Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People recap: Driving Miss Rainy

Ryan Berenz

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In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People Season 4, Episode 2 “Driving Miss Rainy” (May 13), Noah stays behind to continue repairs to Browntown; the rest of the wolf pack embark on their riskiest haul yet with the aim of securing the skiff they need.

BearNatalie

Future generations will study the horribly titled “Driving Miss Rainy” episode as an example of Alaskan Bush People at the peak of its shittiness. It contains every phony ABP trope, cliche and gimmick that’s been played out in various forms over the past three seasons.

On the Integrity, Matt decides he wants to get a little shut-eye, so he makes a hammock out of some rope and a blanket. “Wake me if anything happens,” he says, expressing the thoughts of everyone watching this show.

The Browns are doing another job that Haulin’ Paul Weltzin handed to them out of pity. In return for transporting his buddy’s Suzuki Samurai across Icy Strait, Paul will loan the Browns a spiffy new skiff for the season. They’re going to Groundhog Bay (not to be confused with the very bad February holiday or the very good Bill Murray movie) to pick up the Samurai for transport.

At the dock, Bam discovers that they’re going to need a new tow rope, which is something they should’ve thought of BEFORE they left. Gabe finds a rope, but it’s frozen. And here I thought “frozen rope” was just baseball slang. Gabe pours sea water over the rope to thaw it, averting a rope catastrophe. Gabe’s online tech school course in Rope Science just paid for itself.

Rainy’s in the Integrity‘s cabin complaining to her mom about how she’s tired of sitting around being the prettier sister. She wants to do some real work and not be a lazy slouch like her father.

Bear invasions have left Brownton Abbey with only 12 functioning arm-band radios, so Noah stayed at home to try and get things back in working order. He’s also staying behind to creep the bejesus out of visiting San Diego-area waitress, short-film actress and 2012 Miss California hopeful Karryna. Noah’s first order of business is to repair a hatchet by ruining a perfectly good monkey wrench in the process. “The hatchet broke. A bear probably stepped on it,” Noah says. Um, suuuure. My childhood would’ve been so much easier if I could’ve just blamed stuff on bears. Noah welds the hatchet blade onto a monkey wrench and turns it into a “monkey ax.” “I shall call it Damascus!” Noah says while proudly posing with his implement.

Damascus

It’s a hefty tool, with the added weight of the wrench making it too unwieldy as a hatchet and too small for an ax. “All legendary weapons, it’s theorized that they’re made from Damascus steel, and like Excalibur, no one can move that ax,” Noah declares as he pulls the blade out of a tree stump. “Almost no one.” Douchebag.

In Groundhog Bay, the Browns meet up with clients Todd and Natalie. Todd needs the Suzuki Samurai shipped to Hoonah, but all the other haulers are busy and he’s desperate, which are the only logical reasons to do business with the Browns. “It kind of trickled down to us,” Billy says to Todd, instilling the client with zero confidence. Billy might as well make his marketing slogan be “Brown Family Hauling: For When You’re Desperate And Have No Other Option™.” I bet Todd is totally going to punch Paul the next time he sees him. Why Todd even needs this vehicle delivered to Hoonah is one of the great mysteries of our time. It hasn’t run in three years, and suddenly he needs it for his “business” in Hoonah.

Back on the Integrity, Ami starts having a flare-up of Ami Brown Syndrome. Her shoulder and neck start hurting, and Gabe urgently runs off to get Billy as though Ami were having a cardiac arrest. Billy comes in, assesses Ami, and says, “I’m off the job.” There’s no way Billy can work now. Someone has to sit and tell Ami to remain motionless.

Bear is eager to impress Natalie with his lumber-carrying technique and red leather jacket. I couldn’t decide if Bear’s jacket was more “Beat It” or “Thriller,” so I Photoshopped both and will let the people decide:

ABP Bear Beat It

ABP Bear Thriller

Noah wants to impress Karryna with his old-timey black-powder pistol and his skill at forging ammunition. We find Noah melting lead to make musket balls. I know very little about metallurgy, but I think everyone knows that lead is toxic and can cause brain and neurological problems, especially in children. (This explains a lot about Noah, actually.) So is Noah actually using lead or some kind of safer tungsten-alloy alternative? These are the questions that keep me up at night! “On a first date, you should make an impression that is something that will never be forgotten,” Noah says. “As long as she remembers that, from now on, when she sees a black powder gun, she’ll think of me.” Oh, I think Karryna will remember you anyway, Noah.

