Mama’s home, boys and girls! And since I was away for so long, I want everyone to hit up the comments section and tell me the best thing and the worst thing about the two episodes I missed. Also, veteran readers, how about that John R. Kasich, Governor, running for president?! At least WE know who the guy is, anyway.
Looks like we got us an intact ALDC LA while I was away, too. Jill’s so happy about it that she decides to do a cartwheel in a skirt, which allows the first screen capture of my return to feature a blurred spot. Thank you so much, Mrs. Vertes.
Melissa responds with a little spazz of her own that apparently also included a cartwheel which did not make it on camera. Probably because her underpants didn’t either.
The girls get some celebratory construction hats to slap on their heads and then Abby says she’s timed the grand opening of the studio to right after Nationals and right before the girls head back to Pittsburgh, so the girls can hang out at the big event and sign autographs and stuff.
Jill doesn’t feel so cartwheelsy anymore. She thinks Abby’s focus should be on Nationals. And Nationals alone. And giving Kendall a solo at Nationals.
Pyramid — and it looks like I missed a group win. Yay, group win! Even though Abby says no one has really improved. She blames the bright lights of Hollywood. I agree — except I’m not talking about the girls.
Kalani is bottom of the bottom. Then JoJo. She forgot her dance and, thusly, lost to Kendall. No Nationals solo for her. Nia rounds out the row. Holly says she’ll never be given a solo at Nationals so whatever.
Row two begins with Kendall. Then a stunned looking Maddie. Abby says even though her favorite was supposed to be the lead in the group dance, sister-of-lead was all people talked about. Was she? Was she all you talked about?
This week, we’re roadtrippin’ to Spokane to attend another Sheer Talent thing. Solos go to Kendall, Maddie and Mack. Kendall has to beat the unbeatable in order to dance a solo at Nationals (let’s just start the Nationals drinking game now, shall we?).
Kendall’s solo is inspired by Little Red Riding Hood and because I remain 3,000 percent certain that Abby is enjoying the hell out of jerking the producers around, it’s called “Blowing Red.” Insert your own joke here. I can hardly wait to see what the choreography involves.
Maddie’s is called Into the Woods and it’s “a little darker,” according to Abby. Melissa, who is beginning to worry me more than usual, looooooooves it!
Mack’s is called “Batsh*t Crazy.” I am not making that up. I AM, however, now 3,000 and eleven percent certain that Abby is enjoying the hell out of jerking the producers around. We do the requisite squealing over the no-no word and then Abby says Mack will be playing … a bat.
Everyone is in the group dance and in keeping with the Inappropriate Week theme, it’s called “Always A Bridesmaid,” inspired by the movie
Batsh*t Crazy Bridesmaids. Which makes JoJo do the pee-pee dance.
Let Abby and Gianna demonstrate what walking down the aisle looks like.
Then Gianna flat-tires Abby. Abby decks Gianna. Pretty much exactly as I would expect Abby’s wedding to go.
Speaking of weddings, Kira doesn’t believe in them, but she is five months pregnant so yay! Abby beams and wants to plan the shower — but only if they’re getting married, too. Melissa says it’s 2015 so whatevs with the shotgun shower idea. Holly says maybe that’s why Kira’s been acting a little cray-cray. Kira says she’s just glad everyone knows why she’s getting fat.
Minion Minden calling! Holly and Nia step outside to hear the exciting news that they will be shooting another video next week. And they get a tag-along. A nosy, cranky one.
Melissa says it could be worse. Holly says no one supports her. And also Abby knows durn well who is going to get solos, so all this pretending they’re still up for grabs is silly. Then we give Melissa crap for not supporting Mack’s chances at Nationals (drink!) as much as Maddie’s.
Let’s have an example.
Mackenzie whimpers to Melissa that the solo is too hard and Melissa gives her the old “Oh for f**k’s sake!” pep talk and tells her to get over it. Abby throws in an “only babies cry,” to which Kenzie offers the most sensible thing anyone has said all day.
The poor kid says the pressure to win is too much for her, but no one really cares.
Speaking of babies, next we ask Kira if she’s gotten all nesty yet and before she can answer, Melissa gets manic about her own need to have the nursery set and the clothes hung mere moments into her pregnancies.
