Discovery Channel Alaskan Bush People recap: Shots Fired

Go Here For All Of Your Fish-Punching Alaskan Bush People Needs!

Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

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Just another beautiful day in the bush, my friends.

I have no idea what the plea deal [Update: Rejected!] means for the longterm future of the show. Discovery went with an all-out media blitz for the Season 3 premiere, and I’ve seen the Browns covered in outlets I’d never seen before. With the fraud case now out in the (sorta) mainstream, lots of people are learning about Alaskan Bush People for the first time. Scandals and negative press usually have a positive impact on audience numbers — and that’s good for the cash flow at Discovery Channel. Is Discovery milking every last drop from the cash cow before reluctantly putting it down? Don’t know.

There’s no indication the show will be yanked before Season 3 ends. Besides, we’re just talking about a little fraud and theft here. Totally forgivable. Nobody cares about that. The Browns just stole from the government, which is totally cool because the government steals from all of us anyway, the bastards. Now, if a Brown family member were suspected of a sexcrime, that would mean immediate cancellation and the name Alaskan Bush People stricken from every book and tablet, erased from the memory of men for all time. This paragraph may contain thinly veiled sarcasm and The Ten Commandments quotes.

On to “Shots Fired,” one of the most farcical entries in the ABP series, and that’s saying a lot.

It’s summer on Chicago Bears Island. But winter is right there!

Bear is being wolflike again, running shirtless and mud-slathered through the woods doing Bush Parkour in an effort to track deer for a very IMPORTANT hunt. This stuff makes some very lonely ladies swoon, apparently.

Gabe and Matt (in between chugging cans of whole tomatoes) are building Ami a bed downstairs so she doesn’t have to climb up. Dadgumit, woman! That lumber was supposed to be for Matt’s pool house!

Ami’s recovering from her injury in the “hospital” in Juneau, and her “vertebrae are deteriorating” from living the Bush life for too long. The doctor says she’s not supposed to move. (I’d love to watch a live Ami Bedcam!) This Ami stuff has serious implications for the family. Who will teach Rainy about Bush Biochemistry? Who will make decorative wall hangings out of twigs? “It could literally change the way we live,” Billy says. Everyone will have to step up and do Ami’s share of the weaving and dental emergencies.

The Browns sure as hell don’t want another Dread Winter of ’95. God, that was awful. “Thirty-nine degrees below zero, not including wind shear,” Bear says, possibly confusing wind chill and wind shear. Not sure. Bush Meteorology was not my best subject in high school.

The Council of Brown convenes and decides that getting meat is the best course of action and a good way to burn off a lot of screen time with cool night-vision stuff. “Right now, we need meat. We need it really bad,” Billy says.

Matt goes into Hoonah to get parts for Ami’s root cellar.

This leads Matt to … KENNY! Yes, Kenny from the Junkyard, arguably the most fascinating person ever to appear on this series. Matt is looking for something to reinforce the root cellar, or Alaskan Refrigerator, and help make it bear-proof. He and Kenny sort through a mix of scrapped appliances, eventually coming to this old computer mainframe cabinet that looks like [SPOILER ALERT!] “The Old Man in the Cave” from The Twilight Zone. Matt’s going to haul this beast back to Brownton Abbey and “mix it with nature.” “What comes from the earth shall go back to the earth,” says Kenny, the Confucius of the Bush.

I know nothing about firearms, but can someone who does know something tell us if pouring chicken grease on your rifle actually accomplishes something other than making your gun smell like the garbage can at a Popeye’s? Wouldn’t the smell attract bears? And like hell chicken grease doesn’t “coagulate.” Just ask this Florida Woman.

Noah is in charge of designing the new smokehouse that will preserve all the fish they caught in Excursion and whatever fresh deer carcass Bear brings back. Noah thinks he’s got an innovative design for a smokehouse with some kind of automatic firewood replenishment contraption. “We don’t need to go quite as overkill as you’re talking,” says Bam, ever the voice of reason. “Yes, I’m sure the original Noah cut corners on the Ark,” Noah protests. I can’t speak to that, but I’m pretty sure Darren Aronofsky cut more than a few corners on Noah. Bam gets in some nice digs on Noah about his wearing Puffy Shirts to do construction work. I’m liking Bam so much more these days, and Noah’s pretentious asshat act is wearing thin. Take this exchange:

Bam: Noah, we need to talk, man. I love the dreamhouse you’re building. But it’s taking too long.
Noah: Well …
Bam: Those fish are going to rot out on us. We need the smoker operational as quick as possible.
Noah: When you first walked up, you should’ve said “And I need to talk” not “We need to talk,” because apparently all you’re doing is informing me.
Bam: I suppose more accurate I should’ve said “I need to talk to you.” But can you, real quick, take my stove and hook that up to the smoker?

