Why Discovery should cancel Alaskan Bush People, but won’t

Alaskan Bush People Billy Forest Ryan Berenz

Go Here For All Of Your AWESOME And EXXXTREME Alaskan Bush People Needs!

Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

 

I’ve been out of it for a little while. Did I miss anything?

On Monday, Juneau Superior Court Judge Philip “The Hammer” Pallenberg laid down a sentence of 30 days in jail to Billy Brown and son Joshua “Bam Bam,” plus 40 hours of community service each and fines and repayments totaling more than $21,000 combined. The taxpayers of Alaska will get their money back (sort of) and the Browns can never file for the Permanent Fund Dividend again. 

Billy’s lawyer, James “Smooth Jimmy” McGowan (I picture him as Saul Goodman in my imagination), changed his strategy from the “Browns’ Brand Has Suffered!” to “This Man Is Not Well!” McGowan also argued some stuff in court that contradicts stuff on ABP. From Tegan Hanlon of the Alaska Dispatch News:

McGowan argued against jail time in the case, highlighting Billy Brown’s complicated health problems with his heart and liver. He said Brown had a seizure three or four years ago that put him in a coma. Now he has about three seizures a week.

“They’ve actually changed what the show is all about because he can’t stay in the Bush anymore because he needs to be near medical attention,” McGowan said. “So the Brown adventure is moving to an urban setting because he needs to be around doctors. So it’s the real deal, judge.” 

That’s a lot of lawyerin’. Let’s sift through that:

  • We know about Billy’s Bush Central Nervous System and the seizures, but the ailments of his Bush Heart and Bush Liver are new ones.
  • Billy had a seizure three or four years ago that put him in a coma? Just how many comas has Billy had, exactly? Was this in addition to the Great Coma of 2005/2006, or is Smooth Jimmy trying to make the Great Coma sound more recent? I would like to see a detailed timeline and flowchart of these comas.
  • So their TV show is now going to be Alaskan Bush People? That’s some major retooling, indeed.
  • The Brown adventure is moving to an urban setting for the sake of Billy’s health. But what of that bulljive from Season 2 about the Browns having to leave the Craphole That Is Ketchikan immediately OR THEY WILL ALL DIE? THE CURE IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE!

Here’s Billy’s statement, as reported by the Juneau Empire:

“Your honor, I just want to say that … I do truly apologize for all of this, and not only for myself, but for, you know, the time and trouble I’ve taken from you and all the people involved in this,” Billy Brown said. “I truly learned a lot about this, and I think truly that you will never see me in any judicial system whatsoever as long as I live.”

And here’s Bam’s:

“I regret the circumstances … and I have learned a lot from the experience, and thank you for all the trouble, and that’s it.”

On the subject of Bam, a big social media firestorm erupted when it was reported that Bam filed PFD claims for his three minor children. Woah. Bam has three kids?  I read one person’s pitch that Rainy was actually Bam’s daughter. Fortunately, that toothpaste was put back into the tube, and the Juneau Empire regretted its Bush Fact Checking:

Correction: An earlier version of this article erroneously stated that Joshua Brown signed a written statement admitting that he applied for PFD checks for his three minor children during those years using false residency information. It was Billy Brown who did so. We regret the error.

We know that ABP won’t be canceled anytime soon, barring a Discovery Channel executive having an ethical epiphany, because the Browns have been spotted up and down the West Coast filming in places like Oregon, San Diego and San Juan Capistrano. (If Ketchikan was going to kill the Browns, then I can’t wait to see what San Diego does to them. Bear overheats at 60 degrees, so he’ll probably spontaneously combust.)

Stoopid Housewives has the lowdown on the Browns’ Lower 48 follies, including tips from a Hoonah resident:

However, our insider says that ScammerBilly does not want to return to Hoonah because the majority of locals are “mean” to the Browns! … Another reason ScammerBilly does not want to return is that the ABP story line has him and the rest of the Browns actually LIVING in the BrownTown cabin!

