Welcome back to The Royals! I’ve missed our favorite Brits and I’ve especially missed loathing Cyrus. I wonder if actor Jake Maskall, who plays Cy spent his summer dodging spittle from fans of King Simon. This is one of the best TV villains we’ve had in a long time, and I have high hopes that becoming king will only make the depths that Cyrus is willing to sink even greater.
I was surprised that The Royals didn’t receive any Emmy nominations, not for supporting actor (Maskall), not for leading actress (Hurley) and triple shocked that the series didn’t receive a nom for wardrobe. But, the smart readers of Channel Guide Magazine, did vote the show best new series in its annual Viewer’s Voice Awards, so at least the fans got it right. Yay readers!
It’s been less than two months since the shocking murder of King Simon and Britain is in mourning. In addition to a hefty “previously on The Royals,” the Season 2 premiere episode, titled “It Is Not, nor It Cannot Come to Good,” flips back and forth between past events and now (a polo match) to catch us up to date.
Everyone loves to see a stallion, especially a magnificent beast upon his trusty steed. Ride, Liam, Ride! And smack those balls. Drool.
And Eleanor, our bewitchingly bitchy princess is still having her FML’s swapped to POLOLOLO by chic press secretary, Rachel. And when I say “press secretary” I should really say, “Secretary of Spank.” Did you forget Mrs. Tough-as-nails is also a spicy dominatrix?!? Although her costume is a little out of Ever After: A Cinderella Story, I love the way she uses her riding crop. And yes, that is the Prime Minister she’s flogging. Naughty boy.
The former king’s barely in the ground and already Cyrus has put his mug on the money. (Note to E!: Send me some Cyrus bucks! Also, send more of the decks of The Royals playing cards too; I’d love to give those away to fans of the show.) And he’s throwing the cash to Brits who definitely don’t need the cash! They’re mega-rich! It’s like giving Gemma a charity diamond!
Now that Liam and Eleanor have been dubbed “illegitimate heirs” to Britain’s crown and stripped of their titles, they’re more popular than ever. Queen Helena says it’s because the public finds them “sympathetic,” but I call it the Pippa Middleton effect — No crown means no problems, but lots of party power.
A side note: Elizabeth Hurley’s arms are looking extra-awesome. Bravo Liz, please share on your workout — Pilates? Yoga? Weight training? Loads of Sex? Lifting heavy diamonds? Dish!
Cyrus promises to give the twins back their titles if they’ll respect the monarchy, apologies and do a little ring-kissing. Liam is disgusted but Eleanor complies. When Liam hassles her about the kowtowing, she reminds him, “If we want answers, we need access.” So there’s more going on in our party princess’ brain than blowjobs and blow. Well played, Miss!
This season we meet a possible new adversary for Queen Helena (doesn’t the title, Queen Consort sound like there’s something sexual attached to it? And since most of my royal knowledge comes from Downton Abbey; once your spouse dies, don’t you become a “Dowager,” not a “Consort”?). Mr. Crenshaw is a garish media mogul and this peacock-like a-hole has got the royal family (and their sordid intentions) pegged. I adore him already.
Jasper is back. And out of his suit, he’s looking sexier than ever. It must be a pretty lax polo match if someone who was recently fired from the royal security detail can get to the polo grounds. Once Eleanor catches sight of him through her binoculars, she struts across the field with the ferocity of a model on a catwalk. Note to Ralph Lauren: a runway show during a polo match would be ferosh!
Dating advice courtesy of Princess Eleanor: “Jasper, a few words of advice: For whatever foolish girl you stalk next. Mother’s vagina — deal breaker.”
With all of the sexy horsemen (and women!) around, it isn’t long before Eleanor is shagging a Spaniard in the stables. He’s loving his ride, but she finds it mindblowing mindless.
Liam has a little heart to heart with Mr. Holloway, who as we recall, is Cyrus’ alleged alibi. After a little keen persuasion from Liam, he admits that he wasn’t with Cyrus the night Simon was attacked. (Prince Liam is channeling Liam Neeson!)
Mr. Moorefield is back too and he still hates the monarchy, yet he still hangs out at the castle. Queen Helena has him convinced to go after the horny princesses. Best of luck, old chap, Penelope’ll eat you alive.
Now that Maribel and Penelope have gone from “lesser royals” to “royal heirs” how has life changed for my favorite double dimwits? Maribel has undergone a total body transformation and lies in repose under bandages. I’m hoping to see her revealed as a sexy swan. Penelope is as outrageous as ever. If she’s invite me over for vodka tea, I’m sure we’d get along swimmingly. And Penelope is the only royal whose clothes I’d have a tinker’s change of fitting into. I’m sure she’s petite in real life (like all people on TV) but I’ve interviewed Elizabeth Hurley and met Alexandra Park, and they’re itty bitty!! I couldn’t fit a leg into their size-zero frocks, With actress Lydia Rose Bewley’s zany wardrobe, I’m sure I can stuff my sausage-body into something sparkly if it’s stretchy.
Are Jasper and Liam becoming bros? They have a moment of male bonding when they come to the understanding that Eleanor is a mess.
Marcus is gone. Liam reveals that he left as soon as Cyrus became king. Speaking of security, Price is still on the security staff. Cyrus meets with him and reinstates Liam and Eleanor’s security
Eleanor is mid-frolic at a Wolf Alice concert when she realizes how alone she is and what a s@#$storm her life has become. And as usual, Jasper is monitoring her from the crowd.
Maribel also gets a visit from Mr. Moorfield and instead of roses like her sister, Princess “total bandage” gets chocolate. But she doesn’t say a thing, so my theory that the duckling will be revealed as a swan is still on until further notice.
Ted Pryce has a mysterious blonde visitor. An American visitor. She reminds him, “it’s happening again, you know. Your daughter’s in the states, you’re constantly working, you’re drinking again. It’s not your fault.” I think it’s the ghost of his wife. Liam also stops up at Pryce’s loft. Poor guy, can’t he be alone with the ghost of his dead wife without people bothering him? (casting deets: Pryce’s dead wife is played by Stephanie Vogt, who you may remember as Liz the agent from Entourage) Liam tells Pryce that he wants Jasper on his security detail, mmm, I like this dynamic duo!
It’s suppertime for King Cyrus and he dines alone, on the royal feast of roast swan. Isn’t that a dainty dish to set before the king? Gag me, indeed! And after a bite and a retched reaction, the king announces it “ bit tough.” He says, “Is it any wonder that no one eats this thing?” to another tough bird, Dutchie! Joan Collins is back and looking fore fantastic than ever. She’s at the castle to pay off her wager to the king over the Polo match. Turns out it was the Argentine team Liam was playing against … and Eleanor was boning.
Prudence (the sexy — but possibly dangerous — housemaid) is also back and carrying Cyrus’ child. She’s staking a claim to her unborn son’s right as an heir to the British throne. She wants their son to be born in the palace and usurp Cyrus’ idiot daughters. But Cyrus doesn’t care about being popular, and he doesn’t’ want to fall into domestic bliss with a lowly maid. “I’ve got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one,” he snarls. We’ll see about that.
Liam tries to get in contact with Ophelia… again… but her number has been disconnected but no wonder Liam — the number you dialed is a UK number. She’s been in the US for two months, the international roaming charges would be obscene, I’m sure O stepped into her local cell store and picked up a burner. She’s just not that into you Liam, but remember how that Argentinian polo-playing, dessert loving senorita was into you? Plenty of fish, my friend. Plenty of fish.
Jasper swings by Eleanor’s still-trashed bedroom to let her know that he’s been reinstated to palace security and ha been assigned to Liam’s detail. They gaze accusingly. then hornily at each other before Japser leaves. But there’s a knock at the door and Eleanor lustily throws it open to reveal Beck, her long-time lust from last season’s Monaco trip. He tells Eleanor that he’s left his wife.
Cyrus skulks incognito through a shady London street, but Jasper secretly follows the king on his nefarious business.
Queen Helena is enjoying a moment of #TBT as she gazes at a pic of the royal family when the kids were younger (and everyone was alive). A glow from afar catches her attention. The lawn is aflame! But other than a weak grasp at her neckline, the queen is otherwise unmoved. Um Hello, your yard is on fire! Normal grass doesn’t burn like that! And the duchess is so stoically unmoved that you’d swear that her face was a lovely, but unmovable mask.
Dutchie: “War has always been the defining moment for history’s greatest queens.”
Queen Helena: “Do you think they did it?” Nodding towards the Domino symbol smoldering on the lawn.
Duchess: “Of course they did, no doubt about it … We kill one of their, they kill two of ours … The question is, what to we plan to do about it?”
The Royals > E! > Sundays at 10pm ET/PT Beginning Nov. 15