NOAH FAIL! “I’m completely willing to sacrifice my design so we can have fish now,” he says. “Progress has to suffer, but at least the family won’t.” But the viewers’ suffering continues unabated. Take this exchange:

Noah: Oppenheimer didn’t stop creating the nuke merely because they had missiles.
Bam: I don’t need a nuke. Just trying to smoke some fish.
Noah: You obviously didn’t understand the metaphor.

There are not enough faces or palms on Earth to represent the degree of facepalming I want to do right now.

Bear assembles his hunting team of Gabe and Birdy before dawn, so that they can get up to the summit of the hill at sunrise so they can take advantage of the deer-killin’ happy hour specials. There’s a lot of green night vision stuff and some manufactured elements of danger, as if they’re in Zero Dark Thirty and about to pop a cap in Osama bin Laden instead of hunting for deer.

KENNY! pays a visit to Brownton Abbey and gets a tour of all Matt’s stupid ideas, which, at one point, included a drawbridge connecting his tire hut to the metro Brownton Abbey area. But Matt decided to just lay down a board and call it a day. Other crap includes a knife-throwing target, a dumpster mirror and a doorbell of some kind. “Gotta have a gong, you know,” says Kenny. Indeed. Kenny helps Matt dig a shallow grave root cellar to drop The Old Man in the Cave inside. Matt eventually has to wave the white flag on his plan, likely due to lack of time and interest (see last week). “In my head, some things don’t work the same as in reality,” Matt says. “Like gravity, for instance.” The wise and practical Bam explains to Matt the folly of Matt’s ambitions. “Bam has been against Franken-Fridge since it started, that it had no place in the root cellar,” Matt says. “And it feels like Bam might have been right.” FRANKEN-FRIDGE FAIL!

It’s daybreak on the hill where Bear believes there will be thousands of deer. But there’s not a deer in sight. EXXXTREME FAIL! “It is EXXXTREMELY important for me that I come home with meat,” Bear says. But all Bear finds are freshly killed deer parts, meaning that there’s been a hunter (I assume he’s not talking about a human one) nearby and the deer have vacated the area. If Bear collects enough deer parts, could he reconstruct a whole new deer from them? You know, like Franken-Deer? … Sorry.

“Disenchanted with the smoker design, Noah retreats to his tent for some spider experimentation,” says our dear narrator. I’ve seen enough ’50s monster movies to know where this is going.

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Noah claims to have caught a poisonous male spider in a jar, and Noah says that the spider would bite him but it “doesn’t realize there’s glass in the way.” He also claims that spiders make zombie-like “moaning” sounds. If Noah has caught a purring wolf spider, the spider does not want to bite Noah, but merely wants to have sex with him. Noah names his spiders by drawing from a deck of playing cards with pictures of dead composers. (Or De-Composers?) This particular spider’s namesake is Sergei Rachmaninoff. More like Sergei Arachnidinoff, amiright?

Ami gets out of bed to take a nice stroll through the garden. Look how lovely everything is! This sweet moment could in no way portend some kind of tragedy.

And then tragedy struck. Bear, Birdy and Gabe hear three gunshots coming from Brownton Abbey. Three shots means there’s trouble afoot, probably those goons from up in Chitina coming down to finish the job.

All the preview junk indicates that Billy has some major medical emergency.

[SPOILER ALERT!]

Billy is not dead.

67 Comments

    • “Donna”–Your mouth’s too dirty, your spelling is like a first-grader’s, your thoughts are scattered and ridiculous, and you’re just way too damned stupid, so that’ll never happen. Take some good advice and seek mental help “Donna….David”, whoever and whatever the hell you are. We are all pity your lunacy. But glad you are at least entertaining yourself. You’re a legend in your own mind.

  1. Whose next???? I am bored and the ignorance and stupidity people have for the hill billie motha fuckas is entertaining me….. To think I was a due hard fan…. No longer a fool or fan….

  2. Ok America bring on your ignorant cheering for Hillbillie and his inbred offspring so I can put you all in check…and please dont get it twisted cause I will shed some light on that too….

  3. I used to be a faithful fan but now that I am aware of how gullible I
    am I am very angry.. Fool me once shame on you… Fool me twice shame on me but now it is Fool me twice fuck you… They are thieving clowns and moochers…. What a shame and shame on Discovery …Family values my ass…. Discovery please find an honest Alaskan Family who could use the money and stop supporting scam artist..