With all of this evidence stacked up, a reasonable person would think that Alaskan Bush People should be canceled immediately and Bear should kindle a fire with every shred of its existence. But Discovery Channel is a business, and no one accused businesses of being reasonable. And Discovery Channel is in the entertainment business, so it gives less of a crap about being reasonable than other businesses. As long as idiots like us keep loving/hating and watching this thing, Discovery’s going to keep airing it.

And thank the Good Lord, because my reason for living, breathing and working would be gone without Alaskan Bush People. I hope it goes on forever and becomes even more of an AWESOME and EXXXTREME Epic Shitshow every year. Just imagine the possibilities:

  • ABP  should give up any pretense of reality and just go totally balls-to-the-wall crazy. They could have Bear encounter Sasquatch. They could have Noah attempt surgery on Billy. They could have Birdy enroll in dental school. Gabe could enter Alaska Toughman competitions. The Brown boys could take on the Harlem Globetrotters. I HAVE 20 SEASONS’ WORTH OF IDEAS, PEOPLE!!!
  • ABP could just reair all three seasons with a new audio track featuring the Browns revealing everything that was B.S. in every scene.
  • The court supposedly said that Billy and Bam’s community service cannot be a part of the TV show. The court has done the public a great disservice here. The court SHOULD have decreed that all of their community service be televised live in a 40-hour, commercial-free marathon on Discovery Channel. I would watch every freakin’ glorious moment of that.

And finally, I love these people:

 

Barty

Oh. 😢

58 Comments

  1. I enjoy watching The Alaskan Bush People and hope that they will be able to continue their show. It is nice to see a family that has stayed together and have been there for their mother and father. We need these kind of show on TV. Children today to not have any respect for their parent until they loss their jobs and then all the sudden that they are force to move back in with the parent(s).
    We all have done something in our lives that we are not proud of what we did but, when times get tuff sometimes you do things for your family that you may have never planned on. They payed for their mistakes and maybe the courts felt because of Billy’s health problems he was not made to serve any jail time. I would like the government explain why would they burn down their home without allowing them to have time to retrieve items that will never be able to be replaced. I wish the best to their family and admire how they continue to be able to remain in good spirits no matter what they have been though. I am looking forward to watching the next show.

    • That is a very broad statement about today’s children, Barbi. My child respects me and her father, and I see such respect and love in almost every family I know. The Browns do not have a corner on caring for each other.

    • Oh Barbi, nobody burned the Browns cabin down. That was from the early lies of this show back when they were telling you that “The Browns were recently discovered after living 30 years in the bush with little contact with the outside world”. They used the whole cabin burned down to build up their backstory of why they were looking for a home. Then it was later revised to “well we don’t know who burned our cabin down”. Then when pressed further on the issue they couldn’t ever show any evidence of any cabin they owned getting burned down. Later revised to “We are sorry for stealing $21,000 from Alaskans and we don’t even live in Alaska”. I know sometimes it is hard to keep up with the ABP lies Barbi. It is hard for even them to keep up. Billy loves to say he has a “bush heart”, but when asked about it in an interview he doesn’t even know what that means.
      It is nice when families love each other and stick together. It is another thing when none of the adult children ever leave home and some are in their 30’s. Having an adult son myself I encouraged him to go out and get an education and create a life for himself. In fact, at a certain point he needed a little nudge to move in that direction. I am happy to report the young man is doing great and has done really well for himself. Not only do you not want your adult children to do nothing and grow dependent on their parents, at a certain point you are doing them a disservice. You create people that will never be able to go out on their own and you can’t take care of them forever. Why people seem to admire the Brown children staying at for their entire lives and doing nothing is quite puzzling for me.

    • I simply LOVE the ALASKAN BUSH PEOPLE. When the show goes off I feel SO lost and empty. Why is the system messing with them. There are so many terrible things happening in the world now so why ARE they so concerned with the Bush Clan. I feel they are good family people and the Judge is being too hard on them. WHY doesn’t he go after the “Big” Fish and allow us to enjoy this wonder ful family. I don’t care what you thk they’ve done, go after the serial kill ers etc; AND GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY AND LEAVE THESE PEOPLE ALONE. SURELY YOU HAVE MORE IMPT THING S TO!

