Fiona: At a lovely family Gallagher breakfast, most likely the last in their house, Carl is yammering on about how they can’t be kicked out of the house and reminiscing about all the things that have happened there. All his broken bones. Liam being born on the table — the one where everyone is eating. He keeps rambling on about all sorts of illegal ways they can keep the place, ones which Fiona says will land him in big-boy prison. Frank. on the other hand. is tearing copper pipe out of the house to sell. But poor clueless Chuckie — as he is sitting next to Nick and pointing at him — says they should just blame it on the mud people. Everyone stops in their tracks in shock over what he just said. Completely ignorant, Chuckie just says it’s what his friends in juvie call them. Ian tells him if he wants to stay alive he better just shut up and go to school, so off he goes. Good advice Uncle Ian! Still discussing where they can possibly live, Carl offers up some lettuce, er, uh, money, but Fiona still refuses to take his dirty cash. Frank comments that it must be nice to live in a magical land of unicorns sliding down rainbows and everyone on the south side comes out just fine. It’s people like Carl that keep the neighborhood running. Frank has no problem taking his money, so he asks him for a relocation advance.
All of a sudden, the new owners walk in with their kids to get some measurements since they thought the house was empty. Fiona gives them the sob story that they are packing up but might be a little bit longer, since they were in that house since she was born. Not getting the fact that they are taking a family’s home, the owners don’t skip a beat and say it’s OK since the contractors aren’t coming till next week. They have till then to be out. Fiona thanks them as the rest of the family comes in and creepy Carl asks if they know what a machete can do to a human body. Ian politely says he’s kidding and gets the whole brood off to school. The new family excitedly runs upstairs to check out the bedrooms as Debs walks in. Fiona apologizes to her for losing the house and she says she doesn’t care — it’s just some wood and plaster after all. Debs still plays the card that she doesn’t care, and since she’s not welcome in the house anyways, Fiona mentions that since the baby isn’t out yet, she can still stay. Not to mention that there are other options. Like adoption. Frank chimes in with his two cents that she shouldn’t be giving away a Gallagher, especially for free. Perturbed by this whole conversation Fiona just walks away, but tells Debs to just answer her phone when she calls.
Fi starts looking for somewhere to live while she’s on the clock and Sean busts her and gives her crap about him being her boss and she shouldn’t be texting at work. She just kind of blows him off, says any house she finds in her price point is condemned and then changes the subject to his son coming to visit. Her phone rings and it’s a frantic Debs saying that the sheriffs are at the house and they are throwing everything out into the street. At the same time, Debs is trying to ward everyone off with a bat as they are walking off with their stuff. Fiona and Sean race to the house as she argues with the cops that they had no fair warning. The cops beg to differ: that bright orange eviction notice was their warning and they don’t care if the new owners gave them a week. They have to get out now. The house is bank property.
Everyone arrives to help them clear the house out, and V says that she can store stuff at their house for now. Lip, meanwhile, tries to make up with Ian and offers him up his place to crash for the night. Debs and Carl seem to be covered, so Sean offers up that Fiona can stay by him. Thinking he is inviting all of them, Fiona gets excited until Sean puts her in her place that it’s just her and Liam that can bunk with him. He has his son staying with him, too, and he doesn’t want his ex getting wind that the black El Chapo, er, Carl, is staying there or he will never see his son again. After a huge fight, Sean leaves and Fiona is still homeless. Meanwhile she has a heart-to-heart with Lip about everything going on. Debs’ baby … her baby … maybe she should just start living her life for her. The cops now say they are locking the house up, so Fiona asks if she can have just one last moment inside so they let her. This was a heartbreaking moment, as she looks around one last time and then sees a closet door with the markings of every kid’s height on it as they grew up; she too sheds a tear.
Fiona’s next attempt at finding housing is to try to convince Svetlana to let her stay in the room above The Alibi with her. Svetlana straight out says no and tells her to get a motel. Fiona says that will add up, so Svetlana says she’ll get her a massage job. Fiona just laughs at that, which Svetlana takes as her feeling she is above it. Svetlana gives Fi a big lecture about how God gave her a ATM machine between her legs and she does it because she needs the money, not because she enjoys it. She just wants the American dream of opening a Quiznos sub shop and says that Fiona isn’t doing as good as she thinks she is. Which Fiona quickly discovers as soon as she’s back at work and still getting crap from her co-worker Melinda. Asking if Melinda if her cousin is still a super, Fiona wonders if they can crash in an apartment until it sells. Telling Fiona she could give two craps about her, but she doesn’t want to see Liam out on the street, Melinda says she will make the call. Excited about the potential, Fiona lets Carl know, only to learn that he will be doing his own thing. With her tail between her (non-ATM) legs, she goes to Sean’s to take him up on his offer, since it is just her and Liam. Putting the fight behind them, she tells Sean says she finally rescheduled the abortion since everyone seems to be getting back to their lives. Sean seems a little sad about this, but of course he is not allowed an opinion. Breaking the tension, Fiona starts a big happy family pillow fight.
