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In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People Season 4, Episode 2 “Driving Miss Rainy” (May 13), Noah stays behind to continue repairs to Browntown; the rest of the wolf pack embark on their riskiest haul yet with the aim of securing the skiff they need.
Future generations will study the horribly titled “Driving Miss Rainy” episode as an example of Alaskan Bush People at the peak of its shittiness. It contains every phony ABP trope, cliche and gimmick that’s been played out in various forms over the past three seasons.
On the Integrity, Matt decides he wants to get a little shut-eye, so he makes a hammock out of some rope and a blanket. “Wake me if anything happens,” he says, expressing the thoughts of everyone watching this show.
The Browns are doing another job that Haulin’ Paul Weltzin handed to them out of pity. In return for transporting his buddy’s Suzuki Samurai across Icy Strait, Paul will loan the Browns a spiffy new skiff for the season. They’re going to Groundhog Bay (not to be confused with the very bad February holiday or the very good Bill Murray movie) to pick up the Samurai for transport.
At the dock, Bam discovers that they’re going to need a new tow rope, which is something they should’ve thought of BEFORE they left. Gabe finds a rope, but it’s frozen. And here I thought “frozen rope” was just baseball slang. Gabe pours sea water over the rope to thaw it, averting a rope catastrophe. Gabe’s online tech school course in Rope Science just paid for itself.
Rainy’s in the Integrity‘s cabin complaining to her mom about how she’s tired of sitting around being the prettier sister. She wants to do some real work and not be a lazy slouch like her father.
Bear invasions have left Brownton Abbey with only 12 functioning arm-band radios, so Noah stayed at home to try and get things back in working order. He’s also staying behind to creep the bejesus out of visiting San Diego-area waitress, short-film actress and 2012 Miss California hopeful Karryna. Noah’s first order of business is to repair a hatchet by ruining a perfectly good monkey wrench in the process. “The hatchet broke. A bear probably stepped on it,” Noah says. Um, suuuure. My childhood would’ve been so much easier if I could’ve just blamed stuff on bears. Noah welds the hatchet blade onto a monkey wrench and turns it into a “monkey ax.” “I shall call it Damascus!” Noah says while proudly posing with his implement.
It’s a hefty tool, with the added weight of the wrench making it too unwieldy as a hatchet and too small for an ax. “All legendary weapons, it’s theorized that they’re made from Damascus steel, and like Excalibur, no one can move that ax,” Noah declares as he pulls the blade out of a tree stump. “Almost no one.” Douchebag.
In Groundhog Bay, the Browns meet up with clients Todd and Natalie. Todd needs the Suzuki Samurai shipped to Hoonah, but all the other haulers are busy and he’s desperate, which are the only logical reasons to do business with the Browns. “It kind of trickled down to us,” Billy says to Todd, instilling the client with zero confidence. Billy might as well make his marketing slogan be “Brown Family Hauling: For When You’re Desperate And Have No Other Option™.” I bet Todd is totally going to punch Paul the next time he sees him. Why Todd even needs this vehicle delivered to Hoonah is one of the great mysteries of our time. It hasn’t run in three years, and suddenly he needs it for his “business” in Hoonah.
Back on the Integrity, Ami starts having a flare-up of Ami Brown Syndrome. Her shoulder and neck start hurting, and Gabe urgently runs off to get Billy as though Ami were having a cardiac arrest. Billy comes in, assesses Ami, and says, “I’m off the job.” There’s no way Billy can work now. Someone has to sit and tell Ami to remain motionless.
Bear is eager to impress Natalie with his lumber-carrying technique and red leather jacket. I couldn’t decide if Bear’s jacket was more “Beat It” or “Thriller,” so I Photoshopped both and will let the people decide:
Noah wants to impress Karryna with his old-timey black-powder pistol and his skill at forging ammunition. We find Noah melting lead to make musket balls. I know very little about metallurgy, but I think everyone knows that lead is toxic and can cause brain and neurological problems, especially in children. (This explains a lot about Noah, actually.) So is Noah actually using lead or some kind of safer tungsten-alloy alternative? These are the questions that keep me up at night! “On a first date, you should make an impression that is something that will never be forgotten,” Noah says. “As long as she remembers that, from now on, when she sees a black powder gun, she’ll think of me.” Oh, I think Karryna will remember you anyway, Noah.
