Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People recap: Wild Times

Alaskan Bush People Fake Ryan Berenz

Do the Alaskan Bush People get paid? We asked! Read our interview with the Brown family.

As we prepare for the midseason* premiere of Discovery Channel’s Alaskan Bush People May 29, Discovery Channel presents this “Wild Times” recap special, in which the Browns discuss memorable, extreme and most certainly not fake moments from their show so far. Because I am a complete disappointment to my family, I’m going to recap this recap show.

*Discovery has started promoting this as a new season, yet I’ve not heard any mention of “Season 3.” So we’ll just call this Season 2B until the Supreme Court hands down their decision.

Alaskan Bush People

Alaskan Bush People Season 1 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | The Wild Life

Season 2 Recaps: Episode 1 | Episode 2Episode 3 | Episode 4Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8  | Wild Times | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Episode 13 | Episode 14 | SHARK WEEK! | Episode 15 | Episode 16 | Lost Footage | The Wild Year

So ABP is going to repeat a bunch of the pointlessness we’ve already seen and throw in a little of the pointlessness yet to come in Season 2B. I’ll try to make this as painless as possible and will try to stick to stuff we haven’t seen or heard in previous episodes.

“You can do anything you want. You can eat anything you want, and have anything you want,” Birdy says of the bush lifestyle. Let’s examine these statements. You can do anything you want, so long as it’s legal, won’t get you eaten by a bear, and fits the ABP production schedule and budget. You can eat anything you want, except for that time when food was scarce and you had to eat the berries that the bears didn’t. And you can have anything you want, so long as it grows in nature or is subsidized by the taxpayers of Alaska. So other than all that stuff, Birdy’s living like the Queen of Sheba.

Some great ABP legends get some screen time, as we see Lumber Guy Rick, Grizzled Gale the junk man, Uncle Tom of Uncle Tom’s Tavern and the Guitar Guy who bartered for the box of DVDs that had no porn.

I usually watch ABP with the captions on, and the captions for tonight’s episode read as if they were being typed in real time by a chimp. Chitina was displayed as CLITINA. A cord of wood was a QUART of wood. And I don’t know what the hell was going on here:

ABPCaptions

This show would be vastly more entertaining with the sound off.

Matt’s upcoming architectural failure involves building a home out of old tires. Bam realizes this idea is so stupid, there’s no way he’s sitting this one out. “What’s the plan?” Bam asks. “I’m kind of … there’s not really any plan,” Matt answers.

Matt and Bam are in tight competition for the Creepy Misogynist of the Year title. “Hardest thing to barter for: women,” Bam says. “Nobody wants to let them go. They don’t like being bartered for for some reason.”

Noah is going to assemble some kind of clothes dryer out of a segment of chain-linked fence and some bicycle wheels. This thing is going to go above an open fire and be like a rotisserie for laundry and burn the hell out of all their clothes. Like most of Noah Da Vinci’s contraptions, we get to see them built, but we never actually get to see them work effectively.

Matt is just awful. Even worse, he’s become aware that he is awful and he’s playing it up for the camera. Matt describes what I think is his ideal date with a woman. “I found a way to get underneath the roads, right? And so I’m going to take her underneath the road like the Ninja Turtles and we’ll eat pizza.” And then he tells the matchmaker Ami hired for them, “I’m afraid I’m going to break you, actually, with your whole date doctor thing, because I like a pretty smile and a girl with an interest in me.” Is he hitting on the matchmaker?

During this fully edited, revised and abridged History of Alaskan Bush People, we get a scene in which a bear walks through the Browns’ campsite at night, Billy gets out and grabs a rifle, and the boys go out to chase the bear off. You’ll notice in the footage that the bear rearranged a bunch of items on a table in front of the tent. (Rumor has it the Browns don’t even spend the night in Chicago Bears Island and that they were snug in bed at the Icy Strait Lodge in Hoonah when the bear visited the camp.) We also don’t get a recap of why the Browns were “chased off” their land in Chitina.

Gabe tells a story about the time the family was being chased by an angry moose and their dog heroically “just broadsides” the moose. I do not know who holds the most victories in the longstanding Dog vs. Moose species rivalry, but my guess is that Moose leads the series by quite a lot. Any Pacific Northwest friends want to weigh on in this one?

In an upcoming episode, we get to hear Billy and Ami bitch and moan about how they’re so oppressed by civilization. “We feel the encroachment,” Billy says. “It’s almost like it’s getting harder and harder to live an independent lifestyle.” What Billy doesn’t realize is that everyone wants him to be independent. They just want him to do it somewhere far, far away.

And then Ami gets a visit from some Alaska troopers for being suspected of doing God knows what at a restaurant in Hoonah. Perhaps you even noticed that there’s a cellphone on the table in front of Ami when she’s at the table speaking her mind to the police. They’re not even trying any more.

Thanks for coming back to check out what I hope will be fun and therapeutic recaps of a total dumpster fire of a TV show. I couldn’t do it without you guys, so keep the comments coming. You give me strength. You are the fire that warms the bush clothes dryer of my heart.

29 Comments

  1. my wife and i and our two boys want to move to the bush. are you (the browns) willing to take in others that want the same thing as yall do we want the bush we are wondering if the browns are willing to have more people in Brown town. im sick an tired of the lower 48 yall seem like my kind of people. and BEAR! your my kind of friend. we like the same stuff. please get back to me. my name is jesse buzzaird im 23

  2. I know this is a scripted reality show. Theybare nit poor nor do they love be in the wild. I get that. But, somehow they are great actors and the scripting makes the whole thing enjoyable.

