Sorry for the delay, Dance Moms nation. Rough week. But since this is the mid-season finale, I could hardly let it go unnoticed, now could I? Sure I could. But I didn’t. Because I like you.
We’re back at Starbound, where we seem to be pretending that we didn’t end at Nia’s video premiere last week. I thought we’d dropped by Starbound already, but there is Cathy with her megaphone pondering Abby’s absence and only Melissa, Jess, Nia, Holly and Jo Jo seem to be representing ALDC. Holly says something must be up. Melissa says, the others are just still at Jump (might as well). Not sure why Melissa is not still at Jump, too, but apparently we need someone on hand to answer Holly and Jess’s questions. Oh — the other mothers ARE here, too, and apparently they were given different intel about Jump than Hol and Jess were. Oh oh.
And here come the first crocodiles, Kendall. Let us share with them why we look all stressed out. It’s always wise to share your weaknesses with your A#1 Mortal Enemy.
Here comes General Abby. Cathy tries to get a rise. Doesn’t work. Jess launches the attack about excluding Jo Jo and Nia from Jump. Holly throws in a “shame on you” for good — and completely ineffective — measure. Shame doesn’t figure anywhere in this series, muffin. Turns out Abby’s nuthin’-but-love appearance at Nia’s video premiere was all for show, because she’s hot as a hornet nest about the video and Aubrey O’Day Recording Artist all over again. Doesn’t really explain why Jo Jo was left out of Jump, but whatever.
Jill Bon Jovi finally notices that we should probably not be screaming at each other for the entertainment of our enemies — who are clearly enjoying the crap out of it — and Holly pretty much tells Jill to stick it where our enemies are super-sure not to see it ever.
Exit Apples. Exit Holly and Jess, Holly a huffin’ and a puffin’ the entire way.
In the Apples get-ready, we celebrate the ALDC drama and then Cathy moves on to wondering if putting Vivi in her group dance was a mistake, just to score herself a little mother love. Sure enough. The mothers coo and reassure. Cathy says she is determined to show Abby she can too teach her kid to dance.
Alone with Jess in the ALDC get-ready, Holly says she feels like she’s in some sort of dance related Twilight Zone. Or Mean Girls. Shhhh. Here they come. Jill halfheartedly tries to walk back what she said downstairs. Melissa says she left her girls a note, a banana and a drink and … uh, that. Oh sure, the ol’ potassium and hydration excuse…
Well this is awkward.
And it’s about to get more awkward. Abby says Nia and Jo Jo are going to do solos in place of Kalani and Kendall. Nia is going to do Never Knew. Jo Jo is going to … improv. Am I awake? *pinch* Yes, I’m awake. This is the competition about which we can’t stop yodeling its importance and Jo Jo is going to improv a solo? Alrighty.
Abby Lee says that because she is not dead yet, the kids must do as she says and her kids — not including Jo Jo and Nia — need to be at Jump. If they walk out the door, it’s like a big fat middle finger to the Jump folks. I thought the team was everything, but Holly seems to weirdly accept that Nia and Jo Jo are not Abby’s kids and says only that they are disrespecting this competition by not competing all of their kids.
Back in the Apples get-ready, Jeanette gives Ava a pep talk and says she’s dancing for thousands of people who are subjected to Hurtful Words. Speaking of which …. Abby’s dealing some doozies to Jess and Jo Jo right now.
(For those of you still sticking around from the Hubby Rik days, he just walked by, peered over my shoulder, saw Abby, watched for a spell and happily announced, “There’s my Sugar Booger Pumpkin Seed!” Rik misses his Abby.)
Rik misses you, Sugar Booger Pumpkin Seed.
Cathy and Co. reappear to wish the substitute soloists luck and tell Abby she’s only doing this to punish Nia because she knows Nia’s video was glorious and she can’t take any credit for it. Jill drops an F-bomb. Nia — well practiced in ignoring these people — dances on.
Holly says Cathy was reacting as a mother in defending Nia and shaming the others. Jill says Holly should be grateful that Nia got a solo, so say it. SAY IT! Holly says Nia and Jo Jo defaulted into solos, they didn’t “get” them. I don’t “get” any of this, but I’m not really trying that hard.
