I have watched every episode of Naked and Afraid since it premiered, so when the series sent me a bow drill, my surroundings got all wavy and I imagined myself on the Discovery survival series. I quickly came to the conclusion that I would die. Or maybe not. Here’s why …
- My Blur Would Be Too Big. At first glance, this may not seem potentially fatal, but believe me, my bosoms might prove deadly. First of all, one of the camera people might have a heart attack when I unleash my bounty. Or someone may get so distracted by seeing me nude that they fall off a cliff or step on a snake. But the sad reality is that if I was naked, I would not be able to run. Running without a bra would be more painful than being mauled by a leopard. I would need a structural coconut bra.
- I Can’t Make Fire. Naked and Afraid and Discovery Channel sent bow drills to a group of journalists and challenged us to make fire. Below is my very, very edited-down experience, as the exhausting video was originally 45 minutes long!!!
- My Booty= Bug Candy. If there is a mosquito within 200 feet of me, it will find me. And it will bite me. One summer at camp, I had over 300 mosquito bites on my body — and this was with the benefit of clothes and bug spray! I finally got so desperate that a camp counselor took me into town so I could buy garlic tablets and calamine lotion. I spent the remainder of camp a stinky, pink mess. If I was on Naked and Afraid, I am sure that I would have so many bites that I would either risk going into some kind of medical shock from the histamine response, or I would become anemic from blood-loss.
- I Am Kinda Blind. Other than Carrie Booze, I can’t recall a Naked and Afraid participant ever wearing glasses. Without my contacts, I can’t tell between a deadly snake and a cluster of bananas. I would have to stumble around using my hands to “see,” which would get very awkward when I met my partner and Hellen Kellered his junk.
- Hangry, Hangry, Hippo. When I get hungry, I turn into the Incredible Hulk: good at lifting heavy stuff and smashing things, but terrible at interpersonal communication. I might become the first Naked and Afraid participant to resort to cannibalism.
… And 4 Reasons I Wouldn’t.
I Am Huge. I can lose 20+ pounds without looking like a walking skeleton. I might be cranky, but I’ll be functional. And that’s a big part of the survival challenge: remaining upright for enough hours in the day to complete daily tasks like getting firewood and boiling water. As a lady-giant, I would even offer to be my partner’s big-spoon. Once as an insult, an Internet troll described me as “Ma Kettle,” a character in a series of Beverly Hillbillies-esque movies in the 1940s and ’50s. I give him credit for creativity, and other than the character being twice my age, I have been compared to worse. And if she wasn’t a fictional character, I think Ma Kettle would dominate Naked and Afraid.
- I Am A Worker Bee. My limited survival experience has given me no ego. And when given a task, I am happy to do it. No job is too big or too small. Also, no blur is too big. For real-zies.
- I Have Attitude … The Good Kind. When I’m not starving, I am pretty awesome. My positivity borders on annoying, but it’s always entertaining. In college, I joined a sport I’d never seen before on a dare, and went on to earn three varsity letters. I also joined the university’s marching band because the director bet I wouldn’t. Both were hard, and I was terrible at first; but I didn’t give up. I also once ran the Chicago Marathon with stress fractures in my leg; I took off my walking cast for the run. I wasn’t going to let a few broken bones negate the six months that I’d spent training. It sucked, and it hurt, but I finished. Booyah!
- I Watch Naked and Afraid. I have watched every episode of the series — most of them in my job capacity — and I watch quite closely. Literally and figuratively. I have learned a few tricks (like how to look before you sit, so you don’t get a stick up your bum) and I’ve developed several techniques that might actually work. And if they don’t work, just add some tuba music over my escapades and I’ll be a bug-bite-covered blooper reel.
Why would you die on N&A? What would you do differently from other participants? What did I do wrong in making my bow-drill fire? (I am still sad that I couldn’t get that ember to catch.)
Naked and Afraid > Discovery Channel > Sundays at 10pm ET/PT
Ma & Pa Kettle image: Copyright 1950 Universal Pictures Company, Inc.