Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.
In the May 29 midseason* premiere of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People, “A Wolfpack Divided,” the Brown family is ready to move into their new home when Ami requires immediate medical attention and must travel to a big city for surgery. Meanwhile, the pressure is on the boys to secure a wood-burning stove so the family can stay warm over winter.
*Discovery Channel has been pushing this as a new season, though the May 29 new episode is listed as Season 2, Episode 9. We’re going to call this Season 2B until someone at Discovery who knows what the hell is going on tells us otherwise.
Season 2 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Wild Times | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | SHARK WEEK! | Episode 15 | Episode 16 | Lost Footage | The Wild Year
— Ryan Berenz (@ChannelGuideRAB) May 29, 2015
Because no one received the memo from new Discovery Channel President Rich Ross, we have more new episodes of ABP.
Picking up where we left off at stately Brownton Abbey on Chicago Bears Island, the Browns are very happy with The House That Discovery Built, except that it has no heat source, and WINTER IS RIGHT THERE! Actually, it was right there a few minutes ago. Where is it now?
Remember when Ami was so eager to flee Ketchikan, the city of vice and whoredom, that she bypassed getting surgery to remove her infected “remaining teeth”? Well, that decision finally came back to bite (Ha!) her in the ass. Her teeth are hurting somethin’ fierce, and they’ll need to get her some surgery pronto. The Browns distrust modern medicine and avoid it unless absolutely necessary. (That time Billy stayed overnight in the hospital because he had a cough? That apparently doesn’t count.) I’ve grown weary hearing about all the Browns’ random plot-device ailments. If I want that kind of stuff, I’ll talk to my father-in-law.
This tooth extraction is going to require a trip to Juneau via a puddle-jumper plane. Airplane charters and oral surgeons probably don’t take a garbage can full of trout as payment, so this is going to cost the Browns a pretty penny. There goes all the money for the wood stove!
Ami packs the essentials, her bible and her gun. Billy, Rainy and Birdy come along for the boat ride to Hoonah, where they’ll catch the float plane to Juneau. They’re all bitching about having to fly, even though they have their own plane, there’s no jackass reclining a seat into their knees, and Ami gets to bring a big-ass gun onboard an aircraft. Someone needs to just drug them B.A. Baracus style and throw them into the luggage compartment.
Back home, the boys decide they’re going to get jobs for which they will be compensated with currency they can exchange for goods and/or services. Novel idea! Matt’s buddy, Crazy Kenny from the junkyard, knows a guy, Bryce, who’s willing to appear on TV and let the Brown boys pound a few nails for the cameras.
Rainy and Birdy get the opportunity to hit the big city of Juneau to ransack drugstores and marvel at modern conveniences like feminine razors and People magazine.
At the doctor’s office, Ami has to get a high-tech “Jetsons” whole-mouth X-ray, which reveals that 12 (!) of her teeth have to come out. I wonder if Spacely Sprockets had a decent dental plan.
Birdy and Rainy are entranced by a gas-fueled fireplace with its artificial logs that summon fire without flint or tinder. Fire on. Fire off. Fire on. Fire off. Fire on. Fire off. JUST KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!
The boys get the wood-burning stove into the house, and they’ve got to install the chimney duct by cutting through the second floor and the roof. One of them gets the idea to shoot a gun through the ceiling. I’ll have to remember this technique the next time I’m tempted to just drill pilot holes. Noah Da Vinci is the only sensible one who doesn’t want to be discharging firearms at the house from within the house. He is voted down by his AWESOME and EXTREME brothers. Bam blasts the ceiling. That was some good ol-fashioned unnecessary fun. Bear climbs up on the roof to cap the chimney. He’s not too keen on caulk guns, and he just likes to spread roofing cement all over the place with his bare hands, because severe skin irritation is AWESOME and EXTREME! The wood stove is finally ready to blast out some massive BTUs.
Digression! At my factory job in high school, we burned all of our garbage in a cornfield behind the parking lot (not my idea, I assure you). On my first day of incinerator duty, I had an awful time trying to ignite a big pile of corrugated cardboard. I must’ve been out there for 20 minutes with a lighter trying to get that stuff to catch fire. One of the other guys noticed my incompetence, and advised me to tear off one side of the cardboard and light the corrugated part inside. Yep, that got ‘er going. I guess the point of this story is that cardboard insulation isn’t a fire hazard if you’re an idiot. The Browns will be fine.
Ami got her teeth yanked and everything was fine. The winner and still champion: MODERN MEDICINE!
Ami, Billy, Rainy and Birdy arrive back at Brownton Abbey just as the boys are putting the finishing touches on the stove. Everyone’s happy. The Wolfpack is whole again. And the Tooth Fairy will reward Ami handsomely.
Overall, not a great start to Season 2B. I’ll give it points for a Crazy Kenny cameo, but this episode was mostly a big steaming pile of schmaltz. It’s probably just me, though. It’s been a long short workweek. I’m tired. Maybe I’ve got Bush People burnout. When you can’t resist trolling religious radio talk-show hosts on Twitter, it’s time to seek help.
At least @DeebsDad had fun.