Three Palace-Rocking Revelations- Recap: The Royals, Episode 9

The Royals, Episode 9 Kellie Freeze

It has been a long week. I’ve been utterly dying to find out the fate of Liam and Eleanor and if King Simon is actually their father. And The Royals, Episode 9 isn’t making us wait long as they get right into it.

The Royals, Episode 9
I love it when MoPo does paternity reveals!

After a week of breathless waiting, we have the paternity results. And as Maury Povich would say, “King Simon … you are not the father.”

When he hears the news, Liam drowns his cell phone, and his sorrow, in pints of beer. And Eleanor murders several royal pillows.

Eleanor seems to find strength in the knowledge that she’s not a princess and confronts The Queen. The princess accuses her mother of masterminding the attack against the man whom she thought was her father, and even having her elder brother Robert, killed. In the second of tonight’s shocking revelations, the queen tells her, “No one killed Robert, because Robert killed himself.” A royal suicide!?! How tragic.

As expected, becoming the heir to the throne has turned Cyrus into an even bigger royal terror. His first act of business: dismiss Eleanor and Liam’s security details, drink a lot of cognac, and get high-water pantsuits made. And, it seems he’s trying to make his socks a thing. But, as Rob Kardashian can attest — no one cares about overpriced socks.


The Royals, Episode 9
King of Hearts, but Joker of Song.

Liam’s sauced at the pub and sings one of the most horrible renditions of “I Just Cant Wait To Be King,” I’ve ever heard. And in the midst, he sees his father in full military regalia standing in the bar. After they have a heart to heart about the breakdown of the King and Queen’s marriage, we realize it was just an alcohol-soaked hallucination.

For the briefest glimmer of a moment, Queen Helena feels like her devious plan has gone too far. She says, “Cyrus, you should have seen the look in Eleanor’s eyes.” But who is the Queen more loyal to? Her children, or her crown? Cyrus reminds her, “You’ll remain Queen of England until I marry again … as if.”

The Royals, Episode 9
I almost want Cyrus to stay king just so we can watch Mirabel and Beatrice cock things up.

The best part of Cyrus becoming king is that Beatrice and Mirabel become the heirs to the throne. Yee Haw! Can you imagine what happen if one of them were the Queen of England?

Their stupidity and general slutiness makes Eleanor look like a saint, (but in the past few episodes, we’re starting to see what she can do when she’s at full strength. While she’s not a good girl per-se, she is becoming pretty great.)

The Royals, Episode 9
Eleanor is still Daddy’s devoted daughter.

Eleanor still holds a vigil at King Simon’s bedside. While she cries to his injured and broken body, his “Soul” reassures her from the corner of the room, unheard by her.

The Queen meets with Marcus, Liam’s longtime bodyguard. She picks his brain about the attack and revels expert knowledge of the alleged perpetrator. He sees and remembers everything.

We learn a saucy bit about the Queen’s secretary, Rachel when she asks,
Queen Helena: “Where do you go when you’re not here? What do you do?”
Rachel: “I’m a dominatrix, your highness.”
Naughty Minx!

The Queen meets with the leader of the anti-monarchist group, Nigel Moorefield. She offers him a way to dismantle the monarchy. She asks him to put her in charge should something happen to Simon, and once she’s queen, she will dismantle the monarchy. She tells him, “Once I’m gone, you can burn it to the ground.”

Eleanor is no longer allowed access to the King’s bedside. “Family Only,” says a guard. She finds Uncle Scar Cyrus skulking through the palace:
Eleanor: “You’re sitting on the throne, you got what you wanted. What does it matter if I sit at my father’s bedside?”
Cyrus: “He’s not your father; you must let it go.”
Eleanor: “This is going to come back to you. When the king wakes up — and he will — your little reign of terror will be over, so you better enjoy it.”
Cyrus: “Oh I will. I am and I think you mean ‘If,’ not ‘when.’”
Eleanor: “You think you’re good at this? You think you’re the only one who can mess with people’s lives?!? You’re not.”
Cyrus: “Are you threatening me”?
Eleanor: “No, I’m promising you. Your day of reckoning is coming.”
Cyrus: “So dramatic.”
Eleanor: “Yeah? You can suck my dramatic dick, you desperate, reprehensible, failure … you better watch your back.”