      • Lois, Judges do not “go after people.” It is the job of law enforcement and/or prosecutors to first bring people into the system. The Judge is there to ensure that people are treated fairly (both sides) and to impose sentences (in criminal cases) when guilt is determined. In this case Billy and Bam pled guilty to falsely taking PFD money. This was a plea bargain to which they agreed. Further, taking $21,000 from the State of Alaska under false pretenses is not something to be swept under the rug. The Rule of Law is something we all live under in the United States and covers crimes, big and small. If someone stole $21,000 from you would you want the legal system to ignore that? I sincerely doubt it.

      • Good gosh I can’t even take Lois’s comments seriously. Pretty obvious attempt to troll and illicit some kind of a long response. When the show goes off you feel so lost and empty? Lol. Even I couldn’t come up with crud that bad. Which means you would be an excellent writer for ABP.
        They have broken numerous laws. When you break laws then law enforcement and the courts system come into play. If this is some crazy new concept for you, I hear Afghanistan is beautiful this time of year.

  2. BIlly only had `seizures’ after they got caught by the State of Alaska. Even the judge did not believe them/DC. The Browns have a checkered past to say the least…not only check out Alaska’s State public records on Matt’s DUI and hit and run..but Texas records. Ami convicted of welfare fraud, Billy for horse stealing. Billy at 26 leaving/divorcing wife and 2 kids to marry 15 year old Ami…yeah..REAL family values! According to Billy they don’t drink or smoke..but LOTS of pics from locals showing them doing BOTH! Also..he always says Dag gum on TV but the day on the dock in Huna, locals filmed him cursing and using the F word like a trucker! Pretend to be poor and so their fans send them money and gifts..which, according to locals, just pile up at the Post Office, and then lugged to their storage in town, as they don’t want/need them! TOTALLY FAKE SHOW…should definately be canceled!

  3. I have no idea how much revenue ABP generates for Discovery and the Browns, but they WOULD be idiots to cancel the show now. Bad press is better than no press! Everyone (well, the haters, not so much the Brown Believers) will be watching the next season to see what level of insanity the Brown Family can achieve, and that’s on us.

    • Very agreed. I can’t say that when I do watch an episode it isn’t without pangs of guilt for supporting this in any way. I have predicted the show being cancelled a few times in the past and have been completely wrong every time. I wonder what the future does hold for this show though being filmed down south. Seems as if much of the draw for the fans was the Alaskan background and wildlife. Take away the 30 years in the bush and Alaska, and I am really scratching my head as to what the draw for ABP will be. If the ABP would have started out as a show filmed in Texas and not Alaska seems like this would have lasted about 4-5 episodes, if that, before cancellation. Guess we will see what happens next. Now that they are filming in California can we start calling this… ABP: Beverly Hillbillies Edition (it just feel so right).

  4. My apologies in advance for posting a long article in here and clogging things up, but I thought this was a well written piece from our local newspaper a couple of days ago about the abundance on reality shows in Alaska…

    Disrespecting the Last Frontier: Alaska-based reality shows becoming known for bad behavior

