Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People recap: Dead in the Water

Alaskan Bush People Discovery Channel

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Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

Alaskan Bush People

Alaskan Bush People? I’m tired of Alaskan Bush People!”

Those were the words of my 5-year-old son when I started up this week’s ABP on the DVR. You know you’ve got problems when kindergarteners are bored with you.

Bam, Bear, Gabe and Matt are in Gustavus waiting on Stevie Wonder to get his bear wood-carving done so they can haul it back to Hoonah. Somehow they end up at some guy’s place. He has a trebuchet — a catapult for those who don’t parlez ze French — and some of the boys are immediately enraptured with it and want to take it home with them. “This trebuchet is a really terrible idea,” Bam says, still being the only one with any dadgum sense. “This thing is dangerous. It’s going to be hard to move. And it’s a useless toy.” Of course, Bam gets outvoted. The guy, who hasn’t used it for a few Independence Days (the holiday when drunk Americans launch stuff with catapults) is willing to give it to them for free. And so dawns the era of the Bush Roloffs.

Back at Brownton Abbey, Birdy’s in charge of building a heavily fortified coop to protect the chickens from being breaded, fried and slathered in buffalo sauce by hungry bears.

[DIGRESSION! Our neighbors raise chickens. Last year they had about 75 little chicks living in a plastic kiddie pool under a heat lamp in their garage. They invited me and my sons to come over and check them out. They were very cute and my boys loved them. A few days later, my neighbor informed me that while their garage was left open and unattended for a short time one night, some predator had come in and killed every one of the chicks. It didn’t eat the chickens, mind you, it just killed them and left them. Was it a coyote? The Hodag? A lion? They never found out. Cleaning up that mess must’ve suuuuucked.]

Meanwhile, Billy and Ami have been hand-wringing and fretting for two straight days over letting their grown-ass sons take the Integrity out on their own. “I don’t like splitting up like this. We’ll never do it again.” Billy says. Well, there goes half of the show’s story ideas. “They’ve never had to wear all those different masks that people in society have to wear to protect themselves,” Ami says. I assume she’s talking about the bad-ass facemask that Darnell Dockett wore:

DarnellDockettBilly starts talking about how he and Ami didn’t really raise the boys. “It was the Good Lord. It was the bush,” he says.

MontyPythonGodBlame

After loading the wooden bear carving and the trebuchet on the Integrity, the boys are ready to push off the dock. The dock kicks the boat in the ass on its way out as if to say, “NOW STAY OUT OF GUSTAVUS!” Bam’s brothers are busting balls about his dock-ramming skills, and I fully expect him to go Dead Calm on them all.

But maybe the rough seas and a lousy boat will do them all in. The motor is making noise and running at half power. And then it doesn’t run at all. (DRINK for Boat Malfunction!) “They may have just run the Integrity into the grave,” says our dear narrator, who is never one to speculate or use hyperbole. The Integrity, like this TV series, is now dead in the water.

Back at Brownton Abbey, Billy is just tickled to dadgum death with the chicken coop. Noah declares it to be “The Chicken Mahal,” and that’s about enough we need to hear from you today, Noah.

Bam radios a call for help, and he gets a response from the Donna Ann. While they wait, they get to enjoy the back and forth and up and down and back and forth and up and down and so on from the rough water. Matt throws up over the side of the boat, not because of seasickness, but because he spent another hot night out on the town. Eventually the Donna Ann shows up and tows the Integrity to the dock in Hoonah. Assessing the engine trouble, it’s determined that “the line that connects the throttle to the engine is missing.” Missing? It’s not like stuff like that just goes missing. Could it be … SABOTAGE? Gabe fixes it with a shoelace. Then there’s a lot of playing with hoses and tanks, and Matt identifying various fluids by tasting them. There’s concern that there’s water in the engine, in which case they should just scuttle the boat. It’s the Hoonah harbormaster’s problem now. But, surprise surprise, the engine starts up again and the Integrity is homeward bound.

There’s much rejoicing when the stout crew of the Integrity returns, and there’s hugging and yada yada yada until Billy asks,”So, how’d it go?” He gets silence and blank stares for an answer. Bear then totally throws Bam under the bus, saying that Bam almost wrecked the boat about seven times. Jerk. I bet Bear stole the throttle thingamabob. We expect Billy to give the boys the Mother of All Tongue-Lashings, but this is the new Post-Seizure Billy, and he’s much more chill these days. “Normal trip in the bush,” he says.

Quick! Someone tell Billy about the trebuchet while he’s still in a good mood! “Dad needs to behold the AWESOMENESS of the trebuchet!” Bear says. And, yeah, Billy is actually quite dadgum tickled with this awful thing the boys brought home with them. It will be ever so fun on the Fourth of July when Matt gets accidentally snagged in it and hurled hundreds of feet into Port Frederick. They try to load the trebuchet onto The Skiff, and Matt and Bam have a spat (DRINK!) about how not to capsize it.

