Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People recap: Browntown or Bust

Alaskan Bush People Ryan Berenz

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In Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People Season 4 preview episode “Browntown or Bust” (April 29), the Browns look back at what they miss most about Alaska while Billy sought medical treatment in Seattle. Also included are never-before-seen footage from past seasons and sneak previews of Season 4.

7 things we want to see (but won’t) in Alaskan Bush People Season 4

Alaskan Bush People

Brownton Abbey has been silent for months. Bears roam the land with impunity. Fish are safe from bludgeoning. Kenny’s body lies a’mouldering in the root cellar.

But this tranquil scene will soon be disrupted by the terrible howling of Billy Brown’s brood. The Browns are returning to the bush after Billy’s three-month stay in Seattle to get medical treatment for Billy Brown Syndrome. This comes as a disappointment to me, because I’d hoped they’d take this shitshow on the road for Season 4 and give us new stuff to make fun of. Instead, we have to make fun of the same-old, same-old.

The family is staying in a motel in Seattle, where Billy complains about taking medications, Matt sleeps off another bender in the bathtub and they all while away the days reminiscing about those never-before-seen TV adventures.

Such as … gardening! Rainy and Birdy tend to the garden, and Noah and Bear arrive with the idea of making  a “Bearcrow.” Noah, carrying two flimsy sticks tied together for the frame, looks like he’s on the procession to Calvary. They clothe the Bearcrow, which might stand upright for at least a few hours. Rainy is so loaded up with eye makeup, they could’ve just posted her up there.

Last season introduced us to Birdy and Rainy’s cats, and Birdy’s “MOW! MOW!” cat impressions. But viewers REALLY want to know if these cats are in danger from being devoured by bears. The answer: No. Bears can’t catch cats. In fact, bears seem kinda scared of cats. More reason to let the feral beasts overrun Chicago Bears Island.

Matt reminisces about his root cellar project, the “FrankenFridge” that some people (me?) called “FrankenFAIL.” What we didn’t get to see is how Matt transported the metal electrical cabinet from Kenny’s junkyard back to Brownton Abbey. We also didn’t get to see Matt and Kenny drinking water from a hose. “I love the taste of rubber!” Matt says. (DIGRESSION! When we were kids, we drank out of garden hoses all the time. It’s a miracle none of us died from typhoid.) We also didn’t get to see when Matt choked the life out of Kenny and buried him in the cellar. They must be saving that for this season’s “Lost Footage” episode. BTW, what’s up with Matt’s hair? Is he going for the Justin Guarini of the Bush look?

Also, what’s up with Bear’s red leather Thriller jacket? In a deleted preview scene, we get to see Bear making a “mechanical bull” (a bucking barrel) out of a metal drum, some ropes and some springs. It’s an excellent waste of time and resources.

“You have to be very tough to live in Browntown,” Rainy says. “You either die or survive. That’s how it works.” Well, yes, Rainy, that’s how it’s worked EVERYWHERE ON EARTH FOR HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF YEARS. You’ve been homeschooled well.

Another problem with the Lower 48 city life? You can’t “like, throw knives or shoot guns.” Indeed, these types of activities are frowned upon in Seattle. They’re more of a Chicago thing.

In another scene too dull to make the final cut, Billy bakes a cake for Noah’s birthday while Ami is laid up with Ami Brown Syndrome. (Remember all that bulljive about how the Browns don’t actually know when their birthdays are because they don’t look at the calendar out in the bush? They go by the “smells” of the seasons. Meh.)

There’s another deleted scene that throws a wrench in the gears of ABP‘s already shoddy plot machine. Last season, we saw Bear, Gabe and Rainy going out on an IMPORTANT alpine hunt that bagged zero deer and was interrupted by the gunshots from Brownton Abbey signaling that Billy was having a medical emergency. Now, in this new deleted scene, the alpine hunt resulted in someone (perhaps a Skaflestad?) shooting a deer and Gabe carrying it down the mountain. I suppose it’s possible there was a different, successful alpine hunt after the seizure incident, but that’s not how it’s edited for our consumption. Whatever. I’m thinking way too hard about this. This scene only exists so that hirsute cameraman Alex — who looks like he moonlights as the dictator of a Central American junta — can show off his Bush Toughness. Alex twists his ankle, and they make him a Bush Cast out of a plastic bag filled with moss and leave him for someone else to deal with. (Years from now, I want to take Alex out for a beer or six and have him tell me EVERYTHING.) And what’s up with all the twisted ankles on this show? I swear these people are worse floppers than Brazil’s soccer team.

We’re treated to a teaser of “Your Lower 48 Ways Are Frightening And Terrible” when Rainy drinks tap water on a dare and is completely grossed out. When did the Browns go to Flint, Mich.?

If the tap water doesn’t kill Rainy, then maybe the buoy swing will. On the Integrity, the kids hang a buoy from the boom and use it as a swing. Rainy tries it, and she thinks she’s going to die. Hey, you either die or survive, right?

In another scene off the cutting-room floor, we find Gabe and Matt in Gustavus doing odd jobs for people. This one hippie dude, we’ll call him Gus Davis, has a shack full of bats. From what I gather, Gus Davis wants to clear the bats out so he can use it as a nursery or something. Matt mentions that putting a baby in a bat-infested house is probably not a good idea. “No, not super conducive,” says Gus Davis. [DIGRESSION! I had a high-school chemistry teacher who overused the word “conducive.” I still love that word and want to use it unnecessarily all the time.] So what’s Matt and Gabe’s job, exactly? They’re supposed to install a bat locator and sound recorder provided by the Alaska Department of Fish and Game. Matt and Gabe play with the apparatus, which they claim translates human sounds into bat sounds. I can’t blame them for screwing around. To this day I can’t pick up a microphone without wanting to break into Human Beat Box mode. Not exactly sure why Gus Davis needs Matt and Gabe to install this thing, but apparently bats are kind of a big deal in Gustavus. I’ll let you guys read up on that. The last time I did research, I became an expert on the history of canned Halibut.

After sitting through 50-plus minutes of that crap, we’re finally rewarded with some BOMBSHELLS!

A) The show is not going to ignore the whole jail thing, after all. Billy says that he and Bam are going up to Juneau to serve time for the whole PFD fraud thing. We know that they’re not behind bars, but doing time on ankle monitoring.

B) Billy and Ami have a long-lost daughter? Wha? People have been tossing all sorts of stuff around on the internets about the skeletons in this family’s closet. (The best and funniest was the rumor that Rainy is actually Bam’s daughter.) I’m so skeptical of everything on this show that it wouldn’t surprise me if the daughter was a complete fabrication, inspired by that whole Ami’s Mama Drama business. [Update: The daughter appears to be Twila Wilson, one of two daughters Billy had from a previous marriage.]

C) “Our family was served with news that could change our life forever,” says Billy.

You Got Served

See you guys for the season premiere on Friday.

28 Comments

  1. Just finished watched the AB family haul a bath tub to the second floor. Are you kidding me?!! Do they plan to hook it up to an outside hose? Also concerned about draining the water thru a hole to the first floor. The laughs just keep coming. PS: Really thought they would get Bird’s teeth fixed while vacationing in the lower 48!

  2. Good Lord…
    Watching the S4 opener and the only thing that can possibly make this any better is your upcoming recap.
    This is pure gold.
    Please watch asap and share your pearls of wisdom.

