A&E’s 60 Days In “Cell Shock” recap: Show us your tots!

Ryan Berenz

OH, HELL YES! Our favorite Amish Mafia guy is actually joining C-Pod!! I can’t wait to learn his name or find out what he’s in for.
AmishGuy

Read more of our 60 Days In recaps here!

Episode 3 of A&E’s 60 Days In, “Cell Shock,” starts pretty much as expected. “Robert is doing everything wrong,” says Capt. Scottie Maples.

Robert is an imbecile, or at least he plays one on TV. Robert’s a danger to himself and anyone who befriends him, like poor, poor DiAundré here, who just wanted to eat his meal in peace like a female but instead gets socked in the skull.

60 Days In DiAundre

DiAundré is removed from D-Pod, and Robert is bummed. Robert will have to talk to some other inmates, which won’t go well for him.

Maryum finally enters the program. She’s Muhammad Ali’s oldest daughter, in case you missed the 37 previous mentions of that. But in prison, Maryum is Yazmin “Yaz” Brown, incarcerated for domestic assault with a knife. The other inmates’ first impression of Maryum is that she’s a little snooty, what with her not wanting to sleep in urine and all.

CotSmellPee

Tami won’t let Jennifer get away with stealing her shower shoes. Fortunately, Tami makes nice with a few other inmates who persuade Jennifer to give up the footwear. The Shoegate incident comes to a peaceful resolution. “The dynamics of F-Pod are always changing,” says Capt. Maples. “Today, Tami’s on top. Tomorrow, she might not be.” If high school taught me anything, it’s Varium, et mutabile semper femina.

On that subject, Maryum gets processed and placed in the Female Drunk Tank, which looks like a real happenin’ place at 5:12pm on a Monday.

FemaleDrunkTank

Oh, I don’t like that at all. According to all my exhaustive Internet research, that is not what a room full of drunk chicks is supposed to look like.

Ah, that’s better.

Barbra’s had a few hours in CCJ to regret her decision to do this thing. She’s clearly not embracing the opportunity that prison presents. “There’s no structure. There’s no responsibility in there,” she says. “They don’t make you clean. If you want to sleep all day, they let you sleep all day. Being in a jail, that’s crazy that you have that opportunity to be so lazy.”

YOU HUSH THE HELL UP NOW, BARBRA!! Having no responsibility is my life goal. Everything I’m working for now is so that someday I can do jack shit. I have two sons about the same age as Barbra’s, and I can tell you that every day I fantasize about being institutionalized. Enjoy this prison time, Barbra. Cherish it. The Spaghetti-Os stained sweatshirts will still be waiting for you in the laundry pile when you get home.

Tami senses that Barbra might be too “wholesome” to survive this place. Remember, Tami and Barbra have never met before and don’t know that the other one is also in the program. They hit it off, because they’re both not sociopaths.

Deodorant

Isaiah, age 19, is the youngest member of the program. In West Philadelphia, born and raised, a rough neighborhood is where he spent most of his days. His oldest brother did five years in prison. Isaiah wants to see what that’s like for 60 days. Really curious to see how friendly those guys with swastika tattoos will be.

Zac is livin’ the high life in C-Pod. He’s got the Pod Boss Seal of Approval. He joins in C-Pod Slam Night, which is when a bunch of guys share stuff from the commissary and have a big ol’ unappetizing potluck:
TacoNight

They’re having taco bowls and noodles with a bottle of black stuff on ’em. NOM! NOM!

Food is a really big deal in prison. It’s currency. You can trade some food with someone to have “buddy status” for a day. You can bet on football games and win some other guy’s egg salad sandwich. This economy is all well and good, but the whole debt collection process is a little messy. Ricky owed Cody some tater tots, and, well, there was some unpleasantness.

TaterTots

As soon as the guards left with the meal trays, Ricky “laced up” to fight Cody in an epic Pay-Per-View fight I’m calling RICKY VS. CODY: THE TUSSLE FOR THE TOTS! Ricky follows Cody into the Thunder Dome and IT’S HELLA ON, BRO!!

NapoleonDynamiteTots

We don’t see much of the fight, however, because of the 300 surveillance cameras in the joint, someone failed to put one in the Thunder Dome. This is worse than Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. I WANT MY MONEY BACK! The guards break up the fight, just as we see Cody punching the piss out of Ricky UFC-style. Both combatants are removed from the pod, with Cody having won this bout by unanimous decision.

Robert continues his steady march toward being beaten senseless. Robert will soon be getting his PIN, a code which allows him, among other things, to purchase things from the commissary. There are sharks smelling blood in the water. Robert gets into a conversation with a seemingly friendly inmate who’d like Robert to purchase him this book called The 48 Laws of Power, which the inmate describes as being about “manipulation.”

FriendsClose

I love this scene. Robert’s new buddy is like the spy movie villain who explains his entire sinister plan to the hero, except this particular hero is too dense to understand.

LikableMan

Robert has a chance to really score some points with the other inmates when he joins in a bible study session. Against all odds, he manages to royally F that up, too.

Prayer

Robert decides this is also a good time to take a strong, controversial stand against child molestation, and talks about kicking the crap out of offenders. Robert “compliments” the bible study group for being way better than child molesters. One of the inmates preaches forgiveness, but Robert will hear nothing of it. No, Robert wants to KICK SOME PEDOPHILE ASS RIGHT THIS MINUTE!! Robert says, “When God sees me, He’ll say, ‘Thank you for helping the children of the world.'”

Oh, Robert. God may be seeing you sooner than you think.

Retarded

 

12 Comments

  1. The lieutenant is retarded…This show is full of sh****…I’d be willing to bet there has been no improvements in the jail..this is a joke

  2. Barbra is a whiny, no chin, moron, I hope she gets her ass beat. And the fact that she reproduced is horrific. Even her husband can’t stand the stupid bitch.

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About Ryan Berenz 2012 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.