Actually, the trebuchet looks really cool on The Skiff. I like the idea of a weaponized Skiff. I like to imagine The Skiff leading a flotilla of ancient Roman galleys, or lobbing cannonballs at the Spanish Armada.

Back at The Chicken Mahal, Noah waxes philosophical about Chicken Existentialism. All this expense of effort and lumber to protect the chickens, and for what? Either the chickens will be bred to produce eggs or be an ingredient in a casserole.

But there’s a bigger issue facing Brownton Abbey than the futility of the Chicken Condition. Bears have breached the outer defenses, penetrated deep into Brown territory and scattered a bunch of the family’s junk around. With the bears advancing and the Integrity on the fritz, now seems like the perfect time for taking the whole family out on an “extended fishing trip.” The Browns fortify their defenses against the bears and head out on a boat held together by Gabe’s shoelace.

In the interstitial segment, we find Ami returning from a “life-changing” doctors appointment. “How about it, Mom? Let’s see it,” one of the boys says. Huh? See what? What is it? Boob job? No, it’s … new teeth! Ami’s got herself a nice set of dentures, and they really do look nice. Getting rid of Ami’s old teeth eliminates the other half of ABP story lines.

The Browns are doing some undoubtedly legal and licensed fishing for halibut. They’re baiting hooks and dropping lines deep in the water, letting the bait soak so it can attract the halibut. When it’s time to bring in the lines, there’s a lot of unnecessarily complicated and seemingly dangerous stuff happening. Gabe is standing over the side of the boat. He and Bam are arguing. Mellow Post-Seizure Billy tells Bam to chill. Gabe says he gets a little overzealous and hotheaded sometimes. “I guess just the pressure’s on. The heat of the moment,” he says.

Several fish are caught and punched. (These halibut aren’t really putting up much fight, and there’s talk on Twitter that the Browns’ fish, like their deer, are all pre-killed.) Everyone is happy. Bam and Gabe make nice with a fishy high five. “That is the slimiest five I’ve ever given,” Gabe tells Bam.

Billy is pleased with the catch and with all that has transpired. “The Browns as a family cannot be stopped. And we’ve proven it time and time again,” he boasts. Maybe a judge in an Alaskan courtroom or a Discovery Channel executive with a conscience might soon put a swift end to Billy’s hubris.

While the Browns are busy not getting stopped on their extended fishing trip, back at Brownton Abbey, a bear busts his way through poorly boarded-up windows directly in front of conveniently placed field cameras.

The last time I was this excited to watch bears destroy stuff was Super Bowl XX.

 

 

67 Comments

  1. Does anyone know the name of the shipping company that the Browns are working for, the captains name is Paul?

  2. The Browns court hearing has now been pushed back till January 11th for a change of plea hearing that was supposed to take place today. This has gone on for well over a year now so no surprise there.

  3. I wonder why no one ever is seen wearing work gloves? Pulling ropes, handling anything at the dump, the tin roof, etc. Also, why doesn’t Matt have the same cross tatoo that the other boys do?

  4. I couldn’t help feeling kinda bad for Bam. They don’t listen to him about the trebuchet, Bear sells him out to Billy before giving him a chance to explain it himself. Overall, it was the same-old dramatics and plots (Integrity breaks, literal bears ravage stuff). Too funny your comment about liking The Skiff armed! Cracked me up, I didn’t even think of it that way 🙂

  5. When Billy was getting the countertops ready in the kitchen, I noticed electrical outlets and wall switches? When did they get electricity??

  6. Some of you very observant guys are so good at noticing the little things that I and probably most others dont…..like cats appearing out of nowhere. I didnt notice that and some other details you guys mentioned, so now I need to DVR it and watch it all over again….closely! The only thing worse than watching it once is watching it twice, lol, but now I just have to see all this that got by me! Am going to pay much closer attention from now on! Ok, I’m done for tonight, or this morning rather. Gotta catch a short nap. Goodnight all. Or good morning. Whatever. 😉

  7. I used to respect Discovery Channel, who in its early days used to actually have shows on that were educational and real, like TLC used to be the Learning Channel but now it is all dwarves, people with litters of children, the morbidly obese, polygamists, and specials on people with every kind of freaky physical condition you could think of that Discovery could exploit. I think Discovery needed to compete with all the other crap on TV that people seem to enjoy watching, so here came the Alaskan Bush People! Alaskan shows were extremely (hell, I cant even write that word anymore without hearing Bear say it!) popular, so I guess this was their try for more viewers. I am glad they at least have Deadliest Catch, one of my favorite shows.