    News-Miner opinion: Reality TV shows set in Alaska have had a checkered history. Legislative tax credits for filmmakers doing business in the state were successful at bringing the industry to Alaska. But the results were considerably more mixed than supporters had hoped. Few feature films were moved by the credit, but reality TV shows found Alaska to be a gold mine, with more than 20 scrambling to bring the Last Frontier to viewers in the Lower 48. But not only have the reality-show portraits of Alaska largely not jibed with residents’ experiences here, the stars have had more than their fair share of trouble with the law. Though the state is still looking for revenue streams and job sources not burdened by the oil downturn, reality TV is starting to look like it brings Alaska more headaches than benefits.
    For reality TV, there was a perfect storm of sorts that led to the groundswell in Alaska-based shows. In 2005, the Legislature passed a substantial film tax credit aimed at wooing Hollywood studios to actually shoot their movies set in Alaska within the state rather than in stand-in locations in Washington, Canada and Europe. At the same time, one of the first reality shows in the 49th state, “Deadliest Catch,” attained strong popularity and turned viewers’ eyes northward. With a few exceptions, feature films proved relatively unmotivated to relocate their massive productions even with the tax credits in place. But reality shows had smaller, more nimble production crews that traveled more easily — the equivalent of wildcat oil explorers, if Hollywood’s studios were likened to the Big Three oil producers. They could afford to take a gamble on Alaska, especially when they saw it paying off so handsomely for “Deadliest Catch.”
    But subsequent waves of Alaska reality shows proved more inclined to generate their own drama than to rely on what the country could provide naturally. Some of it was outlandish fare, such as “Alaskan Women Looking for Love,” which exploited a host of negative stereotypes about the state to hype the culture shock of six Kodiak women taken to Miami to experience the big-city dating scene. Other shows featured reality stars who didn’t show much respect for the country, as in MTV’s “Slednecks,” or cast its Native people in a negative light, as in “Escaping Alaska.”
    The oversimplifications and distortions of reality shows have rubbed many residents the wrong way. But more seriously, stars of the shows have displayed a disturbing tendency to play fast and loose with Alaska’s laws. Several members of the cast of the Sportsman Channel’s “Syndicate Hunting” were sentenced late last year after being charged with multiple federal hunting violations for failing to obtain licenses or permits to take any of the animals killed on the show. Late last week, Theresa Vail, star of the Outdoor Channel’s “Limitless with Theresa Vail,” pleaded guilty to killing two bears in May 2015 with only one tag, a crime that was compounded when her guide flew in a second tag and backdated it in an attempt to disguise the violation.
    And in the case likely most offensive to Alaska residents, two members of the family that stars in “Alaskan Bush People” pleaded guilty this week to fraudulently applying for and receiving more than $20,000 in Alaska Permanent Fund dividend checks for the years 2009 to 2012. Billy and Joshua Brown, who attended the hearing telephonically from California, signed statements confirming they left the state in 2009 and did not return until 2012.
    It’s one thing for TV shows to ratchet up drama for ratings and distort the realities of life in Alaska to snare viewers. That’s been part of Hollywood depictions of the state since the silent era. But it shouldn’t be too much to ask for those attached to Alaska-based reality shows to abide by state and federal laws. If they can’t meet that bar, Alaskans will be right to ask whether any benefit derived from the shows’ presence is worth the disrespect for the Last Frontier that appears to come with it.

      • I should have saved some space and just posted the link instead of the article. Not a shocker why Alaska cancelled that generous state film credit.

        • Well that sort of makes some of my comments below mute if the tax benefit is gone. Still, I’d like to see more accountability from the production companies.

          While I’m on the subject of the production companies accountability. As far as I know, the whole island is part of the Tongass National Forest. I assume Browntown is privately held land within the NF, but I wonder what regulations apply. Do they need a permit for commercial filming on private land within the NF? Could the Forest Service make them clean up the mess they left behind?

          • Governor Walker led the charge to cancel the tax credit. 80% of our state income comes from oil revenue, so as you can imagine that isn’t going too well at the moment. The tax credit for filming was supposed to bring in lots of dollars in revenue by bringing business to Alaska. It was well meaning at the time. But it didn’t seem to add much economic development and had turned into a cash outflow. That and we didn’t seem to be helping ourselves with the shows that did come up with by the way they portrayed us. When you are laying off school teachers it doesn’t make much sense to pay people to come up here and make horrible shows while some of them break the law.

    • I’m still learning coming here to read comments. I read something here than spend time googling stuff. I didn’t know there was a tax incentive – that explains the number of shows. I can think of several other shows, as well as alledged crimes, not listed.

      I wonder if it would help to fine production companies, or take away their tax benefits. My understanding of the way things are now, nothing happens to the production companies when their employees/cast members are caught breaking the law while filming. Some of the headline making violations occured during show production – like Syndicate hunting, and the Teresa Vail hunt. (Don’t really know yet about Last Frontier’s Atz Lee, since it hasn’t come to trial) As far as I know there were no penalties against production companies. Well no penalties from the state of Alaska – the Sportsman channel cancelled Syndicate Hunting and supposedly severed ties from the production companies, but nothing from the State.

      However some of crimes either had nothing to do with the production, or occurred before production began. Jim West, the star of Wild West Alaska, was convicted, as far as I know, for an incident was prior to production. The Brown family’s crimes, Fish and Game violations and PFD fraud case, are all before filming started.

      I don’t dislike all the Alaska shows. I enjoy Life Below Zero, Alaska the Last Frontier, and Building Alaska. (The Last Frontier is on the list despite my belief that there is a lot of overdramatic scripting.) The best of the Alaska shows was Flying Wild Alaska – which only lasted a couple years (3 seasons).

  5. You all need your brains and mouths washed out with soap! You don’t know the browns! Your only assuming. We all know what happens when we assume? We make a—‘s out of ourselves!!!

    • Assuming? Why are they going to prison in Alaska? Their criminal record isn’t assuming… it is a FACT.

  6. A truly wonderfully scripted program that the whole family can enjoy about the great outdoors,! Nothing like a loving family caring for each other personnel life! Discovery you need to continue producing such quality presentations for the general public.

  7. ABP is a joke. These “bush” sons look like complete clowns as far as the basic requirements of survival. Seamanship? I don’t think so. I know more common sense seamanship when I was 12 than these versions of the Three Stooges. I just watch them swing an axe or hammer a nail and I know these guys are rookies. I heard them claim they didn’t know current movies or music yet I hear them say ” you need ritalin.” So you’re up on chemistry and current trends but ignorant of the modern world? Finally who the hell lives with Mom and Dad in their 30s?

    • Many family members live together! Either out of necessity or genuine love which you seem to be greatly lacking in!

      • Many families have one, maybe two adults, return home. However none of the Brown offspring have ever left home. Sorry, that is just plain dysfunctional.

  8. Wow! Such harsh judgement for people no one knows personally. I wonder how any of our lives would look on camera 24/7. I’m thinking we’d all be judged pretty hard as well. Since no one is perfect who has the right to say such cruel things about this family. Some of us like this family no matter their faults. If you’re not a fan, turn the channel. There are way more shows I’d love to see cancelled that are complete trash. So I never watch them. Go pick on the Kardashians if you want to talk about scripted and phony.

    • Yes, wow indeed. These people were just convicted of stealing $21,000 from the state and the good citizens of Alaska. There were VERY lucky not to be spending years in prison while getting off with a slap on the wrist. They have further fishing violations and a DUI in Juneau. Not to mention their previous rap sheet going all the way back to their youth in Texas and stealing horses. Have you ever been hit by a drunk driver? Well my wife and I were broadsided by a drunk driver. Sorry I am not so pro drunk driving as you are. Maybe you can have the unfortunate situation we had to deal with and see how incredibly dangerous it is. They have been basically an abomination on the state of Alaska. Maybe you will get really lucky and they will move to your state and steal from you, kill wildlife illegally and endanger you and your citizens with their drunk driving and then I will happily listen to you lecture me how these are such great people. My life would look fine with a camera on me 24/7. Feel free to go grab your camera and follow me around. You will get bored really quickly, but you won’t see illegal activity. So no, I wouldn’t have anything to worried about getting judged hard on.
      If we have the option to change the channel, don’t you also have the option to not read what is said here and go about your way? Why are you so worried about what random people on the internet say when they aren’t harming or bother you in any way? I think as grown adults we can handle what we do with our lives. Nor do I really care what a person who supports theft, fraud and drunk driving thinks.
      You are calling the Kardashians scripted and phony? I have never watched an episode of the Kardashians but they don’t seem to be stealing, illegally taking wildlife, driving while under the influence, pretending to live someplace they don’t, lying about their whole backstory and making up everything you see on screen. From the clips of the show I have seen from The Soup, they just sit around and talk. Not sure what is so made up about that. Compared to the ABP any of the Kardashians seem like they could win Time’s person of the year.
      It was up to the Browns to go on TV to try to make their fortune with their checkered past, and if they do get judged for their actions then they should have seen that coming a mile away. You can’t lie your way out of everything you have done in your past just because you have a crappy TV show.

