If you wanna be my Dance Mom, you gotta get with(out) your friends… make it last forever, cause this show never ends. So given that … zigazig ahhhh, Dance Moms nation. It’s time for the Spice Girls/Poison Apples version of the Dance Moms recap. Which starts out innocuously enough as everyone gathers in the Dancers Den to talk about how weird it is to be without Maddie again (it’s not that weird).
This time, Maddie’s with Sia in New York doing SNL. And Melissa is lamenting about how she really should be in New York with her daughter, but she has to be here for the team. Oh, and also Mackenzie.
She’s not the only one lamenting that she’s stuck with here in Pittsburgh instead of riding Maddie’s coat tails basking in Maddie’s Abby-given
Twitter-given whatever-given fame. So the mothers should be thrilled about that. Look thrilled, mothers.
But congratulations, you little only-semi-Abby-famous critters on the clean sweep wherever we were last week because I’ve forgotten already. But we beat the Candy Apples who were just too weird and innovative for their own good, you ask Abby.
We’re going to do pyramid A Chorus Line style. It goes something like this: Come here and get your headshot and then go stand back in line, hold it up and I’ll berate you. There. Pyramid.
This week we are going to World Class Talent Experience somewhere in Ohio. The Apples will be there, too. Abby (and despite the weird Jedi princess shirt, this is a good look for Abby) …
… says that their team was sloppy and nervous because it was their first time dancing together, but they’re pretty solid dancers which she knows because they’re her rejects.
Jo Jo gets a solo. Kenzie does, too. Kenzie gets a message dance called Who Are You? because if she’s not Maddie’s little sister or MackZ the pop star … who is she?
Can’t do lyrical without Maddie, so, oh, let’s do jazz funk for the group dance. Spice Girls jazz funk. That sounds like a winner … from the woman who says only lyrical can win.
Over in Ohio — just some bland street shots to welcome us there — Cathy says that even though they lost last week, she relishes the vengefulness of her new mothers and we get a little montage of Abby being mean.
Cathy and her sister-in-law Erin Stein Rich are going to choreograph the group number Stand Up and guess what else? No Maddie this week. WOOooooOOOh!
Yes, child. Your mother is acting like that.
Back in Pittsburgh, Abby says the Spice Girls dance, Tell Me What You Want, is just exactly what they need to learn to compete in L.A. … where no one has thought about the Spice Girls in 20 years, but whatever. Abby says.
Up in the Mom Loft, we talk about the obvious … Abby is setting the remaining girls up to fail, when they are perfectly capable of doing a beautiful lyrical dance without Maddie. Melissa says the moms complain when they do lyrical and now they’re complaining when they don’t do lyrical, which is kind of a valid point. Except it’s not. If they mixed it up when Maddie was in the mix, too, then maybe.
Abby tells the girls they’re flying without the net that is Maddie and people might actually, you know, look at them this time, so please be a spectacle for all the right reasons. Because the Apples have nowhere to go but up.
Aaaaand I may never stop laughing ….
Seriously. Never. Dude in the corner’s my favorite.
Cathy is feeling philosophical about why Abby wins all the time and she’s feeling good about this dance. It certainly looks good. Her pot shot at Nia, not so good.
Jo Jo’s solo is jazz funk, too, and it’s about being Fancy. The mothers want to know what Jess is doing for Abby that Jo Jo keeps getting all these solos. Letting her dump fake blood on my kid’s head, says Jess. Big whoop. Jill says she shouldn’t get so cocky because Jo Jo is going up against Kenzie who is Abby’s baby.
Not today though. Abby rattles on about how Maddie is doing all the things that the pop star MackZ was supposed to do, so what happened? I’ll take “She can’t drive herself to auditions and everyone’s all about Maddie” for a thousand, Alex.
Anyway, Maddie’s in New York with Sia, so Kenz can have the spotlight for a weekend. Except she can’t remember her routine. Maddie would have learned the choreography before it even was invented, so what the hell, Mackenzie? Let’s pick on her about that just to undermine her further.
Upstairs in the Mom Loft, Melissa says they call Mack “the baby” at home because she’ll always be Melissa’s baby. And so what if she’s always in Maddie’s shadow? Uh, no, say the other mothers. You stand up for both your kids.
“There’s nothing I can do about it. She’s Abby Lee Miller,” Melissa howls. Well try.