    BTW, Ryan and David, I am curious to know what you two think of the other Alaskan shows that are on. Do they accurately portray Alaskan life? I started watching them but had to stop because of all the hunting and killing. I love animals. (I know Alaskans have to eat, tho.) areany of the others fake?

    • Sorry, I meant “that TLC could exploit”. Half asleep here. 5:18 in the morning and I have been reading tons of posts all over the recap sites. Classes will not be fun today. Lol. Oh well.

    • There are so many shows about Alaska now that I couldn’t even hope to remember them all. Here are a few that are ones I either have or do watch, or I find notable. Disclaimer: These are just my opinions of the shows…

      Deadliest Catch – My personal favorite. Pretty darn true to real life of what happens and the dangers of the job. Great character development over the years with truly sad moments like the passing of captain Phil Harris. Crab fishing regulations have changed a lot over the years. If you watch the first season it was during a period of open fishing where all the boats raced as fast as they can to catch crab until the quota of the whole fleet was caught. So basically they had an open widow of so many days to catch as much as they could. It led to a lot overly tired crews and captains going out in any weather to get their piece of the pie. Lot of injuries and a number of deaths occurred during this time. Now the whole fleet works on a quota system per boat so speed in no where the issue it used to be. Plus there is a lot of smaller boats that don’t even fish anymore as they sell their quotas to the other big boats. This show would have been quite the ride if it was all filmed during the open era. I have watched every season since day one.

      Life Below Zero – I think hands down the most realistic show if you want to learn about what life is really like in remote areas all over Alaska. Kudos in that they have a number of different people and areas of Alaska they cover so you get to see a lot of different areas. My mom knows one of the cast members and it seems to portray his real life. I have probably watched 5-10 episodes here and there since it started. One of Dad’s favorites.

      Bering Sea Gold/Under the Ice – I have watched the show since the beginning and have found it ok overall. I didn’t know much about Nome and ocean mining so it was kind of learning for me. Occasionally suffers from a common reality issue of a bit too much infighting. I still watch but there is better choices out there.

      Alaska State Troopers – This is the last season and overall I have watched most episodes. How can you go wrong seeing your neighbors get arrested? Good times

      Alaska: The Last Frontier – Only ever seen a handful of episodes and seems ok and true to life. Dad watches it a lot and seems to like it. Their down on the coast and a lot more into animals and cattle then most Alaskans due to weather and the high cost of feed.

      The Last Alaskans – This is a new show on TLC and follows around a few of the old timers from the north. Very true to life and gives a good perspective of people that have been living isolated in remote Alaska for decades. Not sure if the show seems like it has legs because it kind of moves along at its own pace.

      Dr. Dee: Alaska Vet – Dr Dee’s vet hospital is probably 3-4 miles from my house. Number of my friends take their animals there but we don’t. Never watched an episode so no idea to the quality. She is definitely a real person who is indeed a pilot so the backstory isn’t made up.

      Gold Rush (used to be Gold Rush Alaska) – I have watched this show from the beginning but it is now all filmed in Dawson City Canada. There is a decent amount of gold mining that goes on in my area so I learned a bit from the show. There is definitely some editing and recreating of scenes that takes places but nothing horrible. I have enjoyed this season because they got an old gold dredge running that were very prevalent in my area from the 1940’s through the 1960’s. The landscape not far from town still has all of the scars and rock piles from these machines as the rumbled through the area. Still an ok watch for me.

      Yukon Men – Filmed in Tanana Alaska and I have seen a number of the earlier episodes. Shows life off the grid in a town of 250 people. They try to play up their remoteness a bit too much as the have regular air service. Also goes down the ABP road too often of how the whole town is starving and is dependent on the next moose hunt. They have a store in town and can go by a burger if they want along with gas. I don’t care for it and don’t watch it anymore. Weird angle on this show I didn’t really pick up at first but others did. Most of the main characters in the show are either caucasian or half caucasian. The town is about 80% Native American. So a few locals pointed out they thought it was weird that the show is based on life in the native town but shows the ethnic minority mostly.

      There has been a number of shows in the last few years that were either based or filmed here in Fairbanks Alaska. One of my renters was hired last summer to drive the film crews around for Alaska Offroad Warriors and has done work for Ice Road Truckers and has appeared on screen a few times. There was a short lived series called Arctic Rescue on Discovery that was following tow trucks around town. Gold Rush has filmed here a few times. Who knew that I was going to be living in the new Hollywood a few years ago.

