When you’re a bored royal, what do you do other than have loads of sex, wear scrumptious clothes and do obscene quantities of drugs? Why you pack that crap up and do it in Monaco for the weekend! And this weekend, that’s what our favorite Brits are doing.
And huzzah! my favorite lesser princess, Maribel and Penelope are back! Let the garish costuming commence! I think that pretty much everything Penelope says is, “That doesn’t feel entirely unpleasant.” She said it during her anal bleaching and she said it when she stuffed 8balls up her bum.
Liam has invited super sexy friend Beck to spend the weekend and Eleanor jumps around like a gleefully horny filly even though she tells her brother, “I hate you times infinity.”
Jasper has requested a transfer of duty from Eleanor’s detail and Queen Helena has snapped him up in her well-manicured claws. She wants that man-morsel all to her own. Does she know she’ll be getting Eleanor’s sloppy seconds?
Ashok has brought his ladylove to Monaco too. She’s got a lot of firepower, she’s got great curves and is known to be fast. And she’s blue. Of course, I’m talking about a car, maybe a Lamborghini Aventador, but I’m not a gearhead, so it’s just a guess. With the uber-classy license plate of “Shokker,” which I imagine is an attempt to be a cool play on his name, but I think a shocker something that Eleanor would know more about than Ashok. Or Maribel.
And Liam has fired Marcus for the weekend so he can hang out. Which is great since Marcus is hot; but he’s also pretty uptight and doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to party.
So Beck is Robert’s best friend, who Eleanor lost her virginity to. And had lots of sex with. And he makes her feel all flustered and giddy and girly. I just can’t wait to see this.
Off to the Casino! Because when in Monaco (and strangely not staying in a villa on the beach) head to the casino! Oh yeah, it turns out Ashok’s car is a McLaren Coupe or Spider. See, I know nothing about cars. I thought that brand only made strollers. Anywhoo, Gemma loses the McLaren in a hand of poker and shocker, Gemma’s an unrepentant bitch about it. (Gemma might also be filthy enough to know a few things about shockers. In case you don’t know, it’s a sex thing. Ask the internet). And Gemma tries to trade Penelope’s virginity to the guy for the car, but he’s not having any of that, so they plot to win the car back through a magical game of darts.
Let’s catch up with the goings on in the castle. King Simon is back from Canada. (meh) And Prudence is weaseling her downcast-eyed, pouty-mouthed way back into his charms, to the delight of Cyrus.
Beck says he wants to be with Eleanor, but she says, “That’s not fair.” Why, what is their history? And I’m pretty sure he’s taken her “Diplomatic bag” o’ drugs. ELeanod seems to have forgotten that she can hit up Penelope and Maribel for a bump of their keister stash. (Speaking of P&M, other than cramming their fannies with drugs, and having P’s virginity offered to the shady card player, they’re noticeably absent.) And not only has she had her first drug-free day in a long time, she’s sleeping alone. Monaco may be the perfect rehab for her.
But facing major addiction are Prince Liam and Ophelia; they end the night together in a romantic lip-lock.
Back to the ridiculous darts contest, where suddenly, Liam — the darts legend — is suddenly as terrible at darts as I am, and the random slimy card player is good. (I’d insert the name of a famous darts player here, but there aren’t any darts players who are famous.) But in a magical TV moment, when his back is against the wall, Liam’s skill returns, and in amoment of pure, cheesy TV talking and gloating ego, is victorious. As soon as Ashok has the car keys in hand, Ophelia shoots him in the leg with the ceremonial Bow and Arrow from two episodes ago (which has now been in 3 episodes!). An off-duty, yet medically trained Marcus, who we know is on vacation because his tie is off, removes the arrow and Ashok reigns as a bad-ass for the rest of the weekend.
King Simon walks along the river in regular contemplation and discovers Prudence there. He invites her to join him. As they stroll, he reveals that he likes to watch people at the bus stop and ride the Tube but sees that everyone ignores each other, locked in their own world.
“When did the charlatans, and the con men and the wicked among us, drive us all away from each other?”
When he tells her she’s a good person and that he wants to help her, she replies, “You’re a good man and a great king and that matters immensely … to all of us.”
Isn’t she the one packing heat in the palace? I thought she was a sexy assassin.
Prudence later refuses to help Cyrus get information on King Simon, and when he threatens to turn her in for treason, she says that she’ll go to the authorities too. If word gets out that the palace is using it’s power to presser it’s servants sexually, the public would demand the dissolution of the monarchy.
Wanna know what’s going on at the castle?
Queen Helena makes Jasper work for “Her Majesty’s pleasure.” And later after he proves how “cunning” he is, they also have sex. But King Simon, who returns from his walk invigorated from his chat with Prudence, bears flowers for his wife. In a twist of fate, he sees Jasper leaving the queen’s chamber semi-clothed and he’s crushed. Really, Simon? You’re surprised?!? The next day, he leaves for an important meeting which seems like the resolution to dissolve the monarchy may be back on the table.
Back in Monaco, Eleanor and Beck enjoy a leap off of the pool cabana and a wet, romantic kiss. When Eleanor swims away and reveals a glimpse of her slender derriere, Beck’s face is pure blue steel. Yummy. That night (she’s been drug-free for 2 days) after she and Gemma kind of commiserate, but not really, because Gemma realizes she’s all alone, Eleanor sneaks into Beck’s bed and they snuggle and sleep.
Liam and Ophelia aren’t sleeping however, and their sexy giggle can be heard down in the pool by Gemma who is either plotting to drown herself, adopt 50 cats, or get revenge. I’m betting hoping for option C, but a little of option B would be a gas too.
The next morning, everyone flies home and we learn that Becks is married. So he’s almost perfect, but I’m surprised that marital vows matter to Eleanor — other rules and laws don’t seem to apply to her. So even though they can’t be together because of his whole, pesky, marriage thing, he encourages Eleanor to let “them” see her “When you step off the plane, show them the quiet, kind and gentle girl that I know.” But when she steps off the plane, she’s the same, loud Leni that the press has come to expect.
And when Liam and Ophelia step off the plane, they step out as an official couple.