We’re back in snowy Pittsburgh, Dance Moms nation and despite the fact that everyone is bundled to the teeth, the Pitt Crew professes that there is no place like home. We rifle off all the reasons why — family members left behind, the comfort of routines, what have you. OK, L.A.’s probably better. But apparently we’re only home for a smidge anyway, because Melissa says she can’t believe this will be our last Pittsburgh pyramid. Jill will believe it when she sees it.
Sure enough. We’re only home for a week, before we turn back around to Cali. Thus, Abby doesn’t want to dilly-dally over pyramid because not only do we have this week’s competition, but we also have something called Jump. Might as well.
Turns out, Jump is a dance convention where the Pitt Crew girls have the chance to win scholarships via master classes taught there, so apparently that’s what we really came home for
As for the competition, Candy Apples will be there, and Ava and Jeanette and their team, too. Kendall says they’re crocodiles and crocodiles are not good.
What is good is that Maddie got more applause than Madonna at the Grammys. What is not good is that famous people didn’t really recognize her without her Sia wig. Maddie says it’s like she’s two different people.
Someone can relate.
Make that two someones.
Holly has news, too. Hubby Evan is going to throw a local premiere for Nia’s video downtown, scheduled neatly in between the competition and Jump (might as well) classes, so everyone can attend.
Oh, one more thing. Before we go back to L.A., we’re going to make a little jaunt to Australia so Abby and Gia can teach a master class and the girls can perform in a showcase, so SQUEEEEEEEEE!
Might as well jump like kangaroos.
Bottom row is Kendall (crying), Mack (sat the group out), Nia (technique)
Middle row is Jo Jo (champed it out dancing in a straitjacket) and Kalani (is Kalani)
Top is Maddie (is Maddie)
This week we’re staying right here at home for Starbound National Talent Competition, even though I can seem to find no evidence of the competition online. Solos go to Kendall and Kalani.
Group dance, “No Sign of Life,” is deep and chilling and designed to vanquish the Apples. The moms are excused to the Mom Loft to watch the girls practice a dance about a helicopter search party pilot discovering everyone he’s looking for is dead. Everyone dance dead! Lyrically!
Holly gets a text from Mikey Minion saying a link to the final cut of Nia’s video is on its way. Holly can’t hide her pride. Jill can’t hide her this.
Jill grouches that the team should come first, which is why she’s not blabbing about KendallK’s video and the sniping begins, until Melissa calls détente.
It’s four days before the competition and for some reason Cathy and the Apples are at the Pittsburgh location of the very fine Arthur Murray Dance Studios. Are we entering a snappy Cha Cha in the group dance this week or what? In any case, Cathy professes to being more concerned with Jeanette “The Stalker” Cota than Abby “The Bigmouth” Miller.
S’up, Viv? Long time, no see.
Back at the ALDC, the mothers opine that Abby is too fragmented in her duties and we could be on the brink of disaster.
Oh haaayyyyy, Ice Cream With ViVi! You guys! Ice cream With Vivi! We haven’t done Ice Cream With Vivi in ages.
Turns out this week’s Candy Apples group dance is all about the Viv, which is what we are here to discuss. Vivi is, according to her mother, now a “U.S. citizened,” which is the theme of the dance. Cathy tells her girl that she and the Sausage King of Canton could have had Vivi declared a citizened way back when they adopted her, but they chose to wait so Viv could understand just exactly what it means. Aw. That’s actually pretty awesome, there, Cathy. Let’s eat. Nope. Let’s talk. OK, let’s eat. Discussion won’t melt all over the table and possibly Vivi’s spangly scarf.
Apples group dance is called The Patriot and the whole shebang makes Cathy cry. Especially the part where Abby once yelled at Cathy that Vivi didn’t know she was adopted, which I kinda sorta remember. I’m genuinely touched by Cathy’s pride in her girl. And I’m a giant sucker for the unflappable Viv.
Interlopers at the Arthur Murray!
The Apples’ time in the studio is up. Broadway Dance’s turn. But we’ll make nice first, just in case we need to be allies.
Back at the Mom Loft, Holly decides to invite Jeanette and Co. to Nia’s video premiere, which certainly won’t make anything worse at all. What the hell, invite Cathy and her gang, too.