      As I write this list I can’t think of any shows that are just completely made up anywhere near the extent the ABP is. We all get all of these shows have to recreate and spice things up a bit to make them interesting enough to watch. I think the cinematography of ABP to be very good at times. Some of their overhead shots of the area are beautiful. Rest of the show… meh

      • Thanks! I really liked reading your opinions of those shows, and you remembered a lot of them. I have to add Railroad Alaska, which I watched for awhile. Pretty good show. I’m sure there are more of these Alaskan shows, but like you, I cant recall them all either, lol! Everyone is fascinated by Alaska. I hope to take a cruise tere someday. It is such a beautiful, pretty much untouched place, but I fear the amount of people moving there and tourists visiting will change it with the same commercialism that has come to other unspoiled places. Lord I hope not! All the best to you. 🙂

        • Funny part was when I was writing my post, I was searching for Alaskan shows to jog my memory and it took me to wikipedia. I could think of lots more shows then they had listed. I stuck with the major ones and shows that were also still on the air. That would be quite a memory exercise for me to try to remember all of them. Some of them are long gone like Geo Beach: Tougher in Alaska. I might be one of a very few that would remember some like that. It was kind of like Dirty Jobs the Alaskan version.
          Railroad Alaska isn’t a bad show at all. Good scenery and they show a decent amount of people living off grid. Interesting fact about the railroad I am not sure they go over on the show. You can basically hitchhike a ride. It you are walking along the tracks and stick your thumb out they will stop and pick you up if you are outside of the towns. Only major railroad that will do that.
          You should 100% come to Alaska. Great adventure and a zillion things to see. Inside tip if taking a cruise… skip the cruise line and take the Alaska ferry system. Not as posh but like a quarter the price if not less. They will even let you sleep or pitch a tent on deck if you really want to rough it. Same scenery though. There are ways to see Alaska on the cheap.

        • Yes, yes yes… I watched the entire series also. Was a quality show all around and had some great Alaska flying scenes in some remote locations. It was actually on for 3 seasons. Both my parents had planes and flew in Alaska for years so any flying shows in Alaska I am there.

          • My Dad had an Aeronca Chief on floats and flew from the early sixties till just a couple of years ago and my mom had a Super Cub on floats. Lots of flying around interior Alaska. My mom worked for some of the smaller airlines in our area and got lots of hours in planes like DC-3’s. Still kind of an airplane junkie today. My mom has also been involved with the Reno Air Races for many years. Kind of amazing I never became or got more involved in aviation myself or became a pilot.

      • Alone in the wilderness is a great show. Dick Proenneke built his own cabin. Excellent carpenter.
        On PBS. This is the way it’s really done.

        • I have seen that on PBS, although I has been a while. Doesn’t get more true to life than him. Great show. Also one of the things about the story is he is all alone and does all his own camera work. Some of those scenes where he sets up a camera, then paddles away in his canoe, then has to go back and get the equipment had to take forever. He was truly an incredible carpenter as he made everything himself with hand tools right down to things like the door hinges.

      • Dr. Dee is full of herself and the most expensive vet in town. I had two dealings with her with someone else’s dog and she was a bitch. She also botched a simple drain tube placement. We deal with Dr. Zachel…..he has never steered us wrong and doesn’t charge outrageous fees.

    • David is your man to answer that, Beth, as I am just some goofball in the Lower 48 watching and cracking wise about a TV show that I got assigned to and I’ve never been to Alaska. I’m not big into the Alaskan reality genre, but I really enjoyed “Flying Wild Alaska” that was on DISC a few years ago. I love and grew up around aviation, so I liked that aspect of the show. I also felt that I learned something about the cultures of the small remote native villages. From Alaskan Bush People I’ve learned … uh … EXXXTREME?

      • Didn’t know you were an aviation guy. I grew up around it also. Both my parents had small planes and we flew all the time. That and my mom worked in the aviation industry for 50 years doing everything from flight attendant, ticket agent, dispatcher and station manager. There is a lot of aviation big and small that goes on in Alaska. Only way to get around this remote wilderness to many communities.

  8. Ryan, I just read the article in the link you provided on the history of canned halibut. That was probably the most boring article ever written in the history of humankind. I would go watch some grass grow but the ground is frozen here for the next 4-5 months. 😉

  9. The Browns talk about Bush people helping each other, but they never help anyones, they just take and take.

    They keep taking the junk boats out to sea then let other people spend hours and tons of fuel to save them, then they don’t pay them a dime for their trouble, they just send them on their way.
    They let people come build their cabin when they were supposedly freezing to death, but do nothing for anyone else without getting paid for it.

    • I don’t really want to reply to what anyone said, I just,got tired of looking for a place to make a comment. I just like the show. I don’t want to get into deep conversations about the good and bad or the inconsistencies of the show…I just like it. I like to watch a family that appears to really care for one another. I’m also aware that we probably don’t see every interaction with every person they meet. After I watch them, I don’t have to watch something else to get my mind off it, it doesn’t make me angry, it doesn’t make me wonder what the hell ppl are thinking to be so caught up in themselves, or how they could justify spending hundreds of dollars for a purse! I just like watching it. From Bears “awesome” comments to Matts best new friend Kenny, who knew he had a twin! I don’t have to worry they will say something inappropriate or be half naked…it’s a loving family. I would love to live near them. There’s none of the hype and pure crap that is most programs now. I just like it..peaceful, kind and loving. Nothing wrong with that!

