Recap: The Royals, Episode 5

I spent the weekend in glorious San Francisco, so I’m just catching up on the TV I missed…

If you had a friend whose closet size rivaled the fashion closet at Runway magazine in The Devil Wears Prada, would you hate her? Only if she wasn’t my size!

Ophelia has so many gasp-inducing clothing options that it must be so fun for the show’s wardrobe department to dress her. She gets to be avant garde, sexy, trashy, dirty and classy at any given moment, and often, she get to be more than one choice at a time!

The royal ball is coming! Suddenly, the never before mentioned until the last five minutes of last episode, yet clearly the social event of the year, is upon us. What will all of the Cinderellas and Cinderfellas wear?

The Royals, Episode 5
Unless Eleanor wore this to her debutante ball, I doubt this dress is hers.

“The Bitch doth protest.”
Is not quite Shakespeare, but I’ll take it. Eleanor enlists chum Ophelia’s help in selecting a dress for the ball, but the one O pulls from the rack (Would Eleanor be caught recycling a frock to a major event? I think not.) she chooses a most un-Eleanor like dress: beautiful and virginal. And white-ish. Eleanor gifts it to the help, because that’s what rich bitches do, they give their cast-offs to their lessers. How many times have you seen a Kardashian sis wearing something that Kim’s worn before?

Who doesn’t adore Liam’s roommate/pal Ashok and I’m all for him bringing back the low ten. It’s so fetch.

The Royals, Episode 5
Double your pleasure!

Queen Helena dispatches Lucious and a decoy to the spa while she has a tryst with military lover, Alastair Lacey. He’s so sexy!! And so is the hottie, hottie, steamboat who plays him, Noah Huntley!

Totally TV
How fake-a-roo did Liam and Eleanor’s pot-smoking scene look? No smoke, no choke? (song: Elle King “Ex’s & Oh’s”)

Since we haven’t seen the lesser princesses in for a while, I guess Ashok will have to be my new favorite character. Where are Maribel and Penelore? I miss them!

At the ball, everyone looks a little redic in their masks. At least Queen Helena had the good sense to ditch the mask as soon as her Cleopatra entrance was done. She also ditched her big ball for another romantic tryst with Alastair (which is too bad, because he champagne-colored dress is wonderful!) As they disappear through another secret door, she says, “I don’t want to be their queen tonight, I just want to be yours.”

Covering the Little People
Back in the ball, Nick and Ophelia have lost their masks too (Actually, by now, the only people who still have masks are the extras. Last week it was headphones, this week it’s masks. Next week, will the extras be given it be paper bags?) Besides Liz’s dress, the real stars of the night are the band Slow Club, whose music is featured throughout the episode.
(Fast song: Slow Club – “Suffering You, Suffering Me”)
(Slow song: Slow Club- “Not Mine to Love” )

The Royals, Episode 5
Doesn’t this look like the steamy cover of a romance novel?!?

At a romantic picnic in a barn or hunting lodge or somewhere, we learn that Alastair was once “the help” and he and Helena have been involved since they were teenagers. If he’s supposed to be from humble origins, how does he get a pompous name like Alastair? That’s certainly a landed-gentry kind of name. But he romantically says, “You were my Queen long before you were theirs.” Swoon!

Have Eleanor and Jasper’s feelings each other moved past sexy and booze-fueled contempt? Nope, Jasper is still in control and is still sexually humiliating her. But when Eleanor goes onstage at the ball to announce that she’s being blackmailed, she lacks the bravery to out the man who is essentially abusing her and instead humiliates a random girl.

If you’re wondering, yes, a Flaming Lamborghini is an actual drink. If you want to catch your hair on fire, you can find a tutorial on how to make it here.

The Royals, Episode 5
“We’re here to serve you, my lords.”

Cyrus appeals to the ball’s male attendees (who are members of the House of Lords), saying that a dissolution of the monarchy affects them all, and “Our lifestyle is a lifestyle worth preserving.” As the party’s servers turn into “women of service,” and get down with going down. Cyrus demands that his maid/ tart-maker/ possible assassin Prudence attend to his needs in his room.

Helena muses about “the perfect storm” when her family lost everything and her mother pressured her to marry King Simon to save the family. Alastair remembers a fellow soldier whom he couldn’t save and whose death haunts him still. But, he says,
“The past is the past, we don’t get to go back. All we have it today.”

Over in the sex den, Cyrus reveals to a fellow rich gross guy, that James Holloway (a member of the House of Commons) won’t support a referendum to abolish the monarchy. Of course, we know Cyrus is boinking Halloway and supplying him with copious amounts of cocaine (often at the same time) but the yucky old perv just mares at Cyrus’s ability to turn a Commoner and a Royal into strange bed fellows. Indeed.
(Song: Slow Club “Everything is New”)

Back in Cyrus’ room, our devious maid spikes Cy’s wine with what appears to be Iocane powder, but this isn’t The Princess Bride, this is The Royals. Does anyone else think that Prudence look like Angeline Jolie?

Big news, Jasper doesn’t have a compromising video of Eleanor, instead, he goes all Christian Grey on her and says he’s in charge of her. Eleanor is his willing submissive, which I don’t like. You’re a princess; you have the power!

Can I be a little bored with the Liam-Ophelia-Nick love triangle? Nick and Liam are being too nice to each other. I wanna see a little fighting over our fair maiden! I sort of get my wish, because Nick realizes he’s being used to make Liam jealous and skedaddles.

Eye in the Sky
Cyrus is more devious that we ever imagined. He has security cameras in his room and caught Prudence tainting his wine. Can you imagine what else those cameras have captured?!? He enlists her to help him spy on Simon when he takes his solitary walks and instead of dismissing her, he still forces her to have sex with him.

A bit ‘o Bard
While Cyrus takes his delicious time revealing that he knew about Prudence’s attempted murder, he mentioned Henry VII, who allegedly employed royal tasters to ensure that he wasn’t poisoned. It’s been a while since The Royals has given us a good Shakespearean quote, but Henry VII was a character in Richard III as the prince who defeated Evil King Richard on the field of battle; and he also had a lesser role in the play about his son, Henry VIII.

That tricky Minx!
Guess who was willingly waiting in her bed when Jasper came a’ calling? Not Eleanor! She jetted off to Monaco leaving her bodyguard to guard a look alike. Is it the same look alike that Helena used earlier in the episode? If so, that’d be genius!

The Royals, Episode 5
Hand in hand, with nary a hair out of place.

And Liam pined in the car for a tardy Ophelia and was this close to pulling away without her. How is it that the ball ended shortly before and Liam is still in his tux, but Ophelia’s complicated braided/twisted hairdo is magically straight, blown out and ever-so-glossy? It would have been hot if her hair was post-coif tendrils instead of looking Kate Middleton perfect.
(Song: Sofi Sofi “Safe House”)

The Royals, Episode 4
The Royals, Episode 3
The Royals, Episode 2
The Royals, Episode 1
Elizabeth Hurley interview

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