JILL HATE CATHY! HOLLY BAD! Huff, huff, huff …
Kira says it’s important that Kalani beat Ava since Ava won the last time they went head-to-head. Abby says the same. And the piece that’s going to accomplish this task is a festive little number called “Bleeding Out.” Shards of glass in her arm and everything. If you haven’t watched the show yet, swear I am not making that up. I’d also suggest that it might be a good time to check on Abby’s mental health — what with No Sign of Life and Bleeding Out — but given that this ship sailed months ago, it is what it is.
Mikey calling! Current edit of Star In Your Own Life is available, but for Holly’s eyes only. Holly scurries off to peek at the vid, and the other mothers take the opportunity to talk about how what they’ve seen so far flies in the face of the Fraziers’ conservative nature, whereas Kendall’s is just basically a Barney the Dinosaur video with booty shaking and fatigues.
Besides, Kendall is pretty without Katy Perry’s hair and makeup guy, so mleah.
And in the studio, this is what Abby thinks of Kendall’s tears.
Because she’s in the military now since doing the video. And if she cries again, her video will be dishonorably discharged from existence.
Jill says Abby’s nervous because the video is not finished yet and all this other stuff is going on and you know … stuff.
Meanwhile back at the Arthur Murray, Jeanette and Ava have decided Ava’s solo will be called Hurtful Words. Many, many people can play the message dance game, sister Miller. Here’s the deal on the dance.
Group convo at the ALDC. ALDC Pittsburgh — and the walls full of Broadway dancer sweat — will remain unto eternity. Abby’s just headed West to try her fortunes [before the ratings and press for this show get any worse]. Sad we’re leaving Pittsburgh, but the show must go on, says Melissa.
Abby appears in the Mom Loft to collect compliments on her hair and tell Holly she’ll smoosh Nia’s premiere into her busy schedule. Not that she approves of the video.
Like what specifically, Holly wants to know
Men in underwear.
Maddie. Shia. Sia. Elastic Heart. Hush.
Jill says it’s different because a) they’re booty shorts not underpants and b) Nia is not Sia. But she’s not going to say anything more because it will make her just sound like she is jealous and SHE IS NOT JEALOUS so just shut up.
Back at the Arthur Murray, Jeanette has skipped the straightening iron and says the Broadway Dance group dance will be a high-energy hip-hop number to stand out from the lyrical crap that Abby and countless others are sure to do. Then Jeanette gets her 90 seconds of Dance Moms solo stardom awkwardly coaching her dancers.
Back at the ALDC, Jill hopes Kendall can overcome being up against Kalani and Ava and the fact that this is the last competition in the dirty PA for a long while. Or short. Who knows?
Up in the Mom Loft, Holly warns Nia that because her video looks so professionally done, there are bound to be haters, some right here in her own ranks. Since that is so not anything new to Nia, Nia’s chill.
Premiere time. Holly says Nia may not be the star of the ALDC but she is the star of her own life. Jeanette and her crew are here. The Apples are here.
And here’s the Pitt Crew … moms. The girls had a prior commitment, they say, which was apparently being babysat by Jill’s mom. Nice example you’re setting here, ladies. Holly doesn’t blink.
The Pitt Crew mothers look like they are there for a four-for-the-price-of-one hysterectomy, which Holly takes note of. Look who else is here, just in time to preview the video.
The vocals are thoroughly Disney Kid, but the production values are amazing and anyone who says this girl is not an employable dancer has just been soundly put in their place.
Again, Holly says she’s not boastful. Just proud. And here is fine reason why. Even though she did not see Abby creep in at the last minute, Nia thanks her for being the reason she dances, which led to this opportunity.
Evan invites Abby to come up and say a few words. Abby says the real reason she is coming up there is to snuggle Evan, but since she’s there, might as well offer some words.
Well, look at you, Abby. Look at what you are capable of when you drop the B.S.
Privately she says if the song is Star In Your Own Life, the video should have been more like Nia’s life. It is, Abby. The life she envisions for herself. And the life she and her mother are working to make happen. With people who support them 100% of the time.
And also, for now, with you and the flaky women who flutter in your wake.
Next week on Dance Moms, Jill steals a page from Bon Jovi’s Big Book Of How to Dress Like You’re Still In The ’80s and goes off the emotion rails even further, and Abby Lee refers to herself in the third person to inform us that she’s not dead. Were there rumors?
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Anybody want to weigh in on those morbid dance names and themes? What did you think of Nia’s video? What did you think of the girls — save for Jo Jo — not being there to support their friend? Is anyone else worried that Jesslyn has been the most likable Dance Mom for the better part of this season? Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesdays at 9/8CT on Lifetime.