UnREAL recap “Wife”: What happens in Napa …

unreal-lifetime-chet-adam Lori Acken

In an episode that belongs — Be. Longs. People — to Constance Zimmer, we find out just exactly how much Chet has taken from Quinn, just how far Adam will go for his financial independence and, quite possibly, just how little Rachel has learned from her on-set dalliance with Jeremy.

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But first, let’s finally let our intrepid host, Graham, get in on the Everlasting action — literally (and likely not for the first time). We open the episode with him practicing his dramatic “final ten contestants” monologue to an audience of one — a recently booted contestant hoping he’s her ticket back in. He’s not. But he can get her a ride to the airport, so take the win, lady. And the escape.

Meanwhile, the ten lucky finalists — well, some of them — are getting invites shoved under their door for a romantic trip to Adam’s vineyard in Napa. Pepper and Athena will be staying behind. And there’s another small problem: the place is overgrown, crumbling and condemned. See, Adam was hoping the show might foot the bill for a little sprucing up here and there before potential investors arrive for a look-see. Thus, the demand for this particular date in his contract.

As Rachel scrambles to figure out how she’s going to make this work on a moment’s notice and on budget to boot, Jeremy — who has indeed landed Karl’s job — notices that she’s cleaned up and made up and looking awfully cozy with Adam. Now that he’s the boss, he says he and the guys will get the vineyard job done right. The guys, not including Adam, thank you very much.

Meanwhile, Chet is trying his best to get back on Quinn’s good side. OK, not so much trying his best but hoping that she’ll just get over it already.

“I know you’re still pissed about what happened at the hospital,” he tells her.

“I’m not,” she declares, her eyes locked on a Chet and a cheerful blue Buddha calling a touch down to the right of her for contrast. “I’m just done. This is getting old. We’re getting old. We have the show, so let’s leave at that from now on.

Crazy talk, says Chet. They’re special together.
It gets him nowhere. He tries a tough-guy tack.

“I bought you a house,” he says, as sternly as Chet can say something. “You can’t do this. I made you.”

Anyone who is surprised that Quinn could teach a master class in the art of the death stare, raise your hand. No one? Good. Let’s move along.

“You better get your rundown, good-for-nothing, user ass out of my office right now or I won’t just be done with you. I will be done here,” Quinn bristles at her former love. “Then maybe you’ll remember who made who.”

Chet skedaddles.

Moments later, the frantic executive producer hits Jay up for some weed. No sir, says Jay. Not going to be the one who sends him back to the ER. Or worse. Jay likes his job. I think.

“I got a weird valve thing!” Chet crows. “I could faint. I’m not going to die. What do you give a crap for anyway?” He throws in a limo, some girls and some Thai massages to sweeten the deal.

Meanwhile, Quinn’s got a fresh problem on her hands — Stargazer, the self-same British tab that outted Adam with the hookers pre-Everlasting has now made it front page news that he’s sexting with his ex. “What does this douche bag not get about this business?”Quinn howls. “We are selling true love. True love, people!”

Adam will apologize for the mess on camera. Make some lemonade of an episode out of these unexpected lemons. And note to self: buy the Stargazer reporter a Rolex to hush his damned mouth.

Dispatched to turn this goof into good TV, Rachel asks Adam for an explanation and Adam says he was bored, Roger gave him a phone and in a few days it will be old news over there in the U.K. Well, here, it will require an on-camera apology to the ladies.

Not going to happen says, Adam.

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That’s what you think, sweetie. Time for plan B.

Rachel shows Jay a copy of the tabloid in front of Athena. Launching into the tale of his exchange with Chet — the hell with the hookers, he just wants to pitch a show idea — Jay casually drops the tab in the trash and the pair walk away. Athena’s on the mag in a hot second. Big oops? Or bait taken?

Meanwhile, Quinn picks up her phone and requests a dinner date with someone. The male is voice on the other end of the line is surprised but happy to hear her voice.

Turns out the voice belongs to a handsome guy named Bill (Revenge’s JR Bourne). And Bill is the guy who thought up Everlasting with Quinn only to have it — and her — snatched away by Chet.

Ah ha! Dudes are dime a dozen, but your best shot at E.P. superstardom is quite another. If it had to be a package deal, so be it. If you eventually fall for your captor, well that happens, too.

