Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People recap: Rock, Paper, Skipper

Alaskan Bush People Ryan Berenz

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The Black Screen of Fake Doom!



It’s Make Your Own Alaskan Bush People Black Screen of Fake Doom Night!

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“Dad just had a seizure, is what happened,” Bam explains. “He every now and then weirds out, gets all dingy. He has a seizure.” Billy was in a coma for a week in 2006, and he’s had these seizures since then, and they’ve grown more frequent.

“When he has one of these episodes, you never know if it’s the last episode he’ll ever have,” Noah says. Is Noah talking about Billy or the show? “So that’s why we all stick together. We all want to be there when it happens.” So the Brown kids’ lives revolve around waiting for their father to die?

Someone needs to decide if Billy’s going to go to Seattle for medical treatment, expensive coffee and grunge music. Of course a pissing match between Bam and Matt ensues about who gets to make that decision. If Billy’s going to die, he’s going to die in the bush or on a boat, not in some hospital, dadgumit! Billy has a Bush Heart!

But it’s back to work! Somebody’s gotta weed the garden and wash the dog. Matt’s busy spreading fern seeds all over the top of the root cellar to prevent erosion. This involves Matt “dancing on leaves with his socks,” because everything Matt does must be accomplished with nonsense.

It’s been four days since Billy’s last seizure.


There’s a hauling job that needs to be done from Hoonah to Gustavus, and Billy’s thinking that it might be time for his kids to do this one on their own. “Having a close family is one of the greatest gifts we’ve ever given the boys,” Billy says. “But in some ways, I think it might be holding them back.” YA THINK?

After the camera crew left for the night (I guess they’re not sitting around waiting for Billy’s next seizure), there’s a bear in the midst of Brownton Abbey. The Browns come out with a show of force to scare off the bear, and a morning perimeter check reveals an “exxxxtremely dead bear.” The bears are cannibalistic!

The roof is leaking on the Browns’ cabin, probably in the same spot where they tried to build the house into a tree. It’s decided that they will tin the roof. Insert “Love Shack” joke here. Billy knows a guy in Hoonah who will give them a bunch of scrap tin if they put in a day’s work for him. Nothing cures seizures like the good ol’ sea air, so Billy and the boys take the Integrity up to Hoonah.

Rainy and Birdy go berry-picking. Birdy advises against eating berries directly from the bush because they may contain worms. Then they smash berries on each other’s faces and that pretty much does it for these two for the rest of the episode.

The scrapyard in Hoonah is not Kenny’s junkyard, which may lend credence to Stoopid Housewives‘ theory that THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS! when he visited Brownton Abbey last week. Kenny is probably buried in Matt’s root cellar. The boys have to sort a bunch of scrap in exchange for the tin sheets, and Matt decides he’s going to be foreman of the operation.

And back home, Billy lets Matt lead the roofing operation, because SEIZURE! Gabe and Bear install the tin on the roof, and it’s not going well. I’m not a smart man when it comes to roofing, but I do know that you start laying stuff at the bottom by the eaves, because GRAVITY! It’s going slowly, and there’s rain coming, meaning the roof will get slick as ice and Billy will misuse the word “literally.” Bam arrives on the scene (big mistake) and lifts a sheet of tin up to Gabe. The tin gets snagged on the roof paper and Gabe can’t get a grip on it. (Not sure why Bam didn’t use the ladder to slide the tin up to Gabe, but that’s why Matt is in charge of this cluster and I am not.) Bam almost gets Slap Chopped by the sheet on its way down. Somehow the boys or some professionals from Hoonah get the job done.

Where’s Noah during the whole roof escapade? He’s in his workshop of horrors doing biology projects and listening to opera. He’s preserving a dead bat in “formalgahyde” and vinegar in a jar.

Billy confers with Matt and Bam about the hauling job to Gustavus, and after much seriousness and nodding, it’s decided that the boys will go on the journey without Billy. The boys then confer around the campfire to determine who will be skipper of this voyage, and logic and reason is overridden by rock, paper, scissors. Matt is captain. May he go down with the ship.

The family says bon voyage to the seafaring foursome. “Remember that we’ll be right here,” Ami says tearfully.

“And if we’re not here, we’ll be up there waiting for you.”

I assume by “up there” Ami means up in Bear’s treehouse.



  1. All very immature people here, KARMA, watch out. I enjoy watching this show and will continue.
    If you all weren’t so judgmental you’d stop and think before flapping your lips. And just how would anyone of you handle losing your whole family at age 16????? Don’t bother to answer.
    Who died and made you perfect???

  2. Ferns don’t have seeds. Ferns reproduce differently from flowering plants. Ferns have spores. Maybe the kids should have gone to school.

  3. I love this show and so does my family. All you bashers, go pretend you have a life. Of all the crap on TV these days, are you kidding me! it’s great to watch this kind of programming. So what it’s not real sometimes. Try living in the bush with TV crews around you. It’s called “ENTERTAINMENT”. I miss good’ol value shows like this like Little House on the Prairie kind of stuff………….Come-on!!!! just enjoy it and quit your wining about how unreal it is.

    • Not real? Who cares that it isn’t real. We have fun poking fun at it. Most “reality” shows are loosely based on true life. Two problems here…
      1) There is nothing “loosely based” going on here. These guys are making things completely up. They live in Texas or in a hotel in Alaska and go shoot a made up show. If they would just admit this is just all fantasy, then great. But right till the end they want to claim this is a true story when all of the information show this is anything but reality. These people don’t live in the bush, nor own the land they are on, or built the house. The TV crew is the least of their problems.
      2) If you mean good old value shows like this one where they have admitted to not living in Alaska when they said they did, committed felony fraud and theft over a number of years and will be going to prison for their crimes… this is definitely the show for you. Comparing the Browns to Michael Landon is like comparing the boy scouts to the KGB.

      • The house even has electrical outlets now and I never hear a generator going, but that would use so much gas anyway.

        • Ya outlets and light switches. Are there light fixtures to. That will be alot of peddling for bear.

  4. Don’t these idiots know there are simple things called anti-seizure drugs? Not guaranteed that would take care of Billy’s problem, but pretty likely.

  5. lol the whole roof scene was redonkulous! My dad was like, “you’re supposed to lay shingles starting from the bottom and work up…logically so rain doesn’t seep in between.” I’m like but dad these are the Browns, they don’t do logically, not typically

  6. In the recent events of the cast of the show, We no longer support it by watching it, or supporting its advertisers. Please cancel this show and move on to some better programming.
    Discovery please do better research on your actors and shows you support.
    It really makes you look bad.

  7. That was absolutely hysterical, I really saw it the way you were telling it. I truly enjoyed that.

  8. With all due respect to the great movie, The Treasure of Sierra Madre, I would think that the skiff would be thinking, Ankle bracelets, we don’t need no stink’ ankle bracelets.

  9. I meant to add, a 30 dollar pair of 2 way radios that have a range of 20 miles and some batteries might be a better investment in the bush than cordless drills.

  10. Now they have cordless drills too! Does Bear get on a bike to charge them up?

    But they need to haul trees on the ocean to mill them someplace that has a ladder and a chainsaw?

    They have nothing to communicate up a hill that seems to be a ten minute run from camp?

  11. I loved how it was an emergency that they had to get the months old roof covered that same day, even if it was raining.

    Not like any of them have anywhere else they need to be the next day, well ever.

  12. How could you still have these stupid hillbilly’s still on TV now there waiting to go to jail the idiot who put this stupid movie on TV should be in jail the whole family sounds like there mentally unstable they all can’t talk like even plain there so dam dumb and hillbilly is the lazy ass bum that has the kids take care of his lazy ass and the kids do all the work the only place these people could have any chance might be in the army the tree climber he should try out for AX MEN and what are these kids going to have when they get older nothing thanks to hillbilly get them off the air there all frauds

  13. Dang you guys and your Fake Screen of Black Doom. I had no plans to watch this episode but decided I wanted to see how they handled the whole Billy is sick angle after reading the recap. Thanks Ryan, really appreciate it. There is an hour I will never get back. So if I watched the train wreck I might as well chime in on it and join your fun.
    “While working in the woods…”, yep, we are done right there. Billy has hardly lifted a finger this entire series. That has only happened in a group setting for a few seconds, like lifting a log with the family (bet he was faking it while everybody else lifted). So obviously that never happened.
    The family says Billy never goes to the doctor, yet in a previous episode he went to Hoonah, to see the doctor. There was work to do of course. Seems to me the Browns go the dentist or the doctor a number of times in this show. Not buying that angle.
    Last we left Matt and his root cellar he was standing in a one foot hole, with logs standing on end and an electrical panel in the middle. All agreed it was a complete cluster including Matt. Typical for this show, POOF, the root cellar is completely built and done somewhat properly. Yet this show that struggles for story lines never covers any of the building of the root cellar done right. Strange how that happens isn’t it? Almost like Matt never built it (huge pile of dirt but no holes to be seen anywhere in the shot). Of course this honest show would never do anything like that.
    Oh the roof job! I have done 4 roofs in the last two years, 2 of which were the same 5 seam panels they were using. I am not even going to bore you all with the technical aspects of it and how they had zero idea what they were doing. In a previous shot of the cabin you could see the blue tarp was blowing in the wind so it was barely attached. It did have tar paper under it that looked properly installed so it shouldn’t have been leaking (I am sure the construction crew did that part). When it starts raining and you are working with those panels… you get the heck off the roof, like now! It is quite slick and dangerous. You don’t continue on and risk killing yourself. Who cares if your house was leaking a bit. The wood will dry. Also they seemed to have quit when it didn’t even reach the eve. All you have to do is cut a smaller piece and slide it under. You don’t leave it 2 feet short. Enough of the roof, it was ridiculous from start to finish.
    More of the same old crud… “somebody is sick and we need to step up”. We have been hearing this same old tired line since the beginning of the show. Step the frick up, or shut up about it already. For gosh sakes, you are in your 30’s, you live with mom and dad, don’t have a job or girlfriend and you are now the authority on stepping up? Isn’t it funny if we asked an ABP female fan if she would like to be set up on a date with a guy in his 30’s who lives with his parents and has no job, she would say @#$% NO! But if I say that same guy is Bear Brown… BEAR BROWN! YES YES YES! I want to go live in Browntown!
    More dumb bear footage. This is so spliced up and shot at different times I can’t believe they keep showing this. Yes, there are bears on the island, we get it. The crew probably rubs fresh deer meat all over the cabin and sets up the camera and everybody goes back to the hotel. Seriously, I would bet a lot of money on it. Not sure if down in the states they have bear stands like they do up in Alaska. Basically they put food in a metal container to attract bears (but they can’t get to all the food) and then shoot them when they are in the area later. Anyway, this chopped up footage that is crammed together like it all happened at once is so bad a film student on his first day should be embarrassed by this horrible work. The night vision isn’t even night vision as you can see the bright sky in the background.
    Here is where you need an Alaskan. The Browns and even the narrator mispronounce Gustavus, where their big shipping job is going to occur. It is pronounced GUST-A-VUS (pretty much like it is spelled). Everyone of them call it GUSDAVIS. I have lived in Alaska my entire life and I have never heard a single person call it Gusdavis. Seriously, you were 30 year fisherman in this area, and you can’t pronounce the name off the town? Is it me, or do they not seem like they are even from Alaska (wink wink).
    More of this fake shipping business. When are they just going to just drop this farce. You need real business licenses, coast guard certification of ship seaworthiness and insurance just to name a few things. Amazing how they just don’t let the SS Beverly Hillbillies set sail commercially in Alaskan waters. Funny how they never show us any of this stuff. Also, do most people think Alaska is the wild west in the 1800’s? We cave people up here have no way of moving things around until the Browns arrived and solved our problems. The Alaska Marine Highway System (our state owned ferry system, which is quite good by the way) serves all of these communities with fairly large ships. Hoonah to Gustavus is a route they serve and it an 1:45 minute sailing. Also in addition to these ships there are other transportation options. The Integrity (That name is PRICELESS btw) fuel costs alone would make it not even close to being financially possible to make money on these little loads they have previously done. That is why other shipping companies don’t use them.
    Lastly, why does every job done by the Brown boys have to have a leader who is democratically elected? Want to build a roof… who is going to be the leader? Want to take a boat out in the water… who is going to be skipper? Guys, any chance you just work together and get the job done rather than have these conferences to elect leaders? Oh yea, got to fill an episode with something right? Forgot about that.

  14. How did no one at Discovery catch the stupid roofing blunder before it aired? They would have done better to skip that part entirely since it shows how clearly inexperienced and clueless the Browns are despite all their claims.

  15. OMG. The Black Screen of Fake Doom. Can it get any better than this? A veil has been discretely drawn over the harshness of Alaskan reality in the bush–wait, I thought that’s what the cameras were for, to capture this reality for posterity?

    They should have used the black screen for the roofing scene–they’d have come across as much more efficient I’m sure if we were told straight out on an important, inarguable black screen that they efficiently put the roof on, then showed us the finished product and the guys looking modest.

    I wish we had that option out here in the bush when we have a major floathouse project to work on. Where can I get one of these handy black screens?

  16. Love your recaps Ryan! Brown luck = dumbassery.

    Seems like the Hoonah bushbillies might have had enough of faking in the bush. I get the the feeling that all these illnesses are set up for a move. Of course there will be much drama and hand wringing, some will think they should stay and some will think they should go for the sake of Ma and Pa. Ultimately, the clan must stay together, thick as thieves.
    Ma has new teeth, Hollywood here we come!

    My Black Screen of Fake Doom:

    While skippering the Integrity, Matt mysteriously disappears. Bear exxtremely recovers Matt’s tinfoil hat with a net. Birdi and big, dumb Gabe take off their shoes and socks in an effort to try and figure out how many shots they should fire in the air.
    Noah dons his newly invented octacle, see 8 lenses. He scans the horizon for Matt’s head, pondering if he should add a black handlebar mustache to his octacle because that was the fashion Victorian times and that makes it better.

    #head in a jar
    #who’s next
    #Bam will be king

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About Ryan Berenz 2106 Articles
Some things I like (in no particular order): Sports, Star Wars, LEGO, beer, 'The Simpsons' Seasons 1-13, my family and the few friends who are not embarrassed to be seen with me. Why yes, I am very interested in how much you like 'Alaskan Bush People.' #LynxForLife