So when Abby blames Mack’s blanking on her dance on homeschooling instead of a wicked case of Abby-induced nerves, Melissa tries. Eyes darting like a cat on the trail of a laser pointer, she protests that Mack can too remember and besides, where book smarts are concerned, she’s got Maddie, no contest.
It just makes everything worse.
When we come back, we’re having a little Spice Girls lesson in the Dancers Den. Kenz may be book smart, but there’s something she does not understand.
Holly breaks it down for the child. The producer wanted each girl to have, like, a thing that every kind of girl could identify with. Yeah, says Mack, but Sporty’s sporty and Posh is classy but what’s the deal with Ginger? Red hair. So what? No, child. Think spicy. And spunky. And… oh look it’s a picture of Maddie on the SNL stage!
Joking. Just joking. Jill still hopes she wins to shut everyone up. Also, she thinks the group number is a bad idea.
Let’s go to Cleveland and find out.
The Apples decide that a good start — well, besides that — would be to barge into the ALDC get-ready and run their mouths. Abby is zen as a garden Buddha.
And Mack is nervous.
No one does, Pickle. Not a one of us.
Let’s dance. OK, let’s hug and then let’s dance.
Mackenzie goes first.
So here’s the thing. There is no arguing that Mackenzie does not have the legs and lines that her sister does. But she has been trained to be an acrobatic dancer. To tumble and mug. Abby would never, not ever, dress Maddie up as a tumbling owl and expect her to win. And we know this because we watched Maddie dance when she was Mack’s age. Not the same experience at all.
Jess hits it on the head when she says that you better be a solid technical dancer when you get older because the tricks won’t charm any more. And Mack is. Someone just needs to polish it and let her shine.
Jo Jo’s solo is 100% Jo Jo and she dances it with style. But — and maybe it’s just me — she still looks like a little girl writhing around out there to big-girl music. Writhing really, really well, to be sure. But I still found myself thinking “look at the little kid trying to be a big kid.” Kinda like Asia. Both good dancers, though.
Oh hey, weird localized-measles costumes. Who the hell’s idea were these?
Dance Moms product placement! This gig ain’t going to pay the bills forever, you know.
Maddie FaceTimes in and we show her the girls in their costumes. And when she hangs up, Abby tells the girls that if they don’t win, it’s probably the dance. Whoops, nope, it’s probably that only Maddie is good enough to win. So hey! Good luck.
I like the girl power dance way, way, way more than I thought I would. Actually, I kind of love it. The girls clearly love the chance to show their stuff in something lively and spicy and it’s fun to see how well they perform the jazz funk style.
Time for the Apples to Stand Up. Wait just a durn minute, says Holly. Some of those moves look awfully familiar. But they performed them awfully well.
Mack gets second.
Jo Jo wins.
Melissa looks ill.
Group gets second.
And the Apples take the win.
Let’s go rub it in the ALDC faces. With a cake featuring Abby’s face from the Kelly/finger-biting incident. Tasteful. Forgive me for not immortalizing the moment with a screen shot.
Abby decides to tit-for-tat against one child instead of the idiotic woman who really wronged her. On her way out of the room, she looks at Candy Apple mom Liza, tugs her ears, and mouths “Get those ears fixed.” The lowest of blows, even for Abby. Get ’er, Liza.
The Pitt Crew moms rally around Liza’s tearful daughter, Chloe, and tell her she’s beautiful — which she is — and that she should ignore the dunderheaded adults around her and dance on.
Liza wobbles after Abby halfheartedly, then returns to Cathy and wonders why she gave up her life for two weeks only to be humiliated. Please. I feel awful for your girl, Liza, but surely you have watched this show. Surely. Abby embarrassed your daughter viciously once and you handed her the chance to do it again by jumping on this circus train. The only one I feel sorry for here is Chloe. Ashamed of? Take your pick.
Next week on Dance Moms, we’re back in L.A. working with Demi Lovato’s sister.
So what say you, Dance Moms Nation? Did you have great hopes for another semi-palatable episode, only to have them dashed by a grocery store cake and behavior that was equally tasteless? Did Mackie’s dance set her up for failure against Jo Jo’s whiz-bang thing? Which goat WAS your favorite? Sound off in the comments section below.
New episodes of Dance Moms premiere Tuesday nights at 9/8CT on Lifetime. Catch Maddie guest-starring in the Austin & Ally episode “Homework & Hidden Talents” this Saturday night at 8:30pm on Disney Channel.