Scream Queens recap: 11 ScreamCaps from “Chainsaw”

🔪Read all of the Scream Queens ScreamCaps here, yo!😈

So the two-hour series premiere of FOX’s Scream Queens was not a gangbusters ratings hit, but it gained a lot of delayed viewers. Here’s the ScreamCap of the Sept. 29 episode “Chainsaw.”

Let’s review the hazing rituals:
Step 1: Read this.
Step 2: Read this.
Step 3: Watch the Scream Queens episodes or Step 4 will either A) spoil stuff or B) won’t make any damn sense.
Step 4: Read this recap in its entirety.
Step 5: Repeat Step 4 as necessary.

🎃 RELATED: DOWNLOAD CHANNEL GUIDE’S 2015 FRIGHT GUIDE! 🎃

On to “Chainsaw.”

Scream Queens Chainsaw
1. Chanel No. 5 was bored, so she felt like hanging out in the freezer with Chanel No. 2’s body, which is no longer in the freezer. She’s had an epiphany from a devil’s three-way and stands up to No. 1. “I’m sort of over this whole serial murder thing that’s going on right now. Last night, I had an amazing threesome with Rodger and Dodger, and I realized that I’d rather focus my attention this semester on getting spit-roasted by hot golf-frat twins than help you figure out who’s murdering a bunch of dumb gashes. … I got Eiffel Towered by hot morons who are brothers, and now I’m out.”

Scream Queens Chainsaw
2. Chad Radwell is not the settling-down type. “All I ask is that maybe you have sex with a smaller number of people,” Chanel No. 1 tells him. I know you all can’t be psych majors, but asking this of him is PSYCHOPATHIC!

Scream Queens Chainsaw
3. Don’t Tase him, bro! Dean Munsch attempts to quell the panic on campus with the announcement that Boone’s death has been ruled a suicide and the students can rest easy. “We must therefore resist the temptation to, for example, Tase freshman history major Eugene Melman in the genitals,” she proclaims. “Find that tortured gay kid in your life and hold them close tonight.”

Scream Queens Chainsaw
4. You can’t lick Coney! With the Red Devil mascot no longer appropriate, Dean Munsch announces that Coney, a mascot stolen from a local ice cream parlor, will assume those duties effective immediately.

Scream Queens Chainsaw
5. It’s good to be the Coney! “Aaron Cohen can’t get a date, but Coney gets more trim than a barber shop,” says Cohen, who endures the hot, cumbersome, pubic-lice infested Coney costume for the perks of fondling perky boobs, patting exquisite asses and misappropriating cafeteria revenues.
Scream Queens Chainsaw

Scream Queens
6. Chad Radwell is grateful for the porkin’, and he expresses his heartfelt appreciation to Chanel No. 2 in a letter he wrote to her while staying at her family’s Bel Air home over Thanksgiving. “I love that your dad’s so rich and I love porkin’ you so much,” he writes. “I hope we can keep on porkin’ forever. You’re so freakin’ hot and I love the amazing faces you make when I’m really taking you there. I’m thankful for you, Chanel No. 2. Love, Chad Radwell.” I do hope the good people at Hallmark are listening.

Scream Queens Chainsaw
7. Introducing Chanel No. 6. All it took were some pliers and Chanel No. 1’s old wardrobe to transform Neckbrace into Chanel No. 6, who courageously overcame atrophied muscles and severe vertebral agony to look somewhat better. “What do you want me to do? Two Chanels are dead. I need Chanels and I’m running out of minions,” Chanel No. 1 responds to protests about the introduction of No. 6.

Scream Queens
8. Coney, we hardly knew ye. Aspiring young professional mascot Aaron “Coney” Cohen’s life was tragically cut (Ha!) short by the Red Devil, the university’s disgruntled former mascot.

Scream Queens Chainsaw
9. There’s a code in the ghetto. Believe Chad Radwell on this one. He knows. Suspecting that Boone was murdered and did not actually pull off a throat-slashing suicide, he fires up the Dickie Dollar Scholars to avenge their fallen bro. “I say we get ’roided up, find a bunch of baseball bats, roam around the streets yelling the Red Devil’s name until he comes out and fights us!”

Scream Queens Chainsaw
10. Backstreet’s back, alright! The bros enforce the ghetto code, and hey, it works! It works too well because there are two chainsaw-weilding Red Devils (I am not convinced that one of them is Boone). The bros are armed with comically ineffective wooden bats, and Caulfield gets a flesh wound.
Scream Queens Chainsaw

Scream Queens Chainsaw
11. My grandmamma sent me that chainsaw. Zayday sleeps with a chainsaw under her bed. It was a gift from her grandmother. You know, we should discuss just how impractical chainsaws are as weapons. They’re unwieldy. They’re loud. They require gasoline. They might not start with the first pull. You have to lubricate the blades and sharpen them, and you have to adjust the tension bar after a few cuts. I understand that they’re scary and make all kinds of cool blood splatters. I realize that showmanship counts. But if the Red Devil were really on his game and did his research, he’d have found this cordless electric pole chainsaw pruner to be quieter, safer, more energy efficient and just as effective with the added benefit of extended reach. Just sayin’.
Scream Queens Chainsaw

BONUS!
I love the courses on this college transcript.
Scream Queens Chainsaw

2 Comments

  1. The entire transcript a second before is even better: Intro to English: Holding a Pen. History: It was Probably the White Folks. I almost laughed out loud instead of inside.

Comments are closed.

About Ryan Berenz 2166 Articles
Member of the Television Critics Association. Charter member of the Ancient and Mystic Society of No Homers. Squire of the Ancient & Benevolent Order of the Lynx, Lodge 49, Long Beach, Calif. Costco Wholesale Gold Star Member since 2011.