Welcome back, big bunch of losers that we are, Dance Moms nation.
But at least we get a peek at the brand new studio — or the mass of cement and beams that passes for the new studio. But Abby says it will be our fully completed home in just three short weeks. Uh huh. Will too.
Let’s get down to business. Which is, for the most part, that we’re a big bunch of losers and it’s probably going to cost Abby business.
OK, Mack is not a total loser. She’s on set filming the Nick series Nicky, Ricky, Dicky & Dawn. Which is actually a thing. So the last first-place winner we have isn’t here. Leaving a bunch of total losers.
Jill — who is super amping up the hair in her asides lately — says that’s because we’ve been all helter-skelter with our training. No teachers. No classes. So the technique is suffering.
Ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett Vertes.
Abby takes the criticism well. OK, no she doesn’t. She says if they’re going to be all like that then Mommy is going to take away their auditions and their meetings and their performances. Nothing but school. Mleah.
Holly says it’s about balance. Abby says it’s a joke.
Let’s do pyramid.
Kendall is bottom of the bottom. Then JoJo. Then (Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and) Macky. No reason for her placement there, but Abby does use the opportunity to rub it in Maddie’s face that Mack is filming a TV show and she’s standing here in the skeleton of a dance studio.
Maddie is proud of her sister and nothing Abby says is going to make her say otherwise. Good girl, Mads.
Row two is Nia and Kalani. They were fine. Whatever.
Maddie is at the top of the pyramid. She was very mature in stealing the lead in the group dance from her sister. It makes sense to Abby.
This weekend we are going Believe Talent Competition, which is the one where they critique you right onstage.
First solo goes to Kendall, who looks — and rightly so — like it’s more punishment than honor. Nia gets one called “Can I Do This?” because of course she does. Last solo goes to Maddie. It’s called “Loose Cannon.” Abby’s reason for that makes zero sense, so I am making up a new one: It’s an homage to Abby Lee Miller. There. Much better.
Group dance will be a ’50s musical theater piece called Dance Bop. Melissa loves it. Abby says it’s about history. And getting to do this.
Back to 3rd Street we go, where we talk about Abby’s lack of dance training for the girls since we came to L.A. Kira says Kalani doesn’t want to act or sing — she wants to dance. Period. And while all the other dancers in the nation are taking classes and getting better, well, Kalani’s out there boppin’ ’50s style.
Since she’s showing such passion about it, Holly and Jess think Kira should take over the training part of our show out there in L.A. and Kira believes she just might take the ladies up on that. And she knows to whom she’ll make that first call. That would be Tessandra Chavez, who worked with Kalani and JoJo on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.
Look how cute.
So cute! They grow up so fast.
Tessandra is a big deal here in L.A. and has worked on all the competition series. Maybe she could just, you know, drop by and maybe accidentally teach a class or five while she’s at it. Tessandra says sure — she’ll have the girls back in shape in no time.
Shhhh. Here comes Abby. And she’s leaving. She has carpet to buy, which will certainly help us win the competition this weekend. Well, then, the hell with it. If Mom is leaving anyway, let’s not tell her we’re throwing a dance party and we invited Tessandra.
Carpet shopping must not have gone to plan, because Abby comes back crabby. Or maybe the barbs about her dropping the ball on training still sting, because she wants to know why we’re not sitting on yoga balls every morning. Especially when they sell them right across the damn street at Ross.
That does it for Melissa who rants passionately about how great the kids are and how Abby doesn’t realize it. Jill tells her she’s preaching to the choir and needs to go give the lecture to the high priestess of mean.
Oh hell no, says Melissa. Abby will tell her she is dumb and stupid and a bad mother.
Soooooo … it’s OK that she hands the girls their butts, but you draw the line at you. Great.
What’s this?! Maddie’s dance really is about Abby?! Abby tells Maddie to dance like someone who “loses it every day” and uses herself as an example.
Well I’ll be durned. Sometimes the universe just handles itself.
Maddie can’t do a thing to please the Loose Cannon during her solo practice.
Nia either. Kendall either.
Only one doesn’t let it bother her. Up high, Nia. Woot!
The moms decide to bang the training drum harder. In fact, let’s go talk to Abby about it. Abby says they can break their contracts and go take training classes in hell. Her words. Not mine. Also, they already are, toots. They already are.
Holly’s not scared of you, tantruming 5-year-old. Jill either. Abby says then fine, they’ll do class right now. Stretching. And Kendall is a failure. Jill tells her to stop picking on Kendall; it’s not her fault they haven’t had stretching classes in months. Abby says Kendall is smart enough to stretch on her own. Jill says she shouldn’t have to. Caught in the middle of the women’s screaming match, Kendall flushes pink and begs them tearfully to stop.
Speaking of classes. Anger Management, Abby. It will do wonders. Maybe they’ll throw in one on How to Handle Conflict Like A Grown-up, too. And afterward, we’ll all go out for a nice cold pitcher of Pick On Someone Your Own Size. Mmmmmm!
The mothers bail.
Next day, Abby has a surprise for the moms. The girls are going to do the group dance for them right here in the studio. And the moms have a surprise for Abby too.
Not surprisingly, Abby doesn’t like surprises. Especially not of this nature.
Tessandra doesn’t care. She strides right up to the woman pretending not to know her even though they worked together and tells her that’s she’s here to teach some classes at the mothers’ behest — but only if Abby says it’s OK. Because she’s all old school like that.
Is it OK?
It’s not OK.
Holly says Abby’s behavior is beyond embarrassing.
Let’s speak low and slow and see if that soothes the loose cannon. It does. Briefly. Abby tells Tessandra that Kira is overzealous — which is a bigger word than Kira knows — and Tessandra quits while she’s ahead.
Jess says that once the L.A. dance community gets wind of this, Abby will have trouble getting teachers for her studio. Kira reminds Abby of Tessandra’s credentials. Abby turns to the current teacher Gianna, smirks and tells her she’s
Turns out, Gianna isn’t entirely unflappable. She pulls the plug on practice. Talking amongst themselves, the girls say it was kinda rude for another teacher to come in and want to teach them right in front of their teacher. Everyone agrees this day was a
Competition day. Let’s take the bus to Fresno.
In the get-ready, Holly whips out the word abysmal to describe Abby’s behavior and Melissa frets that Abby thinks they’re not on her side. Here’s a little word — duh. Abby says Tessandra should never have gotten out of the car.
Mack’s back from Nicky, Dicky, Huey, Dewey and Louie and she gets to be in the group dance, I’m guessing because we spent most of our time yelling at each other and didn’t really practice the thing anyway. What can it hurt?
Here’s Abby. Let’s remind Maddie that Mack beat her, for about the 100 millionth time and throw in the fact that Nia’s and Kendall’s solos are amazing. Feeling good? No? Good. That’s the way we like it around here.
Nia’s solo goes first. Kalani tells her to “slay.”
Now I love me a Nia solo that’s moody and bluesy as much as the next girl — or, say, Abby since it’s the only kind Nia ever gets — but after seeing Nia grow up and throw down in her video, what’s the harm in letting the girl funk it up a little? It’s clearly her forte. I say we try it next time.
The nice blond lady judge with fancy hair tells Nia to stay in her ballet and technique classes — oof! — but says she danced like a mature performer instead of a student. Nia beams. The girl has come into her own.
Kendall’s solo is surprisingly high on spunk and surprisingly low on jazz, which freaks me out — and she performs the bejesus out of it.
Nice Lady calls Kendall a hypnotic beauty and says she was in the zone and awesome. I’m virtually certain it’s because she walked to the Ross and got a yoga ball to sit on. I’m sure of it. Or maybe it’s just because the kid has style.
The loose cannon — and sweet Jesus, if that’s not Abby’s theme song, I do not know what is — does her usual Maddie thing and Nice Lady tells her to work on her technique and keep on keepin’ on. Competitive world out there, you know.
The mothers come back to the get-ready full to burstin’ with the we-told-you-so’s about classes. Jill decides to see if Abby agrees that they told her so. Yeah, not so much. Then Holly chimes in. Then Nia chimes in. Then Jess. Then Kira! Mutiny!
Abby does not like mommies playing dancing school. Er, Abs, I think the point is actually that the mommies don’t like Abby playing dancing school when she doesn’t have one going on at the moment. But you were close.
Kira says she’s been in charge of Kalani’s training for 14 years and that’s why she’s the dancer she is.
Jill tells the girls to go hug Abby’s troubles away. When Kalani, Nia and JoJo try to take their turns, Abby tells them to get away from her. Kira’s had enough. She tells Abby that those girls have supported her as much as the other three and when Gianna and Abby smirk and stand up to leave, Kira explodes. Abby will not treat her daughter like someone secondary after all this time.
“Your kid would rather be here with any other mother than you,” Abby bellows.
Kira orders Kalani to come with her. Abby says she wants Kalani with her — not with someone who sleeps with a guy she’s not even married to. Well, I guess we know Abby’s not gettin’ any, if that’s what makes her the better choice. Maybe that’s why she’s so cranky.
Kira doesn’t want any comfort from any of the other mothers either. I would like some comfort from someone, because Abby just decided it’s a fine idea to go before the cameras in her bra.
Take THAT, Jeff Collins. Love, Abby.
Also, Abby has not done this crap for four-and-a-half years to be treated like this, so peace out bitchaz!
I hear ya, sister.
Wait, that’s not the end of the episode? How come? Abby peace-outed us. We’ve been out-peaced. Oh. We didn’t actually do the group dance yet. Kalani decides to stay and perform and Kira lets her.
The dance is cute as button, but again with the spacing issues. And the whole thing just kind of seems beneath their skill level.
Still, Nice Lady says she felt like she was watching a professional show.
Kendall gets fifth. Whoa.
Nia gets fourth. Whoa, again.
Maddie gets third. Maddie Ziegler gets third. I believe I’m getting the vapors.
Melissa says Maddie has never gotten third. We’ll vapor together, Melissa.
Group gets third, too.
Holly wonders what the heck they’re even doing in L.A. No studio, no new opportunities, no classes and they’re getting their butts handed to them on a weekly basis. Not that the woman in charge seems to care.
Back in the get ready, morale is low all the way around. Maddie says she’s afraid of what Abby will say. First Mack beats her. Now she got third.
Kendall shrugs and says she hasn’t won in months, so big whoop.
“Yeah but I’m Maddie Ziegler and I’m a perfectionist and I like to win, so that’s just me,” Maddie responds. It’s hard to tell if there’s any irony in there or if it’s just 100% Grade A preteen insolence.
Kira says she doesn’t know whether she and Kalani will return for more of Abby’s mistreatment, which leads the girls to huddle up in a group of tearful misery. And this time, no one is turned away.
Next week on Dance Moms, Abby is gone and Kalani is gone and Jill thinks she might be gone, too, and Melissa cannot deal with any of it.
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Another thoroughly depressing episode on the books? Do you agree about the class situation? Was Kira out of line inviting Tessandra onto Abby’s turf? What did you think of Abby’s reaction? What did you think of Gianna’s reaction? What did you think of the solos? And that group dance? And Abby’s bra? And her pot shot at Kira? Was Kira right to blow her stack? So much to talk about in the comments section below.
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