Liam’s former Security guard Marcus has figured out whom the mystery man standing outside of the palace gates is. He’s a member of Robert’s former unit, who went AWOL after the prince’s death.

The Royals, Episode 9
Future King, or Royal punching-bag?

Liam is still sauced in the pub and has called the burly barkeep, “Gogmagog” after a mythological English Giant. The human giant doesn’t take kindly to the historical insult, and punches out the inebriated former heir to the throne. Before he can toss the inebriated former heir to the throne out on his ear, mystery gate-stander, Brandon Boone, can be seen lurking in the corner. There’s more punching and Liam just keeps getting up and taking the pummeling. Finally, the barman, who is impressed by his pluck, offers Liam a beer.

The Royals, Episode 9
I totally want some King Cash!

Eventually, Marcus shows up with a fresh, new phone for the bloody prince, a few words of advice (“call Ophelia”) and a stack of cash. If you were an actor, wouldn’t it be such a massive ego boost to play a role where you get to appear on currency? I wonder if Vincent Regan took any of his King cash from the set?

Gemma meets with the Queen and offers some fantastically insightful advice to HRH.
“They want their Queen to be honest, raw and in love.”
“The heart wants what it wants.”

The Royals, Episode 9Liam stumbles through a rainy London Street, still so very drunk (So Marcus shows up, drops off a phone and cash and can’t leave the former prince a car? That’s crappy service.) At least Liam has his fatherly hallucination to talk to. They talks about justice and fairness and before Simon’s “Ghost” walks away, a black SUV turns on to the street and he tells Liam, “This is where the plot thickens.” As Liam calls out, “Dad, don’t leave me,” the car stops alongside him and Liam slumps to the soaked pavement.

The Royals, Episode 9At the palace, Rachael, (Whom I think the Queen suddenly finds much more interesting) offers the queen a bit of advice. Rachel tells her, “People pay me excessive amount of money because their bodies and hearts need things. The two things most people have are secrets and desires and quietly behind all of the noise and the facade of their daily lives, they’ll understand those things…and forgive them.”

I must say, this week the ancillary characters really shine. Rachael, Gemma and Marcus all get great moments. Even Lucius gets to have a little more importance in the last two weeks. I certainly hope that next season keeps giving us an Upstairs/Downstairs peek into the monarchy.

Cyrus tells Helena that he knows that she met with the leader of the anti-monarchist group and Helena tells him that she knows here Cyrus went to the night of King Simon’s attack. I don’t know where he went! Tell me Helena!!

Simon’s ghost visits Eleanor in the hospital. It’s interesting that when Eleanor envisions her father, he’s in casual “dad-like” clothes, yet when Liam hallucinates the king, he’s in his military regalia. After reassuring her that Robert loved her very much he asks her to ponder the question, “Do you think he would have chosen to leave you?” Gasp! Does the King think it was murder? Eleanor seems relieved (instead of being befuddled that she’s talking to a ghost, and shocked that in the matter of a day she’s gone from thinking her brother died in a military accident, to thinking it was suicide, to believing he was murdered) that she didn’t fail her brother in his hour of need, so walks into the elevator is a happy fog where mystery-AWOL-military-guy is waiting in his creepy hoodie.

The Royals, Episode 9He offers her info about Robert’s death and asks to meet her beneath a bridge the next day (Um, scary!) And in the third and final shocking moment of the moments, he tells her that Robert was murdered, and he’s the one who did it.

Smash cut to black.

WTF?!? I have to wait another flipping week? I believe that next week is the season finale, so how are they going to resolve ANY of the plotlines that are up in the air? King Simon? Robert’s Death? I guess Ophelia is gone for now, so that storyline will remain in limbo.

In addition to the minor character having fantastic episodes, special slow clap to Alexandra Park for a mesmerizing performance tonight. Her acting has become a force to reckon with, and perhaps we should start addressing Park’s Eleanor as “Her Royal Fierceness.” She has really come alive in the past three episodes and I can’t wait to watch her character eviscerate Simon. I hope that she singlehandedly brings him down. It would be simply delicious.