  4. Next crime will be a csc charge. There creepy. I dont think any woman would feel safe thinking of beeing raped around them pedifiles.

  5. Where and how can i send a nice gift basket to you. I love your show. You definitely show what it truly means to have such wonderful family by your side. A real closeness and lots of love. All of you are unique in your own way so very talented, strong, hard working, dedicated, and at the end of the day you all show what it truly means to have family by your side. I would really love to meet you and chill..

    • Karen dont be so damn gullible… Do ur research… They have been known moochers and scam artist and are criminals and are acting for the public to cover their crimes…. Discovery is leasing the land and finished their home …They used to have cardboard walls and now they have beautiful hard wood walls with many outlets and light switches….who u think put up to those beautiful walls… And billy the DICK is a pot growing pot smoking lazy bastard… They need to serve hard time for a couple of years and then booted out from
      the public eye and Alaska… Fraudulent people do not deserve the credit America is giving them…. billy boy is passing out in the woods for sympathy but I empathize for the ignorant gullible people like me and you… So do ur homework and research before you feel sorry for some criminals who are showing off to cover all the bad publicity they are receiving for their criminal acts…And I wonder why stupid Ami keeps those girls so close to her cause the men probably are molestors…Who the hell marries a 15 year old… Oh yes billie and that is with a lower case “b”… His name Should be dick… And shame on Discovery for doing their homework and continuing to fool the gullible public eye for money…. I used to be a huge fan until God shined the light on my eyes… Dont be a fool or go meet the clowns and become one…

    • No I think he shish kebob-bed his brain when he fell out the tree and landed on that damn branch…. Ouch!!!!

    • I like to show regardless of some of it may not be real life the fact that their family is so close is like a modern day Waltons in Alaska. I like the way they socialize with one another always want to cover each others back period regardless if they did they know tell I do think some people are jealous of their fame possibly? and also there’s words about them screwing over the government.this may be true, fildo they’re not bad people like the way they take care of business on their own feed themselves from the earth. I like the fact that they aren’t afraid to work I like the fact that they think outside the box I like the fact that they aren’t afraid to get dirty and aren’t materialistic as so many of us are like most people would freak out over the littlest things and they just take it in stride I’m fix the problem. I think the father Billy is very controlling but I know he loves his kids. The show is very entertaining and I’ve learned some things from the show about wilderness. I enjoy the show and I hope it stays all in some of the sons are good looking and it’s just really need to see how much they love their mother. As for all you haters suck it

    • And Torri America bows their head in prayer for your stupidity…. Turn the other ass cheek in this case sista

      • WAS I TALKING TO “DONNA”?? NO, I ADDRESSED THAT TO DAVID, AND IT IS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT SINCE THIS DISGUSTING POTTY-MOUTH “DONNA” POSTS BS AFTER EVERY OTHER POSTER AND PUTS THEM DOWN AND TRIES TO SWAY THEIR OPINION, AND SINCE DAVID SEEMS TO BE LACKING LATELY IN POSTS, THAT “DONNA” IS ACTUALLY DAVID USING AN ALIAS, USING ALL THE NASTY, VILE WORDS HE HAS LONGED TO FOR SO LONG. THIS SITE LET YOU USE WHATEVER NAME YOU WANT, AFTER ALL. YOU’RE A SAD, SAD CASE, DAVID/DONNA. MUCH SADDER THAN THE BROWNS, FOR SURE. YOU CAN CURSE AND SPEW ALL THE SHIT YOU WANT, BUT YOU CANT HIDE HOW STUPID AND PATHETIC YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT HURTING ANYBODYS FEELINGS OR MAKING THEM FEEL BAD FOR THEIR OPINION, YOURE ONLY MAKING US PITY YOU MORE. YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO GET A LIFE, YOU PITIFUL TWINK.

  6. I was absolutely appalled that the Browns attorney asked for a reduced sentence due to the fact that they have “suffered” so much this past year due to the unrelenting “slamming” from the social media. What about the suffering that they caused to the many many innocent people that they have scammed over the years, not to mention the thousands of dollars they have stolen from the Alaskans themselves.

    I noticed on last nights episode that they were once again out hunting for deer. Everyone knows that they do not possess valid hunting or fishing licenses. Any deer shot is not done so by them but shot by a local resident who then plants the deer for filming purposes.

    The medical emergency was a farce, as is everything else on that show. It may be true that Billy has seizures……but that is something that can be controlled through the proper medications. I thought that his “medical emergency” was appropriately “planned” in view of the upcoming fraud hearings and trial.