At Groundhog Bay, the Browns are ready to get the Samurai on the barge for its voyage to the bottom of Icy Strait. Todd probably wants to dispose of the Samurai, and making it the Browns’ responsibility seems like the easiest way to do it. Rainy is given the important task of “driving” the Samurai onto the barge, because you always want to put 13-year-olds behind the wheel of your client’s car. “Do the windows roll up? I don’t want my hair to get whiplash,” Rainy whines. My eyes definitely roll up.
Loading and towing the barge goes rather smoothly, but the progress is slow and Billy’s all Nervous Nelly about getting back to Hoonah before dark. “And you know darn well if we put that thing in the ocean, the Coast Guard’s going to be all over us,” Billy tells Bam. The only government agency the Browns haven’t pissed off yet is the Saint Lawrence Seaway Development Corporation.
Karryna arrives at Brownton Abbey ferried by Some Guy With a Skiff. She’s easy on the eyes, even though she’s bundled up for the bush. Here’s what she looks like in her native climate taking selfies in restroom mirrors:
Noah shows her around Brownton Abbey, and then he takes her to his place, the former chicken coop. (But it’s not too bad. It’s just the feces there.) Then Noah goes over to the keyboard he found in a dump and plays Karryna an original song. “It’s one of my songs that has the most soul in it,” Noah says. Oh, so now he’s the Al Green of the Bush? As you’d expect, the lyrics — which I assume I can’t reproduce here without ASCAP getting all over my ass about paying Noah songwriter’s royalties — are terrible. They involve imperfect rhymes and broken hearts repaired by glue and some tape. It is the exact opposite of this:
Like every other girl who signs up for the ABP date gig, Karryna is polite, says the Browns and their way of life are “interesting,” gives a few uncomfortable glances and then gets the hell out of there once her contractual obligations are fulfilled. “It was quite a risk for her to come here,” Noah tells us. Noah calls this “date” an “experiment,” though luckily for Karryna, this date did not involve jars of formaldehyde.
Still fancying himself a fancy lad, Noah gives Karryna a gift of some seeds, telling her “Anywhere that you plant these, there’s a piece of Browntown there, and it will grow into a magnificent tree.” I’m no botanist, but I know that Browntown Trees are an invasive species and should be eradicated. “I don’t know if it will survive in your environment down there,” Noah says. “It’s a little bit like me, I guess.” And that will be all we need from you today, Noah.
Does the Hoonah harbormaster soil himself every time he sees the Integrity coming? The Browns are so close to having this job done, but then Matt and Bam argue about some nonsense. Bam shoots down Matt’s stupid idea, and Matt overreacts again because he is a delicate little tulip. Go back to sleep in your hammock, jackass.
They’re able to get the Samurai off the barge just fine, but the vehicle gets stuck at the bottom of the ramp. Bear goes up to street level to seek some help, and lo and behold, someone drives up in a pickup truck all eager to assist. It’s not entirely clear, but it looks like it might be Hoonah mayor Kenny Skaflestad with his ol’ smellhound riding shotgun. (I heard there’s an entire legion of Skaflestads in Hoonah, and maybe they all look like Mayor Kenny.) Nonetheless, the Browns get the Samurai towed up the ramp and the job is done. Bear leaves a note on the windshield for Natalie that looks like it was scrawled by a 6-year-old.
Back in Brownton Abbey, the Browns gather around the fire to spin yarns about their sea adventures and Noah’s epically bad date. They’re also really happy about their new loaner skiff. “That thing is awesome. It’s nothing like our old skiff,” Bam says. My ears are burning.