  10. That Bear carving they picked up is worth about 250 bucks. 4 guys 3 days work, hundreds of dollar worth of fuel, damage and wear on the giant boat, yeah that will make a profit.

    They have a lot of new tools but no idea about basic carpentry. First lesson joists go usually 16″ or 24″ on center. You don’t nail them down and then measure to one side of the next one then tell the other guy where to nail his! You mark where they all go first, takes 1 whole minute.

    • Bah did not mean to enter yet…

      Despite knowing nothing about carpentry the rafters were notched out nicely, good job construction crew!

      Also their never ending lumber supply was obviously milled on a large circular saw (like 48″ not a hand one) and not a Bush mill with a chainsaw like they tried to show earlier….

      • Mitt, I am totally embarrassed. After your post I realized I missed something pretty obvious on the carpentry of the chicken coop. They were toe nailing the nails into the wall studs instead of nailing through the bottom of the wall plate up into the wall studs. The way they did it technically would work but is it much harder and not nearly as sturdy. Definitely not the way you would go about framing a wall. Also they are going to need a heat source to keep the chickens alive in the winter. Alaska is generally too cold for chickens to survive the winter.
        I think I was so mesmerized by the fact that they finally showed a Brown nailing a nail and not bending it I completely missed the obvious.

        • Nevermind they used like 2×10’s for a 5 foot span and then loaded everything onto a single “beam” that was just another 2×10 without anymore support, huge waste of wood. They could have used 2×3’s for those joists and it would have supported humans, nevermind chickens!

          • That is also a good point. It was engineered with way too much wasted wood. There is no way the chicken coop is ever going to be bear proof. They are just too strong of an animal. Besides, Noah would just sit in the tent and watch the chickens getting eaten then to intervene and stop it anyway.

  11. Seems like with all their dough from the books and what they stole from Alaska and what the show pays them they could get Birds tooth fixed too. Why does Ami get a mouth full of nice new teeth but their daughter cant get 1 badly chipped tooth fixed? Really selfish of Billy and Ami.

    • Most parents would take care of their kids first. I would assume they want the girls to eventually meet a guy, having no teeth will not help them make Ami’s grandbabies.

  12. I notice there arent many posting on here. I was looking at other recaps and I guess people are afraid to post because of two people in particular who post after every person that posts, drowning them with either their extremely long & repetitive opinions or cussing them out. I dont understand their intensity on a subject like the ABP when there are so many horrible things happeing in the world to people, animals, the environment, the economy, the climate, and politically, etc.. It seems so petty to worry so much about these stupid Browns. Karma will get them eventually. TV is for entertainment. Its just such a waste of time and emotional energy and typing to concentrate so much on trying to make everyone hate them. Yes, the Browns suck, they stole money, they are fake, enough said, life goes on. And I am not talking about Mr. Barenz, I really like his recaps, they are hilarious, and we need the humor to lighten up all the bad in our days and in the world. I am referring to the two posters who have literally taken over his comment sections, a him and a her. He would get a lot more people posting if they didnt have to fear reprisals by these other two obnoxious posters. I do understand why they are so disgusted by them, as am I, I just dont get why they try so hard to force their opinions on others and make people feel stupid that do enjoy them. At least the guy is a lot more polite about it than the girl with the filthy dirty mouth.

      • Ryan, I am completely gobsmacked. I read Heathers comment from above this morning and for the life of me I wasn’t following who the foul mouthed female poster was she was referencing. Without using my name it was pretty obvious I was the guy she was talking about. I was working on my projects today and for whatever reason I thought about this again and was still lost since I probably post the most but don’t remember anybody being openly abusive or a female. So when I came back on a few minutes ago I clicked on your link. Good gosh I had no idea the craziness that unfolded in that recap comment section. Not that anybody cares but I will post on your recaps, but the minute you post a new one I never look back and go with the new one. When I left that recap I remember I was posting #99 (just a weird number that stood out to me because of the high number). Plus that week wasn’t even that fun with all of the attacks and hostility so I was pretty happy to move on. Wow! That whole Donna, Donna/David thing was kind of over the top. Now Heather’s comment makes 100% sense. Obviously that wasn’t me and I had nothing to do with it. I don’t use expletives here or even in my real life, nor would I ever attack somebody for any reason. That was kind of wild. I am certainly hoping my posting don’t resemble the Donna stuff. That seems exhausting to even write that kind of stuff. Anyway, didn’t sound like you thought it was me but certainly had to comment on it.

        • There was another David that was posting that day. I believe you made a comment that he was not you because of the coments he made about one of the girls tooth.

          • Yes, that was true. There was a comment by a David that wasn’t me. I am not a make fun of physical appearance guy. Making fun of filming or all of the mistakes is one thing but I don’t go down the road of any perceived physical shortcomings. Also I noticed during the Donna episode there was a Dave posting.
            I am a bit surprised how many comments keep flowing on the old recaps. I guess I just assumed when Ryan does the new recap we all move over to the new one. When I browsed a bit yesterday after Ryan’s link on the old ones I realized that some of them are alive and well. Boy do I take a beating sometimes in my absence. 🙂
            I just have no where near the time of patience to monitor every recap Ryan has done over the last couple of years. Now that is a full time job.

    • Yes I did Judi. Cruise ships are pretty common in those parts of Alaska in the summer. They do what is called the “inside passage” trip which takes you from north of Seattle all the way to central Alaska while most of the time going between islands and the mainland. Beautiful trip because you are rarely in open ocean so the waters are calm and there is lots of land and animals to see. That is actually the #1 way visitors enter Alaska annually.

      • Ryan, I really like your re-caps of Alaskan Bush Fakers, lol. Almost all of us here in my sorority watch the show, most of us watch just to make fun of them, a few of them like it, (mostly our gullible boyfriends) and the rest of us just love to hate them, lol. We all have been enjoying your funny re-caps afterwards, too, after we discovered them a few weeks ago. Now we are going back through them to try and catch up. A few of us post but we all at least do read your re-caps religiously now and get a big bang out of them. You probably have a very huge following, so just because there may not be many people posting sometimes doesnt mean they are not reading and loving it. Heather is my BFF but I do not agree with her opinion of David, he seems pretty nice at least, tho I would love to smack that Donna in the mouth, lol. Bear needs to put that b**ch on the trebuchet and extreeeeemly and awesomely launch her back to hell where she came from.

        • Aw, shucks. Thanks! Yeah, I’ve been covering this show from Season 1 Episode 1. I hate this show, but I love writing about it. If it were ever canceled, I’d probably end up as a smelly crazy guy on the street corner yelling “AWESOME! EXXXTREME! DADGUMIT!” at passersby.

  13. My top takeaways from this episode:

    Noah’s (non) reaction to the Bears, glad to see he’s looking out for Browntown.

    The cats. I know they have made appearances before, but seriously…the cats are just there and we get no backstory? Did Kenny find them in the dump? Are Bird and Rainy breeding them along with chickens??

    Ami’s new teeth – they look good, and I’m glad she got them fixed, but, is anyone thinking that maybe the other kids (looking at you, Bird) could do with some preventative dental care?

    • I thought the cats just popping out of nowhere was kind of weird also. They had to tell us all about Cupcake the dog when he appeared but nothing on the cats.
      The teeth thing seemed a bit thrown in there also. For a show that has made a big deal of her dental troubles to just throw it in there that all of her teeth are now fixed with a “earlier in the week”, and never say a word when it was done or show anything seems odd. In her interviews she still has bad teeth, but right in the middle of the show she tells us they are all new. The one millionth example of the lack of any kind of editing talent on this show. Also I am splitting hairs but did any one else pay attention to the scene where she tells the family about her new teeth and how really uncomfortable and kind of a throw together scene was? I know small things other probably don’t notice really stick out to me. She walks up the path to the cabin with Billy. They all stand around in a group for a bit just looking around kind of bored and confused. Then Ami after what seems like an eternity says “Hello”. Then right after she says Hello, you hear 2-3 of the kids go “awesome, awesome”. What? It’s awesome when a person stands in front of you for a bit then says hello? Needless to say this family throws around awesome way too much. Also is there any chance that somehow mom disappeared for a day or two and never told the family where she was going or what was happening? I just never understand how this show films scenes like that and thinks… nailed it!

      • Yes! The teeth scene seemed really out-of-place! I totally thought I was watching an old episode for a second. But I guess they kinda take different clips and put them where ever they see fit. It seemed like poor editing though.

    • I know what ya mean. The cats distracted me, like where did they come from?? There’s at least a few of them. I noticed Rain calling Cupcake to get on the boat, but the kitties were on there, too. It was funny.

    • Birdie has had cats for a long time. They are being cared for by some Hoonah locals in town. Not sure about the chickens though. Their first flock starved to death when the Browns finished filming and left Hoonah….the caretaker had some sort of medical emergency and the chickens were forgotten. They ordered 100 new chickens and the dog ate about half of them. Who knows what happened to the rest.

  14. Dadgummit, Ryan, that was a great review. Over on the stoopid housewives site there is an article stating the Browns are filming in San Diego with the Discovery crew for a kind of “The Browns in the Big City” episode. If that is true I think a good name would be “The Beverly Bushbillies.”

    Regarding Bam—yes, he sometimes shows more common sense, but he flies off the handle at the slightest non-provocation. On this episode it looked like Gabe was genuinely mad at him (understandably so). I am surprised one of his brothers hasn’t decked him by this time—or maybe they have and we just haven’t been privvy to it. I would like to see that, actually.

    The chicken coop: They must have made several more trips to that amazing sawing machine to come up with all that lumber. Have to admit I thought the Chicken Mahal line was funny—whether it was a Noah original or a Discovery writer creation. But what about those poor chickens while the Browns went on their extended fishing trip—or the cats—or Mr. Cupcake (maybe he went on the trip, though)? Or, could it be—-someone else takes care of those things? Say it isn’t so!

    Ship in trouble: Yawn! First, thank you, David, for explaining the water filter—I am not a mechanic, but even so, I was skeptical of Matt’s explanation and his doomsday predictions…esp. the doomsday scenario as we know that never happens. Second, regarding the shoelace “repair,”—that seems more like a Noah moment than a Gabe moment—Noah being the fixer/inventor of all things. (And, let me return to a prior complaint: I am still awaiting Noah’s claim from last season that he was working on something that would practically change the world —- where is it, Discovery?)

    Bears are around—let’s ALL go fishin’–and for a looonnngg time—-who couldn’t smell that set-up a million miles away. As I recall, they showed Gabe nailing boards to that one window opening—not even placing the boards close together but leaving plenty of room for claws to get in between the spaces —then the bear goes to that EXACT window, and climbs through the space with no glass in it…Wonder how many other critters made their way inside between the boards before the bear got through? And, yes, it had to have been baited.

    Note to Ami: Enough, already, of your little chicks and you the mother hen. Hopefully, this is all just a script and your really aren’t that determined to keep your grown children in the nest… Note to Billy & Ami & Discovery: Billions of families on this Earth are just as “close” as the Browns purport to be—we just don’t smother each other to “prove” it.

    Dadgummit.

    • So if you look carefully, you will see 1) the boards nailed to keep the board out are not the same as the ones the bears pulled down (the cross nailed piece is missing_; 2) the counters have been removed from the cabinet framework, which means that the footage was filmed earlier; and 3) the amount of trash inside the building looks like it was created by a well trained film crew and not a set of hungry bears. Shame on you Discovery channel.

      • There are obviously so many different thing to dislike and scoff at when it comes to the ABP. My personal number one is the whole shtick about how they have no idea about modern conveniences. We all know that the family lived for years in a normal neighborhood in Texas and lived in many other places in the states. When they go on this tangent about seeing an escalator and how it is just such wiz bang technology that can’t believe it, the whole thing is especially mind numbing for me. It remind me of a moment from the Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie from the mid 2000’s. There was a scene where one of the country folks says something about Wal Mart and Paris says “Wal Mart, what is that? Do they sell walls or something?”. Ummm, excuse me writers but there is zero chance Paris has never heard of Wal Mart no matter how rich and aloof she is. It is just impossible in America today no matter where you live. I feel the same about the Browns and there whole we lived under a rock for our whole lives and we know nothing about anything. Give it a rest already. You just got done calling in to your latest court hearing from the tiny little hamlet of… Seattle Washington, home to a metro area of 3.6 million people. I have been there for a many times and they have skyscrapers, cars and even airplanes. So don’t gives us this bullcrud you are just crawling out of the jungle having never laid eyes on the modern world. The shows I watch and like, I have an expectation that they aren’t going to treat me like a child with complete outlandish foolishness. Not the ABP. It is like they treat their audience like they have an IQ of 60. Seriously, why don’t they just double down and create a set of the Mars and have a Christmas special of “ABP and the Mars landing”. One of the things that was in the State of Alaska’s case against the Browns was that they showed the IP addresses of the computers the Brows were using to turn in their falsified documents online were in Arkansas and Texas. So they are able to travel all over the USA and use computers but dadgummit this whole modern world is so strange and weird to us. Yea right. Keep up the shtick guys.

  15. Why is this fake show still on. These people are now convicted criminals . Not the sort of people you want to idolize. And why is Discovery not finding a genuine Alaskan family that is not complete liars to film. Seems like for the integrity of Discovery is certainly at doubt and in jeopardy. Who wants to keep watching a station that continually films “REALITY” shows that are anything but.

  16. Deep Thoughts… By Jack Handey

    Still with the Gus-davis to pronounce Gust-a-vus. We all know the Browns and the film crew don’t live in Alaska. How about maybe asking an Alaskan how to pronounce the names of Alaskan towns. Would really add to the believability of this show. Probably not bad for the average audience viewer but absolute nails on the chalkboard for those of us in Alaska.

    It is just me or does anyone else notice Ami has this habit of fighting back a smile and laughter on some of her lines? She does it a couple of times this episode and one time really bad at the beginning. Again, a lot more believable story if your actors aren’t cracking up over the BS they are trying to deliver.

    Billy tells us he has learned a lot by all of the times he has tried and failed. I hope he has a genius IQ by now because everything they touch blows up in their face.

    Still with this crud about your profit of a hauling business. A boat falling apart, burning up diesel and four grown men standing around for days watching a guy make a carving of a bear. Apparently to turn a profit the bear carver is paying $17,989 to transport the bear 90 miles.

    The whole boat breaking down was horrible to even try to watch. So let’s get this straight to make sure I am understanding. They have engine trouble so they call for a tow (never did I hear them give their location). They get a tow into town. Then Gabe takes a shoelace and fixes the problem. Soooooo, going out on a limb here, Gabe couldn’t have done that at sea in the 2 minutes it took after arriving in town? Then the HORROR of finding water in……. a water filter? Ummm, that is what the filter is supposed to do. Why on earth would you act like the whole motor might be completely seized and ruined (which it was running when you turned it off), because you found water in the fuel filter with a water trap. That is where water is supposed to be. I own and use a number of those same filters myself on house tanks between the fuel tank and the boiler. Wow, what a bunch of made up junk that made zero sense. Oh yea, this ABP, forgot they probably have a trademark on that.

    Matt “This was not the voyage I was looking for”. I know the feeling Matt. For all of your three seasons that have been on TV I get the same sinking feeling.

    Billy listening to the story about them hitting the dock and the mechanical trouble and seeming mildly shocked how bad it went. Seriously Billy, you break down constantly when you are driving and hit every dock you see. Also I might point out that YOU plowed into a log and sunk the Opal. So all in all seems like the boys did better than you.

    Billy “I always tell the boys don’t pass up on something cool”. Do you mean like a life of their own not living with their elderly parents, getting educations and going on to successful jobs that make them happy and help them attain successful lives, having relationships with the opposite sex to go on to have their own families and not being coerced into committing theft and fraud and possibly doing jail time? You mean like cool stuff like that Billy?

    Noah saying that he heard the bears trashing their camp, but decided to just sit tight in his tent and lay low rather than scare the bear off. Great plan there Noah.

    Matt telling us how dangerous halibut fishing is. Somewhere the Deadliest Catch crews roll with laughter.
    Billy telling us that when the Browns work together there is no stopping them, and they can accomplish anything. Yes we know Billy, all of you filling out falsified documents and stealing money from all Alaskan citizens, year after year after year. There seemed to be no stopping the Browns.

    Please show us more grainy night cam shots of Bears breaking into a cabin. Absolutely amazing the Browns are NEVER home when this happens. If you think for one second the production crew hasn’t left a trail of rotisserie chickens every five feet leading up to that window with a cooked T-bone behind the boards you are seriously kidding yourself. In the previews you could see the boards practically fall off when the bear touched it. This couldn’t be more staged. So funny how they have the cameras perfectly set up. Also I just thought of something… is there ever any broken glass? I highly doubt it. Sure the windows are removed. Also don’t ever forget there are other people and towns on that Island. Not like they are the only people that live on that Island and the other people live with Bears around just fine.

    • Hey, it sounds like you actually watched this episode! Good insight on the engine. That’s the kind of stuff I’m too weary to research. ABP never shows you exactly what the problem is so they can explain stuff however they want.
      ABP appears to have used fake (or previously killed) fish in the past, and these halibut don’t seem like they’re fighting for their lives or “dying of oxygen” here. Matt also says something about “subsistence now only lets you use 30 hooks.” I like how he often throws in some mention of fishing/hunting regulations to give the illusion that they’re not scofflaws. Also, where would one store 200 pounds of smoked halibut in the bush?

      • Yes, I did DVR the episode and watch it. Not sure what got into me. No way I am watching the Browns and watching commercials. That is just way past the line.
        I did take notice of Matt talking about the fishing regulations. Maybe somehow they are trying to turn over a new leaf. Might also be a good idea after being charged with violations.
        Also I had the same thought on the halibut and what they were going to do to keep it. I have never heard of anybody smoking it to preserve it which is very common with salmon. They don’t have a freezer and I don’t think the root cellar would keep it cold enough. Also did you like while they were catching fish that Ami had to mention how she was hungry? Again the Browns very survival depends on the next hunt of fishing trip. Real survivalist those Browns.

      • Watch the footage. Gabe is playing with his shoelaces before the damned engine broke down, where he needed them to repair the problem. Since when does one not use a marine radio tuned to the emergency calling channel to request help? What could work better than using a handheld radio ( 3-5 miles of coverage at best in good conditions) to call for anybody that might just be on frequency and within range; and BTW the marine emergency frequency channel is not 72 – it is 16, and must be on frequency when operating.

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About Ryan Berenz 2057 Articles
Some thing I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife