thing. Any of these storms hitting Alaska would be incredibly rare. I don’t know of any but I read one got within 300 miles of Juneau in 1975. Major reason for this is these storms are fed by warm water. Alaska is in the northern Pacific and the water is pretty cold. So these storms loose most of their steam by the time they get to us. Not that Alaska waters don’t get stormy because they do get bad especially on the west coast toward the Bering Sea. These just aren’t hurricanes.
      Don’t believe all the hooey about the Browns growing up on fishing boats in SE Alaska. It never happened. Honestly, do these people ever seem like they know how to operate or work on a boat in any way? They can’t even dock a boat in good weather without it being a life or death event every time. The fishing community is pretty tight nit and nobody has ever vouched for their story while others have said they never saw Billy operate anything except for a few odd jobs for a week or so. As far as the seasick part almost all people get over it after a while. If not then they aren’t going to be cut out for a life on the sea.
      I also don’t believe the car story for a second. These people never lived in the bush and when they did even live in Alaska they lived in towns where vehicles are common place.

      • On an episode of Deadliest Catch Sig Hanson stated he and his brother Edgar still get seasick at the start of some trips. So this might be one story Browns aren’t fabricating.

        • I doubt the Browns are faking sea sickness for a second. They seem to have very little boat experience so I am sure they do get sea sick. The crud about them all being captains and growing up on boats is the completely fake part.

  2. Oh where to begin? Wait, I know!! Hoonah’s actual dump is cleaner and more organized than Browntown. Their “forever” site is disgusting!! They should be thankful that only the bears are there and not the DEA and e-coli.
    I used to live in the bush for many years and now call a rural area, outside of Fairbanks my home. As the snow melted this spring I was of course obsessed with needing to create a bush telephone so that I could jingle my husband and just chat while we worked on various projects around the property.
    I hated to disturb my beloved while he dragged an old drum from the dump and made a “mechanical” bull. We don’t have any children but I am sure our rural neighbors will send their offspring over to our place when they see a metal barrel with spikes sticking out of it for their kids to ride.
    After seeing Bird and Rain communicate in sign language I felt sad. At one time the Browns said they were fluent in American Sign Language and I worked with the hearing impaired a lifetime ago. My skills are rusty but I have been able to communicate with people who are deaf and imagine my dismay when I had zero idea what those girls were saying. I rummaged through some bins where I keep a few valued text books and was relieved to realize that all they were doing was waving their hands and arms. Whew!
    On to Noah. Chores be damned……I was on the edge of my seat watching how he invented handwarmers! And to think that if I, or my husband, fell through the ice while mushing or setting traps, all we would need is to hold one of these miracle tubes to our chest and our life would be saved. It would not matter that is was 30 or 40 or 50 below and my clothes were freezing on my body. Just one little tube placed in my bra and I would survive! No frostbitten hands or toes. And I just saved us some money by not buying those silly hand warmers by the box on Amazon!!
    Next is jealousy. I have been envious of Ami’s magic bowl since the first season. I mean, she whipped up a belly-filling meal for 9 people with one egg, two potatoes and some spam – all ingredients in that plastic bowl. Now she has magic firearms. She starts to show a revolver (which BTW seems to practically jump out of her hands on the recoil) and then it changes into a semi-automatic. Now how cool is that! Think about the ramifications. There she is, on her special morning strolls with her disgusting husband, and a giant grizzly shows up. She pulls out the trusty revolver and tosses it to Billy. But wait! As it sores through the air it changes into a high-powered rifle and he calmly levels the firearm and shoots the 20-foot brown bear right through the eye!
    Ami also has this magic mom bowl. Okay, bad description. But apparently she can tell someone who was abandoned by her biological father, adopted by a step-father and raised, for better or worse, by a biological mom, that it would be just awesome if that woman would call her mom. Oh, the irony. Ami basically asked Twila to let bygones be bygones and be part of the fuzzy (because of mold), dysfunctional Brown family and yet she hasn’t called her own ailing mother, despite years and years of pleas to do so. Oh Ami, you are a cold bitch.
    And finally Billy. Fancy new jacket there. Every time you open your mouth I want to shove a feed bag under it because the fertilizer that comes out would be awesome for my garden!!
    I am so glad I have the Browns. Why do I work so hard? This rural/homesteading life is easy. Silly me for tilling soil to plant the garden that will feed hubby and I during the winter, plus a few rows left over for the shelter. All those hours picking berries to make jams and jellies and then several gallon bags tucked away in the freezer seems such a waste. Oh and the walks through the swamps and over ankle twisting tussocks to get the several hundred pounds of moose meat can soon be a distant memory thanks to the magic bowl! I almost forgot the hours and hours of killing and butchering the meat chickens and fighting the meat bees that always show up to make life a misery. That too can be solved by the magic bowl!
    My husband will be thrilled to know that cabin repairs are a thing of the past! We also don’t have to dedicate days and days to splitting and drying 500 salmon for our sled dogs and smoking and canning salmon for ourselves!
    And entertaining friends and family inside our home is a thing of the past. We will all just sit around in the cold and damp by a fire. On top of the flames will be a grate that has lead paint melting in the heat and on top of that paint is our delicious dinner! Yummy! IQ tests for everyone before dessert!
    I can’t believe I have been doing this homesteading living wrong for 30 years! Thank you Brown family!!

    • That is tremendous Peg. I am sure real homesteaders everywhere are thankful for Browns. I don’t know if ABP is more of an affront to real Alaskans, homesteaders or IQ in general. Maybe a mix of all of them.
      I am a bit embarrassed by one small point. I actually rewound the Twila/Ami shooting scene a few times to see the kick of the pistols between the two of them and never even noticed the switching of the pistols. I think I have a good eye for things like that but some of you are really eagle eyed. I also missed the scope cap on a few season back.