And the crib just so.
Here’s how the wedding dance will shake out:
Mack is the whip-cracking, rule-following maid of honor.
Kalani’s just there for the party.
JoJo is the attention-seeker.
Maddie’s too good for this thing.
Nia is, and I quote, “the old hag,” who has been in too damn many weddings.
And Kendall just thinks everything’s pretty.
Abby says character is everything.
The mothers are happy. Except Jill. She says Musical Theater doesn’t win. Holly kind of agrees.
Because Kendall is terrible with props, we give her a prop — this time a long, floaty scarf that she has to toss around. Jill doesn’t like that either. Understandable.
Maddie will be a tree that has come to life. Abby says the routine’s a winner. Baby Groot says so, too.
Jill says even if Kendall wins, the only way Maddie won’t have a solo is if she’s off hobnobbing with celebrities on some better offer.
Meanwhile Holly invites JoJo to be part of Nia’s new video. Melissa and Jill ignore her.
And then we’re in Spokane … except for Jill’s pants, which apparently stayed home.
Not as funny — Kira’s not here, either. On her way to the hospital with pregnancy troubles. Melissa gives her a call and she sounds chipper enough, so maybe everyone would like to hear Nia’s new song. Maybe not. Let’s get ready.
Mrs. No-Pants says the costumes and the choreography clearly indicate whom Abby would like to win the solo shootout. Then she helps Kendall not be nervous by telling her not to be nervous which makes her totally nervous.
Mack is back to having to wear animal ears when she dances. And they start her music way too early. Or maybe not. Oops, editors. Oops.
Either way, she kills it.
Maybe I’m just overly refreshed and optimistic from two weeks off, but unless my eyes deceive me, Abby actually gave Maddie some new, more sophisticated choreography instead of the usual stuff. The dance is lovely and moody and complex …and she even gets to stay sitting up at the end of it. The crowd goes nuts. Kendall goes pale. Paler.
For a minute, I think I heard wrong and Kendall’s solo is actually called “Glowing Red,” which would be nice, but no such luck. “Blowing Red” it is. And her fate is sealed in the first 30 seconds of the dance. The crimson scarf goes fluttering to the stage instead of back into Kendall’s hand.
Jill looks like nothing could have surprised her less, and to be honest, I look like that, too. And I could not feel worse for the kid.
That is, until she recovers perfectly, dances beautifully and even earns a cheer from Abby. Still, nothing infuriates me worse than Abby’s willingness to waste this kid’s natural grace and talent and her gorgeous, emotional face on solos that are beneath her talent or designed to spotlight her weaknesses.
Backstage, Jill rants wearily because that is Jill’s job this season. Abby makes Kendall feel worse. Then Kira shows up and saves the mood. All is well with her and Kalani’s sibling-to-be.
Holly reiterates that musical theater is almost a guaranteed loser. Speaking of which, Abby says the announcer is the worst one she’s ever heard her in her life.
The bridemaids are freakin’ adorable though. There are a few spacing and timing issues, but there is no denying the entertainment value.
Time for awards and a look at the worst announcer ever, who is an interesting specimen in a Lawrence Welkian sort of not-so-wunnerful way.
Mack takes her division.
Kendall gets second place.
Maddie takes the division.
Group wins, too.
No surprises there.
Let’s have a baby shower!
Who’s super-proud of her dorky present?!
Then we get in a splendid fight about when we are allowed to leave L.A., whether Melissa is or is not staying till the 5th or winging to Hawaii on the 3rd or a big fat liar either way or what. We don’t settle anything, but it does get Abby to leave the room, so I call it a win.
Next week on Dance Moms, props continue to not work out, and Erin Babbs and the Murrieta Minions are back once again.
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Did I miss anything good? Did you do an inappropriate cartwheel at the sight of Abby’s new studio? Are you excited for Nia’s new video? Was Kendall set up to fail? Does Abby already know who is competing at Nationals? Did you drink every time someone said “Nationals?” How many fingers am I holding up? Are you buying ALDC onesies for all your gift-giving occasions hereto forth? Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesdays at 9/8CT on Lifetime.