In The Royals, Episode 7, the paps get pesty, Ophelia gets breasty, King Simon gets testy and we get visited by the best…y.
Liam and Ophelia are wrapped up in post-coital bliss (beneath a headboard with majorly chipping paint. I hope for the sake of their future children that it’s not lead-based paint.
Over in the queen’s apartment, Someone else is getting properly man-handled too; HRH is getting her golden bod (Literally!) rubbed by three strong pairs of handsome hands.
Ophelia and Liam’s sexy-time doesn’t last long, Ophelia’s topless flaunt in Morocco was caught by the lens of a pesky pap and now her “girls” are front-page news.
The headlines are all clever, but I think my favorite is “Liam’s New Breast Friend.”
Also the tabloids are reporting that King Simon is moving full-steam towards a referendum abolishing the monarchy, so this morning is starting off extra-super!
Ophelia’s new bodyguard is named Hagrid; which seems appropriate in a Harry Potter way; he seems to be at least half-giant. Also, he doesn’t look the type to come cavorting for nookie; or ever smiling.
But I have my own idea of who Hagrid most resembles…
The Grand Duchess of Oxford is at the gates! Nothing sends purple clad minions scuttling faster than the arrival of Joan Collins. She’s still looking like purple perfection, over 25 years after she ruled as Dynasty’s queen bitch, Alexis Carrington. I’ve been looking forward to this episode since Joan graced the stage at the Television Critics Association’s Winter Press Tour in January.
Prepare the arrival of this season’ best zingers:
“I see you’ve redecorated. I’d love to know whatever possessed you to choose Vegas as your theme.” zing!
We finally get to see Ophelia dance. It’s a good thing she’s pretty and has a nice rack because she’s a terrible dancer. Is she was trying out for So You Think You Can Dance, she’s end up on the blooper reel for sure! She’s an actress, so we don’t have to expect her to be ready for Julliard, but why not give her a major that she can actually fake by sitting there — like painter, or sculptor? She doesn’t even walk like someone with Dance training, and if she was a dancer, she would have owned the royal ball!
Guess what, the Sacred Bow and Arrow gets another mention! That’s 4 episodes in a row! The Dragon King (coolest title ever) didn’t take kindly that his treasured tchotchke was used to threaten an oil tycoon (So that’s who last week’s shady gambler was) and now Mr. Oil has threatened an oil embargo against Monrovia. Oooh, a single weapon hasn’t incited so much diplomatic instability since that pesky assassination of Archduke Ferdinand!
More morsels of masterful dialogue from Joan Collins:
GD Alexandra: “Don’t lie to me Helena, you have failed as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter and most devastatingly of all, as a queen.”
GD Alexandra: “Naked Ambition and Ruthless determination are what ensures the survival of the monarchy.”
GD Alexandra: “How many times has I told you that having a little fling on the side can keep your marriage fresh, but having feelings is quite another matter.”
GD Alexandra: “She who fears the thorn should never grasp the rose.”
Over at the world’s worst dance rehearsal, the visiting choreographer, Mr. Evans, is “blown away” by Ophelia’s remarkable “talent “and offers her an opportunity to audition with a “prestigious” company that his friend “runs.” Notice how I’m using a lot of quote marks? When have we ever seen Ophelia practice? And if she’s so talented, why isn’t she dancing at Julliard or NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, like other talented American dancers? Oh TV, you can write my part as a fashion mode if you’d like, it’s a believable as Ophelia as a dancer. One last gem: right before the dance instructor leaves, “Don’t let me down, honey.” Don’t you love the pseudo-gemeinschaft?
Grand Duchess Alexandra: “Eleanor, you’re much too thin. Don’t you know men like a bit of meat on the tail before the shuck the lobster? You’re not on another diet, are you?”
Eleanor: “Just coke and caviar, Gran”
GD Alexandra: “Oh, caviar I approve — it’s a super-food. Bur Coke will rot your teeth.”
GD Alexandra: “Just think of all of those poor women on the Titanic who said “no” to dessert … it’s so sad.”
