Halloween must go on, and so must the KKT Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch with an exact replica of the hedge maze from The Shining with knee-deep snow and ice sculptures of demonic peeing cherubs that piss vodka and Red Bull! Here’s the Scream Queens recap for the Oct. 13 episode “Pumpkin Patch.”
Let’s review the hazing rituals:
Step 1: Read this.
Step 2: Read this.
Step 3: Watch the Scream Queens episodes or Step 4 will either A) spoil stuff or B) won’t make any damn sense.
Step 4: Read this recap in its entirety.
Step 5: Repeat Step 4 as necessary.
On to “Pumpkin Patch”:
1. At least she’s not giving birth. We get a title sequence that is kinda creepy, kinda campy and parodies horror-film tropes and literally gives a wink and a nod to title sequences from old TV procedurals and sitcoms. Here’s the vastly underestimated Chanel No. 3 ignoring every horror genre precedent concerning bathtubs.
2. Order in the court! Chad Radwell doesn’t appear very much in this episode, but he can drop the mic and walk away after this: “I took a class last semester called American Presidents … or something like that. And they taught us about a man named John Fitzpatrick Kennedy Jr. And that dude wrote a book about the time he served in Vietnam called Profiles in Courage. Is that not what we’re talking about right now? Courage. Halloween is the greatest night of the year. Greatest night! Because on this night, even shy kinda homely girls dress up like total sluts. I mean, every costume is just a slutty version of something. Slutty teacher. Slutty nurse. Slutty nun. I saw a girl last year dressed as slutty al-Qaida. Are we going to deny ourselves the sluttiest night of the whole year out of fear? Will you look at Caulfield? This dude got his arms sawed off! He’s not hiding out! He is down to RAGE! [Caulfield: “Hell yeah I am!”] You see, Halloween, it’s a night for dudes with killer bods to walk around with our shirts off and it’s totally appropriate as long as we call ourselves gladiators, Chippendales. As our great 60th president John Kennedy Jr. said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.’ Well, in this case, serial murderers, too. But we’re not afraid of either of those things. Uh-uh. So canceling Halloween sucks. Well, um … thank you.”
3. The Joy of Insects. Candle Vlogger Jennifer is also big into ants, and she has intricate interconnected ant farms — “families” she calls them — throughout her room. (Death by ants for someone in the near future?) Jennifer is crafting a letter of grievance to Dean Munsch concerning the cancellation of Halloween and its detrimental impact on the candle community. She writes: “Dean [sic] Dean Munsch, As you know, it’s Halloween. As you also know, you have cancelled it. What you might not know is that by doing so you have, as Isoroku Yamamoto – – a man who was a great lover of candles himself – – once said, awakened a sleeping giant. A giant in the form of an enormous candle. This candle, made up of the millions of bright flames that shine from the candle community can either light your way to sanity in this situation, or, if you choose to continue down this path of canceling one of our most precious holidays, may you burn like the flames of a thousand suns.” Chanels 5 and 6 dupe Jennifer into joining their cause to overthrow Chanel No. 1.
4. Chanel No. 1 is arrested on charges of deep-frying the housekeeper, but at least she wore something nice today for all the embarrassing phone pics that were taken of her. No. 1 knows one of her sisters ratted her out, but which one? Maybe the one with the best fake-pity judgmental look.
5. Oh, yeah. Zayday is still missing. Grace is the only one concerned that Zayday is missing. God, Grace is so annoying with her Bloodhound Gang-style afterschool amateur sleuthing. Anyway, we find out that Zayday lives (she’s the Black Die Hard) and she’s currently living in a very deep dungeon-like sub-basement. Also, the Red Devil is a dog person.
6. And she’s a super landlady! Grace & Co. are able to locate Zayday’s smartphone thanks to “Oakland Nachos,” and they’re led to this nice old lady’s place. “I rented my cellar to a dream tenant,” she says. “I rarely see him. They pay the rent on time … in cash! … every month!” Oh, old people. So naive. So trusting. So easily scammed.
7. The Red Devil works at a Brooklyn boutique, apparently. Stupid hipsters. Always with the handmade goods and rediscovering old-timey things. Here they’re cranking out the Red Devil costumes to meet the Halloween demand. Look at the dress forms and you’ll notice they have … boobs!
8. Torture chamber … or dentist’s office? 😂
8. I bet they’d find that kinda hot. Chanel No. 1 gets out of jail and discovers that No. 5 is trying to steal the Jackie Kennedy job. No. 1 threatens No. 5 with “I’ll show Rodger and Dodger video proof that their hot new girlfriend regularly rubs it out while watching Dora the Explorer.” No. 1 apparently has “eyes everywhere” and sees all, except for the identity of the killer(s). No. 5 is forced to light all the jack-o-lanterns at the Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch or risk being called “Boots” for the rest of her life.
9. At least Dodger has his priorities straight. Rodger and Dodger are assisting Chanel No. 5 at the Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch (because they know they’re totally going to get laid for it) when the Red Devil shows up to prune the hedges of many small villages. Dodger sees the Red Devil and proclaims, “It’s the Red Devil! Let’s bash his car!” His killjoy of a brother talks him out of it and says that they have to protect Chanel No. 5 first.
10. Dodger should have stuck to his convictions. Or Rodger? Jeez. I still can’t keep them straight. Whatever. One of them is dead now.
12. Voilà! Oakland Nachos are served! What wine pairs well with Doritos and chocolate sauce? So this Red Devil has a thing for Zayday. Must be their mutual appreciation of chainsaws.
13. Gigi’s in on it. It’s the second week in a row that we get a big reveal involving Gigi. We know she’s the Hag of Shady Lane, but now we know that she’s in on the Red Devil killings and appears to be at least partly in charge. “That got way out of hand. He’s got to go,” she tells a Red Devil. “You understand me? Good. Take care of it.” So are we in for a little Red Devil on Red Devil violence next week?