I am still buzzing about the news that the next season of Naked and Afraid will feature some of our favorite past participants! Naked and Afraid XL will have 12 survivalists living together in Colombia for 40 days and I can’t wait!
I hope that Naked and Afraid Bares All: Survival in Close Quarters is a little less lazy than the “Uncensored” clip show from a few weeks ago, so hopefully this episode of Bares All will be more than a re-airing of past episodes. Within a few minutes, it’s clear that this will be better than the “Uncensored” episodes which are the same as regular episodes, but with Pop-Up Video-type factoids sprinkled throughout. And, it’s got people from multiple seasons, and we get interviews from them. And they’re really answering the questions we’ve been wondering all along.
First, we get to see a lot of the really, really awkward meetings between the nude survivalists. It never gets less cringe-worthy. Or less hilarious. I can remember one, maybe two pairs who were completely business-like and didn’t get giggly and awkward when meeting their naked pal.
One thing that surprised me was when they were showing Honora and Matt from the Brazilian sand dune episode, Honora was blindfolded while driving through the desert. Did they think she was going to memorize the route and hike her way out? Or did they want for her to be awestruck by the almost alien landscape?
Haven’t you always marveled at how completely filthy everyone is on Naked and Afraid? Access to water doesn’t guarantee cleanliness.
In Udhampur, Trenton emerged from their water source and announced that he had bathed, but wasn’t clean. In fact, he looked dirtier than when he went in!Then, it was Jennifer’s turn to “get clean.” She said their water source was little more than a stinking and putrid hole, and said “I dunked my head in a stagnant pool of monkey @#$%.
In India, Phaedra said she encouraged her partner, Hakim to clean himself. She’s a bal of cleaning her bits on the daily, and she said that out in the open, he wasn’t too stinky, but once in their shelter, she revealed, “All you smell is rotten ball-sack and cheese.”
When they spend three weeks in Quintana Roo, Christina and Steve thought that they didn’t smelled at all.
They’d gone noseblind. By the looks of them, I’m glad I don’t have smellavision. They also didn’t walk too far from their shelter to tinkle, so there’s that.
A few Naked and Afraid couples have been cursed with locations chock-full of bugs. (Remember the Amazonian horror that started off Season 2? It was so buggy that both participants tapped out after a few days and then the show brought in N&A veterans EJ and Laura) Not surprisingly, many of those people don’t make it the full 21 days. But even for the people who aren’t in a mosquito hell, there are still fire ants, spiders and other biting bugs.
But turnabout is fair play, because the participants ate many of their multi-legged foes. Bugs, grubs, worms, frogs, beetles — they’re all fair game. I guess they’re all taking Dr. Seuss’ Hop on Pop to heart.
Honora ate a mega-gross locust and reveals that it was delicious. Her partner was also hungry, but he planned to remain a vegan for the entire 21 days (and he did!).
Alyssa and Luke also enjoyed “faux-balut” when the eggs that they found and cooked ended up being baby birds, and not delicious, and yolk-filled. Their brave solution was to swallow them whole, “Like a giant pill” explained Luke.
(Fast forward to 1:52 for P!nk to tell us about this meal)
When they were surviving in the Florida Everglades, Amber and Ryan had an impressively-sized neighbor who they dubbed “Big Bertha.” But this sassy lassie wasn’t a toothless crone, she was a gigantic alligator! Thankfully, Bertha gave her new neighbors a wide berth and never came over for a bite to eat … or to borrow a cup of sugar. Ryan also got to be friends with a local owl.
Zach got lonely in Guyana and an empty turtle shell named “Turtle” became his best friend and confidant. It was a hilarious, Wilson-esque relationship, (and also this episode’s Moment of Crazy #1).
Christina (who said she was going to “make the Mexican jungle my bitch”) also though she’d train a monkey “to be my bitch.” But, the monkeys got the last laugh because they’d pee all over Christina and Steve from their tree-top perches. Ah monkeys, such crappy friends.
When people are hungry, thirsty and over-tired, minor spats can erupt into World War III. Matt and Honora got into a pretty major fight that resorted to low blows. (remember when she called Matt a “Fat Kid” and told him he stank? She regrets that now. Big time.) “Hangry” makes you crazy.
You’re the Worst Naked and Afraid listed a few locations that they say are the worst.
Guyana– Afften got sick and tapped out
Everglades– Amber got sick after eating catfish that Ryan had caught. Amber puked right outside of their shelter and Ryan gets queasy when he sees barf so he fled the area, leaving his partner to puke in private. Amber left shortly thereafter (Amber ended up getting worms from eating an under-cooked snail. Yuck!).
Brazil– Matt went through coffee withdrawal. He says that beforehand, was a major coffee drinker, consuming 8-16 shots of espresso per day. His partner, Honora stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol two months before the experience, and joked that it was ironic that she was the one who tapped out.
Moments of Crazy (Part 2)
When the contestants are staring at 21 days of slow starvation,m that leaves a lot of idle time. Christina used her time to make herself a flute, a chair, a golf club, and a sash and crown for her the imaginary beauty pageant that she won. I wonder if anyone has ever fashioned a deck of cards from leaves? I actually think the golf club is pretty hilarious.
Moments of Genius
Ryan dreamed of making his “boom stick noose,” woke up and made it. Booya! He caught a gator, which was one of the show’s most badass moments ever!
It’s got to be a pretty euphoric experience to wake up on day 21 and know that the only thing between you and your family is the extraction experience. But with limited sleep, no supplies and very little food, even the most minor hike becomes a majorly exhausting trek.
I though that Jen and Trenton had a major challenge when a wildfire forced them to take a much longer route to extraction than planned. I think their original extraction his was supposed to be 6 miles, but the wildfire in their way forced them to hike 11 miles.
But I still think that Charlie and Dani had the worst extraction ever. Their two-day paddle down the river was hellacious, but it was made even worse by an extra-long ocean swim through rough surf.
First thing they did
Christina said the first thing she did when she returned to civilization was brush her teeth. (so did Phaedra). As a result of her 21 day ordeal, Christina says that she’s become a more physically affectionate parent.
Steve was craving human contact and was so happy to hug his mom.
Ryan was excited to see his wife.
Luke has become a more grateful person as result of the experience.
Charlie got a pretty cool-looking tattoo of a map of the country of Colombia to remember his life changing experience.
Next week’s all-new episode looks pretty intense. The two survivalists fall victim to toxic rain.