  3. I enjoy every minute of this show.I am 72 and only wish I could live like them or better the kELCHER family,who actually live on a farm,but either would be ok with meI would make the Bush family to be nore like the other fanily though

  4. Ah, so it’s the guy who makes the self-aware joke that women DON’T like being treated as property who wins the ‘Creepy Misogynist of the Year’ award, and not, you know, any of the actual rapists, abusers, or woman-killers out there. Nice.

  5. one episode they were talking about that they couldn’t get back to the town, or was hard to get to town, but they showed a banana, which from my experience do not last but a few days .. show is enjoyable to watch, but they are not secluded as the show makes the family life is.

  6. If you don’t like the show or the people in the show, DON’T WATCH IT!!!! Who cares if they are fake? it’s a tv show. I love the show and it’s no worse than all the other crap thats on tv. Finding bigfoot, Mountain Monsters etc, etc. God Bless.

  7. I am still wanting to know about these fraud charges? Who have they committed fraud against? I did notice the cell phone in the restaurant and commented on it to my mom. Bush people use cell phones?? Another thing I wondered about is they could afford a bush pilot to fly them to Juno, the gas for the boat and a hotel room for 4 days. How is that?

  8. I started watching this show a while back and actually thought for once it would be something closer to a reality show than the others. After reading the articles on the facts however, I am very disappointed to know that this is just another BS show.
    Long ago I lived in Montana in a cabin that had no running water, no plumbing at all and only had a wood cook stove and a barrel stove. I carried water from a nearby creek and chopped wood. I never bought processed foods from a store and I canned vegetables and baked my own bread. We ate venison and lived like pioneers. No electricity, no phones, nothing. No tv producer came knocking on my door.
    After finding out that the Brown family are not really living ‘wild’, I will never again watch this show. Very disappointed in you Brown family!

    • Has anyone noticed who does all the work? Look at the size of billy, and look at the boys, now you tell me, who is getting a work out? I think he’s a lazy bum, and should be charged with child abuse. Ever see the little girl smile? She’s in misery. Billy is worthless for even thinking of having a family of children. In that living condition. He just wants life given to him and he wants the world to feel sorry for him.

  9. even notice Billy Browns always commenting on they can’t make us leave nobody can take this away from us nobody can break us apart like he’s always running from something now we know the police but somebody that don’t take nothing from anybody should takes a lot of federal money from the government to pay for all life you are the uses for his boat

  10. This show may be somewhat fake but to call them lazy is beyond ridiculous. Hunting, fishing, and building shelter is not lazy. They honor family above all else. How many self-involved Americans can say that? Let’s pop out baby after baby and put them in daycare to be raised by others while the Mother hangs out in the office all day and then goes off with her co-workers. As soon as the Mom picks up the children from daycare, it will be time for dinner, after school sports and then time for bed. Women now days are so selfish to start families when all they are interested in is money and climbing the corporate ladder. It is clear to see most of those hating on the Browns are jealous they do not have the same desires to connect with their family, jealous of the skills they have, and jealous they make you selfish Mothers look as selfish as you really are. Now stop reading this article and go pick your children up from daycare instead of being dependent on others to raise your children. Selfish greedy Americans.

    • You do understand that they live in Hoonah and only go to the Bush to film this ridiculous show right?
      All-American family? Honor family above all else? What normal family has grown men still living with the parents? They never go anywhere by themselves! What All-American family faces more than 60 felony fraud charges?
      I lived in the real Bush for years. People who live in the Bush don’t act like these idiots. If you do, you die. It’s really that simple.

      • Hell. I want MY own show! My life is full of stress and drama and I could use the money. Nothing fake here. My life is all too real.

    • I wonder how you consider a working mom selfish while the mom on this tv show does not have her children in any type of schooling? I think a mom who works earning money for her family coming home to make diner after school activities then bathes kids helps with homework and tucks them in is far from selfish! I am not lucky enough to be a stay home mother.. But I love my children very much. Your criticizing people for hating on this show but no one said anything about the mother in the comments so why are you degrading working moms?

  11. I always get a kick of your spot on commentary…there was a time I though this show might be real-ish, but now I guess I just watch it for entertainment value. Weren’t 7 out of 9 of the Brown’s having a court date in June for fraud etc? Does this mean the only browns around for air will be Matt and Rainy? I should refuse to watch it, but alas…

  12. I refuse to watch this trainwreck but I love your recap.Thank you for torturing yourself on my behalf.

  13. I like, how these bush people are making a mess out of a beautiful site, is that what it means to be “bush”, if i hear that one more time. Junk thrown all over,now Tires, they never degrade, they burn forever, people pay to get rid of them, so the Browns bring them to a pristine forest, look around that site, what a discusting way to live, thats not BUSH, thats lazyness. They have no desire to do anything but play around and look for food. Mr. Billy should be glad he has those boys, see Mr. Billys belly? Again this is what poor parenting and living off the government promotes. You can live whatever way you like, but you don’t have to make the rest of us pay for you and u don’t have to be slobs and ruin the land, to me, thats not BUSH..

    • You make a very valid point about Billy’s belly. I was wondering myself how anyone can be fat if they only eat deer meat, fish and plants. Is someone bringing in beer and pizza?

      • Scientists have studied the diets of indigenous peoples living off the land and they show wear patterns on their teeth but do not suffer the kind of tooth decay that plagues the so called wild wolf pack Browns.I’d say they all have had access to a highly processed diet devoid of nutrition. A diet that speaks of poverty not bush living. The entire Brown family is living out Billy’s mythology in their attempt at fame and fortune.Sadly Discovery Channel has bought the bullshit and is trying to get the public to buy it too.

        • Tooth decay is caused by a communicable strain of bacteria that is passed personto person, usuallyfrom motherto infant.Ancientman was protected from tooth decay not by their diet, but by their lack of exposure to thisbacteria.

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About Ryan Berenz 2000 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.