        • That is why I rewound it a few times to see the shooting scene. I thought I was going to see Twila from Texas not have the kickback that Ami had. Ami let the pistol really kickback pretty far back. I thought a face smack was a real probability (maybe it did happen but they edited that part out). Twila was a bit better but not enough for me to make fun of. Still pretty disappointed that I didn’t see the big pistol switcheroo.

          • I just can’t believe the excellent quality of posts on this blog. Really. Every one of the regulars here are attenuated to the details. I’m going to have to watch an episode several times to pick up the amount of detail you guys pick up. I’m not sure I can do it… I mean watch an episode of these morons more than once? How have they been around so long without being killed by themselves. I’m waiting for Rainey or Birdie to come up pregnant and all of the brothers looking like “Who? Me?” Billy will take them in one at a time to try to get to the truth and all of the brothers will confess, each one thinking they were the only ones to bang their sisters…..well, maybe not Noah, he seems to be clueless as to how women work.

          • I usually spot several inconsistencies when watching, but, I missed the switching of the revolvers. I noticed when the mail plane was being unloaded at Excurion the large box appeared to be Noah’s keyboard piano. Or the Driving Miss. Raino right before the Integrity was about to dock we see Matt upset Bam shot down his idea. Gave and Matt go back to the stern to discuss. If you look close enough you can see they are not towing anything except for barge made with empty oil drip.

    • Discovery and the browns would like to have some space to object to what you have written-don’t hold your breath thou. No store bought dog food for your dogs? What kind of people are you? Thank You.

      • Shoot! I forgot Cupcake!! If the Browns could let me know what kind of crap dogfood they get from Fred Meyer, now that Walmart is closed, I will be forever grateful!

        • For those of you not following… the Juneau Wal-Mart closed up leaving Fred Meyer as the only big department store left in the Alaskan capitol. Juneau is the closet major community to Hoonah.
          I am betting Mr. Cupcake is not getting Iams but the no name brand by the 40 lbs bag. I think Mr. Cupcake should make a break for it.

          • Sad news. The Juneau Walmart parking lot was where Matt got busted for his drunken demolition derby. Someone should build a shrine there.

      • Ryan, speaking of Brown Dui’s, i read on another abp thread that Ami had been in an accident in juneau last week and was arrested for being high/drunk. The citation # was also on there but i just googled it. Nothing came up. Do you have any idea if theres any truth to it?

        • I checked the news and Alaska Courtview and I didn’t see anything. The Browns are pretty high profile at this point so if it did happen I am sure the Alaska media would have picked up on it.

          • I’ll try to find the thread the citation # was on. It was there twice by two separate posters. I wish i would have copied it.

        • I’ve not heard about Ami’s crash. There was a RUMOR posted over the weekend that Matt was entering a rehab facility, which is standard procedure for a reality TV actor. Keep us posted if you find out more!

    • I am grateful for the wealth of information here. Absolute best. I hate bringing up hockey but my Red Wings had Gordon Tootoo who was from Alaska, Got him from Nashville and at present he is with New Jersey Devils. He is a good decent player wish we still had him. Our local announcers would mention the difference of his lifestyle compared to the lower 48.He must have been from Anchorage as I remember from time to time they will play here if they qualify for the Great Lakes Invitational. I wonder if Gordon is asked about abp. I know I would have but they were not of interest when he played here. Just thinking there is a lot of USA players in the NHL and now wondering if Tootoo is the only one from Alaska.

      • Henry I think you are thinking of Jordin Tootoo and he is from Nunavut Canada. He is the first player of Inuk decent and the first ever from Nunavut to play in the NHL. When he was coming up he was super fast and a ferocious hitter. Same players feared him because he was such a hard hitter. He had an older brother who was also a player that sadly committed suicide.

        • Yes that’s him it was Jordin not Gordon. He is with New Jersey Devils we had him only two years. Now why they said he was a Alaskan has got me wondering maybe they were making a comparison in climate and hard life style. I’m sure he’ll be around next year probably with the Devils. He played a phyisical game and the Red Wings even now could use him so why they got rid of him is another mystery.

  3. Excellent recap as always Ryan. Thank you. And David, you don’t disappoint either. I look forward to your posts just as much as I do Ryan’s. As a true Alaskan, your insight and expert knowledge has been an invaluable resource to those of us who are not, but most importantly, to the ever shrinking minority that believed this family was raised wild in the bush or portraying how Alaskans actually lived in the bush. I never once thought Alaskans lived like the Browns portay it. We all know this is fake, scripted and nothing more than fantasy and lies. Although the Browns and Discovery want us to think otherwise and continue to insult our intelligence and the intelligence of all Alaskans by producing more of this garbage. Unfortunately, there is that minority that has taken longer to educate then I thought possible. If they still can’t see the holes in the Browns stories, contradictions and continuous lies week after week then it goes without saying. The countless times Billy’s painted himself into a corner and tried to get out are unbelievable. The guy was convicted of fraud with most of his family and Discovery tries adding story lines that paints him in a glowing light by having others say he has integrity. They don’t know what an iPhone is or that box you put food in and it comes out fried(microwave). We see the kids have utube channels going back 8yrs, or more, but we’re led to believe they’ve grown up wild in the bush for 30yrs. Billy claims he hasn’t had contact with Twila in 30yrs, but we see above her birthday wishes to Matt.
    It’s disturbing this is shown in other countries and a lot of people believe what they see. My girlfriend, Irena, is from Belarus. She’s 37yrs old and has lived in the U.S. for 14yrs. Her language and writing skills are excellent now for someone who came here not knowing a single word. She’s very familiar with American TV now as you and I, but at one time wasn’t, therefore, she doesn’t believe everything she sees. I asked her to watch several episodes of ABP after giving her a brief description of what the show and family was about and tell me her thoughts. After 5 minutes she had enough. Lol. She didn’t buy their scam at all. I had her watch more. She was convinced they were actors. If not actors, then a family with no experience trying to live in the wilds of Alaska for the first time, which would be a much more believable story line. (Take note Discovery).
    Now the even more disturbing part from what she said people in her country and surrounding countries in Eastern Europe such as Ukraine, Poland, Russia and Baltic States would believe this to be true in Alaska, if this were to be shown. They get a lot of American TV and they tend to believe everything they see. At one time she did too. She explained prior to coming here she believed all Americans lived a Hollywood lifestyle as seen on TV. Not only her, but practically everyone does where she comes from and that’s why so many want to immigrate here. Of course there are other reasons, but the majority believe it’s easy living and all Americans have big houses, fancy cars and a summer home at the Cape. She was in for a rude awakening when she discovered she had to work hard to get the things she wanted and her degree in accounting was basically a piece of paper saying as much and she had to work her way through school here to get re-educated.
    I wanted to know more as to why people in her country would find ABP believable so I asked her to elaborate. She indicated the outline areas hundreds, if not thousands of miles from cities have Villages that contain anywhere from 25 to 200 people. Similar to the small Alaskan communities. Some do not have running water or utilities. Generators are used and fuel oil brought in and other essentials. Or, if not Villages, people who would be considered bush people because they truly live off the grid and can go months without having contact with another soul. On occasion some venture into the city and their lifestyle is frowned upon. In short, it’s common in her country and if this show is from America then it must be true.