Lip: Lip is still getting it on with the professor hottie in her office. After discussing a little literature, Helene mentions her hubby is going out of town and she asks Lip to come keep her company. Then he gets a friendly visit from Amanda. Remember the chick whose heart he broke because he was to dumb to realize what a crush she had on him, so she went crazy on him? Yeah, that Amanda. She stops by his dorm because she wants to get a picture of the painting she did on his wall since she needs it for art class. After a little chit-chat he tries to push her along since he’s busy and needs to get in the shower. As he’s standing there in just a towel, she says it will just take a minute and she’ll be out before he gets back. Trusting her alone in his room while he is in the shower proves to be a very bad idea. His phone goes off while she’s in his room. Deciding to snoop, Amanda discovers the picture he took of Helene naked in his bed. Deciding she hadn’t quite had enough bitter revenge on him, she tweets the image out and now the entire campus has seen it. Once Lip discovers this, he runs away in horror and tracks Amanda down to ask why she did it. Laughing at him, she said she saw his phone there and it was divine intervention. Feeling great for getting even more revenge on him, she comments that maybe he should have switched his pass code more often.
Trying to track Helene down in her office, Lip finds a bunch of vulgar things posted to her door. Ripping them down and racing off to her house, he is greeted by her supposed to be out-of-town husband. He begs to speak to her, nut she doesn’t want to see him. Her husband tells Lip that she is getting summoned by the disciplinary committee at school and by taking that picture, he could have very well buried her career. Trying to push his way in to speak to her, Lip discovers her husband is pretty strong. So he heads back to campus and fesses up to Professor Youens why he missed teaching class. Young admires Lip for bagging the professor at his age, so they head off to get sauced.
Ian: At the Fireman’s picnic, hoping to score with Caleb, Ian is greeted with open arms and asked to pitch. Baseball. Not at all what Ian had in mind. Finding they are up against the gay cops, Ian sees Fiona’s ex Tony and asks when he came out. Tony quickly proclaims that Fiona turned him gay! During the game, Ian makes a play at second and is accused of blocking the baseline. He swiftly by throwing his glove down and punching the guy, and a huge gay brawl ensues. Praising Ian for his blows over drinks, the guys ask him when he is going to take the test to become a firefighter. Caleb really tries to convince him that he should and Ian fesses up that he just wants to hook up with him. Mad that Ian is only looking to score, Caleb storms off, but Ian is able to smooth things over with him. Finding out that Caleb is more of the old-fashioned type and doesn’t want to just hook up with anyone, they agree to go out on a date.
Debs & Frank: Debs is serving as nanny to the Wexler household that Frank hooked her up with, but Tyler doesn’t seem to keen on her being there. Mom Erica, however, loves the help. Frank tells Debs she needs to step up her game to get the husband interested in her — and not in a capable-nanny way. He tells her he’ll keep Erica busy so she can seduce Tyler when he gets home later. Then he sexies her up a bit. Way to pimp out your daughter Frank — and take advantage of a sick lady on top of it. Popping by the hospital, all polished up, he asks what room Mrs. Wexler is in, then strolls in and acts as if he has the wrong room. Smooth, Frank. She, of course, recognizes him even though he is playing dumb at first as to who she is. Asking what he is doing there, he says he works there as a cancer concierge and he has to go. Begging him to stay, they chat and he completely bamboozles her that he is certified in end-of-life preparation and he does it for the love of people and not for the money. Oh and also, he went to Northwestern — go Wildcats! She buys it, hook, line and sinker!
