Recap – Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Episode 16: “Josh’s Sister Is Getting Married!” – The CW, original airdate Mon. 3/28/16
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At the end of last week’s episode, the Dream Ghost of Dr. Akopian got Rebecca thinking about what — and who — is in her life besides Josh. The episode ended with a very confused Josh, holding a stack of Rebecca’s photos of him with her, asking if she’s in love with him. Cliffhanger!
Honestly, I thought Rebecca would spin some sort of yarn, but that dream did a number on her, and she takes the high road. Yes, she did have feelings for Josh — past tense — and she understands that he’s going to stay with Valencia. (She not only understands, she wants to reach out to Valencia, despite Josh’s warnings that Valencia hates Rebecca’s guts.) Rebecca’s going to trash the photos, but Josh takes them because some of them have really good angles you can’t get from selfies. I wonder if these Valencia will find these photos and cause a stir in a future episode. That doesn’t matter, though — all that matters is that the pictures are gone, so Rebecca’s clear of Josh. (She opens her cabinet and … well … no. There’s a lot more Josh stuff to deal with.)
Rebecca heads to a bar, where, unbeknownst to her, Greg’s study-drinking. He’s supposed to be studying for night school; he tells the bartender (who’s about, oh, 60) that he needs to go to school because can’t be slingin’ drinks to losers until he’s like 60 years old. After all, he’s a pretty smart guy, he got into Emory — the Harvard of the South — at one point. Rebecca comes in and they trade a few barbs; when he reveals that he and Heather broke up but refuses to talk about why, Rebecca takes the high road again. She’s going to change her patterns, rather than trading barbs and making bad decisions with Greg. As she walks out, the bartender says “Boy, she really digs you.” Greg replies, “She’s in love with someone else, but I figure 10, 11 years of me trying, I’m a lock.”
Apparently, study-drinking doesn’t work well for Greg. He gets a C- on his paper (despite that whole Emory of the South thing) and he’s pretty pissed off at the instructor, rather than himself. After a brief skirmish, she tells him he has an essay due Friday, and she expects him to do better.
“You got into the Harvard of the South after all. Which you somehow managed to mention on your test … a multiple choice test.”
He walks off in a huff when she tells him he’s choosing not to care, and sings a delightfully defensive song about why he doesn’t try, not just in school, but in life: I Could If I Wanted To.
At her apartment, Rebecca is busy getting rid of a creepy and alarming amount of Josh stuff — coffee cups, a macaroni portrait, a THONG. She’s going cold turkey on the Chan despite Paula’s confusion and insistence she should keep things (including “Channie Bear,” a teddy bear with a picture of Josh’s face taped on). Rebecca’s so close, Paula insists, so she can’t give up on Josh yet. But Rebecca says it’s game over, because he already made his choice, and he picked Valencia. Paula disagrees: “You have antibodies to his saliva, you cannot give up, you have traction. He touched the side of your boob, I saw it.”
The doorbell rings, and it’s Josh’s mom and sisters. Rebecca’s stunned to see them, and even more so when they tell her she’s been such a good family friend that they want her to be a bridesmaid. Paula is psyched — this would kill Valencia — but Rebecca still wants to make amends with Valencia. When Rebecca asks if Valencia is a bridesmaid too (and is answered with “Ew, no!”), she says it wouldn’t be fair for her to be in the wedding if Valencia isn’t. This was a clever way to get out of the wedding, but backfires when Josh’s sister decides that she and Valencia can both be bridesmaids. Ouch.
The bridesmaids and the bride all meet up to look for dresses. Valencia is late, and when Rebecca tries to defend her to the bride’s sister, she waltzes in, decked out in white and silver with angel wings. “Sorry I’m late. I just had some pictures taken for my Hometown Hotties submission to Maxim. Ugh.” When everyone else goes to try on dresses, she confronts Rebecca. “I wanna make myself very, very clear. I know what happened, I know about the kiss, and if it were any other situation I would take off my earrings, my extensions and my wings, and curb stomp you.” But she’ll be nice, because Rebecca got her into the wedding party, somehow. And Rebecca promises to do better than just be nice to Valencia — she’s going to get Josh’s family to love her. She endears herself to Valencia with some good old self-deprecation, telling the bridal party that the dresses they’re picking out won’t work for her because she has back fat and eats midnight bagels. She needs a dress that will be fit to upholster a chair. (This part is funny, and I don’t mean to get all Debbie Downer here, but isn’t it kind of sad, too? We’re so good at knocking ourselves down to make others feel better. Sigh.)