    I don’t want to give the impression they are a bunch of morons if they were to believe everthing they see especially if it was ABP. That’s far from the truth and the last thing I would want to convey. It’s a different culture and a lot of what they see comes mostly from America. There’s no one to tell them differently like 25yrs ago when the government controlled what was watched and listened to.

    In 2011 several individuals were discovered living in the deep wilderness of Siberia. When asked how long they lived there they weren’t sure. From the items they had they were asked if before or after WW2? They didn’t know there was another world war. That’s what I call living wild deep in the bush. Not what Billy and the rest of the Browns would have you believe.

    • I agree. Ryan makes watching this show fun! Its become like a game, lol. Then reading the comments from people who’s names i recognize now are fun to read as well. David is definitely a wealth of info. After i first read Ryans peice on this, none of the others i read were entertaining at all. Now, a couple things that haven’t been brought up (if they were i missed it) on the bartered RV trip, bird brain wants to stop and pet the baby cows. Oh how she loves all animals. Five minutes later shes excited to her boot tops to be getting to kill a baby pig!?? Then back to the boat dock at excersion inlet. As a hobby seaplane pilot, those cleats the integrity is going to yank out before floating to china are goi g to be sorely missed by the next plane landing there. I was pretty incensed by their lack of mention or consideration on that. Then the Seattle thing. Being from seattle, i could see they showed a $10 hooker motel on old hwy 99. The seediest part of north seattle and portrayed it as what our beautiful city had to offer. They must really piss off communities as discovery follows them around. They should be on that gypsie show. I enjoy your contribution to this too, marcus.

  4. Uuh…Ryan, David…Just a reminder that I know will have you both”Tickled”. Another new episode tomorrow night at 10:02pm Eastern standard. “The Book of Noah”. An episode all about Noah; interviews and facts on the Alaskan Bush Renaissance man. Maybe not exactly new if you consider this episode will consist of past episodes we already seen. But it’s Noah the da Vinci of our time. Who doesn’t want to see Noah invent things that have already been invented or hear his philosophical approach to dating?

    Just trying to keep you guys on your toes. I wouldn’t you to miss some great wholesome family TV! Don’t forget, 10:02pm. Schedule it in your queue

    • Thanks for the heads up Marcus… but no thank you! I don’t want a second of any interviews, never before seen or previously seen ABP special episodes. I can barely take it now. That surely would put me over the top.
      That bring up a question for the group. Who of the Browns would you least want to be stranded on a deserted island with in real life? The sad part for me after spending a few seconds I am honestly not sure who would be the worst. It is like a four way tie for horribleness with Billy, Bear, Noah and Matt for me. Gun to my head, I think it might be Billy. I know right away I would have to do 100% of any work to be done. Honestly that is a tough one for me. Best one to be stranded with, Bam, hands down.

      • That is a hard question, David. But, based on they way they are portrayed on ABP (and that caveat is important as I do not know how they are in real life—except for snippets here and there), I answer as follows:

        Birdie could drive me a little crazy if she decides to communicate by “meowing” or “sign” language. Rainy is too young, but she might hop to the tasks at hand…or “drive” a car if we find one on the deserted island. Ami would want me to call her “mom” and that isn’t going to happen. Billy, as you pointed out, isn’t a worker so I might as well be on the island by myself…Ami, at least, could possibly cook something. Matt is nuts. Gabe is ok in the general Brown scheme of things. Bear would just run around, accomplishing nothing. Noah—well he is weird and might decide I would be a good “experiment” for his Lab of Horrors, so I would always have to sleep with one eye open. Further, as I am a musician of sorts, Noah’s “singing” and “poetry” made my ears hurt. Yes, definitely, Bam would be the best one to be stranded with…and Gabe in second place. So—-*drum roll*— in order from “least” to “best”:

        Noah, Billy, Ami, Matt, Bear, Birdie, Rainy, Gabe, Bam

        • * This is based only on how they are projected on TV
          I strongly considered Noah for first for general weirdness and I docked him points for being kind of out of touch in dealing with others, especially the opposite sex. So as a wing man he is a major liability, but this was just being alone with on a desert Island. He won points for being rather quiet and soft spoken. That played a major part for me because an in your face loud kind of style would get the old the fastest.
          Gabe doesn’t have a really strong personality nor is he typecast as a complete idiot on a show where there is major competition for that title.
          Matt would get old quick with his constant ridiculous ideas and way out there sophomoric sense of humor.
          Bear would be insufferable. Always howling, yelling, jumping and generally acting like a 4 year old on a Mt Dew high would be tough to be around past about the 5 minute mark. Very strong contender for last.
          Ami, Birdie and Rainy just aren’t shown enough and don’t seem to have very strong personalities. Not enough there to contend for the worst title.
          Billy seems like a know it all while knowing nothing. Ethics are past questionable. Bad thing when food and water might be low and you have to trust this guy. Laziness score is off the charts.
          Bam of course seems like a normal thinking person and seems to have some intelligence. How he is associated with this family is questionable. Better get a DNA test Bam just to be sure.
          By a nose I think Billy beats out Bear for the title of least wanting to get stuck on an island with. Bear would probably help out and seems to have lots of energy. Bear is louder but might have something to offer. With Billy you would only have to mention work and Billy Brown syndrome would kick in. So you would have to work for the both of you to keep things going. My order from worst to first…
          Billy, Bear, Matt, Noah, Ami, Gabe, Rainy, Birdie, Bam

      • Hands down, Ami. There is something so creepy about her. She reminds me of the mother/grandmother figure in a horror movie. Her face has a rodent quality to it, her speech is slow and spooky, and she is basically useless. But I’m sure she has a great personality! Who would I choose (gun to head, life or death) to be stranded with? Gabe…he seems like he could be ordered around, he is strong, and he doesn’t yap as much as the rest. The first Sean Connery impression and I would go Lord of the Flies on him, though.

        • Mr. CupCake is my choice. It was stated he is a member of the family, so why not? He wouldn’t say anything annoying and I think he’d be more productive then all of the Browns put together.

          • Are we even sure Mr. Cupcake is around anymore? I don’t recall seeing him recently as we have the cats. Mr. Cupcake seems like too easy of a pick. I too would take Mr. Cupcake if that choice were available

          • Actually Cupcake would be a good companion. You would have time to actually train the beast and he is a proficient bird killer.
            David, he is still around. In this last show he was chewing on Bear by that stupid trebuchet as the rest of the family walked off to show Twila Browntown. He was heard on camera saying, “Not the jacket.” I guess it was because Michael Jackson obviously left that jacket to him in the will.

          • Your right, I forgot about the “not the jacket” comment. Sometimes ABP all runs together into a big pile of horribleness.

      • My order of stranded-with preference is: 1)Bam 2)Gabe 3)Getting Hit In The Face With A Sack Full Of Hammers 4)Matt 5)Noah 6)Bear 7)Birdy 8)Rainy 9)Ami 10)Billy

        • Why Noah ahead of Bear, you ask? At that point, I’ve accepted that I’m going to die and I’d rather go out peacefully listening to bad flute music than listening to AWESOME and EXXXTREME.

          • No need to defend the Bear ranking. If this were a live debate with us all around a table I could very easily be talked into ranking Bear as the last choice. All the yelling, howling, tumbling, running and jumping could become too much to take really quickly.

      • Here’s the thing though David. You and I both know that as real Alaskans we might be in a rough patch if we were stranded in the wilderness but we would have basic survival supplies in our pockets – waterproof matches or a flint and knife, a small survival kit (I carry one of those Coleman sardine survival cans in my jacket pocket…..sounds silly but there’s some good shit in there!), a water bottle, a leatherman etc. Oh and don’t forget our pistol. So I would like to be stuck with Billy. When the rescuers arrive he will have succumbed to a terrible accident.

        • I love it! I like your thinking Peg. Hadn’t thought of it that way.
          You are right in that even when we travel to our cabin out your way we have basic survival gear. Too many critters around, and weather can change in a second.
          Not that this thread isn’t long enough but what about which Brown is least prepared to really survive in the wild?
          I think I would go with Ami edging out Billy for least prepared. Billy is crazy lazy, but Ami would injure herself merely looking around for which way to walk. I would have more confidence in Rainey then either of those two.

          • Preparedness for survival in the wild:

            Billy—he is in his 60s but a lot of people in their 60s are in great shape—Billy does not seem to be one of them. Billy trips a lot over molecules, needs meds, and apparently cannot survive unless surrounded by every family member 24/7. Ditto for Ami, although, she does not seem to fall over her own feet, ergo, she rates a percentage point higher than Billy.

            Bear has no discernible survival skills, but he can run fast and climb high. Therefore, he might be able to sprint back to civilization and survive that way.

            Noah Edison da Vinci Archimedes Galileo Pasteur Brown is an enigma. He might survive through total obliviousness to his surroundings. Or maybe he will invent a bush compass with some twigs, old cans and a button from his coat and find is way home. Doubtful. Has he ever been shown shooting a gun or skinning an animal or cooking or fishing?

            Matt—I think he can shoot and fish, and he can make “shelters” out of anything—not good shelters—but he could dig himself another hole under a fallen tree and live that way, eating grubs and insects.

            Bam and Gabe—both probably have a good chance as they have demonstrated some brains, brawn and/or common sense.

            Rainy—I think she would be ornery enough to make it and she could write HELP signs on trees, etc., with her lipstick supply and leave a trail for searchers with her jewelry. Besides, she is young and strong and wants to “prove” she is as capable of “hard work” etc. as the rest of her family.

            Birdie—Birdie will be like Tarzan. She will make friends with all the forest animals and they will adopt her as one of their own.

            So, in order from “Most Likely to Survive the Wild” to Least Likely:

            Bam/Gabe (tied), Birdie, Rainy, Matt, Noah, Bear, Ami, Billy.

          • Agreed. Ami would not survive. She would just be frozen in on spot because Billy wouldn’t be there to tell her what to do. On the other hand, did you ever see Fried Green Tomatoes?
            Tawanda!!!!

          • Great breakdown Lower48. I agree with your rankings. Billy and Ami would struggle a lot, but I think Billy has her by a nose for the least able to survive in the wild.