Bill tells Quinn that all they need to launch a slam-dunk lawsuit against Chet is their original look book — the visual aid they presented to producers to land a deal. Quinn says she hasn’t seen it in years. She doesn’t say it convincingly. And for Quinn, that is something. No go on the lawsuit, but there IS another way that Bill could prove helpful.

Meanwhile, Rachel is trying to figure out the vineyard situation. She wonders to Chet if his politician pal Brooks could be of any help. Probably could. He’ll certainly ask. And if she wonders how she can reward his kindness … no not like that. He taps his nose. Message received. Rachel taps hers back. And she probably won’t ask for Family Blender to be made in the process.

Meanwhile operation (Athena and) Pepper Spray is going gangbusters — exactly as Rachel planned. Pretty soon all of the girls are abuzz about Adam’s latest man-whoring ways and Rachel promises she’ll handle it. She calls Adam to set and when he launches into a speech about the romantic vineyard date, he is met with icy stares.

Oh. Oh oh. Rachel? Raaaaaaachelllllll! She tells him the time has come for him to clean up his own mess. No one is going to bail him out of this one. But here’s a hint: Right now everyone of those women is his pissed-off girlfriend who thought she was going to marry him until this happened. Pretend Rachel is one of them (oh oh) —  how would he get himself out it?

And go!

Randy Roger reminded him of home, Adam tells the girls — of all the people who think it is silly for him to be on the show and that there is only one kind of person who is right for him. So he faltered a bit and returned to the old and familiar. Then he realized how many possibilities he has right here in front of him to a form a unique and deep connection that no one at home can deny.

That dripping sound you hear? Ten hearts melting in unison. Maybe eleven. (Or, you know … what Rachel said about panties. What?! She said it first.)

Rachel watches from the sidelines, a slight smile on her face. Drinking the Kool-Aid? Pleased her plan worked? Both? Quinn congratulates her on her stroke of genius. That was all him, Rachel tells her boss. What IS that expression on her face?

Chet appears  in the production room to find out where Quinn was the night before. On a date, she tells him. Oh, well if that’s the case, let him tell you how much Cynthia is looking forward to Napa. Quinn looks slapped. But I doubt she’s down for long.

Time to film in the “60 feet of usable space” that have been cobbled together out of the ruins of Adam’s vineyard. Make that 50 feet. Two potential investors have just come roaring into the courtyard in a luxury sedan. Can Adam just take a couple minutes to, you know, schmooze?

“This is not the ‘Fund Adam Cromwell’ Show,” Rachel barks. “This is a straight-up fairytale.” Quinn would be so proud!

Adam tells her he can’t let his dad call him a failure again. He has to make this thing work. Just a few minutes? Rachel says OK, but that comes with a price: Tonight he will kiss one of the contestants in front of the others. And he will sell that kiss.

Adam leans in. This time, Rachel doesn’t stop him. He kisses her … on the cheek, mere millimeters from her mouth. And Jeremy captures it all with his camera.

Afterward Jeremy warns her to watch herself with Adam and she confesses that she didn’t talk to Quinn to get him the job. She just used the situation to get him to talk to her again. He should be proud he got the job all on his own. He does not look proud.

On their vineyard date, each lady will be blending wines into something special just for her and Adam. Maya the sommelier teaches the girls to mix and swish and Athena says she should be disqualified for her skills. And here comes Adam. Noticing Mother Mary is mixing but not tippling, he asks her to go for a walk.

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A dozen yards from the wine festivities, he pulls her into that kiss he owes Rachel.
And he sells it.

Meanwhile, Quinn is making peace over the phone with the Stargazer reporter when Bill shows up with flowers. Thought she’d already be in Napa and wanted to leave her a surprise. Quinn has other plans.

So does Athena. Grabbing a moment alone with Adam, she tells him she’ll be his wingman if he just gets her into the final four. That hair salon, you know. Sweet publicity. Adam smiles. This is about his success, sweetheart.

Meanwhile, Rachel tells Madison the PA to get the investors to the chapel before Quinn shows up and to not them leave. “Do whatever it takes,” she says. Madison looks a little ill. No need. The investors want to be linked up with Adam’s family, not Adam. We have us Prince Adam Borghesjnik, right here, people.

Time to let the alpha-males clash. Quinn pulls up with Bill in tow and even though Cynthia, Brooks and Brooks’ wife, Kelly, are sitting mere feet away, the two men nearly come to blows over Quinn, over the show, over Bill’s right to be right here.

