So we waited patiently for a whole week while King Simon lay in hospital (Like the Brits say, Guv’na) and to tide us over, the real British Royal Family welcomes a new princess to the world. Awww. What if they name her Eleanor?! Would that be redic or redunk?
The ep opens with Prince Liam taking the royal oath, and I get a funny feeling in my tummy that doesn’t bode well for King Simon. I know his character had been relegated to a smaller part, but I love when he went Ape-sh!t on Helena and Cyrus last week. Then again, right after he did so, he got shanked, (and probably by his brother) so while sexy and noble, maybe it wasn’t the best move. We always say, “Don’t poke the bear.” And maybe in slithery Cyrus’ case — don’t poke the snake.
Kingly update: The King is alive … barely.
According to protocol, when something bad happens, the royal family gets locked in the least-awesome safe room ever. Think cinder blocks and Cold War-era blinking panels. How much would it have cost to throw a few sheets of drywall up in there? Thank God it’s got a bar and it’s got a bed. And I stress A bed. Suddenly, Liam is the “Prince Regent.” And everything has changed. He’s the acting King of England and if they end up there for a while, I hope he claims the bed.
In the bunker, everyone starts to lose it. Cyrus looks like death, and while he claims he’s going through withdrawal, accusations against him begin. The head of security gets raked over the coals for allowing the king to take walks unescorted. They’re trapped like … zoo animals … like the King said. Ophelia reveals that she saw Cyrus leaving the grounds. And when Cyrus screams at O, protective Papa pulls his gun.
The queen looks utterly flawless in a pristine white sweater, and fur shrug and impeccable makeup. And when Liam yells at her for her vanity, she tells him, “I suggest you put your war paint on … this is mine.” Snap!
Yarg, Ophelia is wearing a Big Bird yellow sweater that I loathe.
Queen Helena chats with her trusted security guard, Lucius. What exactly is his job? He’s like her Alfred (from Batman) and his shadiness makes me wonder if he is somehow involved in the attack against King Simon.
“This Tempest was inevitable” he says. “I am at her Majesty’s service, unequivocally.” So does he see himself as Prospero?
Eleanor (and her Lady-Macbeth-stained hands) freaks out in her now trashed room. Whatever wasn’t destroyed before gets trashed now as she flips tables and cries dramatically. The last time she saw her father he was telling her that she was a disappointment. Jasper comes in and in a glimmer of humanity, he tells her that he’s been assigned to the King’s hospital room and takes Eleanor to see him.
Ophelia swears to her father that she saw Cyrus and he’s seen video proving it too. And we get a bit more of the unexplained saga of the death of Ophelia’s mother. Somehow, Ted Price had to choose between protecting her or the king, and he choose the King.
Cyrus meets his lover James Holloway in the tunnels and they head into the safe room. Cyrus asks him to be his alibi for the night before and reminds him, “You did lines of blow off my dick last week.” Classy. And then they use their safe words in the safe room.
Eleanor visits her father in the hospital. I would have thought for a world leader, the room would have been a bit nicer, or have more nurses in it. I doubt that the room in the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s hospital — where the princess was born yesterday — looks this shabby. She promises her father’s semi-lifeless body to do better.
Queen Helena addresses the people and tells them of the attack and she even gets a bit teary-eyed. I wonder if those are crocodile tears.
Liam visits his father in the hospital and as he cries over him, he promises the King he’ll do better and make him proud. When the Queen comes in, she reminds Eleanor that she’s just the spare by asking her to leave so she and Liam can visit the King. “Prince Regent Matters.” Poor Eleanor looks so sad looking in from the hallway; she’s always been an outsider.
Back at the castle, Jasper comes to Eleanor’s room and tells her that he misses her. She questions why he’s here… and presses the panic button in her room.
“Why are you here? Did you attack my father, Jasper? Are you in love with my mother so you tried to kill my father?”
Jasper looks shocked and confused and Eleanor shows him his Jack of Hearts cufflinks (which he showed her at the ball and also wore when he serviced the queen.)
“I found that in the queen’s bed, which is also the king’s bed…”
Finally the police arrive in her room, seriously, it took them a full minute to prance on up there, and lead Jasper off in cuffs.
Cyrus finds Ophelia reading some private papers and tells her that she needs to “Shut that little whore mouth of yours before I shut it for good.”
When she asks him, like a whiney baby, “Why are you so horrible?” Cyrus gets a face of death and deliciously, slowly, closes the door behind them. When she tells him she saw his leave the castle, he tells her, “Go ahead, cry wolf. And when the real wolf is at your door, who will save you then” Brrr, Cyrus has ice water in his veins! I love that he feels threatened by no one and threatens everyone.
Eleanor tells the Queen that Jasper has been arrested for sleeping with the Queen and tells her that she’s reprehensible. Liam comes in and tells her to pull herself together. He acts like a total d-bag, which is totally not Liam-like. Being a d-bag is more Cyrus’ game.
Eleanor runs to her room and Liam chases her … and reveals that his meany act was all a ruse. He tells Eleanor that he is going to sign the referendum. All is well. But, outside in the hall, Lucius is listening through the door. Ruh Roh.
It’s time for Liam to have the biggest moment of his life. But here’s Ophelia! She takes the blame for Liam not being with his father when he was attacked.
And in walks the Queen, who gives O serious murder eyes before telling Liam, “No one was ever ready.” After L leaves, Queen Helena asks Ophelia to look at herself and decide where her place is. “He belong to England now.”
On to the coronation (of sorts)! Such pomp! So many sashes! Liam repeats the same formal vows that opened the show, but just before Liam kisses St. James’ bible…
Cyrus storms in. He sure knows how to make an entrance, doesn’t he? Among the other venomous things that he spits (Look for this to be his Emmy clip,) He says,
“You’re not intelligent, you’re not inspiring … you’re not even the King’s son.”
SAY WHAT?!?!? Gasps from the assembled Girl Scouts (You know, ‘cause of the sashes)
The Queen slaps her bro-in-law. “You bastard!” She spits.
Cyrus: “No, my Queen. That would be him … and her.”
Liam pleads with his mother to refute Cyrus’ wild accusations and Eleanor looks thrilled, but the queen is silent. Hot dang! Are they her sexy military lover’s children? Alastair!?!?! Cedric gives a knowing nod.
Cyrus: “These children are illegitimate. They are not the blood heirs of King Simon, and so are not eligible to ascend the throne. I am the rightful heir to the crown. I am the next King of England.” (I expected him to break out a Bua-ha-ha-ha evil laugh).
That night — as if we care about her because we are so utterly shocked — Ophelia accepts the audition for the NYC Company of Mr. Ballantine. Are we still pretending she’s a dancer?
I’m just so utterly blown away for the faux-coronation. How do Brit’s display complete mind-f@#$ status? Are they gobsmacked? What’s three shades more surprised than gobsmacked? Because that’s how I’m feeling right now.
Of course, Liam and Eleanor get blood drawn. “Mom’s a whore,” says Eleanor.
Outside the palace gates, a mystery man stands for hours and looks menacingly into the surveillance camera. “Who the Hell are you?” wonders Ted. Who the hell exactly? Is he the killer? Or perhaps another bastard child?
Queen Helena confronts Cyrus. They are in cahoots! WTF and FML! And I seriously thought they were about to make out. Aargh. Why is this episode over? So many questions!
All Images ©E! Entertainment.