Meanwhile, at the convenience store, Marty, one of the employees, recognizes Greg (as the sourpuss fighting with the girl in the shiny dress at Spider’s). As they talk, Greg notices that Marty’s quite taken with another employee there — Allie — but they’re not an item, because she doesn’t like Marty, she’s in love with Brody (who’s the guy with half an eyelid from Rebecca’s party). Marty’s pretty sure he doesn’t have a shot with this girl, but Greg knows this type (it’s the type of girl he always goes for: the type who ignores him) and he’s determined he can get the two of them together. He equips Marty with a guitar, and Marty gets everyone’s attention and starts a supermarket serenade: Cleanup on Aisle Four. (“Cause I’m the pimiento to your olive, I want to be inside of you, but instead my heart is on the floor, being crushed like the garlic we sell by the door.”) At first, it seems to work, until Brody does some cartwheels and woos Allie away.
At work, Paula is still trying to ruin Valencia, and not listening to Rebecca, even when Rebecca says no, they’re not going to destroy Valencia, they’re going to be normal: “I’m gonna be like any other teenage ex-boyfriend’s sister’s last minute bridesmaid.” She orders “primo itchy sticky plants” (poison oak, to give Valencia “rashy nips”) but Rebecca reminds her there’s no plan of destruction, and then leaves — there’s an emergency at the bridal shop. The emergency is that the bride has found her dress and wants everyone to toast with her. She and Josh’s other sisters leave, and ask Valencia and Rebecca to get the dress packed up. The two have a heart-to-heart, where Rebecca tells Valencia how beautiful she’ll be when she’s a bride, and Valencia tells Rebecca she envies her boobs. To prove they’re not enviable, Rebecca tries on the dress and, no, doesn’t destroy it. (I predicted there’d be a rip, or a stain.) She sings the Heavy Boobs song for Valencia, which is hilarious. “I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs, dense like dying stars. I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs, I can’t run real far.”
She finishes off the song by asserting her boobs are just sacks of yellow fat, and encourages Valencia to try on the dress. She does, and she looks gorgeous, and she asks Rebecca to take a picture of her in it, just for her.
But nobody’s safe from that iCloud, and Paula, unaware of the events that led to the dress pic, has hacked into Valencia’s email and Instagram, and posted a picture with the hashtag #hotterthanthebride. Josh’s sisters and mom come to the dress shop, where the dress is being wrapped up, and yell at Valencia. Valencia in turn blames Rebecca — that’s really the only logical explanation — and says Rebecca’s been “Single White Femaling” her since she got there. Rather than deny it, Rebecca takes the blame. “Goodbye Chans,” she says as they walk out of the bridal shop, and out of her life. And when she confronts Paula on the situation, Paula confesses that she’s afraid if she’s not helping Rebecca chase Josh, Rebecca won’t want to be her friend anymore. Josh is the glue that holds them together, Paula says, but Rebecca reassures her that they’ll always be friends.
Greg has realized, watching Marty chase Allie, that it’s not good to chase someone who’s not into you. He asks Marty to call this off, and Marty calls him out on how he chases Rebecca. And Marty’s smart (he went to actual Harvard, in Boston), so Greg listens. He goes back to work at Home Base, and starts studying for real. Rebecca shows up, assuming he wouldn’t be there, and apologizes for coming in.
He makes her a gin and tonic, and they laugh a little together, and she asks him if he’d like to hang out afterward, at a bar or at her place. “What happened?” Greg asks. Did she and Josh have a fight, does she need a shoulder to cry on? Greg would LOVE to hang out with her … but he knows what that leads to for him and he can’t be in second place again. It’s awkward, and she leaves.
At home, she hears a knock on the door, and she hopes it’s Greg, but it’s Josh. He’s pissed that she hacked into Valencia’s phone. Rather than giving him the whole exhausting story, Rebecca points out that all that matters is now his family loves Valencia, and Rebecca’s out of the bridal party. She tells Josh to focus more on his family and girlfriend, and then she tells him to leave. He’s surprised. “Are you kicking me out?” “Little bit. Bye, Josh.”
When he leaves, she really does throw away Channie Bear. And then, she heads back to the bar. It’s such a Ross and Rachel Friends scene — that scene that every girl at some point dreams of having. She bangs on the door as Greg’s closing up shop, and when he opens the door, she starts kissing him. When he pushes her off, she tells him this isn’t about anyone else but him. He’s not her second choice, she promises.
Greg: Listen, if this is going to happen, you need to know something.
Greg: This isn’t going to be like a roll in the hay, and you go home. This is going to be like three days of us just ruining each other. And not emotionally. Is that what you want?
Rebecca: When do we start?
Right now. Aw, yeah. OMG!!! (I feel like this should be the season finale, but I’m so, so glad it’s not!)
All photos © The CW Network, LLC.