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And when a testy Adam hollers for his mic, Jeremy brings it, calls him a prick and reminds him that he works for them, not the other way around.

Quinn takes Rachel to task for indulging his little investor deal, and Rachel tells her that, “Every moment I spend producing Adam on or off camera makes him easier to control.” No bullshitting she who taught you to shovel it, darling. Quinn tells her to stop thinking with her, uh, lady parts, and do her job.

It ain’t going to be easy. Adam tells Rachel the show is a joke and so is he.
Quinn tells a livid Chet that she deserves to have a life and he needs to let her do that.

Come ceremony time, Wingman learns that not every guy needs a wingman. As she makes a memorable exit, Chet approaches Adam and whispers in his ear.

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Meeting with Adam, Brooks and Mrs. Brooks in his cabana, Chet tells Adam that the trio want to turn his vineyard into the “Everlasting Spa and Resort.” Excellent investment for the Everlasting franchise and a virtual “wine country ATM” for everyone involved. Sounds good, Mrs. Brooks? It most certainly does. With clotted cream on top.

“I always let her have the last word,” Brooks tells Adam. “Makes a marriage work.”
Turns out that’s not all he lets her have. And Everlasting‘s not the only show we’re going to have tonight.

As Rachel tries to comfort Jay about Athena’s prospects following her very vocal departure — “That’s the game, right. She’ll be a real hero for my people,” he sighs — the pair glance up at the camera monitoring the “suitor’s room” and realizes there’s nothing but a big black screen

Rachel bolts from her seat. She can hear the festivities even before she cracks open the door and looks right into a sweaty Adam’s eyes as he’s pumping away at Kelly from behind. Chet and Brooks look on, drinks in hand.

Back in the production room, Quinn walks in on Jay PhotoShopping an “Everlasting Resort and Spa” logo into a photo of of Adam’s vineyard. Doing it for Chet, he says. Quinn fires him on the spot. “The only thing I deserve is loyalty,” she seethes, “and you spent the whole season kissing the wrong ass.”

Jay has had plenty education these last few days. Athena may be gone, but he ain’t goin’ anywhere, thanks. He cooly informs Quinn that he’s pretty sure Chet wouldn’t enjoy a harassment suit by a gay black man alleging he was forced to procure hookers and weed.

“I’ll finish the season Quinn and then I’ll be working for Chet on his new shows,” Jay says. “You’ll see.”

Quinn says Chet will use Jay up and spit him out, like he’s done with everyone else.
“Seems to have worked pretty well for you,” Jay retorts. Couple days late and more than a few dollars short, buddy.
“You’re not me,” Quinn sneers.

After his porny little business meeting wraps, Adam finds Rachel in the courtyard drinking what remains of the wine mixer. He tells her he’s a laughing stock — probably always will be — so what does he have to lose by taking Chet’s offer? Rachel tells him to trust the show.

“You want me to trust the show now,” Adam chuckles. “You?”

Chet hunts down Quinn once again. Turns out not only was Everlasting Quinn’s idea, but the Everlasting Resort and Spa was Quinn’s idea, too.

Well, she can design it, offers Chet.
“Like I ‘designed’ Everlasting  — the show from which I could be fired at any minute?” she says. “You have taken everything from me.”

But he may not get to keep it. Quinn rummages in a drawer and pulls out a spiral-bound book. The look book … with her name and Bill’s name on it and no other name.

Chet looks like another heart situation would not be out of the question.

Everlasting‘s other fallen lovers seem to have made peace. Jeremy tells Rachel — again — to be careful with Adam. She heads off to watch herself on the footage he shot of her and Adam talking kisses in the driveway. Sees her face. Deletes the tape. The end.

So what say you, UnREAL fans? Is Rachel falling for Adam, or rediscovering her mojo in playing the player? Does she even know? Is Quinn the most honest person we have here, hands down (and Buddha hands up, ya’ll!)? Does she still love Chet or is it game on, advantage Quinn and Bill? Are you ready for the Hometown Dates? Faith gets hers next week. In the meantime, find out who left Breeda Wool, who plays her, slap-happy starstruck and her own reality-show guilty pleasure here.

New episodes of UnREAL premiere Mondays at 10/9CT on Lifetime.

Photos by James Dittiger Copyright 2015

 

 

About Lori Acken 1195 Articles
Lori just hasn't been the same since "thirtysomething" and "Northern Exposure" went off the air.