Welcome To A Televised Trainwreck “Little Women: Atlanta” Recap, Episode 1

Get the latest from Little Women: Atlanta — Episode 2, “Juicy Gossip”

Tonight, Lifetime premiered a big night filled with little ladies. First, Little Women: LA started its fourth season with a bang, or rather a brawl, that ended with drinks being thrown. Then, The Little Women franchise spread to the Dirty South in Little Women: Atlanta. I thought I’d give the new series a gander and meet the new ladies. Since I’m watching this real-time, I have only the images from Lifetime’s press site, but will try to add more pictures as they become available.

This series is wasting no time and we meet the ladies.

Emily Fernandez & Bri Barlup
Emily calls herself “Right Cheek” and Bri is “Left Cheek” they’re BFFs and roomies.
The ladies met at an LPA (Little People of America) event when “Bri was talking to my baby daddy’s friend.”
They now host parties in the Atlanta area; but when they lived in Texas, Bri nannied for Emily’s adorable, and average-height daughter, Ava.
Emily’s birth parents were average height, but when she was born, they gave her up and two little people adopted her. Tragically, Emily’s adoptive mother died when she was a teen and her adoptive dad lives out-of state.
Emily gets annoyed when people point their cameras at her and thinks it’s funny that people think that she and Bri are twins.

Bri stresses that she an her BFF Emily aren’t strippers, but rather “entertainers.” M’kay.
Tragedy has touched Bri’s life too; he beloved father died tragically when she was only nine.
Bri has a cutie patootie son, Malik, who is 2. Bri lives with her baby-daddy even though they aren’t in a relationship.

The ladies glam plan for the night is to head to a club to meet with “The Queen of Atlanta.” Ooh, the queen!! Can I wear my tiara?

On the way to the club (they keep saying they’re “Turn’t up,” which is apparently a good thing?) Emily reveals that “The Tiny Twins” have followed them to Atlanta.

Well, we already know there are twins on the show, so let’s let Emily and Bri explain their beef with the twinsies. Once upon a time, they all lived in Texas, and Emily saw that the dynamic duo were hot, sexy and young and offered to pimp mentor the ladies and help them get work at nightclubs. The twinsies wanted to rep themselves and said “Nah” to Emily and now they’re trying to move in on Emily and Bri’s gigs in the ATL.

At the club, they meet Miss Juicy who is hosting a twerking contest. Miss Juicy is a red-headed lady, who is one of Tonya, from Little Women: LA’s oldest friends. And it could be literally her oldest friend, because Miss Juicy is no spring chicken, but she’s still pretty hilarious and I think that if you cross her, she’ll put a spell on you. Miss Juicy knows everybody, and is someone to be seen with. Soon drinks are flowing, and once again “Turned up, Turned up” is coming out of everyone’s mouth. I’m still confused.

Next we meet Ashley “Minnie” Ross. And if Minnie isn’t a good enough nickname, “everybody calls me Momma Bear.” You’ve gotta be pretty awesome to deserve TWO nicknames. Minnie is a hairdresser, and hairdressers know what’s what.

Minnie has brought her BFF and best client, Tiffany “Monie” Cashette to the club. She’s another of the show’s little hotties. I want to know more about Monie; but she only says five words this entire episode, so we’ll have to wait to learn her story.

Miss Juicy and Minnie used to be friends, but the relationship has soured because Minnie alleges that Juicy has spread lies. Lots of smack-talk with a heavy dose of drawl.

And then the twins show up. Cue the side-eye from Emily “Well, look who it is, Thing 1 and Thing 2,” she sneers.

We get our first look at Andrea & Amanda Salina, who have worn sexy leotards to the twerking contest. These ladies are in it to win it! While they’re walking, I’m reminded of an old Coors Light commercial.

Amanda introduces herself as the Angel and says Andrea is the devil. They’re both gorgeous with butt-length hair and soft-spoken demeanors make them a hit at the clubs. Speaking of butts —I mean — wow. How do such tiny girls have such big booties?

The twin are living on their own for the first time (Well not alone, because they’re living with their boyfriends Chris and Jordan, who are as opposite as two men can get.)

We learn that Andrea has an adorable 2-year-old named Andre who is also a little person and has a lung disease, so will be staying back in Texas with the twin’s parents. That must break Andrea’s heart to be so far from her sweet son.

And after getting to know these trainwrecks, lasies, it’s time for the twerking contest. And then there’s an obligatory twerking montage that may have burned my eyes. And then it’s time to judge.

“I think it’s anonymous!” announces LW:LA’s Tonya Banks, America’s greatest orator. Yes, anonymous. The Tiny Twins win, because their butts are big, their smiles are big, and their clothes are small.

And then the smack talk begins and it’s such a hodge-podge of accents that the show finally resorts to subtitling.

Some highlights:
Emily says one of the twins looks like a puppy, to which she responds,
I’m not a puppet, neither.”
Bri reminds us: “I’m a grown-ass woman.”
Amanda makes fun of Emily’s heading issues (People with Achondroplasia have ear problems, so this is a low blow in the LP community)
They start dogging on each other for getting disability checks.
Then they all start making fun of each other for having dead parents, and baby daddies and it just sinks to such a low level of class.
This group is making the Brown Family (from Discovery’s Alaskan Bush People) look as dignified as The Royal Family.

The next day, Amanda and Andrea Facetime their mother, who misses them. The girls feel bad about dogging Emily for not having a mother, when it turns out that her mom is deceased. After a lot hair tossing are those wigs, extensions, re are they gifted with that amazing hair by God?), the ladies decide that though it wasn’t right for Emily to bring Andrea’s son Andre into their argument, they feel bad.

Over at Bri’s house, Emily, Maliq, Bri and her baby daddy (I with they would spell it for us because it might be Uma, or Uda) need to chill out. Maliq entertains the grownups with the charm that only a diaper-wearing baby can. Success! The baby-daddy gets a chyron (TV term): it’s “Wooda.” That’s a name.

Then we head to Minnie’s house and meet her mom, who Minnie adores and lives with. Minnie confesses that she’s dating “A huge rapper in Atlanta, and he goes by the name ‘Pastor Troy.” I looked him up, and Pastor Troy has lots of Youtube videos that you can peruse at your leisure. His beats are both sick (the good kind) and expletive-filled (the bad kind). Minnie says they’ve been dating for 8 months, but her mom doesn’t know … until now. Here are the questions of Minnie’s mom, which all parents should immediately copy down for future use:
Besides rapping what else does he do?
Does he have any kids?
Does he go to church every Sunday?
Have you met his parents?
And my favorite,
How many times has he been to jail? (And her follow-up: “What if he killed somebody?”) My thoughts, exactly!

Can we get Minnie’s mom her own talk show? She is my new favorite TV personality! She doesn’t take b.s. and turns confident Minnie into an 8-year-old. The hilarity continues, because when Minnie tells her mom his much she means to her, momma coos, “You gonna make my cry my lashes off.”

At dinner, Emily and Bri spills the deets of their argument with the twins to Miss Juicy. Juicy tells the women that Minnie is lying about dating Pastor Troy. Juicy accuses Minnie of being a stalker and says she knows Troy and he is not dating Minnie. “I know a rat when I smell one,” says Juicy. I hope Juicy shows up on the regular, because I like her brand of crazy!

The next day, Minnie, A.K.A. Momma Bear takes her cubs to the spa to try to make everyone friends again. After putting on pink pajamas, Andrea pulls Emily aside to apologize for what she said days before. Emily eventually accepts the apology and they join the other women for massages. And if may have been one of those massage places *wink* because Minnie asks if she can moan during hers.

After the massages, Emily and Bri ruin the afterglow and ask Minnie about Pastor Troy. Minnie laments that she doesn’t’ see her man very often, and Emily and Bri reveal that Miss Juicy was throwing shade and said Minnie’s not dating a rapper, she’s stalking a rapper. Can I get an “Oh Snap!” from the gallery?!?

Emily tells her off-and-on again boyfriend Lontel that she’s pregnant. This is the first time we’ve met this outstanding human being. He’s less than thrilled. In fact, he says that he “doesn’t give a f@#$” about their baby. He tells Emily that they don’t make sense as a couple: they’ve been together for three years, but they cheat on each other. They’ve been trying to have a baby, but he doesn’t want the baby to be little. Congratulations to the parents to-be; I’m sure your child will have no emotional issues whatsoever. While Emily cries in the bathroom, Lontel looks like he’s checking Tinder, and when Emily tells him to leave, he asks her for a ride. Emily refuses, threatens to call the police and tells him that he needs to go back to jail. Our parting shot of the young lothario is of him sauntering away, trying to hold up his pants.

And scene.

What the heck did I just watch? It is like the biggest trainwreck in television history, but I can’t wait to see what happens next. It’s like Teen Mom meets Bad Girls Club. Is it possible for TV to be so terrible that it’s fantastic?

Like Little Women: Atlanta? Read More!
Interview with Minnie from Little Women: Atlanta
Recap: Little Women: Atlanta Episode 1, “TV Trainwreck”
Recap: Little Women: Atlanta Episode 2, “Juicy Gossip”

Little Women: Atlanta > Lifetime >Wednesdays at 10pm EP/PT