    The icing on the cake was Ami crying when her four “babies”…..four grown adult MEN, were going to be absent from the nest for a day or so to go fetch tin for their leaking roof. And then watching those guys put that tin on the roof was like watching a rerun of a Three Stooges movie. Ryan is going to have a field day with that one !!!!

    • This whole ABP is so fascinating. They have broken the law over a period of years that accounted for $20,900 in theft, fraud, and lying on sworn statements for a whopping 40 (count them 40!!!!) felonies. They have been caught illegally fishing very recently. Billy married Ami when she was 15 years old. Their entire story is a lie. Now how do I know this? Excellent question. Because the Browns have told you this. Both a week ago in a written statement from the Browns, and in all of their conflicting stories like their book. Their lawyer has told you this week by admitting that the Browns story is falling apart and has exposed them of not being the real McCoy. The locals from Hoonah and many parts of Alaska has reported that their whole story is a bunch of laughable lies. Some of the media has exposed many parts of their story as being fabricated. Seriously, there is zero percent chance that what they are trying to convince you is true. So we have a bunch of lying thieves (who have… STOLE MONEY FROM ME PERSONALLY!! Yes that is right. I am not repeating the story for the 500th time. Read up on the PFD theft and see how they stole from all Alaskans of a period of years).
      Yet their fans are 100% behind them and basically become a lynch mob if you say otherwise. Statement like they are such a close and honest family, good morals and people we can look up to are just amazing. Three postings below this one they have a petition going to save the show which says…

      “We hope that regardless of the outcome of their legal problems, Discovery Channel continues to renew the show “Alaskan Bush People” as we support the Browns and believe that positive shows with family values are desperately needed in our society.”

      What the heck are you talking about?!?!!?!? Positive shows with family values? Stealing money and lying on sworn statements about it are representing positive shows with family values. It is the exact opposite of that. At this point people are just delusional. There is no other explanation.
      I could care less that their show is as real as a fairy tale, boring and painful to watch. If people enjoy it good for them. Their show could go on for 100 years and I could care less. Some of the shows I enjoy others may find terrible. What really bothers me is these people have committed many crimes in the state of Alaska and have yet to pay for their crimes in money and jail time. Nobody is going to go into a Wal Mart and steal $20,900 and not do some decent jail time. Yet people openly rooting for them to get away with it.
      When the ABP fans support them based on what they watch on a completely made up TV show (and seem to believe everything they watch as 100% gospel), all I hear at this point is… stealing money, HECK YA!!, lying on sworn statements… YOU BET!!, lying about their story and what you watch on TV… MORE LIES THE BETTER!!, I love and support all of this!! More money stolen the better! Remember, don’t believe me, Billy Brown told the world in a sworn statement that the family stole money of a period of years and committed fraud while doing it. Family values my @#$%.
      Now there is a rant for you ABP fans.

      • Holy shit! I like to show a lot but I really didn’t know that Billy and his family did. That’s pretty f***** up and they need to pay every penny back for that and for those who are old enough to serve time should nobody in America should be above the law regardless of popular they are

  7. How come the dad gets sick every time. There is work and noah really don’t help I guess he is disabled but he did have some sweet moves for Christy

    • agree I don’t understand why Noah doesn’t do physical labor or fishing or whatever he seems to be an inventor very brilliant but I didn’t notice billy gets sick a lot and I never see him doing any kind of work he talks too damn much. did anybody notice that they all have all kind of a strange accent? I still like the show though

    • No noah has a great lazy teacher and is smarter than the rest…they only work hard for the camera…and Noah is like hhmmm dad acts sick and gets out of work …maybe it will work for me…when off they are living in other people luxury and have been doing so for years…. At Least they have pickled bat and other pickled critters to eat when it freezes up again..they need to be shipped to the desert in New Mexico and booted out of Alaska and its beautiful terrain …Shame on them and Discovery

    • Noah is not disabled …he injured his leg doing some kind of work and using his smarts and figuring his con artist Hill Billie dads way he uses it for an excuse to get out of work….and so smart cause he will outlive them all while the others injure their skeletal system for slaving for the brains of the operation….from a used to be a die hard fan…all the hours I recorded so I would not miss an episode ….now all i can do is kick myself….if i could bite me own ass i would

    • And not for 30 days…30
      Months the least… Dont be stupid Eric…billie and the clowns would mooch and steal from you too cause you would allow it…no rephrase that you would be blinded by their criminal acts and give it to them until they bled you dry and was nowhere to be found… And then cry poor me… Wake the fuck up … It is called google…not all those people can be lying and the show only shows what they want you to see… It is called propaganda …why you think those alaskans shot and chased them out far north alaska…cause they knew the truth….they got what they gave all the hundreds possible thousands of people they robbed blind with oh woe is me story….

  8. lol Kenny “Gotta have a gong, y’know?” Kenny makes the show…this episode was the epitome of dramatic-ness! Bam’s all like Dad made only have a day to live

    • Beth where did you get your education from…. I have to ask did you ride the short bus to school????
      “~)

    • A: Food isn’t scarce when you live in at the Icy Strait Lodge with a full bar and restaurant during filming.

      • LOLOLOL! For sure!! Amen again!

        And I am not the same Beth as the other Beth on here that said gotta have a gong, lol, so I will be adding my last initial from now on. No offense, Beth.

    • I agree with Sarah Palin, they are getting fatter!! I’m kinda getting tired of Billy’s whining also! He’s way to soft to live like he claims. The cry baby…

      • And Noah is following in billies footsteps…they are smart….they cry pain and get out of work… Maybe i should try that at my job…lmao …

    • They are fat because noah knows how to pickle critters Sarah… Golly G Wiz… Am I the only one who caught that… What a fucking joke those people are…

    • You can watch other things that pertain to Alaska and it is call google ….Please do not give them the fame they do not deserve… Do not be so gullible and ignorant… Scratching my head at America’s ignorance and stupidity

  9. I thought this was comedy gold. I found it when I was reading a news article on the court case. I just had to share…

    Come and listen to a story about a family named Brown;
    Poor simple folks who could barely own some ground;
    So they loaded up the truck and moved north of Puget Sound;
    Searching for some oil or at least a PFD.
    Every year. Just fill out the paperwork. Easy money.

    Well the judge said now you gotta do some time.
    Can’t let you slide ’cause y’all committed a crime.
    30 days should do the family;
    Now you know what it means to be a without a PFD.

    Y’all come back now. Hear?

    • They loaded up somebody elses two vehicles after they stole their belongings and mooched off the townspeople for years before they moved to Lord knows where but calling Alaska their home… Boot the motha fuckas out Alaska

  10. Ive watched this program for the past year and can’t understand why most of the Brown’s are not locked away in some institution for the mentally disturbed. Especially Bear, and I can understand why the young lady made the decision to go away to school after meeting the family. Especially when Momma Bear asked her if she liked babies. . . . . I would have got the hell out of there to. The only reason I stay with them is because it’s a chance to get away from the usual bad news, political issues and the like. . . . .

    • I have to cover my eyes due to embarrassment when I watch Bear act out in front of people… How bout climbing up my ass and fighting for air bear…dum mo fo

    • Wont be long before the girls end up pregnant from those hormonal brothers….and the reason they are mentally disturbed is because billi and ami are probably close blood relatives and that is why they are running from their family…. Would not put it past the both of them…dum ass cousins who act like hill”billie”
      Now that is fucking hilarious

  11. I recently started watching the show. What I don’t understand is Ami was placed on bedrest for a neck problem so to speak, injury?? Sounds like lack of nutrition/vitamins caused some kind of degenerative problem, but for privacy reasons I get the hash hush attitude. The problem I saw was Billy saying that Ami was suppose to be in bed constantly, well I never heard of that because that will cause more medical problems, like blood clots, pneumonia, atrophy of muscles , etc etc, it was so over dramatized if she is that seriously ill, she should be in hospital, in my opinion very poor taste in display of family means everthing, that was just so wrong

    • Me and my wife would love to know why Noah never helps. Like when he was disecting a bat with opera music going, While his family is risking their lives putting up roof in rain or why everything is an invention when these are things that have been around forever, he just rigs them???

        • Ok Jeani one more time…because noah is the fucking brains of the operation…he watches dad act sickly and gets out of work so noah does the same while the other are retarded like their mom…. Noah will out live them all while they get degenerative disc disease for slaving for the other two dum fucks hillbillie and noah

    • JTC..billie is a pot growing pot smoking motha fucka and it is all for show and probable narcotic addiction…. Discovery should have done a show on the real family criminal issues… Family values me fucking asssssss

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About Ryan Berenz 2166 Articles
Member of the Television Critics Association. Charter member of the Ancient and Mystic Society of No Homers. Squire of the Ancient & Benevolent Order of the Lynx, Lodge 49, Long Beach, Calif. Costco Wholesale Gold Star Member since 2011.