Time for Nia to dance. With her confidence clearly bolstered by showing the world what she’s really capable of via her video, Nia rocks her last-minute solo, looking confident and mature and completely beautiful.
In the audience, Abby looks like a bored cheerleader mocking the JV squad.
Ava’s turn. The dance is beautiful and powerful and when Ava matures and grows into her features and her height, she will be an utterly stunning dancer.
Jo Jo is next. She does some turns, leaps a bit, borrows some power moves from Ava’s dance and generally pulls off a decent version of a solo. Backstage she says improv-ing is her thing, so of course she did.
Here’s the Apples again, this time with star glitter to shower on Nia, the star of the ALDC. When Abby arrives, Melanie takes a shot about the videos — Mack’s specifically — and looks real, real proud of herself for doing so. Abby begins video-ing the scene they are making and Cathy says she’ll call her attorney and tattle because Abby doesn’t have permission to video her. And also Abby’s jowls and boobs jiggle, so there.
Cathy says the Patriot dance is a “memorabilia” for Vivi and we have to win for her so the memorabilia isn’t tainted. Jeanette runs her group dance, D-town, and wants her dancers to give the judges death stares. Will they even have an ALDC group dance to compete with because it’s 2:45 and the Jump kids were supposed to be here at noon and they’re not and Abby’s a liar and Jill riding the choo choo train and I don’t know what all else and no one is taking control.
Turns out the kids can’t get their scholarships if they leave Jump, but they’re on their way to Starbound now. For the 40 millionth time, Holly says the whole thing is a joke. Pretty much: Out in the audience, Jeanette notices that Abby doesn’t have a group dance entered. Cathy says it’s because she’s scared of them. I say because it’s probably an “invitational” and who really cares who is dancing or not.
The Patriot is pretty spirited and cute and Vivi actually looks like part of it instead of a prop, as she was in days past.
I’m guessing the judges have seen dances like D-Town approximately 40 million times, but maybe that’s just me being overtired and bitter. Jeanette’s happy about it though, and it is fun to watch.
Back in the ALDC get-ready, everyone is here but makeup kits are missing and Abby is flipping her shizznit — even though it’s her fault this whole thing is such a choo choo wreck, ain’t that right, Holly? The announcer calls and calls for them and finally here we are, blue lipstick and all.
No Sign of Life is powerful and perfectly danced, so all’s well that ends well? Yes, I can hear you laughing from all the way over there.
Melissa’s feeling better enough to get her sexy wiggle on a foot from Gia’s face before awards.
Jo Jo gets third.
Nia gets blanked.
Only half a point between first and second for the group. ALDC takes the win. Apples get second. D-Town gets sent back to D-Town with nada.
Kira says hurray, we’re back to normal! Abby rolls in a big, pink Hooray for Hollywood cake. She says all the running around this weekend is a good lesson for living in Hollywood, what with heels and makeup and traffic and all that California sort of thing. Jo Jo just wants seconds.
Next stop, Australia. Whoops. Nope. Roadblock. Tough-looking crowd right there.
Jeanette invites more Hurtful Words and asks Abby what she thought of Ava. Abby says Jeanette is teaching acrobatics, not dance. Cathy tells Abby to shut her mouth. Abby calls Cathy “Paint By Numbers Hair.” Melissa gets the head ouchies.
Then Abby says that when Vivi looks Maddie, Cathy might have something to say to her. Cathy gets in her face about it. Jill gets out her camera. Cathy grabs it away. Girl fight!!!
Jill unloads another F-bomb and supplements it with an “ass.” A flustered Abby calls Cathy a “little smart fat.” Jill calls Cathy a loser. Lori calls the whole thing ridiculata. Holly wonders what has become of her life.
You sold it to J.C. Executive Producer Superstar — the guy who is mediating your war of words with the other mothers on next week’s Dance Moms: Seeing Stars — that’s what, dear. Call me if you need anything else.
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Weird that Nia and Jo Jo were not invited to Jump. Weird that we were made to think they were last week? Are you deeply tired of seeing the mama drama get physical? Do you think the show will follow Abby to L.A. or is the summer season pretty much it for Dance Moms? How about The Patriot — cute or corny? How about No Sign of Life? Sound off in the comments section below.