  3. Ryan, I discovered this site a few days ago and I’ve been reading your past recaps. Normally I don’t post my comments to any sites, but I will here, and want to tell you, your recaps are great. I laughed so hard I coughed up a lung. Now I feel compelled to join in the discussions regarding ABP and help dispel any notions that this is real. Like many of you, I discovered ABP by accident after getting in late one night. Normally, I don’t waste time watching reality tv shows, but there are some, like Life Below Zero or The last Alaskans, that depicts what it’s really like living in the deep Alaskan wilderness. It’s nothing like what you see on ABP. I cannot believe, after reading some of the posts here, there’re people who actually believe what they’re seeing and are defending the Brown Clowns. Posts such as “Leave them alone or leave the boys alone” or “This is good wholesome family tv and it’s nice to see a family that’s close and loves each other so much”. Really? Sorry to break the news to you, but they are not boys, they’re grown men acting like 10 year olds being ordered around by slick scammer Billy, a.k.a. “Slick Willy”. It’s not normal for 9 family members to sleep together in a one room cabin.
    What you’re seeing is a cleverly, or not, scripted reality tv show, with too many holes in their story. To make it more interesting the producers developed each character, from 33?year old hyper manchild Matt to 14 year old Rainy who now wears so much eye liner she looks like a bush prostitue. Joshua and Soloman? Doesn’t sound bush enough, but Bam and Bear do.
    Take for example Matt’s hair. Season 1 and following, you see him with a short hair cut provided by Billy. Not bush enough for the producers, so they have him growing it long like the other boys, I mean MEN. Same with Bam. Anyone notice how short his hair was in season 1? In season 2 we see his hair below his shoulders. That’s amazing. I guess hair grows faster in the bush.
    Now we’ll be graced with another season of ABP since Billy and Bam will not be spending time in jail. DADGUM! We saw last season conclude with Billy informing everyone he has to leave the bush due to medical reasons. That was an attempt at either trying to appear to sick in hopes of avoiding jail time, or if Discovery decided to cancel the show, due to their legal troubles, he beat them to it by faking an illness. Yes, faking it. With cameras in his face 24/7, why don’t they ever catch him going down? We only see him after he had one of his so called seizures or Billy Brown syndrome.
    Now they’re back for another season? I didn’t think the producers could think up anymore fake story lines. Now we’re left with some bombshells to contemplate.

    • Welcome aboard! Without Ryan’s excellent recaps and discussion that follows there would be zero reason to watch this travesty. Some weeks just roll along and other weeks this turns into a pretty crazy place. It is like the ABP zealots pick a week and come in waves. This season should be another interesting ride. I think some of us are suffering a bit from ABP burnout. This is like a therapy group.

      • Thank you David. Glad to be here. Maybe instead of spending a lot of money on a therapist, reading more of the posts here and with the Good Lords help this will be a form of group therapy.

      • Hey David, I was looking forward to the zealots coming out in droves as I read from the older recaps and post. What happened to them?

      • If you don’t like it, don’t watch it. Some of us love the show. I enjoy seeing what goes on in their life-style. To each his own.

      • Thanks, Ryan. But I think I’m late coming to the party. After watching most of the marathon Discovery just aired from season 1 to season 3, for the anticipated premier of season 4, any comments I’d like to post most likely have been already addressed.
        After watching this train wreck I just can’t seem to get this out of my head. I’m seriously considering seeking out a therapist now.

          • Oh Thank you, Ryan! I’m glad to know I have everyone’s support. That’s exactly what I need after sitting through that horrendous marathon.
            But I am worried about Kenny! As I’m now part of this group, I feel compelled to check up on him, for everyone’s sake. I have the number to Kenny’s junk yard. Shall I call to see if he’s alright and try to dispel the rumors Matt buried him in the root cellar?

          • Ha ha! I’m sure Kenny is alive and well and happy pushing scrap piles with his bulldozer. There was a joke on Twitter about how Kenny didn’t appear on the show at all after he helped Matt with the root cellar. We all just ran with the story that Kenny met his fate there.

          • Hey Ryan, I see a reply cannot be made to my post from May 11 and your response on May 12. Is there an issue regarding my post? Email me if there is an issue. Thank you, Marcus.

    • My goodness why do you bother watching it. Also unless you are a producer then where do you get all your information, do you live next door to them or what. I’m sure ALL of the reality shows are edited so why don’t you pick on others for a while. Give them a break. I’m assuming all you’ve said is your opinion as I do doubt you have sat down and obtained this information from the Browns. Haven’t you ever heard of you can’t say something nice then down say anything at all. Also for you to dislike them so much it sure seems you’ve been watching every show. I don’t believe I would waste ANY time on something I dislIkeda as much as you seem to dislike this family. Good day!