Words of wisdom that Alexandra has bestowed on Eleanor: “A woman’s mind must always be sharper than a man’s, but her body must always be softer.”
My beloved grandmother’s purse always contained Andie’s Candies and Tic-Tacs; the Grand Duchess has a literal treasure in hers — “The Prima Flame” — A big-ass brooch. Won’t Eleanor look charming as she snorts lines off of the centre (yeah, English spelling!) stone?
Joan Collins has great scenes with almost every actor in this episode. You can tell that the actors are simply gleeful to be acting with such a legend. It’s a masterclass in snark and repartee. Even Jake Maskall (Cyrus) gets a great innuendo-laden exchange.
Alexandra: Come here you, and kiss the ring.
Cyrus: Which one?”
Alexandra: If I was a younger woman, I would say both.”
While we’re having family fun times in the pink and gold room, King Simon has called a clandestine press conference where he officially called for a referendum seeking to abolish the monarchy. The royal family and a number of random housemaids and service staff watch the announcement on a TV that looks more out of place amongst the opulence than the Downton Abbey gramophone.
In the words of King Simon, “The modern Monarchy is nothing more than ceremonial window dressing. With pageantry and ritual with no real impact on your very lives. I am ashamed of the blatant excesses of this family, who have done nothing to earn their elevated position. A life, so advantaged, and yet, so uniquely constrained has turned my once proud and principles family into a pack of zoo animals. They behave no better and are merely gawked at by those they are meant to serve. I have failed as a father to a family, and of a father of this nation. For years, I felt it was my duty to wear the crown, but like you, my first duty is to be a parent, a husband; a person of integrity who does what’s best for his family. I think this is what’s best for mine. And for the family of this nation as a whole.”
After the king concludes his press conference by imploring Brits to end the monarchy, the Royal family stands agape at the realization that life as they know it is over. Even if the monarchy is saved, they will never again be free-spirited, no-responsibility brats.
Liam feels that it’s his entire fault because of the events of Monaco, but Eleanor thinks that there are happenings that they don’t know about.
After addressing his major staff and reassuring them of their jobs, King Simon learns that Prudence, his pouty-lipped truth-teller has been fired. Well we know who did that, and so does king Simon. He storms into where Cyrus and Helena are scheming,
After he tells them they’ve banished the last person with integrity, he tells Helena and Cyrus their new realities: Helena won’t be seeing any of her lovers anymore, and Cyrus is stripped of his titles and property. Oh year, and one last dagger, they’re both out. And he spits out his most un-Simon-like line of the season, “The only reason you’re still here is you have a ring on your finger. But not anymore … bitch!” Damn, Simon. I love it when you spew fire. It makes me hot!
Liam and the King plan to meet in the tunnels later that night to take a father-son walk. And Helena asks Eleanor for drugs. Awww, what a sweet mother-daughter moment.
Ophelia ponders a page from All Creatures Great and Small, and wonders if the line “Having a soul means being able to feel love, and loyalty, and gratitude,” was a touchstone for her mother.
Over in Eleanor’s princess boudoir, she’s on the rampage ad nothing is safe from her can of red spray paint, not her official portrait, not her walls and her picture with her father.
Before she leaves, The Grand Duchess offers some advice to Queen Helena: “Bleak as things are, the war is not yet over. You will find the strength to do what is necessary, just as I did.” (They’ve been talking a lot about this episode about some mysterious “thing” that the Grand Duchess had to do. I’m dying to find out. Thoughts or ideas?)
That night in the tunnels, Liam is a no-show; he’s too busy making out with Ophlelia. But I don’t remember Liam and Simon setting a concrete time. By the time Liam unwraps himself from O’s arms, Simon is gone. Cyrus, however, is lurking in the shadows, and O sees him out her window.
In the season’s biggest shocker, Simon stumbles up to the palace gates. He’s been attacked while on his walk. Of course, my first thought is — that snake, Cyrus. My second thought is — that’s a lot of blood!
OMG, is it next week yet! I simply cannot wait another seven days to see what’s happened! What do you think? Is King Simon dead? Did Cyrus do it? Or Prudence, perhaps? She did bring a gun into the palace…