Welcome back to Discord Central, Dance Moms nation. Everyone recovered from all of the drama (bra-ma?) that went down at the end of last week’s episode? Good. Because this bad boy is nothing short of a snooze.
We start out with a little confab among the girls in which they discuss whether Kalani is really gone for good and what is going on with Abby and the shout-fest that was last week’s competition.
Meanwhile, the Moms are in the Mom Closet talking about pretty much the same stuff.
Bad feelings. Bad feelings abound.
Let’s see if Gia has something reassuring to say. Well, she is stretching the girls right now, because apparently the Ross was out of yoga balls. And we’ll be going to Sheer Talent in Westminster, where it is solo week. Everyone gets one. Ohhhhhhhhh!
Turns out the solos are to determine who does one at Nationals and even though Abby is not here in the flesh, Gia is certain that she will still see them. Somewhere. Nheh.
In the Mom Closet, Holly and Jess say the girls all deserve equal practice time and equal choreography if this is about Nationals. Well, maybe except for JoJo who just revealed to Gia that she is the opening act for KidzBop at whatever downtown Disney is. Jess says they are equally important … but they’re doing Disney.
Gia says she’s going to start with the Golden Child who got third place last week. The solo is actually called “Golden Girl,” The moms are magnanimous about it — Maddie does have a lot put on her, after all. Being Abby’s favorite isn’t easy.
Kendall’s solo is called “Welcome to My Life” and it’s about what happens in Kendall’s life on a daily basis in the wonderful world of Abby. And hey Kendall, you lost to Maddie AND Nia last week. You always lost to Maddie. But not Nia. And you lost to Nia. And Abby’s not even here. Jill says poor Kendall never knows what she’s going to get. But hey, she’s No. 1 in Ireland, so woot!
While we’re on the subject of music, Holly says Mikey Minion Minden wants Nia to collaborate with Coco Jones on a rap tune. She never really thought of Nia as a rap artist, but Coco is a Disney star, so she’s open to it.
Jess says she doesn’t want Abby anywhere near anything JoJo does outside of dancing for the ALDC. Jill says she won’t badmouth the woman who put her kid on the pop charts. Jess says putting your kid in Abby’s hands might work on the short-term. But long-term? Probably not.
Holly/Nia field trip!
We Skype Coco in and play the beat and both ladies decide they want the song to be about what every girl wants to do. Which is slay. Not the kind that will get you imprisoned. The kind that will help you take a good selfie. The stuff I miss not having kids in the house anymore!
Oh. Well look who’s here.
That was a short-lived walkout. Maybe they heard Abby isn’t here. Kira says Kalani really wants to finish the season, but one more pop off from Abby and that’s it. Jill thinks she should call Abby and tell her she’s back. Yeah, no, says Kira. OK, then Jill will do it. Except that Abby’s not taking calls from anybody right now.
Jill says that makes her lose respect for Abby. Call her and tell her that, Jill. Ok, then I will. Except that she’s not taking anybody’s calls.
Well … what shall we do now? I know! Let’s pick on Holly and Nia for taking an opportunity during the week that Kendall’s single drop. It makes sense to Melissa anyway.
Time to rehearse Mack’s solo. Nia says she has to stop dancing little because she’s little and dancing like a “Superstar.” I mean after all, she did beat the Golden Girl. Nheh.
Problem is Mack keeps running out of breath while she’s dancing.
Meanwhile, Kira tells the other mothers that on the way home, Kalani said something really funny. Which is that instead of learning how to act like an adult from her dance teacher, she’s learning how not to act. AHAHAHAHAHA!
Kalani’s solo is called “Reign” and it’s pretty and regal and Kalani knows that it takes to rule, so that’s why.
Nia’s solo is called “House of Voodoo” because we’re never going to let Nia forget how evil she and her mother are. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
What would someone say could liven up this thing up.
THEY’D SAY LAQUIFA!
AND WE’D SAY WHAT?!
We haven’t seen Laquifa, who is actually Shangela, who is actually D.J. Pierce, since Season 1 when little teeny Nia learned her signature death drop from her.
Jill is not the least bit happy to see her now. It’s Kendall Week. Tough noogies if Nia needs some pointers on rap. Take this nonsense elsewhere.
But first, let us dance!
You try it, Jill.
Shangela — Laquifa if she’s rappin’ — says Nia needs a rap persona, too. Well, says Nia, her mom used to call her Chica Mica.