At Groundhog Bay, the Browns are ready to get the Samurai on the barge for its voyage to the bottom of Icy Strait. Todd probably wants to dispose of the Samurai, and making it the Browns’ responsibility seems like the easiest way to do it. Rainy is given the important task of “driving” the Samurai onto the barge, because you always want to put 13-year-olds behind the wheel of your client’s car. “Do the windows roll up? I don’t want my hair to get whiplash,” Rainy whines. My eyes definitely roll up.

Loading and towing the barge goes rather smoothly, but the progress is slow and Billy’s all Nervous Nelly about getting back to Hoonah before dark. “And you know darn well if we put that thing in the ocean, the Coast Guard’s going to be all over us,” Billy tells Bam. The only government agency the Browns haven’t pissed off yet is the Saint Lawrence Seaway Development Corporation.

Karryna arrives at Brownton Abbey ferried by Some Guy With a Skiff. She’s easy on the eyes, even though she’s bundled up for the bush. Here’s what she looks like in her native climate taking selfies in restroom mirrors:

Noah shows her around Brownton Abbey, and then he takes her to his place, the former chicken coop. (But it’s not too bad. It’s just the feces there.) Then Noah goes over to the keyboard he found in a dump and plays Karryna an original song. “It’s one of my songs that has the most soul in it,” Noah says. Oh, so now he’s the Al Green of the Bush? As you’d expect, the lyrics — which I assume I can’t reproduce here without ASCAP getting all over my ass about paying Noah songwriter’s royalties — are terrible. They involve imperfect rhymes and broken hearts repaired by glue and some tape. It is the exact opposite of this:

Like every other girl who signs up for the ABP date gig, Karryna is polite, says the Browns and their way of life are “interesting,” gives a few uncomfortable glances and then gets the hell out of there once her contractual obligations are fulfilled. “It was quite a risk for her to come here,” Noah tells us. Noah calls this “date” an “experiment,” though luckily for Karryna, this date did not involve jars of formaldehyde.

NoahKarryna

Still fancying himself a fancy lad, Noah gives Karryna a gift of some seeds, telling her “Anywhere that you plant these, there’s a piece of Browntown there, and it will grow into a magnificent tree.” I’m no botanist, but I know that Browntown Trees are an invasive species and should be eradicated. “I don’t know if it will survive in your environment down there,” Noah says. “It’s a little bit like me, I guess.” And that will be all we need from you today, Noah.

Does the Hoonah harbormaster soil himself every time he sees the Integrity coming? The Browns are so close to having this job done, but then Matt and Bam argue about some nonsense. Bam shoots down Matt’s stupid idea, and Matt overreacts again because he is a delicate little tulip. Go back to sleep in your hammock, jackass.

They’re able to get the Samurai off the barge just fine, but the vehicle gets stuck at the bottom of the ramp. Bear goes up to street level to seek some help, and lo and behold, someone drives up in a pickup truck all eager to assist. It’s not entirely clear, but it looks like it might be Hoonah mayor Kenny Skaflestad with his ol’ smellhound riding shotgun. (I heard there’s an entire legion of Skaflestads in Hoonah, and maybe they all look like Mayor Kenny.) Nonetheless, the Browns get the Samurai towed up the ramp and the job is done. Bear leaves a note on the windshield for Natalie that looks like it was scrawled by a 6-year-old.

Back in Brownton Abbey, the Browns gather around the fire to spin yarns about their sea adventures and Noah’s epically bad date. They’re also really happy about their new loaner skiff. “That thing is awesome. It’s nothing like our old skiff,” Bam says. My ears are burning.

After disrespecting The Skiff, the Browns suddenly get sentimental about it. They decide to hold a funeral service for it. I should be touched by this, but I’m consumed with blind rage. Noah plays a little dirge on his flute until Billy cuts him off. A few words are spoken, and then Noah shoots a flaming arrow into a bale of hay inside The Skiff. Any solemnity or reverence intended in this half-assed Viking funeral ceremony is undone because the Browns are idiots and The Skiff is aluminum and will not burn.

“Burn well,” Matt says to The Skiff as the family walks away. HA! HA! YOU GO BURN WELL IN HELL, MATT!!

Next week, Matt further desecrates The Skiff by turning it into another bush hot tub. Noah tries to electrify moss. And some crazy guy with more assault rifles than teeth is going to defend his turf against outsiders. I hope Noah packed his black-powder pistols.