After disrespecting The Skiff, the Browns suddenly get sentimental about it. They decide to hold a funeral service for it. I should be touched by this, but I’m consumed with blind rage. Noah plays a little dirge on his flute until Billy cuts him off. A few words are spoken, and then Noah shoots a flaming arrow into a bale of hay inside The Skiff. Any solemnity or reverence intended in this half-assed Viking funeral ceremony is undone because the Browns are idiots and The Skiff is aluminum and will not burn.
“Burn well,” Matt says to The Skiff as the family walks away. HA! HA! YOU GO BURN WELL IN HELL, MATT!!
Next week, Matt further desecrates The Skiff by turning it into another bush hot tub. Noah tries to electrify moss. And some crazy guy with more assault rifles than teeth is going to defend his turf against outsiders. I hope Noah packed his black-powder pistols.
Well I see it’s Penguins and Lightening Friday at 9 pm so looking forward to your recap again. Still haven’t seen a rerun of the new season yet. I don’t have dvd r as I wasn’t even recording with my vcr back in the days. See on facebook the lost daughter and some kind of out house shed that’s going to be dragged across the water.Looks like a long season so you’ll be busy.
Oof. Don’t remind me. BTW Henry, what are your favorite sports teams?
Raised in the Detroit area that aside it’s the Yankees.
This may be the greatest blog I’ve read in awhile. I work at a fire dept where every week our crew sits down and watches ABP, have since the first episode. We laugh our asses off and it’s awesome that we found this site. Now we look forward to check in your take after each episode. Thanks and keep up the great work
And a question: has Kenny really never been seen since the root cellar?
Thanks, Jake! Best wishes to everyone in the firehouse. Kenny was not seen again in Season 3 after he helped Matt with the root cellar. So obviously Kenny is dead and buried in the root cellar. Kenny appeared very briefly in the first episode of Season 4, but I think that was just creative editing, CGI or holograms. 😉
Will Matt just please get a haircut and stop this ensuing fashion madness on Brownbum island?
“prettier sister” That’s priceless! Love it!
I will say one thing about this episode, when Ami had her “attack” Gabe looked genuinely scared shitless, he’s either a really good actor or old Ami really did scare him…. ????
Gabe is a terrible actor. Remember the look he gave the camera when he was gunshy about shooting the deer? https://www.channelguidemag.com/2015/01/24/discovery-channels-alaskan-bush-people-recap-birdy-get-gun/
Not sure if I dreamt this or if it came to me in my cold medication induced haze…ABP board game! You would have to run the board backward because most every drawn card would be a setback: your boat sunk, missed the shot, bears wrecked camp, loose your sentimental belongings, got a date?!?! Jump ahead two spaces! Girl vanishes…go back three, collect dividends from Alaska?!?!, Go Directly To Jail!
And everyone wins, because all the players came together and stepped up to get the job done!
This made me literally LOL. You made my night.
Absolutely fantastic! Community Chest cards could be… Go to the city dump and collect 25 perfectly good 55 gallon barrels
I watch the show, I love it, they make me laugh!! So what if how they live is different than how you live. In this world we are all different and that’s a good thing!!
If you dont like it, don’t watch its not like someone is holding a gun to your head telling you, to watch
Love The Browns!!!
And why is the episode entitled “Driving Miss Rainy” ??? She wasn’t being driven, but was the “driver”—of sorts, that is. A better title would be “Driving, Miss Rainy?” or “I’m Miss Rainy, and I’m Driving” or “Driving the Viewers Crazy” etc. etc.
How was it known about karryna being a short film actress and a Miss California was it mentioned on the program or did you have to research for it?
Some intrepid folks on Facebook discovered some posts she made on an ABP page. They’ve since been deleted. After that, it wasn’t hard to connect the dots.
So basically we are saying that Karryna wasn’t looking at this as the crown jewel of her acting career? Something that was going to send her many leading lady offers. I am not sure if she should be more embarrassed by being on ABP or a porn movie. Either one is probably a stain on the resume.
Not a crown jewel of her career, since she works @ the Rockin’ Baja Lobster – Gaslamp, in San Diego – an area frequented by the Brown Clowns earlier this year (along with a tattoo parlor, and who knows what else). Also noticed in her bathroom selfie, she sports a wedding band. No wonder she did not take her gloves off on her tour of the chicken shack.
How in the heck did I miss the wedding band? Great catch! Funny stuff
There is so much going on that’s missed. Good observation and great catch Para.
I haven’t been to facebook in a long time so I went and was surprised to read negative things about the Browns.Always thought anything negitive was always deleted. Maybe I was just lucky as deleting negitive comments has to be a full time job.Then I went to the Brown Alaskan wilderness site and see its not functional. Ryan your a good read I don’t know if you’ve written any books but this is one best seller on the Browns.I just hope it would be cheaper then Billys’ One Wave at a Time.
Isn’t that one wave a time interesting! I just went to Amazon and the new price is down to only $77 and there are some used ones now. A number of months ago it was only new and it was like $150 per copy. It was like they didn’t want you to buy it.
I don’t think the Browns Wilderness site ever worked. You think they would have been smart to hock their trinkets on the site.
ABP’s Facebook page can be a raucous affair. I have only been there a small handful of times over the years. It was mostly fans on the site at the beginning with a few haters obviously trolling. Then the last time I was there it was probably a lot closer to half and half and haters might have been the majority (I really dislike the term “hater”. I think the show is complete crap and they are criminals but I don’t “hate” anybody.). I just went there, and the comments are way way down from previous numbers. It is in the low hundreds now and used to be in the thousands. Still seems like a bunch of people brawling about the Browns. I think this is just another indication of ABP losing their steam. I have started throwing dirt on their grave before thinking this show would die only to have it continue on. I think we are closer to the end then the beginning though.
I happen to follow a link to the Alaskan Bush People Exposed facebook site. Looks like you are getting a following over there…
https://www.facebook.com/alaskanfrauds/
The site was working about a year ago or so. The books were not available it said at this time and if you wanted it you could get on a waiting list.Now did it require a deposit also I don’t know.Even the ordering of the children stories which I understand was never available was there.
Oh the children’s books. That has been an interesting topic. At first when this show hit the air it was said Billy was an accomplished writer with numerous books and over 70 children’s books. Then it was only 2 books plus the children’s books. Then of course the questions get asked “where would we buy these 70 children’s books?”, because there were no trace of them anywhere. Kind of an inconvenient fact when you are making these wild claims. Finally in an interview with one of the kids it finally comes out that really aren’t any books, but Billy was just a good story teller around the campfire. The only book available “One wave at a time” is now claimed by most to be complete fiction. The fisherman in southeast Alaska said other than a few small jobs the Browns were never in the fishing industry. If you follow their actual trail of know whereabouts when living in Alaska it does nothing to support they ever fished. In fact if they had an real fishing skills they would probably go work in that industry and make money rather than fake jobs like the Suzuki. So in the end… Billy being an accomplished author and being a 30 year fisherman on his own boat… LIE (like this entire show).
Wow and thanks David. There is a hell of a lot some good and some bad reading there.
(in George Costanza voice):
“Hi I’m Noah, I live an old chicken coop in the woods with my parents and family. I have no job or education and like to go to the dump and do experiments on dead things.”
Karryna: ” Oh, Hi…”
Brilliant, Mitt. https://youtu.be/6Tc3Catq07U?t=40s
I loved Seinfeld (before I have seen every episode 5,000 times). Great reference!
I must agree with Mr. Berenz, this episode was reaching rock bottom. I enjoyed the recap and the sweet photoshopping, though. Noah and the keyboard was the highlight for me. If he’s acting (and for his sake I hope he is), his pompous ass character is pretty funny. If not, unsupervised dating should not be allowed. And, if Ami is such a cripple, why does she insist on going out in a wavy, rocking boat (if, indeed, she was and not in a studio somewhere)!
Highly doubt she is anywhere nearly as injured as they are putting on. I think they are… 1) Trying for some kind of drama to a very repetitive stale show 2) Playing the sympathy card 3) Great excuse for Billy to sit on his bum which is his only real goal in life
The theater of the absurd.
1. At first they put down just two planks on which to “drive” the Suzuki up onto the barge, then “realize” those two planks would not be sufficient to bear the weight of the vehicle. No kidding! That was obvious to a 5-year old.
2. How TLC let the Suzuki story line go forward when the vehicle owner said the thing had not worked for 3 years, but it was now somehow imperative that it get to Hoonah, is beyond me.
3. Rainy trying to act “tough” and up to any “job” was cringe-worthy —she should be getting an education so she won’t be forever stuck “driving” non-working cars for a living.
4. Billy sitting with Ami because her neck hurts and explaining he was now “off the job” reached new heights (depths?) on the Ridiculous Scale. Ami would have been better off with some peace and quiet instead of having Billy beside her bellowing at his children every 5 seconds.
5. Noah’s fake date—c’mon! No one believes that was real. And, Noah, it has to be said—you cannot sing—-really—please do not do that again, at least not on camera. That performance was right up their with Birdie’s “meow” demonstration from last season. And who takes a date to a chicken coop and proclaims it as his home? Single ladies of the world—-run away—run as fast you can!
6. Noah and “Ax-chet”, or the “Hat-Ax”. It’s a lethal weapon alright—lethal to whomever is dumb enough to use it. Further, why weren’t you and Karryna wearing eye and ear protection when you were shooting? I’m surprised Noah and his concoctions haven’t blown Brown Town sky high by this time.
7. Birdie, please, get your teeth fixed—if not for your looks, then do it for your health.
My # 5: should be “there” not “their” —whew! I am my own “Grammar Police.”
By the way, Billy (what grown man goes by Billy?) Said the hauling job “trinkled” their way. He didn’t correctly use the term “trickled”. Just saying.
Whew, you folks spend a lot of your life picking others apart ? Do you get paid to do that?
Ryan does.
Once again Ryan, you’ve outdone yourself! Great recap! I unfortunately found myself wandering into the room to find the t.v. on the ABP episode. I wandered in during Noah’s “singing”…and wandered back through during his “flute solo”. Good Lord…if he had a day job I’d suggest he keep it. He definitely has no musical ability. He’s a turd. I found myself wishing I had more work to do on the other side of the house as I kept having to wander through the t.v. room and each time, I was wishing I was nearer the back door…even knowing deep inside I’d never make it to the outhouse to vomit. Not that Ami was ever in the running for Miss America or anything, but what the Hell has happened to her over the last few months? Woman looks like she was rode hard & put away wet. Like she fell out the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, bounced & hit them all on the way back up. Not for nothing, but she could use some chapstick. As far as her painful neck issue…if she was an actual “homesteader”, she’d have to work through the pain. As an example, I’m missing some bones in my spine. They’ve begun to disappear randomly. It’s a thing. Someday, I aspire to be a mass of gelatinous goo. Until that day comes, I work the ‘stead every day because, well, that’s just what we do around here. That’s what ANY homesteader does. Ami just proves what most of us have already come to realize…she, along with the rest of the BrownClowns are nothing more than one giant pain in the neck.
“Rode hard & put away wet.” Nicely done, CT_H!
Bear doesn’t say careful and carefully. Bear says killful and killfully. Just another uneducated Brown family tradition.
Well, this new season just reaffirms that anything is possible in America. This group of lying, cheating, incompetent, grotesque people need to be imprisoned. I would like to know however if Noah realizes how truly uneducated and pretentious he really is. I’m sure he would twist the presented truth into some type of narcissistic psycho babble. I’ve only had one burning question this whole series: Do these ADULTS not feel a bit awkward or off living with their parents after 21 years of age? Brownbum ringleader Billy has taught his “grown ADULT children” that laziness, thievery and incompetence is the correct path to take. It is just a tv show and true I don’t have to watch, however, it blows my mind that there really are incomprehensible idiots like these people in the world. I eagerly watch with shock and self-disappointment rather than curiousity. Billy and his entire clown troupe are a disgrace to people that really do have health problems and seek help. I can’t wait until the episode where the Integrity sinks because I know it will come. But until then, The world owes Billy and Scami and all your ADULT children a living, right Browns????
They never left port frederick with that tow job. Loaded in Hoonah, towed it around the bay and unloaded it in Hoonah.
Gawd. I believe that.
Thanks for bringing me up to speed. Tampa Bay 3 Pittsburgh 1 was a good game-checking in on the Tigers between periods well thats my cross to bear. The skiff baffles me as why the Brain Noah didn’t fix it with a can or two of flex seal. Perhaps it’s not too late as you mentioned it is being turned into a hot tub which will make it two hot tubs-well a family that size needs it. Great pics and photo shop pics especially the monkey ax which did you photo shop or was this the real deal?
Damascus the Monkey Ax was the real deal, an unaltered screen capture.
I dread even turning ABP on at this point. I have cleaned the house, the garage, and even cleaned out the litter box to avoid this. I guess since I have the tidiest house in the neighborhood it is time to press play… SIGH.
Open scene shows Bam about to crash the Integrity into another dock. Didn’t just last episode Billy say in his excuse for PFD fraud that the family hitches rides with lots of boat owners because he and most of his family are captains and people want them on their boats? Any time any Brown is at the helm of a boat near a dock chaos is sure to ensue. I doubt this skill is in big demand.
I like the minute that Gabe tells us how much work there is to be done and they all have jobs to do we cut right to Ami and Rainy playing cards. Yea looks really tough there. Rainy tells us she feels guilty that she isn’t doing more to help out the family. Hmmm, maybe that is because the family is probably no more than 20 feet away working (supposedly) while you are sitting on your bum. Of course rather than just go help out, all they do is have another one of the million family meetings to discuss this. This is much quicker than Rainy just jumping in and lending a hand on the work to be done. And we cut out with no real work being done. Yep, no DNA test necessary, she is definitely a Brown.
We cut back to Noah at Browntown and it looks like a hurricane has hit the place including large trees knocked down and stuff scattered everywhere. Who knew the bears were also lumberjacks. The monkey ax that Noah discovers is cringe worthy. That thing would be horribly out of balance and probably dangerous to use. Seriously, all of the expensive equipment they have and they can’t muster up a decent hatchet? Also keep in mind that it took a welder and grinder to make the monkey ax and a generator burning fuel. Example 3,457 of nothing is too stupid for this show. Of course such a fine creation must be named, so it becomes Damascus.
Back to the hauling job. We learn that the Suzuki Samurai has a lot of sentimental value to up the pressure on the hauling job. Oh the drama just went up a notch.
Now Ami just sitting in a chair is having excruciating neck pain. Yawn. Always a Brown go to story line… somebody is hurting. It would be interesting to see how much Ami would hurt if she did any actual work on this show. Thinking back Ami might have stirred a couple of pots of food and… hmmm… that is all I can think of in all of the seasons combined. Ami is worried that her pain might halt or disrupt what the Browns are doing. Trust me Ami, you aren’t halting or disrupting anything except the audience falling into a coma due to severe boredom. Billy is worried that stress is causing Ami’s pain. Maybe the stress that your lying made up reality shows ratings are falling and the gravy train might be over? Especially with working for a living not an option. You are getting up there in age Billy, maybe Social Security fraud could be next on your list. We hear Ami’s neck pop in a horrible dubbed in sound effect that is absolutely laughable. Of course this ends with Billy must sit with Ami and not be involved in the job. And BINGO, he has a way of sitting on his ass which is always Scammer Billy’s real goal in life.
Bear and his 80’s Michael Jackson leather jacket is tremendous. Abslutely a must for outdoor work in Alaska. We all have 2-3 in our closets.
We are told that in addition to Noah staying behind to fix up Browntown he is going to meet Corrina. I guess Noah’s idea of fixing up Browntown is sitting on a log playing in the fire. We learn that Noah was with Chrisitne for 3 months and it ended in heartbreak. I only remember a very weird and awkward date they had, but this show is make it up as we go so whatever. Noah’s date with Corrina is going to involve him teaching her how to shoot a black powder pistol. Wow, I hope she can make up the beach to Browntown before she starts ripping her clothes off. Noah thinks this will make sure she always remembers him. I think she will remember you Noah, for all the wrong reasons.
Back to the hauling job we have to endure a scene of Rainy steering the Samurai down a beach and hear how she is really stepping up her game. Yawn. We must go on for 3-4 minutes with different family member interviews on how awesome Rainy did. She basically sat there and at the appropriate time pressed a brake pedal. Of course these are the Browns so any form of competence must be applauded due to its rarity.
Back to Noah and we see him getting Corrina’s number on a beach down south in his puffy pirate shirt… ARRGGGHHH. Noah tells us that this date is an experiment to see if he is able to be what he was before Christine… which was pure awesomeness of course. That is why she went screaming off into the night never to see him again. Are we sure there are actual profession writers involved in this show?
Back to the hauling job, they up the drama by speeding up and submerging the front of the barge a bit. Oh the horror! First the brothers tell Bam to speed up, then scream at him to slow down because HE is sinking it. Perfect example of why Bam can be excused for losing his temper with this clan. Billy continues to tell us if something goes wrong the Coast Guard will come down on them. Guaranteed there is no actual commercial business going on, just some idiots towing a Suzuki samurai that hasn’t run in years on a barrel raft for a camera crew. Love Billy yelling at Bam “are we good out there?” rather than actually take a few steps and see for himself. How freaking lazy is this guy? Seriously, this is for the camera supposedly to show what a tough survivalist he is on his TV show. When the cameras are off I am not sure this guy expends the energy to even wipe himself after using the bathroom.
Corrina has to be regretting coming out to Browntown when she sees the chicken coop Noah sleeps in. Just think Corrina, this could all be your one day if you play your cards right. Ooops, forgot she is a paid extra on the show. And she speaks so that probably means she earns about $500 on the day to try really hard to even seem mildly amused by the complete crap show going on around her. Ok, the only time I even cracked a smile in this whole episode was Noah singing his song to Corrina. Nothing will get a girl like singing a breakup song written for a previous girlfriend. Nice play Noah! She tells us that Noah has a romantic side to him. She doesn’t tell us, but we know she means that side will not be coming out with her but maybe somebody else in the future. Of course Noah starts blathering on about Christine to Corrina. If I have learned anything from dating it is that it is always a winner to talk about your ex-girlfriend who you are not over yet to a prospective new girlfriend on a first date. Works every time.
Back on the hauling job Bam and Matt argue. Matt says that Bam doesn’t respect him. Coming from a guy who built a tire house with a self-destruct mechanism, a saran wrap house, a hot tub of tarps to cozy up with your sister, chased a bear with a stick and his other brilliant ideas I don’t blame Bam for not wanting to go along with anything Matt says. Gabe brilliantly tells us they don’t get along and work well together. Another reason why 99% of the human population on earth moves out of their parents homes when they are of age and lead their own lives. But please boys, continue to live with mom and dad and all your siblings for the rest of your lives as Billy drives the Browntown wagon over a cliff.
Corrina is given seeds in a bottle by Noah and told to plant them somewhere and Browntown will grow elsewhere. Good gosh Corrina please tell me you handled them like a sample of Anthrax and sent them to an incinerator for immediate disposal. Goodbye forever Corrina as I don’t see you bearing little Noah’s anytime soon.
Browns struggle to push the Samurai up the steep ramp at the dock. Why they even tried I will never know. It is obviously way too steep. Good Samaritan pulls the Samurai up the ramp with his pickup while the Browns grunt and act as if they were actually doing anything. I am sure I will wake up tomorrow with a sore neck from shaking it so much over the last hour. They return to camp to find Noah by the fire. Also not missed by me the entire camp looks perfectly clean including the large trees and trash are all moved and gone. Boy, Noah was sure a busy beaver (as if). The Browns have the audacity to rip on our old beloved skiff to compare it to the new skiff. I bet our old hero skiff sunk itself to end the misery. Wait, what?! They burned our old skiff? You bastards!! Also note how they start a large fire and just walk away to leave it unattended. The state of Alaska always encourages fellow Alaskans to start forest fires whenever we can. Looks like next episode Matt turns the skiff into a hot tub to soak with his sister again. Boy, if you just play your cards right Matt… Why oh why do people get the wrong idea about this show? Also for everybody scoring at home the Browns worked part of one day and netted a new skiff with a value between 25-30K. That is called Brownonomics!
This episode was quite boring and was completely dragged out and I cannot believe I wrote this much. I need help!
Should I be touched that they decided to hold a funeral for The Skiff or pissed off because it was such a lousy one? The Skiff belongs in the Smithsonian, dammit! I’m going to have to build some kind of Skiff Shrine. Next week I have to watch Matt desecrate it. I hope Ghost Skiff haunts the Browns for eternity.
If indeed Matt goes hot tubing with his sister again in our beloved skiff can we call boat protective services or something? Come on! That is beyond cruel
ABP episode 2 was down slightly in total viewers vs. episode 1 but up a bit in the demo rating: http://tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com/2016/05/16/friday-cable-ratings-may-13-2016/
That is probably a huge relief for them to have the ratings tick up a bit. They really couldn’t afford a large drop from the premier.
This show is a complete abomination for viewers, but from an investment standpoint it seems like it is a big winner. They have to be rolling in profits on this thing. Production costs seem like they have probably tightened up a bit from previous seasons. The last episode could easily have been shot in a day. The moved a Suzuki 10 miles and Noah had a date. Cut and that is a wrap! Discovery and Park Slope Productions are quite smart to wring every last cent out of this show while they still can. If people are dumb enough to watch it (me included) make the money.
Maybe someday I’ll have to see how much original content is actually in a typical ABP episode. Take out all the establishing shots, “Coming Ups,” “Just Seens,” old footage and junk like that and you’ve probably got 10 minutes of new stuff per episode. It’s like how in a 3-hour football game there’s only about 11 minutes of actual football played.
Just seems to me like earlier seasons of the show the episodes were shot over more days. Now in the first couple of episodes it seems like it is plausible that they could be easily done in 1-2 days of shooting film not counting editing and effects back at the studio. So figure a 10 episodes season you might be able to get out of there in under a month. Very smart because remote Alaska is very expensive to operate in.
Your football game example is right on. If we consider all of the filler who knows how little they really need to shoot. It has always amazed me how little actually happens in the show.
Hey Ryan, I endure ABP just to read your recap, please don’t stop.
I noticed that Noah used his bush-made portable propane torch, (they cost money) on heat shrink tubing to hang flowers or some such crap. I wonder what they bartered for heat shrink tubing, or did Noah make it in his tent or did they just get some from the production crew. Its the opposite of scenes on other Alaskan shows where they carefully remove nails so as to use them again, here he is hanging non-degradable polyolefin in an effort to trash the place even more if that’s possible. Seriously, some disaster areas don’t look this trashed, all’s they need is a “shootin car” in the front yard for target practice to round out the effect.
I literally said “whiny little bitch” after one of Noah’s broken heart tirades over a girl he filmed with one afternoon. Amazingly there is footage of when Noah met this week’s actress.
The monkeyaxe was just awful, worst welding ever.
The fake drama over the travel time had me convinced that math was left off the home school curriculum (a topic that rocks and sticks actually could be used to teach). Increasing the speed for a 5 mile trip to a speed proven to swamp the barge would save less than 20 minutes. And they just had to leave on this day because there might “be weather” the next day. So what were they going to do once they got there since they don’t believe in boat lights, just stay there until weather goes away?
Finally the Skiff scene felt like they knew that the skiff was more respected than they were, a situation that couldn’t be tolerated. So they burn a pile of straw in it thinking that know we will respect them more and the skiff less. I can’t help but feel this was directed at Ryan.
Good job again Ryan, hang in there, keep us laughing.
It would be funny if they did all that because they know how much we adore The Skiff.