In the Oct. 20 episode of Scream Queens “Seven Minutes in Hell,” we get … Damn, how can an episode that killed off so many people be so boring? Look, this show isn’t exactly killing it in the ratings, and this week I saw the C-word attached to it for the first time. “Seven Minutes in Hell” isn’t going to turn that around. There’s no new episode on Oct. 28 because of the World Series (FX is going to show an SQ marathon on Halloween night Oct. 31 beginning at 6pm ET/PT), and it’s likely the audience will drop off even more after that.
So maybe it’s not the runaway hit FOX was hoping for, but the young audience and the boost from delayed viewing will probably keep it around. It would just suck for Scream Queens to get murdered by a FOX suit.
So we press on. Here’s the best of “Seven Minutes of Hell”:
1. Farty McCandlewax: “Years before the Psychoanalytic Society of America decided there was money to be made by creating what they called the ‘Autism Spectrum,’ I would’ve been considered a daydreamer or quirky like a young Zooey Deschanel, I am not an idiot or a moron. I am simply a victim of my times.”
2. Uh-oh Spaghetti-Os! “Brother Caulfield, you just chugged four liters of canned pasta in 45 seconds. So if anybody ever tells you that just because you got your arms chopped off by a serial killer, that somehow you’re handicapped, you have them give me a call and I’m going to tell them this story.”
3. I Propose A Panty Raid. All those in favor?
5. You Climb, You Armless Bastard! Alas, poor Caulfield! I knew him, Horatio. The Red Devil really should’ve given Caulfield a pass on this one. Not very sporting to kill the armless dude on a ladder. Seems like low-hanging fruit. Oh, well. The only thing to do is give Caulfield the dignity of watching him die.
6. “Will You Stop Whining About Dodger! Everybody agrees that dude was holding you back! Nobody misses him!”
7. This Should Stop Your Whining. Rodger and Dodger are reunited in the afterlife. Rodger’s time alone with Chanel No. 5 was brief. I really like the Hellraiser tribute. That’s some strong referential game, Red Devil.
8. Tubthumping “Bro, grab my phone. There’s a little playlist I put together called Douche. I want you to call that up on the Bluetooth speakers so we can get our dance on. TRUTH OR DARE!”
9. It’s No Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. “You’re nuts, and not like a typical crazy-ass coed, but wake-up-with-my-penis-in-a-jar lunatic. Now, that puts me in a tough spot, because that also means you’d be the screw of my life. That kind of insanity means your muffin, it’s Space Mountain levels of fun. I love Space Mountain. Best ride at Disneyland. But I love my penis more.”
10. And You Don’t Think To Unmask Him? Zayday and Chanel No. 1 encounter a Red Devil inside the secret KKT house tunnel. It seems this particular Red Devil has no interest in wooing Zayday with Oakland Nachos and he tries to do a little double-axed lumberjacking on her. Chanel No. 1 smashes him over the head with a poorly installed light fixture. So instead of killing him, or at the very least unmasking him, Zayday and Chanel run for it. Leads me to believe that they’re both in on it. Starting to think that each one of them at some point has been in a Red Devil outfit and killed or attempted to kill everyone else.
11. What Else Would You Do With Pink Nunchaku? These might help No. 5 get over the loss of Rodger and Dodger. For protection, you know.