      • Why do I watch? Because it’s funny as hell thats why. Never said I disliked them either. You don’t find some comedic value when watching? You have grown men running around the forest acting like a bunch of 11 or 12 year olds; how is that not funny? Parents who are afraid to let them use the outhouse by themselves? Lazy Fraudster Billy who fakes an illness every time work needs to be done then spouts off orders to the men they need to “step up” and get it done or they will all “die” or the men going out of their way to get their fathers approval? I think it’s entertaining they want viewers to believe they were recently discovered, born and raised wild for over 30yrs in the bush when it’s obvious they don’t have a clue how to survive a camping trip if they were to try. Without the Discovery crew watching over them they would all be dead by now.
        And no, I haven’t spoke to the Brown Clowns personally. I formulated my opinions based on what was provided by the producers. Oh the drama, of we are going to die, week after week is to funny to pass up when you have a family of clowns,who, according to their own account, grew up in the bush. Wouldn’t you think after 30 years they would have living in the bush down to a science? And not “Noah no brain” science.

  4. This site is just too awesome for me to pass over and not leave a comment. I don’t know if this is happening where you are, but The Discovery channel has been running reruns of ABP for the past 2 days. At first, I thought I had the Comedy Central channel on, but realized it was the Alaskan Brown Clowns. In the bottom corner of the tv screen is a countdown clock indicating how many hours are left until the new season starts. We need only wait 6 more hours for the start of the new season. The suspense is killing me. I’m sure there’s a lot of you out there like me who can’t wait for another season of “real wholesome family entertainment”. Translation- “comedic garbage”.

  5. Jeez, brighten up! Browns always reach new heights to entertain. Just the meowing totally made last season worth watching. I can’t wait!

    • Birdie being the cat wisperer was pretty dang funny, but there was many hours of bad TV for moments like that.

  6. I didn’t watch the preview episode. The show is bad enough as it is so I figured I better keep my batteries charged to try to make it through a few episodes and not wear down too early. I cannot tell you my disappointment that this show isn’t going to be a roadshow in a big city. The missed opportunity to take this show that lies about absolutely everything and ratchet it up three notches is very deflating for me. I was so looking forward to them acting like they have never seen any modern conveniences before and just take this stupidity level to new highs. Sigh… now we have to go back to fairyland, I mean Browntown, and continue on with the 1) What dumb thing does Matt try to build this week? 2) What already invented thing does Noah recreate very horribly and try to take credit for? 3) Bear running around like a 3 year old on a Mt Dew high being silly without any of the cuteness of a child 4) OMG! The Browns just discovered the cooler is empty (How the @#$% did that happen?) and the next hunt has everybody’s lives at stake because true wilderness survivalist always wait till they have no food till they do anything. Billy can choose child of the week to lecture how the very families survival depends on them getting a deer, yet probably 50% or more of the time they don’t get a deer but nobody actually dies of starvation. 5) Ridiculous hauling job of the week (that would be guaranteed to lose money) to throw us off the trail that these folks do nothing of any sort that would actually provide income for things like all of their new shiny guns, clothes, generators, tents, boats or any way to actually feed themselves. OH WAIT!! I forgot they are convicted criminals who commit fraud and perjury while stealing money from Alaskan residents. So that is how they get all that fun stuff. 6) We can watch Ami and Billy tear up because one of the kids wants to go to the outhouse and they can’t bare to have a child out of their sight for 30 seconds. All children should take a lesson and give up any sort of lives to sit around a campfire with their parents on Discovery rented land well into their 30’s. 7) Oh no!! There is work to be done Billy… time to fake another illness. 8) More fake bear break ins and constant reminders that, OH THE HORROR, there are bears in Alaska. In other words, another season of the exact same crud over an over. I can’t watch a full season of this. I was really hoping the big city was going to shake things up.
    I cannot believe this show had unseen footage and anything made the cutting room floor. The actual show seems like nothing but cutting room floor material. There was actual footage deemed too boring for THIS show? Now that is hard to believe. Did one of the camera people accidental forgot to turn a camera off that was aimed at a tree?

      • That was quite a story. Amazing it could bring a plane down but they are a pretty large bird. Sad thing to happen

    • David, you didn’t miss much. You practically summarized it pretty well without watching. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I was looking forward to seeing some negative responses to your post, but I guess that will come later, after the premiere of season four.

      • Well if the ABP mob doesn’t get me this week have no fear, they get after me like the mob every few weeks. Me pointing out the absolute stupidity and fakeness of this bring me lots of public scorn. People buying into this and believing is pretty funny in itself

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About Ryan Berenz 2057 Articles
Some thing I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife