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In Season 4, Episode 3 of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, “Winter Watch” (May 20), Billy sees an opportunity to tie up loose ends, fortify his connection with the bush, and keep his family close with a visit to the winter watch of Excursion Inlet. Along the way, a failing anchor changes everything.
In Loving Memory …
I hope you’re all ready to “fortify your connection with the bush,” because I sure as hell am after last week’s carnival of crap. This week’s episode, “Winter Watch,” is a rather dull affair that proves yet again that the Browns are the least interesting people on their own show.
The episode begins with Ami finally getting the gift she always wanted — a bathtub from a dump. Billy says that Ami wants the tub upstairs, obviously, because who wants to watch Ami bathe in the dining room? The tub is heavy, though, and the Browns hoist the thing up with some rope. Hey, anyone remember when the Browns hauled that much bigger, much heavier wooden log bed frame up the stairs? The Browns must be getting soft. While moving the tub into Billy and Ami’s room, the comforter on the bed gets soiled. Another blanket to toss into the cleansing bonfire.
Ever wonder what Noah does when he’s not pitching woo to the ladies? Noah’s been reading a lot about electricity. Noah, the Tesla of the Bush, likes running electrical current into random things. In this case, he’s hooking up a battery to a pan full of wet moss. “I don’t know if anyone’s ever tested the electrical conductivity of moss,” Noah states. So you can cross that one off your list, scientific community. Noah’s got electric moss covered. “Anything I create, I want people to see how groundbreaking it is,” he says. “What better do I have to do than watch moss grow?” Watching moss grow vs. watching Alaskan Bush People? I’d give the edge to moss.
As forewarned last week, Matt is going to turn The Skiff into another hot tub. Why does Matt undertake these ridiculous endeavors? “I’m all about the prestige, bro,” he tells Gabe. “Essentially The Skiff is a large aluminum pot,” Matt says. He’s going to prop The Skiff up, line the inside with a tarp, fill it with water and then light a fire underneath it. Matt admitted to being a sentimental fool, and he just couldn’t let The Skiff go. “It’s a very necro kind of love, I think. It’s kind of like my girlfriend died so I went and I dug her up and now I’m hiding her in the basement.” This would be a lot funnier if it didn’t seem true.
Billy’s getting sentimental, too. He wants to get his whole family together, because being together every day for their entire lives still isn’t enough togetherness for him. Billy dreams of those halcyon days the family had together on their crappy boat, the Opal. Hey, you guys remember all the fun they had on the Opal? Oh, we remember.
That night, the generator runs out of fuel. Billy suggests that they leave the generator off and instead sit around the table, light some candles and stare at each other. Even the Brown kids find this painfully boring. Good Lord, can we just watch the moss grow?
In the morning, Billy gets the family together to talk about togetherness, and how they need to do something together. Billy remembers how he promised his buddy Bruce in Excursion Inlet that he’d take some empty water tanks off his hands. “Keeping your word in the bush, it’s what it’s all about,” says the guy convicted of fraud. So the family loads up the Integrity and they’re off.
The trip there is uneventful. The kids do the buoy swing thing, which was already shown in its entirety in the season preview episode. But in the cabin, Ami is brushing Mr. Cupcake. She plans to use his hairs to knit a sweater. This is unusual, but it’s not new. Ami uses a screwdriver as a Bush Spinning Wheel. “It’s a shame he didn’t let us bathe him first,” she says. And you know that dog stinks to high heaven.
[DIGRESSION! I have a dog, Eliot, who is a mix of beagle, pug and rat terrier. He is a fine, loyal smellhound, but he sheds like a sumbitch. He’s got these short, bristly hairs that embed into fabric. I swear that all the textiles in our house contain at least 10 percent dog hair. We brush him every now and then, and it’s like shearing a sheep. Everywhere he goes, there’s like this cloud of shed hair surrounding him.]
Excursion Inlet is an interesting place. It’s a big salmon canning town during the summer, but the population goes down to below 10 in the winter. It would be a great setting for a horror film. It must smell great, too. In the offseason, they put away the larger docks, leaving only a small floatplane dock. The Browns need to scout the water’s depth before making an attempt to tie down there. Bam says floatplanes draw 4 inches and the Integrity draws … 9 feet? No way. There’s a bunch of heightened drama over bringing the Integrity in, as Billy almost rams the loaner skiff into the dock. Ah, just like those good ol’ days of ramming stuff with the Opal.
Bruce and Debbie Gordon are the “winter watch” of Excursion Inlet’s salmon canning factory. “It’s my job to keep unknowns away from here,” Bruce says. Bruce enjoys green pants and sniper rifles, which come in handy as he is also the de facto postmaster. People — weirdos mostly — come to Bruce and Debbie’s place on Wednesdays to get their mail. Bruce and Debbie treat the folks to a slice of pizza, and then people get the hell out of there before Bruce goes postal on them.
One of Excursion’s hearty folks is Mark, who might’ve lost his eyelids in a logging accident back in ’67.
Billy starts waxing nostalgic with Mark about the glory days of the Bush, back before every backwoods asshat brought a TV production crew with him everywhere he went. Ah, well, that was fun shooting the breeze with Mark. Now it’s time for someone else to do some work.
Billy and Matt survey the job of getting the water tanks to the Integrity. “You don’t need any help, do you?” Billy asks Matt, who answers, “No. Piece of cake.” Good, because Billy wasn’t going to to help Matt anyway.
For all Billy’s talk of family togetherness, the family is mostly separated during this trip. Gabe, Bear and Noah stayed behind on the Integrity, and they find an oil leak in the hydraulic motor that drops and raises the anchor. They can’t stay tied to the small dock overnight, especially with the high winds. Unable to drop anchor, the Browns have to get the water tanks loaded tonight and get out of there before the weather worsens. So we hit the ABP trifecta of Boat Malfunction, Bad Weather and Manufactured Urgency.
Back on land, Bruce makes the mistake of letting Matt drive the forklift all over the salmon cannery. Bruce likely didn’t hear about Matt’s experiences driving around a Wal-Mart parking lot. Matt barely gets the forklift out of the garage without destroying something. While driving around trying to discern his ass from a hole in the ground, Matt runs out of fuel. Matt switches the propane tank and gets a nice chilly blast of the gas on his hand. He gets the forklift going again, and then starts cruising around, unable to see over the two unsecured tanks he’s got in front. After dropping them, he decides to use his the belt from his pants to hold them together.
[DIGRESSION! What’s the deal with propane, anyway? Back in ’03, we got a brand new gas grill and a shiny new tank full of LP as gifts. I was eager to start grillin’ for the first time, and fired that bad boy up. After a few minutes, I discovered the burners were off, and several more minutes of head-scratching and curse words later, I saw that the regulator on the hose was iced up and no gas was flowing to the grill. Turns out that my LP tank was overfilled, despite the tank’s overfill prevention device. OVERFILL PREVENTION FAIL! I tried the grill a few more times over the next week or so, hoping that I’d burned off enough gas. I eventually had to find a place that filled LP tanks and I asked them to bleed off the excess gas, all fart jokes aside. Then the tank worked perfectly for 12 years. Last year I took the tank in for a refill and was told the tank had to be re-certified before it could be refilled again. Screw that. It’s almost like propane doesn’t want us to use it. Now I just use the propane exchange at the hardware store like everyone else. Jeez, did I just write this much about propane? By now, you’re all probably begging to watch moss grow.]
The tanks are eventually loaded onto the Integrity despite Matt’s incompetence, and the Browns shove off for home. While at sea, Birdy’s cat wedged itself between the boat’s inner and outer hulls and was unable to get out. “Birdy, you might want to take some cooking oil or something and pour it over the cat,” Bam suggests. Stuff like that is why I am Team Bam all the way.
In the interstitial, Ami gets to join Debbie as she rides around on a grater. In addition to winter watch, sharpshooting, pizza-preparation and postal work, Debbie and Bruce are tasked with making sure Excursion’s landing strip is clear of debris.
Back in their home port, the Browns have a little trouble tying down the Integrity without their anchor, and Matt takes a spill into the bay off the loaner skiff. Matt says hypothermia kicks in at about 6 minutes, though he says that he can last 6-8 minutes because he’s acclimated. He knows this because he’s tested this theory several times and he has the brain damage to prove it. Nothing gets one’s core temperature back up to survivable levels like a dip in the hot tub that was once the mighty Skiff. “The irony that this skiff will sit here forever filled with water, after all it did to fill itself with water,” Matt says. “It’s almost like I feel like I’m giving it what it wanted.”
In Next Week’s Issue: The Secret Spawn of Billy Brown … REVEALED!
I have to agree with JD. No offense Tim, but I believe you need an eye examination brother!
Please get that pretty girl to the orthodonist!! You guys have to be making some kind of money off that show.
What pretty girl? What show are you watching?
Um, both the little girls are cute and Birdie could use a new front tooth. I mean what are they waiting for? They’re both “pretty” in a weird bush people kind of way. Both of them would blossom in a better environment and with “normal” people.
Too little, too late..
Well, wait a minute. The word “Blossom” might be bit strong, but I guess there is room for improvement. I have never won a beauty contest either, but I get regular dental care and try not to look like a phsyco.
JD, neither girl has been anywhere to win or lose a beauty contest nor be associated with any other girls their age to learn how to speak, how to wear their hair, how to wear makeup or have clothes that weren’t picked out of the trash. Neither girl chose to be in the miserable group that they’re in and it should be considered child abuse to keep them there. They both seem to have more brains than their half-wit brothers but can’t use them because of their “Family” being all “Bush people”.
Isn’t it funny how Discovery depicts Gabe as so “mechanically inclined”? I also think should Bear should find the tallest tree in Brownclowntown and jump off so we can all find out just how extreme he really is. I’m sure he’ll land just fine bc he’s so awesome.
Why take the tub upstairs? Now they have to carry hot water up there??? Or are they going to run pipes up there, heat the water, and then pump it up? Hardly sounds bush to me.
Didn’t they set that skiff on fire?????
Don’t try to start them “thinking” and all. God knows where that might lead.
Ryan, your Skiff Memorial and “carnival of crap” comment was by far my favorite take from this week’s review. I suppose this episode was rather uneventful in preparation of the travesty that we are all very likely to witness on this week’s upcoming episode. I just can’t get past how dirty this family appears. The Browns do not wreak of awesomeness, they wreak of filth in every sense of the word. I can’t wait until the Integrity sinks and they decide to start a cargo business by air with Billy piloting the jobs himself, oh wait, how could I forget, Billy would never do anything even remotely resembling work. He’ll probably just send his wife and youngest daughter instead. What a tool! Thanks Ryan and everyone else, keep rockin and rollin guys!
Oh, Ryan…you’ve done it again, my friend! I absolutely live for your re-caps! I’m sure we’ll all have a field day with the upcoming episode. Billy actually makes a comment that he hopes his daughter (from a previous marriage.)…(I just threw up a little)…doesn’t ruin things for his “family”. What the Hell is she?! She’s his daughter for God’s sake! He needs to be bitch slapped for that one. On a different note…I am offering my services to clean up the mess they’ve made once the show ends and they become another town’s problem. I have a degree in Forestry & Wildlife Conservation, and I have to tell you, my heart rips in half every time I see what disrespect they’ve shown to the land they call “BrownTown”. All I ask is to be flown out there & back home on Discovery’s dime. No doubt, it’ll take a good 6 months of 12 hour days to get that land back to the way it’s meant to be. Ideally, the BrownClowns should be forced to clean it up…but it would be done half-assed if left to those half-wits. I’m done venting…for now! I know I said I wouldn’t watch, and I really didn’t mean to…it was the guy in the green sweatpants that made me stop dead in my tracks while walking from one room to the next. I still have nightmares…
Doesn’t “ruin things for his family”, duh? They can be ruined more than they have been under Bumbling Billy’s leadership? It should be renamed “Clown Town” and yes they have completely disrespected the area. They’re lucky they don’t get struck by lightening every time they show their faces out of doors.
Ryan, I too watch this show just so that I can read your recap and wait for all the followers of this blog to respond. I watch to see how far a company (Discovery) will distort the truth to make money. The show is utter trash; my son in high school produced a documentary with so much more truth and passion than the idiots who write and create this distorted reality they sell! I watch to see the train wreck; not sure what that says about me but I can say I’m astounded as to what Discovery has become. Thank you all for your hilarious and on-point commentaries to this blog. I will truly miss all of you once this show bites the proverbial dust. Until then, lets see what utter crap Discovery produces next.
Ryan – I really enjoy your recaps. I’ve read them all. Also, I wouldn’t admit it outside this forum but I’ve watched every ABP episode. (My wife thinks I’ve lost my mind)!
I think the last episode set a new BORING benchmark. Wow, no Billy or Ami health emergencies. Only one minor fake problem with the ol’ boat, not counting the stuck cat of course.
I’m sure that Duh-Vinci’s exciting research in the field of electrified moss science will yield great things. Heads up, Nobel Committee. I love the way he arranged the copper wire and connected it to what appeared to be a dead 12V battery. You just can’t get good batteries from the dump like you could in the old days. This spaced-out dimwit has some serious issues!
Can’t wait for the upcoming long lost daughter episode. I can’t imagine how they will spin this one. Obviously, Billy will be the victim of some family or gubmit conspiracy????
Keep up the great work Ryan.
Your weekly recaps are the only reason my husband and I still watch this show. I laugh so hard I usually cry! Also, I noticed a few weeks ago that Rainy wears a lot of Patagonia. Discovery tries to blur out the labels but they do a poor job. Any preppy college kid can tell exactly what it says. The Browns must be pretty good at bartering, because generally people with no jobs or money can’t afford that stuff. This show is just too much!
They do a pretty bad job of blurring out the Patagonia logo as it was very obvious what brand it was. Of course they don’t actually do much right on this show. On the other hand kudos to Patagonia for not wanting their fine products associated with the Brown mess.
Not wanting their products associated with them? What’s that about David? Also, did you hear anything about the boys, I mean men, hawking Billy’s books on CDs, that contained blank CDs, to unsuspecting cruise line tourists, on the docks as the tourists were departing?
I just read that about the CD scam a couple of times but not really sure the truth to it. On the other hand, would it be hard to believe it happened? Heck no! I don’t believe anything the Browns say, and it is hard to discount any allegation made against them. They have built up zero goodwill with me at least. No benefit of the doubt anymore. Lie about everything and I assume everything else is.
Forgot to mention the bed-yes I recall that. It was so huge that you wondered why wasn’t it built or put together up stairs. I have been catching up on your recaps wish I read them in order. Wow you actually interviewed Billy and the rest. How did you feel being just a writer interviewing Billy with his accomplished books and many children stories? You forgot to ask Ami about her cook book Put Something Wild On Your Plate. This woman could be the next Martha Stewart. You did well I thought you had to be nervous as to their greatness. Did you have any regret as in at least the one question you did not ask? Also would like to thank you and David. I’m 65 years old and I find it hard to believe that I’ve written so much I am wiz on the computer and this here is user friendly. I’m surprised that I can write like I talk hope you now what I mean as English was not a good subject for me.Well thanks again and looking forward to your next recap which wow how do you explain that after you lost your entire family in a plane crash that within a year you get married.I know the reality of it is you just ignore it.
see I didn’t check my spelling now I’m having a grade school flash back.
Henry, you are doing just fine. I am right there with you. I have enough spelling and grammatical errors that I cringe often when I re-read my posts. Keep in mind the quality of the show we are talking about. I am quite sure you would be the most talented writer in the whole production crew for ABP.
That interview was a weird situation for me. Discovery had been pitching us for a long time, and I admit I really didn’t want to do it. I’d read some really terrible, softball interviews with the Browns, and there was no way I’d do one of those. So I asked a bunch of lighthearted stuff in the beginning and then gave them the chance to present their side of the story on the controversial stuff. Of course there were a ton of questions I coulda/woulda/shoulda asked, but it became clear that Discovery would not allow them to be answered. It’s certainly not my favorite interview, but I did my job, stayed true to the mission and made the best of what I got.
Well your recaps are the best.The comments here are for the most part good and informative. Some of the best reading that I’ve enjoyed.
Has anyone ever figured out what it costs to runt the mighty Integrity? What to they barter for fuel and for the Captain that piolets her because none of them are qualified? I know there is one because he is listed in the credits along with the builders and the safety crew.
Well the Integrity is a WW2 old Navy patrol boat with a big old diesel guzzling engine. We had a guy on here a season or two ago that was quite knowledgeable on the boat and its mechanics. I think we came up with low hundreds of dollars per hour to even run the boat with fuel especially if you figure the cost of marine fuel out in the wilds of Alaska. That isn’t including any maintenance and many other things required to operate a boat. Boats are complete money pits. Then their fake hauling jobs would never amount to hardly any money at all. Keep in mind there is not only a few companies that haul freight but the Alaska Marine Highway ferry system serves many of the neighboring communities with large ships that haul lots of cargo and passengers. Then figure the whole family is involved so you have feed everybody and attempt to pay some form of a wage if this were real life, which is laughable at this point. Our conclusion has been that you would lose thousands on every fake hauling job. Of course we all know there is no real hauling business as you would be subject to many operating licenses, insurance, business licenses, coast guard checks and certifications and we know they have none of that (they once used a shoestring to fix a broken throttle cable). I am sure they are just certified to operate it as a filming for a TV show.
Obviously at this point when you watch them attempt to operate a boat you instantly know they have almost zero experience operating a boat. So there must be capable people that operate everything behind the scenes.
Hello David. The gentleman you mentioned was spot on regarding the operating cost for this old tub. Most people talk of miles per gallon. With this type of vessel you’re talking gallons per mile.
This boat is referred to as a 62 footer. It appears to have about a 16-18 ft. beam (width). I can’t even guess at the tonnage but this “ain’t no lightweight”. This type of boat is called a displacement hull which means it simply “pushes” the water away as it moves forward. This drag really loads the engine so no economy champ. I believe the engine is a 60’s or 70’s vintage 8V71 or 8V92 Detroit Diesel.
Yes, there is definitely a lot of maintenance on this baby. I assume the real owner just day leases the boat to Discovery with maintenance and repair of the damages these goofballs cause while filming the fake hauling business. Just a wild guess.
I really enjoy your comments and your perspective as a real Alaskan. Thanks.
The 1st period intermission came on of the Tampa Pittsburgh game so clicked to Discovery and there is Noah taking that girl into the chicken coop and playing that whatever it is and (singing?).Who said you can’t believe everything you read. I went to the kitchen made a sandwhich and when I got back in front of the TV it was the beginning of the new episode and they are hauling up a bath tub from the outside. Why is it hard to believe what your seeing? With thoughts of is Matt moving in with his bed or is this a bear proof matress idea of Noahs’? Ahh hell with it I went back to the hockey game. I’m way good with the recaps even thou when I read them I feel like I should watch apb when there’s a rerun. Good hockey game Tampa nearly blew a 4 goal lead.
Ryan, I look forward to your recaps every week. You make me laugh. And sorry to inform you, you missed an entire episode. I know you would really like to write yet another column about the Brown Clowns. “The Book of Gabe” aired on 5/18/16. If my DVR hadn’t recorded it, I would think I had dreamed the episode where Gabe’s bush braces are revealed to the audience. Did anyone else see this?
Thanks, Eddie! I heard about “The Book of Gabe,” but didn’t see it. There are just so many “Off the Grid” and “Best of the Bush” episodes that are just old footage repackaged into a “new” episode.
Oh yeah, I hear ya. One thing I noticed in this new season so far, not much talk about how they are feeding themselves. After all the yak about how chickens create a sustainable important food source, this season, well, not so much. Noah is living in the chicken coop. Just another façade that’s too hard for Discovery, and the Browns, to keep up with. So we just won’t discuss how we’re all just eating pizzas in Hoonah every night.
Ryan, sorry to inform you, but you also missed “The Book of Bear” episode that aired 5/25. I’ll rephrase, you didn’t miss much. Imagine almost a full hour of Bear repeating how “awesome” and “extreme”he is, not to mention his advice on dating.
Damn shame I missed that. I’m skipping all the “Book of” specials, since they’re essentially repackaged reruns. I heard something funny about Bush Braces from “The Book of Gabe.” Still not enough to get me to watch.
Hey, David! I was thinking we might all have to kick in a little to get you some therapy as ABP seems to send you into depression, but now I believe your reply IS your therepy. Don’t quit watching and keep writing!
Continue to watch this show is just craziness for me at this point. If I were to do a pros and cons list the cons would take up a 3 ring, college ruled 5 subject notebook and the pros side would be blank. It just makes no sense at this point.
Basically Ryan’s recaps are great, I like swapping posts with you guys and after a couple of years this seems almost like tradition at this point. That is all I have.
You got me to hang on, therefore you must also.
Great tribute to the skiff, Mr. Berenz, and I particularly like the way you use the Ketchikan Daily News article (8th time?). It’s like getting hit over the head with a 2 x 4, but in a fun way! The aluminum thickness of your average Lund fishing boat (.53 to .80) compared to aluminum cookware (.22/ lower the gauge – thicker the material ) might lend itself to the Browns cooking themselves, if we are lucky. The whole boating situation reminds me of opening day of fishing at any boat landing/launch in Minnesota. Bleachers could be installed for the number of people that just go to watch the fiasco. I noticed Billy actually pretended to help hoist up the tub. He touched the rope anyway. To me, Raindrop looks stoned most of the time. I don’t know how Discovery convinces/tricks other Alaskan to be filmed, but could they find more eccentric, creepy characters? I hope Mr. Greenjeans and that bug-eyed fella were well paid. Lastly, Ami is useless!
Even the official ABP Twitter account gave me some love for that one. Must’ve been a new intern working on Friday.
That newspaper clip of the Opal sinking in Ketchikan just kills so many of ABP’s myths. It will never wear out.
How I forgot to comment on Billy actually touching the rope during the tub hoisting is beyond me. Billy doing anything even resembling work is an ABP milestone. My brain starts to go on strike (kind of like a conscientious objector) during the show so forgive me on that one.
Actually the eccentric creepy characters might be the most real thing on this show. There are lots of them here in Alaska. On average we are a different breed so the people that are a little off center, are way off center for the lower 48. Example: My next door neighbor has her brother in law that lives with them. He is early 60’s with a scruffy ZZ top beard. He drives a mid 70’s Toyota Celica that is jacked up into a 4 wheel drive that boggles your mind it even runs by the way it looks and sounds. He spends his days taking his homemade trailer down the street to the trash dump crawling around in dumpsters hauling things home that he stores in the ditch. The rest of the day he moves his junk around the yard back and forth. Recently acquired a 1985 short bus that is reconfiguring into his new RV that he claims he is going to live in full time. Folks, this is in Alaska’s second largest city in a neighborhood. I am certain he would be far and away the most interesting character on ABP. Get a little out of town or even in the wilderness and you can imagine the people you meet. I sell a lot of stuff on Craigslist and the folks that come over can be quite interesting.
That retweet is great. I have actually started to wonder if somebody hasn’t taken notice of this site and the love for the skiff and worked it into the storyline.
I love that story! There are so many colorful AK folks I’d rather watch than the Browns. Hell, I’d watch a show about Kenny from the junkyard.
LOL….Goldstream or Two Rivers? I am on the edge of Two Rivers myself.
The house I am describing is near the airport by the riverboat Discovery. Basically in town compared to Two Rivers or Goldstream. Getting out to those areas by you Peg it can get very interesting. We used to own rental cabins in Goldstream valley and the places were heated with wood stoves and had no running plumbing and outhouses. We rented to some characters. All in all they are good people, just liked living off the grid and having their freedom. We are a different breed here in Alaska.
BTW – Peg we own a cabin out on Chena Hot Springs road so I pass through your neighborhood every once in a while
Cool! Nice to me a fellow Alaskan and Fairbanksan. I thought I saw you drive by…LOL. Our one neighbor is very nice and he and his wife have been very kind to me as I have struggled with a life-threatening illness. My other neighbor is a complete nut. He believes the military choppers flying over are dropping listening devices into the ground so they can spy on us. Um, ok…I really am not that exciting. I mostly talk to my dogs and my plants.
When we moved in here there was soooooo much stuff to clear out. Among the junk was a short bus. The guy who owned it said he’d come for it. When he didn’t, we towed it up across the road and left it there. LOL. Dude, your trash in not going to overflow our yard!
My hubby has his own Toyo heater business now and boy he has gone into some crazy places. I went with him one time and this lovely young woman had her place so full of junk that there was about 2 square feet for us to stand. She had to sit on the edge of her loft.
Your description sounds like a very Alaskan neighborhood on the outskirts of town. Every neighborhood has one or two nuts. Required in Alaska. The amount of junk collectors is really astounding up here.
I bought a property two years ago and in had all kinds of crap on it including (but not limited to) a 1974 Pace Arrow RV and a 1979 short bus. Think of the people stopping by for the Craigslist ad on those two.
Man, I love Alaskans:
http://www.ktva.com/drunk-man-steals-front-end-loader-smashes-it-into-liquor-store-and-runs-from-police-388/
Mark (the bug eye guy) is my father. He’s definitely eccentric, but not creepy, he just has seriously intense eyes. Like, literally all the time.
If this is true, it is AWESOME!
this was a great discrption. I literally laughed my ass off as people looked at me, but i didn’t care:))))
Hank Hill can tell you anything and everything you ever wanted to know about propane Ryan.
I’m anxiously awaiting the first: “if you don’t like the show don’t watch it” comment.
On a serious note tho, a story surfaced this week about Billy’s “grandchild” (think they said the other daughter, not the one who shows up on this show) Anywho, apparently Billy’s 14 yr old “grandchild” was killed in a motor vehicle accident last week
Weren’t the Browns spotted all over San Diego “off season” because they only speak of Seattle on the show?
I saw the story about Billy’s grandchild. Not a whole lot of details. I suppose more will come out.
Yep, the Browns were in San Diego. I thought we might see/hear more about that, but it doesn’t fit the “Billy Needs Medical Attention” narrative.
A lot of the If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Watch It crowd doesn’t show up here anymore. I kinda miss them.
Billy’s 14 year old grandchild was actually killed in 2006. The current articles about this leave out the date. I read about it a couple of months ago in an ABP Facebook group. The group also posted an article about the grandaughter and pictures of Billy’s daughter, who recently made a trip to Alaska for filming.
Alright, time for another round of would you rather. Would you rather watch another episode of Alaskan Bush People or pull your toenails out with a pair of pliers? I know I saw that pair of pliers around here somewhere. Good gosh this show can soil Alaska way worse than the Exxon Valdez ever could.
We learn that Ami has wanted an indoor tub for a long time. Guess the last few months traveling the west coast and years of living in a neighborhood in Texas didn’t get her fill of indoor plumbing. Rather than just take some of the young strapping boys and just walk in the front door and up the stairs like normal people we have to pretend like it has to be hoisted. Oh the drama. Also of course it has to be put upstairs in a cabin with zero indoor plumbing cause that makes a lot of sense to have to lug water upstairs. Also it makes it much harder to drain the tub. Ami tells us this is the biggest luxury in Browntown. Forget the new $30,000 skiff, generator, lights, newly built cabin, expensive firearms and Michael Jackson leather coats… nope… it’s a rusty bathtub throw in the corner. But they never even show us having it plumbed up and we know we will never see that.
While the rest of the family works, Noah wants to put electricity to moss. In this episode Noah takes the early lead on Billy for the laziest Brown of the week award. At this point Noah even being on screen is just a tremendous waste of time like everything else on this entire show. Mankind has always wondered what would happen if moss was electrified. Thank goodness Noah is around.
Matt is continuing to desecrate our beloved skiff by putting it on logs with 2×4’s in between them to turn it into a hot tub (Matt describes the 2×4’s as tongue and groove siding and it couldn’t be further from that. This not a show that bothers with any details).
Billy sees the family working on different projects and thinks they aren’t close enough. OMG! Why don’t we just find a doctor that will put the entire Brown family in a circle and sew all of their butt cheeks together and just get it over with. Seriously… if one of these kids ever did get married is Billy wanting to lay in bed between the new couple on their wedding night so he can stay close? This story line is so stupid as it is almost impossible to be any closer than they are. Because of all this Billy thinks they need to go on a cruise. Kind of like they do every week in the fake hauling business. Just truly amazing the number of times Billy feels like they need to take a family vacation to get away from it all. Except for the fact none of them work and have nothing to get away from.
On this weeks… lets attempt to make it look like Ami does anything at all, it is time to make dog fur clothing. Blah. Yea, one look at what the Browns wear for clothing and it doesn’t take long to see that it is 100% store bought. I am going 100% on the probability we never see or hear about the dog fur coat again. More made up BS to fill some time.
On our weekly… the Browns have zero clue how to dock a boat segment, we have to endure a risky boat docking while almost smashing the skiff. Why not just anchor the Integrity offshore and take the skiff in? Or learn to dock a boat. You know, like a family that half of them are captains and the father has run a fishing boat for over 30 years. Ughhh.
Now for the Alaskan perspective of the week. The so called “tanks” that the Browns need to remove for free are valuable. Here in Fairbanks we have virtually no natural gas available so most all of our homes are heated with heating oil. In order to save money some of us haul the fuel oil ourselves. Those exact tanks you see that are usually around 250 gallons are in pickups all over town in the back with a pump on the top of it to haul fuel home to keep our houses warm. They sell anywhere from $150 to $300 per tank depending on condition. Also some of these tanks are used to haul water if they are clean as a number of people in Alaska have no running water at home. These are not things people just get rid of in Alaska. Nobody is getting rid of them for free. Typical Brownonomics where they get stuff in a barter that is worth money for free or virtually nothing. Oh those cunning Browns.
We have to suffer through Billy meeting what is probably real Alaskan homesteaders and hear about how Billy is one of them. Again Billy was convicted of lying of even living in Alaska, at all let alone in the bush. Double blah.
The loading of the totes is horrible like everything else. They can’t dock a boat. Matt can’t just load simple totes on a fork lift. You can see in the scene where he drops one and at the last second he steers the forklift sideways to in order to have the top one fall. Bruce has an entire cannery town but nobody has a rope, bungee cords or a tie strap anywhere so Matt’s belt has to save the day. BTW just tying them in one place would still allow them to tip over in other directions, but whatever. Everything the Browns do we are led to believe is a life of death race against the clock. Getting back to Browntown, loading the totes, getting the Integrity undocked ect ect ect. This is just such ridiculous made up drama. Bruce tells us that because the Browns stick together that helps them survive. Weird that Bruce nor any of the other bush characters doesn’t have their adult children tagging along with them.
Ami and Bruce’s wife (don’t remember her name and I am not rewinding for anything) are shown riding in the grader to “clear” the runway. For those of you who aren’t following this the grader would be clearing snow in the winter time. There is no snow so they just drive. We see one time for a quick second the blade hitting the dirt. Otherwise they just drive. This sums up this show in a nutshell. Completely pointless.
Highlight of the show for me was the cat supposedly caught between two walls and trapped and one of the Brows suggests pouring cooking oil over it. Oh those wacky Browns.
We finish the hauling job with the Browns trying to tie the integrity off to their anchor buoy. At one point we have Browns hanging off the front of the boat, Matt falling off the skiff, Gabe losing his temper and breaking the integrity door down, and other chaos. Again, they are trying to anchor the boat, not launch a rocket. This show is such a big fat contradiction in every way. They are rough and tumble survivalist living in the bush for 30 years developing their own way of life, their own language and the absolute simplest things they struggle to accomplish.
Lastly Matt “invents” the bush hot tub. Blah blah blah.
I cannot describe how little I want to hit the play button on this show. Honestly, it is complete torture. At this point I don’t see how it takes over a day to film this anymore. It is obvious they could care less about putting out any kind of quality show that makes any sense. Why on earth I continue to watch is beyond me. In fact I realized this week that I think I even kind of feel a little dirty watching and even supporting this show in any way anymore. If war prisoners were forced to watch this it feel like it would be against the Geneva convention or something.
To answer your question about Billy and his kid’s wedding night yes, yes he would because he is a control freak. But I’ll bet pretty heavily that we’ll never have to worry about seeing that in an episode because whose going to marry them?
Well excellent point John. Talk about a hypothetical situation. Poor Ami and her lack of grandbabies
AS retired auto worker when I worked we would get 4 of those tanks filled with soap to scrub the floors-we made transmissions. The company that provided this chemical would pick up the empties and replace them with full ones. Well one of the not too bright fellow workers took 2 of them and threw them away. It cost us 400 dollars for that mistake. The employee was wrote up but not given time off.
A) I was wondering about the value of the tanks and what the Browns intend to do with them. Glad you took that one up for me!
B) I missed exactly what happened to the door. Sometimes when I’m taking notes during the show, I miss a detail. All I saw was Bam picking up the door with a puzzled look on his face.
C) “(don’t remember her name and I am not rewinding for anything)” is a classic! Thanks!
We were led to believe that Gabe lost his temper and broke the door down. We never actually saw it but saw the door go down and him go by in a huff. It was pretty was pretty quick.
Tanks can provide water source and drain for the tub? Noah Duh Vinci can get the whole shebang together in no time, but it will require new construction to make a water tower for gravity feed. Only time will tell.
Has anybody figured out during the season opener how the almighty cake baking over works, as it has to run on propane but with microcephaly Matt’s problems with this heating fuel, they are all in trouble – and where did the propane take come from or get filled. [That is why there is a road to the property.]
Finally, the annotated episode that comes on before the weekly session, it was interesting to have Discovery relate that Bam knows how to start a fire with polarized sun glasses. Just point them to the sun, even though they do not have any optics included in them – it is all done by polarization. What a dolt, but even worse that Discovery is dumber that the entire Brown Clown clan.
Hee hee I feel like my Corgi’s fur would be quite good for making sweaters, he’s got that fluffy undercoat and he sheds quite a bit around this time of year. He’s my best bud 🙂 Yes I’m all for the #TeamBam…the kitty would have surely worked her way out, it looked like to me. Anyway just watching moss grow on this show…
I noticed that the keyboard that Noah “found” and “fixed” so that he could “play” and “sing” arrived in the mail plane to the cannery and was packed in the back of the truck for later use.
Wow. Nice catch! I might have to take another look at that.