      • #Free Billy! You should start selling hats and t-shirts…..both “camps” would probably want one. I can only imagine the sweet graphics (my personal reoccurring favorite….the sinking boat article posted after any mention of Billy and any boat!), and you could horn in on some of that sweet Discovery profit.

    • I agree with you Tammy. We do need more families like the Browns. Imagine all of the new prisons we would need to open up to house all of the new criminals. Jails popping up all over the country and the jobs in construction and prison industry would be a boon for the economy. This country would turn into a boomtown.

  9. I love this show and will proudly say so. Cannot wait for any future episodes to come. The Bush family in all their glory are smart, stupid, interesting, dull, real and phony at times just like our OWN families. What is more real than that. C’mon Haters there are many more shows on TV that you can pick apart.

    • There may be more shows to pick apart, but none that even comes close to the train wreck that is the ABP. Besides, you should be thanking all haters for watching and paying attention to the show or else at least half the viewers would be gone and Discovery would cancel the show. Trust me, you need the haters.

      • I have never understood why people who disagree with other people who love a particular show/ family / subject —be it APB, the Kardashians, the Duggars, whatever—are automatically labeled “haters” just because they view things differently. Perhaps, Kate, there is something/someone out there in the world that I think is wonderful that you would find ridiculous or fake, etc., but that does not give me a reason to call you a “hater.” To me, you would just be a person with a differing opinion. “Hate” is a very strong word. I do not “hate” the ABP family nor have I seen any such “hate” from others who come to this blog. Most of the those who comment on this site like to poke holes in ABP’s inconsistencies or bring up facts that counter what is being presented as “real,” and we have a First Amendment right to enjoy ourselves in this way…and you have the same right to support APB as much as you want. However, labeling everyone who disagrees with your take on APB as “haters” is neither accurate nor fair. Similarly, I see no need to apply a “label” to you other than you are a fellow blogger on the subject of ABP.

  10. Who owns the boat? They are absolutely weird. My husband loves the Bush Brown famly. Who is going to clean-up after the Browns now that they are no longer in Brown town. It is going to cost the state of Alaska a great deal of money to clean up their mess.

    • One aspect of their failure to protect Browntown from bears, is that bears have very good memories about where they find food. In essence, since the Browns did not properly bearproof , they’ve taught the local bears people mean food. Not only will the bears that broke into Browntown be problem bears, but since mama bears teach their cubs where to look for food, they may have created future problem bears.

      Of course that will only cause a problem if all those bear break-ins actually happened – which I kind of doubt.

  11. I never really doubted that there would be a next season. I doubt anyone believes ‘reality’ TV actually has much to do with reality. The fact that the Brown family has admitted they were not living in the Alaska bush, or even in Alaska, will not, in my opinion, cause people to stop watching ABP. In fact the publicity may temporarily increase the number watching. As long as enough people watch, Discovery will make money from the show – and as long as there’s money being made, it will stay on the air.

    What it would take to kill the show is for people to stop watching. That’s what is going to happen if they don’t start showing new storylines. This past season every couple weeks Ami or Billy was sick, a bear was tearing up Browntown, or a boat was broken down. As I see things, the show can continue as it is and viewership will decline and it will die a slow death over a couple seasons.

    For the show to succeed, I think they need to shake things up and go in another direction. I can think of a couple directions they could take the show. First they could forget “Reality TV” and just go for laughs. They’ve already used the bit where they’re fish out of water when faced with modern life. My suggestion is that they forget trying to fake it and just go for it – think modern day Beverly Hillbillies. Or, since they’ve already built the set at Browntown, they could go for laughs by bringing back Green Acres.