Alaskan Bush People Ghost Skiff

26 Comments

  1. Oops! “Hopefully and mercifully, people will lose viewers as they become more enlightened and disgusted by the shows outright lies”. I meant THESE people. LOL

  2. Oops!! “Hopefully and mercifully, people will lose viewers as they become more enlightened and disgusted by the shows outright lies”……I meant THESE people. LOL

  3. Okay, when are all the ignorant, naive people out there going to realize what is really going on with this show??? How can they be so blind??? Everything about this show is FAKE, and I get so sick of all the lies coming out of the Browns’ mouths I literally sit there and name-call and scream and curse sarcastic comments at them on TV!!!!! I hate myself for watching, because everything they do is an insult to people”s intelligence! MOST people, anyway! Like on the show where the shot was fired….they were supposedly going to bed, (before being whisked away back to the lodge in REAL reality). If going to bed, why were they still miked up?? Do they always supposedly sleep fully dressed?? And why was the film crew still conveniently filming during this?? And why would the film crew, right there outside, not have been able to tell where the shot came from?? Why would they not have called the police?? It is supposed to be private land, after all. How stupid does Discovery think we are????? It’s just so blatantly obvious at least 200 times per episode that it is all a farce! WAKE UP, YOU IDIOTS WHO ARE STILL IN LA-LA LAND!!Do you also still believe in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny??? I am ASHAMED of myself for watching this viscous assault to reality, as there is no reality in this reality show AT ALL except that the Browns are related. That’s about it. Why do they even call reality shows REALITY?? Especially THIS one??? Ryan, I very much enjoy your re-caps. I want to stop watching this BS show, but then I would not be able to enjoy your comments as much without seeing what you are referring to for myself. Hopefully and mercifully, people will lose viewers as they become more enlightened and disgusted by the shows outright lies, and it will be dropped forever, as it should be. I used to respect Discovery….until this show opened my eyes. I am so appalled, insulted, and disgusted by Discovery now! To just LIE over and over like that speaks volumes about that networks’ ethics. Makes me wonder about my favorite show Deadliest Catch now, too. TV does not care about truth anymore, and they will lie their butts off to make that almighty dollar. Discovery and The Browns do not deserve a penny for pulling the wool over viewers’ eyes, and the sooner this train crashes into the station, the better.

  4. lol yes way too much Noah air time and same old predictable stuff. But then they had to go and diss the skiff like that when it put up with their antics for so long! I got all peeved about it and my dad said I get too attached to trucks and boats. He just doesn’t get it!

  5. Billy Dean do you talk to you mama with that mouth?! If you don’t like what the man has to say then don’t keep reading!

  6. Long time reader, first time bush basher here. Ryan your recaps are superb and I look forward to reading them. No matter how stressed or down I am they always manage to give me a good laugh. David I enjoy your insight as well but I know how you feel.

    If people who looked like the Browns showed up at your home and asked if you lived there full-time would you honestly answer them with the truth out of no fear of it being burgled? WTH Todd? You deserve a punch for that!

    I’m in my mid-40s and had 3 surgeries on my lumbar spine back in the late 2000s. It’s basically destroyed by Arthritis among other things so I live in constant pain. I’m just glad my wife doesn’t stop working or my family stops functioning when I hurt more than usual! Nothing would ever get done and we’d be living in a box. And I damn sure wouldn’t want them hovering over me constantly during that time. These people, especially Billy and Ami, have serious mental issues especially when it comes to family.

    Long live The Skiff!

    • Sorry to hear about your health problems John.
      I am certainly glad to hear that ABP are doing somebody some good. At this point I think the Browns are causing me mental anguish.

      • Thanks David. It is what is and I’m fortunate I’m able to keep working full-time. I can’t let it stop me. It just kills about how overboard they go with when she gets a little pain so I guess you can say they cause me mental anguish as well. Even my wife who rarely the watches show scoffed watching it yesterday. Most of the time I forget the show’s still on and only go back and watch them so I can keep up with Ryan’s excellent recaps. I certainly enjoy getting your Alaskan perspective as well. You point out a lot of common sense things that I sometimes miss like 25 still serviceable barrels just sitting unused in a landfill LOL!

  7. To the douche bag Ryan-the Fuck died and made you anything more than a piece of shit?!?! I have no doubts your some pathetic prick who sits on his LAZY ASS all day, stroking his micro penis, until he gets his rocks off…making fun of other people!

    At least these people are actually true to who/what they are and not some fake fuck like yourself!!!! It’s pricks like yourself, that I take great pleasure in smashing your face in, inside the octagon/ring! I’m not sure at this point if you were the kid that got bullied or did the bullying while growing up! Either way, the shit you write about people today makes you just another bully, just older by age, unfortunately not my maturity!!!!

    I’m sure some of you my claim my comments to be considering bullying! Well, to you all, it’s simple, I grew up beating the shit out of bullies and any boy/man I ever came across hurting a female!!! So, say what you will about me, I’m good with whatever you have to say, but FUCK OFF RYAN…you gutless prick!!!!!

    • I hope you made copies of your complaint and sent them to all the writers out there that have covered the Browns. Did you send them to the writers of the Alaskan News papers? What about the legal system that so wronged the Browns? Is Ryan the only writer that you found that is writing about the Browns? If your mad at what Ryan wrote you are missing a hell of a lot that is positively cruel compared to what’s written here.

    • Nobody more real than the Browns, except maybe Trump, that man is a real gun totin redneck.

    • Sounds like you been hanging with “No Brain” Noah melting lead. It’s obvious you have some kind of neurological disorder known as “Billy Dean Syndrome”, with a childish rant like that and also having the belief this family is true and not fake. You sound like the type that wishes your mommy and daddy would have spent more time with you and still hold your hand going to the bathroom like the fake Brown Clowns do with their grown children. Ryan is only writing about his observations of this fake family, as do the other writers.

  8. Oh, Ryan
    I’m sorry to send a late reply to last weeks recap- especially since I gave you some grief about timelness! As usual you observations about our “favorite make believe reality family” were witty and on point! But I felt that you may be getting a bit fatigued with our dear friends the Browns! I must implore you Do Not Give The Faith! I having been trying to figure out how to import a screen shot of Darth Vader ” I find your lack of faith disturbing!” But I think you know what I mean! Any way it 9:20 EST and Noah is electrifying moss, Matt admits to his penchant for necrophilia and Ami is teaching one of the dopey girls how to spin yarns of a screwdriver- don’t give up on us Ryan! There is plenty of crazy to go around! And the Skif!

    • Thanks, Jennifer! I’ve had ABP fatigue for quite a while. Friday night episodes are tough. I spend too much time recapping and not enough enjoying my weekends.

  9. Why is it that writers always have to write negative information about people or the show. It’s called entertainment. Show me a show that doesn’t have some fake properties involved. Writers should write to make a real difference. This is a close nit family that makes it out in the wilderness and each kid has their own strengths and quirkiness. If Noah had a fake date the producers had something to do with it so why bash? I’d love to see you accomplish most the things they do. It’s entertainment. Get over yourself. Your articles shows your true character and it’s not impressive just pathetic and sad. Get a relationship job.

    • There are not a lot of positive things to write about concerning ABP or the Browns. I would agree that they are a close knit family. Pretty much everything else beyond that is made up. As most people already know, they don’t live in the bush. Most of the things they “accomplish” are simply filmed to make them look like they accomplished something. I love reading Ryan’s recaps of the show. They are the only good thing about the show. I stopped watching when the family admitted they stole PFD monies in court (well, over the phone to the court). Even though I knew the show was fake and not a documentary before that, it stopped being entertainment for me when they admitted they are criminals. Ryan, you are doing a great job and you are a great writer. I also love it when David comments on this site. His Alaskan perspective is needed. I used to belong to a Facebook group run by Hoonah locals and they showed a lot of pictures of things like the fake hauling jobs (the Suzuki), and they have posted a lot of documents showing what the family is really like. I won’t support the show by watching it anymore, but I love reading what Ryan has to say about each episode. Keep up the great work, Ryan.

        • I think so. There are several closed groups, but there’s one with Huna In the group name. That group seemed to have the most information. I had to leave the group because I was spending too much time reading all the posts. I finally decided that this show/family is not worth that much of my time.

    • When they got shot at instead of reporting it to authorities Billy says time to move this land is not worth dying for-that’s entertainment!!?? I could go on but it’s covered here pretty good.

  10. I gotta say…every time I scroll around and see that Starbucks photoshop with Birdbrain’s face, it makes my day.

    • Just wait until you see the one I’ve got planned for this weekend, Skiffy. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND! (And now that I’ve talked it up, it will assuredly disappoint.)

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About Ryan Berenz 1977 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.