          • Ha! Ha! LOL! Thanks, Ryan. I’m sure any future opposing counsel will be duly “impressed” if I refer them to my “scintillating” analyses on this blog. Yes, they will just fold like an accordion, utterly deflated by the xxxxtreme “awesomeness.” 🙂

    • No way the San Jose Sharks and Pittsburgh Penguins are at it tonight. Ryan I’m hoping your working overtime for this one.

      • Gawd, no. I’m not watching any of the “Book of” specials unless there’s “The Book of Kenny.” I’m watching the hockey with Henry.

        • I have two viewing choices for the game the other is CBC Canada. The first period intermission is Coaches Corner with Don Cherry. Just wondering if you get this too Ryan? On a sad note Reggie Leach from the Broad Street Bullies past away.

          • I only get plain-old NBCSN here, but I covered sports for a Canadian version of our magazine, so I am versed in Hockey Night and Don Cherry. I had last night’s game on in the background, and when I could finally sit down to watch it, PIT scored the OT goal. I’ve been a Red Wings fan since I started following hockey back in ’94. It was all the Russian guys!

          • Don Cherry on Coaches Corner told the story of Reggie Leach more then a couple of times. Reggie was so drunk before a playoff game against the then coached by Cherry Boston Bruins. They gave him showers,coffee nothing working till they busted out and gave him some beers. It worked and he scored 5 goals in that game beating the Bruins. What a different time back then. Reggie does not drink alcohol he is a recovered alcoholic.

      • You are both making a very wise choice. I would watch any sport on the planet over anything that has ABP attached to it let alone the cup finals. I might even consider staring at a blank screen over ABP.

  5. Wonder what they “bartered” for that 600 dollar Ward Air
    charter? Or the fake bear teeth and claws they are wearing.
    Pretty sure skulls unlimited only take cash or credit cards.

    • I wondered the same thing. The scene should play out with Twila getting on the Cessna and they show the plane taxiing away. Ami asks Billy how he paid for it and he says he will give them some old rotting salmon. The plane taxis back to the dock. the door opens, we see a finger pointing from the door towards the dock and hear a voice say… “Get the !@#&$ out!!”.

  6. Great job on the recap as always, Ryan. It’s got to be nerve-wracking to recap this show every week as it seems they just keep getting dumber and dumber as time goes on. I really can’t stomach Ami anymore. Between her aches & pains and her request to be called “mom” by Billy’s adult daughter, she really needs to be bitch slapped. I can guarantee she’ll request Twila’s daughter call her “grandma” should she ever be introduced to the child. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Billy is such a liar, but seriously, can he even expect anyone to believe that he wanted to take Twila with him to AK when she was little…or that all of his letters were “lost” or “undelivered”? Of course he was “ushered out”…Any grandparent with a brain would’ve done the same. He purports to have been well off (spoiled rotten) as a kid and when the going got tough, he wandered about doing odd jobs to make ends meet. So basically, he hasn’t had a good work ethic…like…EVER. Tired, tired, tired of the lies, laziness & boo-boos. They are so far off the mark when it comes to living off the grid…they will never be homesteaders (their”portrayal” as homesteaders pisses me off to no end), the ridiculous “fashion show” they all put on each week is stomach churning, and if Billy drags the Lord’s name through the mud one more time, I’m going to scream! One injury after the next is proof that they have no idea how to live in that kind of setting. As far as returning the stolen boat to it’s rightful owner garnering him the compliment of being a man of “integrity”…please…spare us the b.s. There are numerous people who have had their belongings pilfered by Billy over the years. It would be safe, at this point, to assume Trapper was a victim at one time or another. This has been the hardest season to watch, by far. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to call them out since they’re putting their stupidity out there for the world to see, and they seem o.k. with being seen as useless members of society. I’m going to guess that this will indeed be the last season of ABP…they’re running out of material. On a final note…for those of you out there who support the Brown’s and their “lifestyle”, good for you. No one is calling YOU liars, cheats & thieves. For the most part, the BrownBashers ignore your praise of the Brown’s. It would be nice to be afforded the same respect. Many of us have been trolled and accused of being “mean”. The very people that tell us to stop being mean are the same ones getting ugly with us. You watch because you like them and what they portray. We watch because we don’t appreciate sharing the planet with grifters. There is no right or wrong opinion here, so please, to all the BrownBuddies out there, don’t take any of the Basher’s comments as a personal attack on you. Peace out…

    • Actually I think the Brown supporters are running on fumes maybe worse than the Brown bashers. There were some weeks in here I though the lynch mob was going to mobilize and find me in Alaska. They got vicious. Now it is a very occasional “why don’t you turn the channel” comment every so often. I think ABP has worn everybody out. The schist has worn very thin.
      CT, I saw a preview for Homestead Rescue on Discovery and it made me think of you. It has Marty Raney who was on Ultimate Survival Alaska and his two kids going to help flailing would be homesteaders. Not sure if it is shot in Alaska or down in the lower 48. I have no plans to watch it but thought maybe it would be right up your alley.

      • I saw the previews for that, David. I may watch the premier just to see what it’s all about. One thing’s for sure…homesteading is a lot harder than it looks! I’ve found myself slowing down as I get older. Not gonna throw in the towel yet, though!!!

      • I hear ya! I had two crazy lovers actually track me down at work. They made a couple of weird and disturbing phone calls. It stopped when the Troopers got involved.
        I had another woman PM me and want to know my address. I told her I would get back to her because I was very busy cleaning my guns.

    • Well put, CT_H! But do not underestimate Discovery’s ability to keep this dead horse runnin’! I’ve declared this show dead many times before, and it always pulls a Lazarus on me.

      • I suppose you’re right on the money…it all comes down to ratings & they’ve still got viewers…even if most of the viewers are bashers & not supporters!

        • Another thing to consider is the type of advertisers paying the bills. Automobile companies, big insurance companies, major drug companies -( mostly hawking boner pills but nonetheless majors). Discovery has to be making a fortune on this series. I assume as the viewer numbers drop the big boy sponsors will pull out leaving it to the copper bracelet guys, gold sellers, miracle fry pans, and the guy with the liquid rubber spray cans .

    • “MOM” Ami is nearly the same age as the daughter. Billy was banging Ami when she was 15.

  7. Ryan…..Great recap as always. I know you really had to stretch on this one.
    Like David and others, I too am finding this bush comedy harder to watch with each new episode. I’m probably over- thinking this but I use to think these “boys” are just very bad actors playing out a sloppy, poorly written script. Nobody could be that stupid! But now I starting to wonder????

    Twila seemed like a nice person that certainly has been through some rough times. She seemed to be unimpressed with Browntown. And dadgummit, all of Billy’s letters trying to contact her for 30 years were probably intercepted by the evil post office. (It’s part of the evil gubmit, you know). I can’t wait to see the Wolfpack to visit her in Texas.

    I like the short teaser with the boys helping ol Billy hobble around after another “accident”. Oh well, just another beautiful day in the bush.

    • We should give Discovery, ParkSlope and the Browns more credit. They know exactly what they’re doing. If someone/something is stupid, it was planned that way.

      • We should consider it to be exactly what it is, fantasy. It, and N&A are both exactly like what we see on the show “UnReal”. Everything is manipulated to create the appearance of whatever they deem is “good” television.

  8. I watched this episode from start to finish.What I found out about abp is that I’m a better reader then a viewer. Reading your recap and Davids’ I find that I am not paying attention or I made trips to the can or kitchen. What I do remember the reading is far better then the viewing. The Ami thing of her telling her to call her Mom is well I’m not great at math but what’s there age difference? I figured 7 to 8 years? This Friday I’m not even going to try so looking forward to your recaps.

  9. Well, at least Kenny was in this episode and seemed in full health, but the others made me lose a few brain cells (except Bam)

  10. They don’t even try to make the hardware for the barrell bull not look brand new, those springs would be 100 bucks for 4 in Alaska. Last week the wood had the painted ends from a sawmill.

    They have not had a grill after a year in the same spot?

  11. I can’t believe you losers are watching this crap. Is this the best you can so with your lives is watch this garbage? C’mon people, make believe you have a reason to live, get off the couch, stop drinking way too much beer and make believe you losers have a reason to live. Really…….

    • So Bob, how do you know this crap requires one to relax on the couch and drink too much beer?

      • JD, Bob is a troll. He came over here from Naked and Afraid where he never watches the show either. All he does is whine to everyone. Don’t pay any attention to him and he’ll wither.

  12. The only thing real about ABP is when they run the credits at the end of the farce, you know the show is over.

    Great job and a tip of the hat to both Ryan and David for their hilarious incite to the things I missed while having to barf.

  13. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations on prosecuting for failure to pay child support. Billy probably owes $$$$$$thousands. Discovery really needs to pull the plug pretty soon. I keep trying to think of a scenario that would actually make this show watchable…..maybe turn it into a flat-out comedy and hire Mr. Berenz as a writer?

    • I think we are seeing the end of ABP in sight. There is so much absurdity that even PoopSlope cannot justify it. Look at all the new things available to the Brown Clowns that just happen to show up: a propane powered oven to bake cakes; micro torches to solder and heat shrink. Glasses galore so everybody can see and poor Twila Byars – whose LindedIn and Facebook pages have disappeared. I am sure that the barrel bronco wad built so Twila could ride it – as she is a Texas barrel racer [http://www.ebarrelracing.com/bios/twila.html]. Story lines are so bad, that perhaps the writers will have the ever present bears return to give us some excitement – as they have not been a problem since the Browns were touring the lower 48. Watching the “off the grid” shows just before the new episodes provides a lot more insight and absurdity.

      • Para…….I also read that bio page on Twila. She is obviously an experienced rider and horse person. I assume she did a huge eye roll when the dipshits demonstrated their state-of-the-art bucking barrel for her.

        And yes, we will certainly need a few more bear break-ins. I’m sure Park Slope will remember to get the cameras and lights in place before putting out the bait!

  14. I can almost give Matt the benefit of having AHAD (which he supposedly claimed during his DUI), or also takes direction from the production crew to help them kill time (by eating fish eyes or putting twigs in BBQ sauce) when normal people wouldn’t, but this crap with Bear scurrying up and down a tree to do 10 minutes of randomly nailing crap to a tree is liking watching a chipmunk on Meth. When he goes cyclonic and rolling around in the weeds because he’s convinced he’s Danger Boy I feel even more certain that too much Meth is being consumed. (Bad batch the real reason Noah’s tent is uninhabitable?)

  15. One of the little things that bothered me was the lack of continuity. When Twila was being interviewed one-on-one, first her hair was straight, then in the very next sequence it was wavy, then straight, then wavy, etc.—all with the black knit hat on.

    Have to admit, I loved Bam’s deadpan expression and remarks when he saw Matt’s “telephone.” Now THAT was funny! As far as Matt is concerned, if he really is that hyper (ADHD?) or has other mental issues, then I can’t make fun of his antics—but, if this is all for show—and I think it is based on other scenes where he actually seems to be doing something serious—then the tire house, grill, root cellar, ad infinitum, are all fair game for the audience.

    Bear has been “building” that tree house for at least a year—wonder where he has been sleeping all this time? Oh, that’s right—Hoonah, Seattle, lower 48. I’m no carpenter but I can nail better and faster than that pitiful demonstration.

    Finally—what a dump! And I’m not talking about the one in Hoonah. Browntown should be condemned….well, so should the dump in Hoonah—what a mess!

    • The lack of any kind of editing skill on this show is really staggering. Only to be outdone by any kind of script and story writing ability. Are we even sure that there are professionals involved at this point?

      • Some eagle-eyed folks noticed that Ami’s big-ass revolver miraculously changes to a semi-auto pistol when she’s shooting.

        Did you see that aerial shot of Kenny’s dump? (He he.) That junkyard is perched on top of a cliff or something.

    • I don’t even think of the Browns as real people anymore. They’re just actors performing highly exaggerated caricatures of what they perceive themselves to be in reality.

      • No, they’re real people alright. Not even “actors” can portray stupidity that convincingly. However there is proof that “BrownTown” is an actual village since it has it’s own, verified Village idiot, Matt.

  16. According to my TV schedule next Friday’s ABP is titled ‘Surviving the Lower 48’. Is this going to be a hoot or what? I for one can’t wait.

  17. Ok, I have been putting off watching the ABP episode as long as I could. Now that Ryan’s recap is up it is that time. I use to enjoy Friday nights, now I feel like it is a weekly chore I face. Damn you ABP! You have ruined Fridays. Good gosh let’s get this over with.
    Matt’s telephone system seems like the brainchild of a 5 year old. Actually 3-5 year olds have been doing this for ages with two can’s and a piece of string. It makes me question if anything is too stupid for this show. I think the clear answer is no. This might be really cute if it was a three year old doing this. A grown man in his 30’s, yea, not so much. Funny how they just happened to have all that expensive unused tubing, clamps and funnels just laying around.
    We learn that Clowntown is on the mend. Why does Clowtown always look like the local dump? Sorry Kenny, that was a low blow and I apologize.
    Bear is such a caricature. He runs and says extreme. We get it, over and over beat down on us for seasons, we get it. Running, howling and EXTREME! I think every character on Sesame Street has more depth and complexity than Bear. Why one earth he is in such a rush to get his treehouse done I have no idea. Pretty busy down at the office Bear? Once again the few quick shots of bear trying to hammer nails at ridiculous and unnecessary angles and contortions shows that he, along with any of the Browns have exactly zero construction skill. I like how the framing was all done including the roof, but we only see him scabbing a few pieces of wood shabbily to one side. Basically anything that actually took skill and could have been interesting was done by somebody else.
    Trapper is back and takes Bam and Gabe fishing, because the Browns have no hunting or fishing licenses. Makes sense.
    Speaking of complete caricatures, Noah is “revolutionizing wilderness survival” with is hand warmers. Absolutely perfect experiment for Noah, inventing things that have already been invented but done much much worse. Billy on the other hand seems rather amazed. He tells Noah “I like the way you think kid”. Well of course you do Billy. His laziness and lack of any direction in life is absolutely right up your alley. I am saying Billy is taking the lead in this week’s laziest Brown of the week award because Noah technically is doing something. It is a pretty small lead.
    We have to hear some made up story from Trapper about how Billy gave back his stolen boat. Discovery and Park Slope Productions ridiculous attempts to continue to paint the Browns, and expeciaslly Billy, as this patron saint is so see through. Like what happened in court is nothing because these are such great people. Trapper saying that Billy has so much integrity is making we want to go get an airsick bag and make sure I have it close by. Good gosh I seriously can’t handle this show anymore.
    I just don’t want to comment on much about Billy’s past life and losing his family and the subsequent marriage and kids. Who knows really happened and what is really going on behind the scenes. I for one don’t believe anything these people say because they lie about everything. So I am just going to assume that what we are seeing in nothing of what is really happening, and most importantly the Browns are painting themselves in the best light possible. Although Billy says he wants to tell the kids about his life in Texas, while it is a known fact that… THE WHOLE FAMILY LIVED INTEXAS FOR YEARS! Good gosh this show can’t go two minutes without lying.
    Looks like Kenny is back! So Matt is looking for something to make a grill out of. Let me get this straight… This tough bush family that lives off the land and hunts for their very survival hasn’t established a way to cook and grill meat yet? Hmmm, seems like a pretty fundament thing that they would have down pat by now, if they actually lived in the bush or even Alaska.
    Is it just me or does Matt seems like he is on something when he does his bush interviews? I don’t think I ever noticed it before but he seems under the influence of something.
    Bear’s jacket is exactly something completely useless and dumb that I would expect the Browns to be working on. It is like this show competes to out dumb itself.
    Rainy is worried that the Browns might scare Twila since she hasn’t been around them. Probably a valid concern as you have been scaring me for a few season now.
    I am completely convinced that this whole Twila storyline is probably very made up as to the actual facts. Seems like the Browns grasp at anything at all to try to make this show interesting. Giving the Browns the benefit of the doubt, grading on the curve, I would give them a good solid F- for entertainment value.
    Every time we come back from commercial they have to top themselves with an even stupider project then the ones we have had to endure thus far. First there was Noah’s hand warmers, then Bears treehouse, the jacket with the armor, now we have a bucking bull. They seemed to have some nice Dewalt tools they were using to build it. What a coincidence they just happened to have those shiny new springs just sitting around. Their bucking bull is as ridiculous as I thought it would be and needed to be set up higher as to not hit the ground continually. Might want to run down to Home Depot and pick up some stronger springs. This show never ceases to amaze me for the sheer stupidity value. It is like 2% of this show has to do with actual living off the grid and 98% is just made up horrendous projects. I know actual people who do live off the grid in the wild and it is honestly quite a tough life. It is absolutely not for everybody and takes a truly tough hard working person to do it. If you even sit back and take ten seconds to think about what we are watching it is pretty mind numbing. It is like it is Pee Wee’s playhouse set up in SE Alaska. Before ABP tried to at least make it look like the Browns were doing stuff to live off the grid like going hunting, crabbing and building their cabin. It was all made up but at least they tried. Now we don’t even bother with that and just spend our time watching them build things that might entertain a toddler for a few minutes. How about procuring food and water sources along with gathering wood for heat and stuff like that? A bucking bull and a buoy swing? Seriously?
    The sign laungauge scene makes no sense like everything else. Not being an expert in sign language I cannot verify anything but it seemed 100% made up like the cat meowing language. It is funny that they tell us they use sign language “all the time” but this is the first time we have ever seen it. Then we are told it has been going on before the girls were born. Uh huh, sure it has. Sometimes I don’t even think this show is scripted and is just on big improv they make up as they go.
    Good to know 30 years after the browns started living in the bush Matt has finally invented a grill to cook food on. Might want to be careful on the first few meals they cook on there as it was painted yellow and I am pretty sure it is quite toxic to have that go into your food. Details details.
    Maybe it has always been this way but ABP is getting pretty ridiculous coming out of commercials having to replay part of the last scene completely over to remind us what we just watched. On the other hand maybe Discovery knows we are all falling into boredom comas and doesn’t want to take any chances we forgot everything and decided to change the channel.
    The whole Twila scene seems way more like giving the viewers a tour of Browntown then anything about Twila. It seems like most of Twila’s reactions are less being amused and much more of how much she thinks these people are freaks.
    Does anybody actually think that the Browns ate Matt’s sauce made with the pine needles, branches, kelp and sea water? Of course he acts like he drank seawater which we all know he didn’t. Was that a paint roller he was putting it on the meat with? I am sure a good 3/8 rough nap roller and all the lint tastes terrific. Should go great with the toxic yellow paint fumes.
    I noticed in a number of scenes that the bottom windows stay boarded up in the cabin now even when they are there. Shows how much time the Browns really spend there. Also in all of the bears breaking into the cabin scenes it was just poorly constructed small pieces of wood over the windows now we have full sheets of plywood. Guess you have to up your game when you are barely at the film set for very long anymore.
    Twila’s story about losing her daughter was about one of the only emotional things that has ever been on this show if everything she told us was true. Losing a child is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. Otherwise we are told Twila was going to be there a week and of course it looked like a few hours tops. That is Brown time for you. 30 years living in the bush is more like… well… they never actually lived in the bush. Bad example. Besides the story of her accident the whole visit is pretty uneventful but it doesn’t seem like this was indeed their first meeting like we have been led to believe.
    I have to stop watching this. I am not kidding in the least when I say I dread watching ABP. Before it was fun to poke holes in all of their survival skills (or lack thereof), but now this is just make it up as we go sheer stupidity from start to finish. It is just so over the top dumb now that there really isn’t much witty to say or to really break things down in an intelligent way. It is like the show has quit even trying at this point to portray anything real about it. The laughs for me are almost nonexistent. There is no storyline or plot anymore, just stupid hijinks and projects of the week. My ramblings are seeming less and less funny and seem to have a more angry tone to it. Think I am starting to break down on this and not sure I have anything left. Even my Alaska experience doesn’t seem that valuable anymore. What can I tell you about a barrel bronco, a Matt telephone system, a treehouse and leather saw jacket that will enlighten you from an Alaskan angle. I think dumb is dumb in all 50 states. We will see how I feel next week. That hour of TV went slower than having a root canal… Sheesh!

    • I just got back from the Memorial Parade in which I participated. They made it a half mile longer and it was a warm one today. It’s only 3 o’ clock and I feel beat. Thanks to recap your comment and others it really snaps me out of it. I watched the last episode and hell I don’t know if I have a mental block or bad memory. My recollection of bear was of him climbing the tree and saying how much better the air smelled up there and why wouldn’t it the place looks identical almost to the dump. The recap and comments do bring things to my attention what the hell did I have a black out while watching. The part of Ami telling her to call her Mom I thought was disrespectful and disgustful. I remember Billy saying that Alaska saved him. Now I don’t understand the citizens of Alaska hating him after saving him. This was the first new episode I watched except for the 12 minutes of Noahs date one. Ryan posting the pic of Noah with that monkey axehatchet still brings a smile thinking about how incredibly stupid it is. You know should bring it to the readers attention-all sons out there Fathers Day is just around the corner and what father wouldn’t want one of these. Be sure to use the ole mans’ tools for that personal touch. Laughter is the best medicine.

    • Dave: Totally agree with your thoughts on Matt’s grill. While being held for ransome and being forced to watch last weeks ABP, I couldn’t help but think during the electrical shots to my testicles that the grill was covered with lead paint. Um, yummy.

        • Dave works just fine for me. That is the worst when being held hostage and forced to watch ABP. That just seems so over the top and downright cruel. I think the electrical shots to your testicles was a great relief to you to get your mind off ABP.

    • This was a tough one to recap. The show devolved into self-parody a long time ago, and it’s hard to laugh at something that already laughs at itself. Nice observation on the boarded-up windows!

      • My hats off to you for your great recap. I struggled with this one. Well summed up on the self-parody. There is a grown man riding a barrel attached to four springs, and to somehow trying to come up with something witty, or break it down in some funny way is nearly impossible.

  18. wonderful fake episode! Discovery must think we all have IQs lower than the browntown bimbos.
    Twila spent no more than part of a day, I suspect, at the growing slum called browntown. she was either heavily medicated, or disgusted with the heavy smell of body odor. but she displayed zero personality. I hope Discovery pays her for the inconvenience of the trip.

  19. Enjoyed the recap more than the episode, as usual. I can watch the guy watching the Browns every week. Poor Twila, she reminded me of me at all the family reunions I attended while pretending not to be related to anyone. Who knew the Brown girls were polyglots! They speak cat, sign language?, and English?! What a load of bull#/*×! I work with a kid in middle school, who, on occasion, wears a Batman belt, wristband, socks, and Cape to school. This should give an indication of Bear’s level of social evolution. We have no students as socially retarded as Matt. At this point, I believe Bam probably wishes he could spend a few years in prison. Next week Billy’s leg bone better be sticking out of his pant leg or else.

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About Ryan Berenz 1999 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.