    My personal favorite new direction would be to actually show a working homestead in the bush. I fear that would never be a commercial success – to succeed it would have to find a spot on PBS between This Old House and Victory Garden.

    • As a former carpenter I loved This Old House when Bob Villa was on, because Bob does not know what the hell he is doing half the time.

      “Home Improvement” was a satire on TOH with Tim not really knowing what he was doing and his sidekick really doing most of the work.

      • I used to record TOH, New Yankee Workshop, and Hometime every Saturday. I still have a couple pieces of furniture from Norm Abrams inspired wood working projects.

  12. Ryan, I was shocked—yea, shocked—to see another article from you on the APB as your disdain for this show is legendary—and there has been no new episode. Nevertheless, keep them coming as they always make me laugh out loud. Re-naming the show to “People” —Ha! Ha! A gem!

    As to Attorney McGowan, well, attorneys are obligated by the Rules of Professional Conduct to “zealously” represent their clients. While at times this means grasping at straws or trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, we still need to do it with aplomb and confidence, and pray something sticks. In the present case, however, Judge Pallenberg had no trouble brushing aside the rhetoric and ordering Billy off to the hoosegow.

    Billy and Bam claim they have “learned” from their experience with the justice system, but have not revealed what they did “learn” — That 1) “Gee, you mean it is illegal to claim PFD funds without living in Alaska—who knew!?” or, 2) to be more careful in the future and not get caught, or, 3) to let Noah fall on his sword for the family next time as he could probably devise a way to escape from jail by using his plastic food tray and the cellophane from the two-cracker saltine packet that he will get with his soup?

    Billy’s heart and liver: Perhaps this is a newly-discovered issue of internal organ foliage as Billy has recently revealed his “bush” heart and that he is a forest. Treatment with Round-Up could be the answer.

    And what about The Integrity, The Skiff and the Brown hauling “business” ? Guess that isn’t what they needed to keep the family financially afloat after all! Wow, didn’t see that coming! *wink* I imagine the people of the Chichagof area are “suffering” with that “business” folding like a pile of burnt clothes from Noah’s bush dryer. I have a feeling The Integrity and The Skiff joined forces, sailed to Hoonah, and have been taken into protective custody by those good people.

    • Hahahaha
      Noah’s bush dryer !!
      It’s that derranged Bear that cracks me up!! He runs everywhere & jumps all over …..he is just “Bush Bonkers”

    • Such a big week in ABP news. I couldn’t go without commenting on it. Sorry it’s such a random mix of disjointed stuff.

      Oh, yeah, Smooth Jimmy McGowan totally did his job right. You do whatever you have to for your client, even if it sounds dumb.

  13. This is what I would expect from Discovery fraud. If they believe what comes out of the browns mouth, there just as stupid. This isn’t a realty show, it a comedy.

  14. My husband watches this rubbish. They all seem to be suffering from some mental problems. Absolutely bonkers.

    • Hahahaha
      That’s exactly the word that I used to describe them “Bonkers”

      I can’t stop watching it because it’s just so stupid and the way they talk?? They seem to have had speech lessons or whatever?? They emphasize their words in a way I have never heard before…it’s mesmerizing ((((:

  15. Great item, Ryan! Thanks for the shout out! Discovery will use the jail time/community service as a story line to elicit even more sympathy for these phony bush people, garnering even MORE low IQ viewers who believe that this show is really real! The scripts are endless!! But, for sure we’ll be seeing more of ScammerBilly in a horizontal position!

    • Geeez “more low IQ viewers” ?? WTH !!
      I hardly think that PEOPLE believe that these ABP ANTICS are honestly truthful or even possible!!

      • Sandy, you’d be surprised at the number of people that profess ABP as gospel truth.

        SH, as fun as we think it might be, “ABP” will never acknowledge the shenanigans onscreen.

  16. Oh my gosh, your ideas were too great!! Discovery needs to see them 🙂 I would watch the community service part too lol… There sure was quite a bit of new about the Browns this week! We haven’t seen the last of this show, what ever it may be called now.

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About Ryan Berenz 2012 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.