Good enough. Chica Mica she is. And her eyebrows are on fleek-a, which is apparently how the little slayers are saying “perfect” these days. Nia and Laquifa enjoy a little throwdown. I think I am going to enjoy hearing Nia rap.
With one day to competition, no one has still heard from Abby, although I’m not entirely convinced by Gia’s halfhearted headshake.
Let’s do the solos for the Moms and talk about why they are so important, because, gosh, that’s news.
Good God, this is a dull episode (and yes, I CAN hear Jeff Collins snickering and going, “Well, you guys said you wanted more dancing and more kids, so mleeeahhhh.) Let’s bring back Shangela. Or we could let Jill bitch some more. This time about how Kendall’s solo isn’t on par with the other girls’ and that Abby hasn’t even bothered to check in with anyone about how the girls are doing.
Unless she has.
Don’t look at me, man. And let’s not talk about it in front of the children. Melissaaaaaa! Come oooooon! OK, well maybe Melissa’s friends went out with Abby last night and maybe Melissa happened to hear that she’s fine. Gisoni out.
Come competition day, there’s a smart ass in the cheering throngs …
… and Nia’s costume is going to give me nightmares.
Speaking of which, Gia tells the girls that even though Abby’s not here, she’s watching them. She’s always watching Muahahahahaha!
Kalani first. She’s dressed like a Disney princess who forgot most of her skirt and her dance is silky and pretty and Maddie should probably be happy they are not in the same age group.
Mack goes next. Melissa hopes she shows enough emotion. She’s mostly smiley, but chock full of spunk, so that should be good enough.
Or … not.
Plus, Jill points out that she came down funny and stubbed her toe. Mack says the same thing Maddie backstage. Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Ziegler first says, “No you didn’t. It was good.” And then, when Mack repeats that she fell:
Kendall’s next. Jill reminds us that everyone and everything, including this solo, has been crapping all over Kendall Week. Welcome to your life, Kendall. But hopefully you can rise above it.
There was nothing wrong with that solo. Nothing at all.
Backstage, there’s a hearty round of good-jobs and Gia says Mack worried to her about the stubbed toe. Yeah, Jill saw that.
The girls are excused and the mothers take Melissa to task for what she just said, which was a bunch of crap. OK fine, Melissa is sorry she said that but it’s because people were talking mean about her in front of her kids the other day. OK well, Jess called her a liar, anyway. Kira points out that she called herself a liar. Ok, everyone just shut up.
Holly just loves Nia’s costume, which makes one of us, but the dance is entirely fabulous and Nia owns it.
Maddie looks like a mini Bond girl and her dance is 100% Grade A Maddie Dance. Pass the trophy.
Mack gets first in the Junior Solo.
Kendall gets third in the Pre-Teen Solo.
Maddie wins because of course she does.
Nia gets second in Teen Solo.
What we have clearly learned here is that everyone does much better when Abby goes away and lets Gia handle things. But let’s call her anyway. From Maddie’s phone. Because she always answers for Maddie. She’s sounds sedated when she answers. But she answers.
Kendall says that when Mack was first on the iTunes chart, she got a cake and balloons. Abby didn’t even show up for Kendall, never mind the treats and inflatables. We all know how Jill treats balloons anyway.
Can Holly just say how much she loved Nia’s dance?!
No. No she cannot. It makes Jill very mad. Everything makes Jill very mad right now.
Wrong. We should all be celebrating Kendall because it’s Kendall Week. Not just Abby and Jill. Well, I agree with you to an extent, Mrs. Vertes, but ya coulda bought a damned cake yourself. You’re the one who proudly toes the Abby line, so don’t blame the other ladies when you stub it on that sucker.
Next week on Dance Moms, Abby’s back and woe be upon Kalani for it.
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? If we finally got an episode that was lots of kids and dancing, couldn’t we have kept it about kids and dancing? Was Jill right in that Kendall’s iTunes success got shortchanged? Did Holly have every right to celebrate Nia’s new horizons? Is Melissa the worst liar this side of a busload of three-year-olds? Was it weird to see Laquifa again? Sound off in the comments section below.
And one last thing — I’m headed west to cover Comic-Con and then Hubby Rik and I are headed off into the sunset to celebrate ten years of marriage with ten days of badly-needed vacation, so I will not be recapping the next two episodes. Feel free to tweet me what I’m missing — @ChannelGuideLLA. And when I get back, I’ll make the next one extra-special, promise.
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesdays at 9/8CT on Lifetime.