Offering to help her out for the day for the price of a few smiles, Frank takes her casket shopping and convinces her to take one for a spin. As she’s laying in the casket, the salesmen walks in and asks how it’s going. Frank says they will take the elite model, as the guy is slipping him some cash. Apparently not enough, though, as Frank says maybe they should take another look at the basic model. He slips him some more. Poof! Elite, it is, and he tells Erica to hand over her credit card. Wow, Frank sure has sure found himself some racket! After coffin shopping, he takes her to The Alibi to discuss further discuss her options over coffee and a little state sanctioned weed and to get her to open up about her bucket list. Apparently she used to be a band groupie, did a ton of drugs and had her buck list complete before she was old enough to buy her first wine cooler. They battle it out to see who was wilder — and it sounds like she just might have Frank beat! Then she talks about how she did her most crazy thing yet by getting married and having kids, and that has been the best high yet. But was a lesbian before this and got dumped by Melissa Etheridge.
Back in the Wexler household, Debs tries to work her magic on Tyler and gets extremely blown off and shot down. He doesn’t even know her name — he calls her Donna and says he’ll see her tomorrow. So what does she do? She cracks the lock on the bathroom door to catch him getting out of the shower. Playing dumb that she didn’t know he was in there, he asks why she is even still there and she tries to get through to him that she is there for him, too, and that he needs to face the reality that his wife is dying and that he needs her help more than he is willing to admit. Now that she got Tyler to open up to her, he offers her up the guest room in lieu of more pay. Frank is beyond ecstatic and they devise a plan to sneak him in at night. Debs says, “You got it, dad.” Wow. I don’t think anyone has called Frank “Dad” in a long time. He kind of got choked up for a minute about this.
Debs, now in bed, hears her bedroom door open and someone walk in. She says, “I was hoping you would come!” — but it’s not Tyler. Erica climbs into bed with her and starts serenading her with some Melissa Etheridge. Whoops.
Carl: Carl is still trying to win over his lady, but she seems more interested in what Nick’s lock is for his bike. He gets a call from a real estate agent that he’s been using so he and Nick can get their own crib and tells Dom that when she gets sick of crashing with daddy, he’s got room for his No. 1 boo. Ugh. This acting-black think is getting old. And I guess I’m not the only one getting sick of this act, as V totally puts him in his place by saying she knows for a fact that his little pudding pop is not chocolate. Dang, she has some good lines! Carl and his crone Nick go to a fancy part of town to meet with his Realtor to check out some swanky cribs. Nick makes sure that before they head out, his bike is nice and locked up. The Realtor says Carl is not like the normal trust-fund kids she works with and asks if he’s a rapper. He goes along with it and says, yeah, they call me White Chocolate. She tells him he would need a parent’s signature for the place and she doesn’t think the board would approve it. He asks why black money isn’t any good to her and quotes V’s speech that you have to go through 400 years of oppression to understand where he is coming from. Then, Carl says forget it, they out!
Nick and Carl joke on the way out of the building about his new nickname, but all joking is over when they realize someone cut the lock to Nick’s bike and stole it. Carl says he will get Nick a new bike, but Nick just throws the broken lock down, tells Carl he wants a gun and storms off. The pair head to Kev and V’s to get one. The find a gun in a box of the Gallagher’s stuff being stored in their house, but it happens to be jammed. One of the little Asian kids staying with Kev and V quickly un-jams it and Carl and Nick are quite impressed. And even more impressed — or maybe shocked — when Carl asks one of them if they ever killed anybody. They use up both hands counting. Guess Carl isn’t so gangster after all now is he?
Kev & V: Holding V’s mama’s bible group in their house, Kev agrees to take a foster kid in for a couple days as to atone for his sin of letting Yanis perish. V’s not too happy about this. As she puts it, he needs to forget that barbecued Greek, because it wasn’t his fault. Kevin retorts that if it wasn’t for him, Yanis wouldn’t be dead. That seemed to convince her. Later on, her mama comes back with six boys — not the one they had thought they were getting. And they aren’t from Miami like he thought. Nope, some Asian country where they were young mercenaries living in the jungle. V is not happy with this at all, but Kevin is ecstatic since he can get back all his karma points right away. Meanwhile, the kids decide to light up some cigs in the house. V freaks out, while Kevin is all chill and asks to bum a smoke from them. Aw, so cute! Nothing like bumming a smoke from a 10-year-old!
Later, as V confiscates all their weapons, she notices how bad they stink and gives them all a bath. Then she learns they aren’t all boys — there is one girl in the mix. Since she’s got the Gallaghers’ stuff in the house, she raids Debs clothes and pretties the girl up, which makes her happy.
Oops. Everyone seems to have forgotten about poor, clueless Chuckie. He returns home from school to find the house locked up, and no clue as to where everyone is.
New episodes of Shameless Season 6 air Sunday nights at 9pm on Showtime.